Dirtiest Joke Thread- potentially X-rated, NSFW, etc...you've been warned

[cement]

wait a sec, I've got a picture somewhere...

 

[csb]

Eleven...one to screw it in and ten to scream, "Faaaaaaaaabulous!"

 

[cement]

I really shouldn't be such a sore loser.
I just want to say congrats to

well played! three four five

 

[roadwreck]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

 

[cement]

they say there is truth in all humor

 

[roadwreck]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"

 

[cement]

herpes is the gift that keeps on giving

 

[NCcarguy]

Back during the Vietnam war, this American was sent to the edge of a river to scout the enemies position, after a day or two, he noticed this North Vietnamese soldier walking up to the other side of the river, obviously this man was here for the same reason.....Every day for the next 2 weeks the two men basically sat on the banks opposite each other just waiting for the other man to do something....Finally the American thought, this is silly, I'll just try to communicate with him, so the American got to thinking, Maybe he'll understand some hand signals, so he waved at the enemy scout to get his attention. The scout acknowledged the wave....The American threw his arms straight out to the side, then slowly lowered his hands....He was trying to ask the guy if he was a PARATROOPER....the scout just stood there, so the American started waving his arms like he was swimming, thinking maybe the scout was some kind of marine....again, he just stared back...then the American thought...maybe he's just an infantry man....so he started pounding his right fist, into his left hand...again...the enemy just stared back.....So his last message, the American took his hands up to his eyes, and made a loop with his fingers, like he was holding a pair of binoculars, and started moving his fingers back and forth closer, then away from his face.....he was asking the man if he was just a lookout.....again...the scout stared back, but soon after that he left.

The Vietnamese scout then went back to his commanding officer and reported...Those damn Americans are crazy!! I don't want to have anything to do with them, the commander asked the scout....why is that? The scout said....after sitting across the river from one American for a couple of weeks, he started waiving at me....when he finally got my attention...he started making hand gestures at me....and from what I can tell, he told me that when the sun goes down, I'm going to swim across this river, and f#$%k you in the ass, until your eyes pop out!.....

btw.....this is funny as hell if I tell it WITH the appropriate hand signals, but I have NO IDEA how funny it is to read it....so sorry if it's not!!!!..lol!

 

[cement]

that is really very funny :appl:

 

[FLBuff PE]

Now that right there is a quality post!

 

[Chucktown PE]

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.

The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.

Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your

Spoiler

pussy

Spoiler

?" The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.

However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your

pussy

?"

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your

Spoiler

pussy

?" she asks, hesitantly.

"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."


CSB nevers fails to disappoint. Totally disgusting and totally awesome.

 

[frazil]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"

herpes is the gift that keeps on giving

Hmmm....this sounds familiar

 

[klk]

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

 

[roadwreck]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

 

[cement]

that is just wrong on so many levels.

 

[Chucktown PE]

We really need to start spamming or the A team is going to take the lead. Where TF is VTE?

 

[FLBuff PE]

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"

"1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."

 

[Guest]

Q: How are a woman and KFC Chicken alike?

A: Once you are done with the breasts and thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to stick your bone in!

JR

 

[FLBuff PE]

Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"

 

[Chucktown PE]

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"