--~~ Ask A Female Engineer Anything ~~--

[klk]

^Thanks Fluvial for stating what I meant in a much more eloquent manner. A good will bank is a much better example. I was just trying to demonstrate with an example that being considerate and doing nice things for your wife without being asked is likely a better approach than constantly asking why you never have sex anymore and what can be done about it. I didn't mean that people should "keep score" literally (although I'm sure there are people who do, and I don't necessary thing that's healthy either), but was trying to explain why it's usually not as simple to expect a woman to tell her man what she wants, because it doesn't really "fill" the goodwill bank in the same way or as fast as it would if the husband just did nice, considerate things once in a while without being asked. While I think communication is definitely important, I don't think many women are willing to actually discuss their needs in terms of what will increase the sex life in their marriage. I think Chucktown's suggestions are great ideas for men to implement if their wives are either making excuses or not communicating at all with respect to this issue.

 

[MGX]

I don't mind the points system. If she remembers everything I've ever done wrong, I can keep track of all the right things I've done!

Besides I think we're all trained to spot patterns; the points make logical sense.

 

[Supe]

I'd just like to thank everyone in this thread for reminding me why I have no desire to ever get married. I'm terrible at math!

 

[Katiebug]

^Thanks Fluvial for stating what I meant in a much more eloquent manner. A good will bank is a much better example. I was just trying to demonstrate with an example that being considerate and doing nice things for your wife without being asked is likely a better approach than constantly asking why you never have sex anymore and what can be done about it. I didn't mean that people should "keep score" literally (although I'm sure there are people who do, and I don't necessary thing that's healthy either), but was trying to explain why it's usually not as simple to expect a woman to tell her man what she wants, because it doesn't really "fill" the goodwill bank in the same way or as fast as it would if the husband just did nice, considerate things once in a while without being asked. While I think communication is definitely important, I don't think many women are willing to actually discuss their needs in terms of what will increase the sex life in their marriage. I think Chucktown's suggestions are great ideas for men to implement if their wives are either making excuses or not communicating at all with respect to this issue.

The concept of a good will bank is really an accurate one, IMO.

Stress does crazy things to a woman's libido. I'll be honest - when Mr. Bug was laid off for 9 months, it did NOT help matters in that department at all. Stress over finances (being the sole provider) and over his job hunt made me very uninterested. He could clean the house and mow the lawn and all of that, and it didn't freaking matter. Yet when he started working again, things started getting better in the libido department, despite him being gone more often. I'm not stressed out anymore over being the sole provider, and that stress reduction has made a big difference in our intimacy.

I haven't had a baby yet, but my friends who have say that it's tough to go straight from being someone's mom to being someone's lover. It doesn't always work to put the baby down for the night and then go get your groove on 10 minutes later - especially with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry to do, and lunches to get ready for work the next day. I don't know if Mrs. Buff works outside the home or not, but if she does those pressures of just getting through the day are probably even more of a factor.

I wouldn't overlook the impact of hormonal birth control. I know that Mrs. Buff's OBGYN said it wasn't likely, but depending on the woman and the specific BC in question, it really can cause problems. I was on the Pill for years and was fine, then switched to the patch and all of a sudden had zero interest. It wasn't until I went off hormonal birth control completely that things began to improve in that department. My previous GYN said that she didn't believe in that because SHE had never experienced a loss of libido on hormonal BC, but it was pretty much like night and day to me, and I suspect her motive was to get me on that Mirena IUD (getting more $$$ out of my insurance company in the process). My new OBGYN (a male doctor) said that it's very possible to have a certain type of hormonal birth control that diminishes libido and many of his patients have described just that phenomenon.

Mr. Bug knows that "Acts of Service" is a primary love language for me (this is from the book The Five Love Languages). I love it when he chooses to do something nice or helpful without my having to ask. Nothing will make me happier than if he comes home with a bouquet of flowers, or if I get home from work and discover that he cleaned both bathrooms and vacuumed the living room before he left for work. At the same time, Mr. Bug's primary love language is "Words of Affirmation" - he needs for me to tell him how I feel and to appreciate his efforts. If he kept doing nice, helpful things and I never thanked him for his hard work, he wouldn't feel rewarded. At the same time, words of affirmation don't do much for me, just as acts of service don't do much for him. So we make an effort to fill the other's good will bank in the other's "currency", if you will. It's not at all unusual for the two halves of a couple to have totally different "currency" when it comes to the good will bank. You can be an awesome spouse and do your best and still not be banking where it counts.

