klk
Well-known member
Yeah, I'm not even going to attempt if from work, if victoria's secret website is blocked, I'm sure that one is as well.
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CivE Bricky
Well-known member
I think this sort of scene is the default lifestyle if you don't fight against it - HARD. No one likes living that way, but it's really really easy to fall into. And yes, it pretty much eliminates the chance for the kind of intimacy and warm fuzzy feelings you're missing.
A weekend away alone at a place where you can focus on each other is HUGE. Aside from being a great time, the memories from it will give you lots to go on -- a look across the table of screaming kids can bring back that weekend - if you've been there and made that memory. A special scented soap or certain drink or appetizer can zing you right back into that weekend's memories -- and that's never a bad thing.
The other thing to do is schedule time you both agree household concerns are off-limits....maybe even make a fun penalty to levee if someone slips up. (I'm not listing suggestions, but I'm sure someone here is up to the challenge....)
We do lots of renos also -- and although the natural flow isn't to make one room perfect, I find that really helps with the anxiety of living in one big "to do" list. Last summer I spent maybe 20 hours making our main bathroom "perfect for now". I cleaned EVERYTHING like it had never been cleaned before, purged all the old potions and cleaners, got several sets of matching towels (no more "is the company set of towels in the laundry?" panics), got wall art, washed curtains, got a funky bamboo rug, new soap dishes etc. .... everything! Although it was loads of work, and maybe not the most important thing, having one room just the way it should be was really calming....and made the rest of the list matter less.
For the list, maybe post it and have a space for the one top priority....honey dew item? It may also help to keep a running list of everything that gets done -- and taking before/after pics for an album. It's so easy to feel like you're not making progress when you really are humming right along.
Right now, we're trying to come back from a hugely messy house that got that way because neither my husband or I did any housework but some kitchen and bathroom cleaning while I was studying for the PE. (The laundry got done, kids got fed and helped with homework and sometimes the bills got paid.) It was so bad that even though we've been working at it for 3 months now, we haven't hit the big payoff yet -- of a completely calm orderly room. I think we'll get there this weekend -- I can't wait. It's going to make a big difference in my life.
We're planning a getaway soon for our anniversary - every year we switch who makes the plan and I really like that--odd years are mine! (We each get some "big" years....the return to our honeymoon B&B shortly after the second kid's birth was an especially memorable one....so was our 10th anniversary on East Coast blackout night -- we'd planned a free outdoor movie because he was unemployed then, but the blackout led to champagne at home in front of the kids -- but all the right feelings...." All it takes is something you don't normally do --as simple as a game of mini-golf alone to remember why you chose to be together....and continue to do so. Even sitting outside to look at stars with a beer or calling each other when you see a rainbow can do it...
I'd sum up as:
draw a box around home improvements - where and when
and hold a box open - time and place - for quality time together.
csb
Well-known member
My husband and I are both engineers, so the two of us trying to do any home improvement together is actually a disaster. Too much thinky for one project, too much control, etc. The way we handle things is to get out of the other one's way...one of us will take on the lead for any project and then ask for help if needed. It's helped us a lot to do things separately, because together we just bicker.
And I agree...don't bite off more than you can chew. Set a clear definition for a project and STOP. Don't go the extra mile now, because you don't have the energy to go for it. It will be okay if it's not perfect now and if you can't deal with that, pick smaller projects. No more drywall!
And I agree...don't bite off more than you can chew. Set a clear definition for a project and STOP. Don't go the extra mile now, because you don't have the energy to go for it. It will be okay if it's not perfect now and if you can't deal with that, pick smaller projects. No more drywall!
CivE Bricky
Well-known member
Same story here - two engineers. (Our friends can't wait to see how our kids rebel.) We both want to run the show - no matter what it is.
We can't even make dinner together unless one person is in the charge and the other is a helper. I'm stronger on design/decor so I often do that, and we trade off on lots of the other tasks. The exception is that he does plumbing electrical and car repair on his own. (I might shop for parts.) We both do most of the other stuff -- we both sanded floors and both applied finish, both paint, both do tile, both do landscaping -- but always working out who does what when, considering who's tired and who's reved up and who has better skills. We don't even have a rule for who drives when we're together, other than if you're waiting on the other person, you usually grab the driver's seat to save time.
snickerd3
Taking suggestions
This one is easy for us...the hubby drives since he gets car sick as a passenger, no matter who is driving.
bigray76
Food & Beverage Director
klk
Well-known member
Okay, the driving topic reminded me of a question. Who ends up being the navigator when you drive with your spouse? My hubby and I share driving responsibilities depending on whose car we're driving (the only exception is driving my car in the snow/ice, b/c I'm a typical NW driver who freaks out driving in the snow). Anyhoo, back when my car was the newest/nicest car, we always took my car everywhere, thus I would do most of the driving (this was true for approximately 5 yrs of dating & 2 years of marriage). When I drive, I sort of feel it's my responsibility to be paying attention to and looking out for directional signage and to implement the necessary lane changes and exits to reach our destination (e.g. - if we're going to Seattle, I follow the signs that direct me to Seattle) .