 

[Chucktown PE]

I'd just like to thank everyone in this thread for reminding me why I have no desire to ever get married. I'm terrible at math!

You're welcome

The concept of a good will bank is really an accurate one, IMO.

Agreed. I think Steven Covey calls it emotional debits/credits.

I haven't had a baby yet, but my friends who have say that it's tough to go straight from being someone's mom to being someone's lover. It doesn't always work to put the baby down for the night and then go get your groove on 10 minutes later - especially with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry to do, and lunches to get ready for work the next day. I don't know if Mrs. Buff works outside the home or not, but if she does those pressures of just getting through the day are probably even more of a factor.

Mrs. Chucktown often says this. She needs time after the kids go to bed to just be by herself for a little while because she's had 2 kids crawling all over her all day long.

I wouldn't overlook the impact of hormonal birth control. I know that Mrs. Buff's OBGYN said it wasn't likely, but depending on the woman and the specific BC in question, it really can cause problems. I was on the Pill for years and was fine, then switched to the patch and all of a sudden had zero interest. It wasn't until I went off hormonal birth control completely that things began to improve in that department. My previous GYN said that she didn't believe in that because SHE had never experienced a loss of libido on hormonal BC, but it was pretty much like night and day to me, and I suspect her motive was to get me on that Mirena IUD (getting more $$$ out of my insurance company in the process). My new OBGYN (a male doctor) said that it's very possible to have a certain type of hormonal birth control that diminishes libido and many of his patients have described just that phenomenon.

The pill had a huge effect on Mrs. Chucktown's libido. She quit using it and we used other methods, now we have two kids. She is on the Mirena IUD now and loves it. I wish I could buy stock in Bayer.

Mr. Bug knows that "Acts of Service" is a primary love language for me (this is from the book The Five Love Languages). I love it when he chooses to do something nice or helpful without my having to ask. Nothing will make me happier than if he comes home with a bouquet of flowers, or if I get home from work and discover that he cleaned both bathrooms and vacuumed the living room before he left for work. At the same time, Mr. Bug's primary love language is "Words of Affirmation" - he needs for me to tell him how I feel and to appreciate his efforts. If he kept doing nice, helpful things and I never thanked him for his hard work, he wouldn't feel rewarded. At the same time, words of affirmation don't do much for me, just as acts of service don't do much for him. So we make an effort to fill the other's good will bank in the other's "currency", if you will. It's not at all unusual for the two halves of a couple to have totally different "currency" when it comes to the good will bank. You can be an awesome spouse and do your best and still not be banking where it counts.

What all women have to understand is that sex is all mens' love language.

 

[maryannette]

I think a good marriage requires more than 50 - 50 from each partner. A successful relationship happens when each is willing to give more than 50% AND give up more than 50%.

 

[OSUguy98]

You can be an awesome spouse and do your best and still not be banking where it counts.

I think this is where alot of issues pop up (at least in my marriage)...

back story/info.... I work 7:30-4 everyday, 30-40mins from home... She watches her cousin's little one (she'll be 4 in Sept.) at odd hours (recently, it's 10am-8:30pm, Sun, Mon, Wed, Thurs, Fri) and a friend's little boy (~18 months) for 4 or 6 hours on Mon-Thurs (9-3 or 12-4, depending on the day)... She gets almost no money for watching her cousin's little one ($5 a day), and gets paid a decent amount for watching the little boy ($120 a week, currently)...

the short version.....

We decided to take on a few projects this spring, and we all know that one thing leads to another and more often than not (esp. with a 50 yr old house), it leads to alot more... We wanted new (2) toilets... We wanted/needed new exterior doors, the old ones were the originals and they were warped or bowed or drafty or all 3.... We wanted to remove the 70s paneling in the living room...

The toilet installs went well, at least as well as you can hope... Every project takes longer than you want it to....

While the door were on order, we took on the paneling in the LR... because of the glue used, that quickly became a re-drywall the LR project.... which meant new crown molding, and a new mantle, etc... we got all that done, short of the mantle and I still have to fill the nail holes in the crown....

The doors were installed over the course of 3 weekends.... we ran new wire for the Door bells during each door's removal... the new storm doors followed shortly after each door was installed... minor things still need to be done (painting the new thresholds, and I still have to seal around the brick mold and the brick on one door)...

Then came replacement of the leaky/leaking outside faucets... which required installing shutoff valves where applicable... and new copper to replace a leak discovered (tiny tiny hole, not sure the cause... it's an old leak because of the green scaling,etc around it... I think I disturbed the plug made by the patina....)

Then there's the new door knobs to make the rest of the house match the new doors.... which requires drilling the hole in every door to the current std.... and chiseling, to make the strike plate fit... etc... etc...

Not to mention helping her dad gut and remodel their cabin along the river..... and me helping the secretary at work remodel her bathroom (mainly for extra money to fund the above listed projects)

But anyway, you guys get the idea... I haven't stopped since... well... February....

I took Tuesday off to stay home and spend time with my wife... and since we only had to babysit one kid (12-4... so it's play, feed, nap, snack, play, go home), I figured it was a good day to relax, tackle a door knob replacement or two... and generally, just spend some time with the wife...

We slept in a bit, 8ish... after we ate, she asked what the plan was, so I told her what I had in my head... she wanted the faucet outside replaced, and I can take care of the door knobs anytime since they "only take, what, like 5 min to replace?"... so I start working on the faucet.... the old one comes out easy enough, but the new frost-free ones are a bit bigger than the 1/2" copper pipe.... so 2 hours into it, I'm chipping away at brick and mortar trying to make a hole big enough to fit the new faucet... needless to say, most of the day was spent working on that faucet (and fixing the small leak in the supply line I talked about earlier)...

During the baby's nap, my wife was tired and wanted to lay down.... so I got cleaned up, and went to lay down with her... as I'm crawling into bed, she mentions the warranty claim we still hadn't made with the storm door company (defective screen) and the Sears issue we had while shopping on Sat..... So I go call Sears... an hour later, she wakes up... we work on getting the pics/info/etc for the storm door claim done, and then the baby wakes up... his parents come and get him... I go back to plumbing/etc... well, after a run for parts to fix the leak.... 8:30 rolls around and I haven't really stopped all day, and I finally finish everything in the basement and get things cleaned up (for the most part).... I head upstairs and get cleaned up again... we start watching TV/etc and she says "we never spend time together anymore".... which turned into "we're always working on the house"... which turned into "well you still haven't fixed this this this and that"...

So how do you balance the "This has to get fixed" and the "We want to replace/redo/etc this" and still stay sane? And moreover, how in the world do you keep your wife happy if the "honey-do" list never... ever... ends and she has the "oh, you finished this.... can we work on this now" mentality?

sorry for the long almost-rant-like post.....

 

[snickerd3]

OSU - The hubby and I tackle the home improvement/repairs as a team...we both do the work and get to spend time together. More limited now that I can't do heavy lifting stuff, but when we first started improvements in this house, we removed/replaced the drywall together. He plastered it while I primed and painted the rest of the house. I was the one in the attic rewiring light fixtures while the hubby was working in the rooms working on the outlets. I hold trim/doorways while he hammers or uses the nail gun...things like that.

 

[OSUguy98]

OSU - The hubby and I tackle the home improvement/repairs as a team...we both do the work and get to spend time together. More limited now that I can't do heavy lifting stuff, but when we first started improvements in this house, we removed/replaced the drywall together. He plastered it while I primed and painted the rest of the house. I was the one in the attic rewiring light fixtures while the hubby was working in the rooms working on the outlets. I hold trim/doorways while he hammers or uses the nail gun...things like that.

Yup, that's that way it had been for the last 2-2.5 years, but this spring she's turned into a sit and watch type... claiming she can't help me with this stuff (lack of self confidence, a general theme)... and some of that's true.... I'd never installed a toilet before... or a door... or a storm door.... And since I've been fumbling through the last few projects with limited experience (or none), she's basically taken the role of gopher... She helps, but not like she used to.... I think we're both just burnt out...

 

[maryannette]

It sounds like you need a break, OSU. Can you get away for a weekend - important to get away because the house is part of the problem. Or, just a day-trip spending time together. Or, when you need something for a project, go together and stop for a bite to eat. We did a lot of projects and are planning more in the next year, so I can relate. Sometimes life gets in the way of love, but it shouldn't. Tell your wife you need a break.