For the last 3 years of our marriage, my hubby has the newer car and so he does the majority of our driving now. He seems to expect me to know when he needs navigation help and to be prepared to help him at any time. Thus, I get yelled at when we miss an exit because I didn't point out which exit he needed to take, and when I finally did realize that he was in the wrong lane and told him so (maybe 1/2 a mile away), he refused to take corrective action to make the exit because he was too passive (I'm not an aggressive driver, but if there's no room between cars that prevents me from making an immediate lane change and I really need to make it to an exit, I'll turn on my turn signal and see if a nice driver will let me in - my hubby on the other hand, will assume it's a lost cause and refuse to even try). In the last year or so, I've been giving him directions all the time (including lane changes) since he often seems to be inattentive to road signs and I never know which times he needs my help. But when he doesn't need help or I tell him something he already knows, he gets frustrated with me.
I understand that he might need navigation help when we are driving in a new city that is completely unfamiliar (although most of the time, I can easily navigate in a new city without assistance - that's what road signs are for), but I sort of expect someone to be fully capable to read road signs and follow them when you are driving in the city in which you were born and raised and have lived in for the majority of their adult life. Am I being unreasonable? Is it possible he is simply unable to remember details about the various highways in our city unless he travels them a lot?
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Katiebug
Well-known member
The Garmin.
Seriously! We both suck at navigating, so the GPS does the work and we stay stress-free.I usually drive because I've always had the newer car and therefore it's the one we take out more often. I don't mind being a passenger in his car, but I hate being a passenger in my car under most circumstances. It simply doesn't feel right to me, and I hate not having control over my own vehicle.
It's rare that we drive the other's car, by the way. I can count the number of times I've driven the Camry on one hand. I don't dislike it, I just don't often get the opportunity. He's driven the Beetle more often because my car is the one parked closer to the street and if he runs an errand, he'll just take my car rather than having us go through the hoopla of switching cars, then switching when he gets back. Other than that, we stick to our own cars. This is going to change with my new vehicle, and especially when we have kids, because I don't always LIKE being the driver to family events and outings.
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csb
Well-known member
TomTom does the navigating and nagging for me...it'll chime when he's speeding and slowing down and speeding and slowing down...you get the picture. That thing is wonderful.
maryannette
Wise One
Some very good discussion here. Lots of good suggestions for making a relationship better. The only thing I would add is to share what you've shared here with your spouse. Maybe not quite as bluntly - add some love in with it. Communications, even when it is awkward, usually helps. It might take a few days for the sting to subside, but communication is good.
Some time ago, my husband was in a generally grouchy mood all the time. Our daughters hated to be around him and so did I. We decided to have an "intervention". We waited until we could all sit down to talk without being rushed. We explained that we wanted to share our feelings because we missed being the family that we used to be. It was a tough time for a couple days and now it is much better. We joke that he is slipping into his "Walter" mood. (Walter is one of Jeff Dunham's puppet characters - a grumpy old man.)
Communication is necessary and the more you do it, the easier it is.
Some time ago, my husband was in a generally grouchy mood all the time. Our daughters hated to be around him and so did I. We decided to have an "intervention". We waited until we could all sit down to talk without being rushed. We explained that we wanted to share our feelings because we missed being the family that we used to be. It was a tough time for a couple days and now it is much better. We joke that he is slipping into his "Walter" mood. (Walter is one of Jeff Dunham's puppet characters - a grumpy old man.)
Communication is necessary and the more you do it, the easier it is.
snickerd3
Taking suggestions
Depends on where we are going. If it is around where I grew up then I give directions but mostly the garmin tells him where he needs to go...we learned early on that our driving/navigation styles were too different. He uses street names...i turn left at the old house with purple shutters sort of thing.
csb
Well-known member
I've started crafting in the car...it keeps me from critiquing too much. I also applaud communication...the real kind, not the kind that happens while the TV is going and the kid is talking.
Master slacker
Something awesome.
What's the color of love?
Capt Worley PE
Run silent, run deep
Chuck, they just follow you around the web and block stuff
maryannette
Wise One
Chucktown PE
Well-known member
Forget everything I wrote in this thread last week. It's all ********. I'm off to the "sometimes you need to scream" thread.