 

[Santiagj]

OSU I see what you are coming from. Me and the wife tackle projects together. She helps me out alot. But I would be very frustrated if I did not get any help and my to do list got infinitely longer. Right now I am working on finishing a basement. Last weekend I put in a rough in for a full bath and now I'm onto the framing. The one thing that I get agrivated with is that my wife volunteers me to help with her family's projects. For example, we are finishing a basement now and at the same time I am helping my SIL build a deck. My SIL and BIL are not the do it yourself type so I wind up doing most of the work. So it feels like I have no time to just take a break. I do enjoy building things and breaking things but sometimes I just want to sit down and be a vegetable. I finally told my wife that a few days ago. I just said I needed a break. She was very understanding.

 

[frazil]

we start watching TV/etc and she says "we never spend time together anymore".... which turned into "we're always working on the house"... which turned into "well you still haven't fixed this this this and that"...

Sorry, but this made me laugh! so true!

 

[TouchDown]

OSU I see what you are coming from. Me and the wife tackle projects together. She helps me out alot. But I would be very frustrated if I did not get any help and my to do list got infinitely longer. Right now I am working on finishing a basement. Last weekend I put in a rough in for a full bath and now I'm onto the framing. The one thing that I get agrivated with is that my wife volunteers me to help with her family's projects. For example, we are finishing a basement now and at the same time I am helping my SIL build a deck. My SIL and BIL are not the do it yourself type so I wind up doing most of the work. So it feels like I have no time to just take a break. I do enjoy building things and breaking things but sometimes I just want to sit down and be a vegetable. I finally told my wife that a few days ago. I just said I needed a break. She was very understanding.

My wife typically doesn't help me on house projects, not because she can't or hasn't offered... more because, I'm impatient and end up doing things quicker if I'm doing them by myself. She's cool with that, most of the discussion revolves around scheduling and priorities.

I've let her know that in most cases, her priority will be my priority as far as house jobs go - she's the one that's in the house 95% of the time, so she should get the majority of project priority input.

For example - putting up a bulletin board for the kids to have an art area OR cleaning out the garage so I can park inside again... priority = bulletin board

When frost / snow hits, I'll negotiate to accelerate the priority of the garage...

 

[squishles10]

This will fix your nipple problem from the last page...

 

[Santiagj]

This will fix your nipple problem from the last page...

Why do you get 5 pairs? Are they not re-usable?

 

[OSUguy98]

Sorry, but this made me laugh! so true!

It is funny... when you can remove yourself from the situation.... but at that moment.... I don't know of any more of a defeated feeling hearing that..... besides maybe working all day on a project, being tired as hell, and having someone come in to point out the one flaw (usually not of your doing) and completely disregarding all the work you put into it....

My wife typically doesn't help me on house projects, not because she can't or hasn't offered... more because, I'm impatient and end up doing things quicker if I'm doing them by myself. She's cool with that, most of the discussion revolves around scheduling and priorities.
I've let her know that in most cases, her priority will be my priority as far as house jobs go - she's the one that's in the house 95% of the time, so she should get the majority of project priority input.

For example - putting up a bulletin board for the kids to have an art area OR cleaning out the garage so I can park inside again... priority = bulletin board

When frost / snow hits, I'll negotiate to accelerate the priority of the garage...

That's the other problem.... priorities... If you can't agree/compromise/give in/etc, then someone will end up unhappy... being the engineering-minded person that I am, I tend to aim for "do it right the first time", while my wife aims for "but it's cheaper to ____"... Much like the state DOT and say, our governor... so most of our arguments/etc end up being about something she doesn't even register on her priority list, or something she assumes I care nothing about...

 

[frazil]

This will fix your nipple problem from the last page...

I love this site! Here's another product I could use: Cleavage cupcakes

 

[TouchDown]

I love this site! Here's another product I could use: Cleavage cupcakes

I so am not even tempted to pull up those sites from my work.

Not 'gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent.

 

[FLBuff PE]

I so am not even tempted to pull up those sites from my work.
Not 'gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent.

SFW. It is a women's apparel website.

 

[Chucktown PE]

SFW. It is a women's apparel website.

Apparently not. It's blocked for me.