Before I was an engineer

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Fudgey

Master of Disaster
Joined
Jun 28, 2006
Messages
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Location
Sandwich, IL
So I figure everyone must have had a couple of jobs before getting into the engineering world. Even if it was just a college job. I bet it would be fun for people to post about what they did. Here is one of mine from a college summer job.

A couple of years ago I was working painting houses in the summers. I was on a crew and everything, but as this story begins they were off prepping another location while I was putting the finishing touches on a job. The work was down in a basement, and the woman of the house was home. And man, when I tell you I had to take a shit, I mean, I had to take a shit. :p I was certainly prairie dogging it at that point. And a few minutes before that, I had squeezed off a fart so smelly it was like I was working at a sulfur factory. My innards were irate. So I knew something on deck was ready to kill.

I was also quite certain it was going to be one of those burning ass shits -- one that burns your hole on the way out and makes you question even using toilet paper afterwards. I mean, it feels like your bunghole is so hot that you're going to set fire to the asswipe if it even gets inches near your cornhole. I've heard this phenomenon called ring-sting before and yes it does sting like the dickens.

So I really had to take a dump. Now, normally when I'm at someone's house, I'll just use their toilet, no problem. But I knew the smell of this would be horrid, and there was no bathroom down there in that basement. The woman of the house was indeed home (she was upstairs) but to that point hadn't been very accommodating to the crew of painters. She was an older woman, and you could tell she was a bit wary of having us working in her home. It was clear she wanted to keep us in the basement and away from her good things.

So I was almost finished with the job, and I had this empty five gallon bucket. You know, the type of bucket that makes a good seat when you flip it over. Since I was almost done with the pulling all the tape off the walls, I figured I could just use that.

Now I just needed something to wipe with. I had a couple of old rags on hand I could use. I got those together with the bucket and headed into the closet under the basement stairs. I set up shop in there, and I hovered over the bucket, and I started my business.

And just as I started just as the first piece of hot (and I do mean hot) dung was leaving my buttocks, the woman called down to me. "I'm bringing down some lemonade!" she said.

Now, mind you, I have zero business being in this closet. I have even less business being in that closet with my pants down at my ankles, and even less business than that being in that closet filling a five-gallon bucket with my excrement. And she's on her way down?!

"Uh, just leave it on the, leave it up - uh, I'll get it later! No thanks!" I said franticly, spouting gibberish as I tried to cut my hot shit short. The burning of my asshole rivaled that of a hot cattle branding iron being shoved up my ass. I heard her foot hit the top stair, and then the next stair, and the sounds were right over the closet, meaning she was right over me! I painfully pinched and pulled my pants up, no doubt getting crap everywhere, thinking to myself, "Oh god, let me get away with this. Let me get away with this."

That's when the smell hit me. My god, the smell! I realized in that increasingly small amount of time I had that I must keep her away from the closet -- I had to intercept her at the bottom of the stairs before the smell did. There would be no way she wouldn't figure out what I was up to if she caught wind of the brown sculpting clay I left in the bucket.

I got my pants up in record time, and I got out of the closet okay, but in order not to make noise, I had to leave the closet door open a bit. I could barely walk with the ring-sting burning my brown-eye. Oh god, did it ever hurt. I think I got to the bottom of the stairs before the stink did. I met her there and said, "Thanks for the drink, but that I'm almost done. I'll bring the glass back up in a second. I'll only be a few more minutes. I'll be right up." I tried to say anything I could think of to get her back upstairs before the smell hit her.

Finally she turned around and headed up the stairs. But all I could smell was shit, and maybe she smelled it as well and that's why she was heading upstairs. I'll never truly know. Regardless, I had some precious time to work with, and the evidence needed to be disposed of.

I got back to my newly formed shit closet and finished up my work. I still had some in there that needed to be let loose. And the sting was almost unbearable. I had to suppress the urge to whimper. And when I turned around to look, I realized I had made quite a mess of things in that bucket. I really needed a power washer, and a radioactive suit or something. The smell nearly made me gag.

I did a quick job on myself with the rags I had and dumped them in the bucket, along with the underwear I had indeed ruined while having to cut myself off. I then ran that bucket outside through the basement door and into the back of the truck. I finished the rest of the job downstairs in record time, called her down there, got my check, and God dammit, I got out of there. I drove away knowing that I hit that bucket with everything I had, and that I really got away with one. Had she decided to investigate any further at all, there simply would've been no explaining a five gallon bucket of feces in her closet.

 
But I will say that I used to work at Target during the high school years and the dumbest customer I ever met was the one who walked up to me, with a combination lock in hand, and asked me how she was suppose to figure out the combination.

I kindly replied, "You have to guess it" :p

 

This one is for you fudgey!
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Nice work!!

JR

 
:p

OMG that was the best story I've read in a while. I can just picture it all in my mind. Nothing better than a job well done. :joke:

 
:p Bravo, Fudgey!

Bigwolf: I used to work at Target, too. I was a "cart attendant" for almost 2 years in high school, before a friend got me a job in the auto shop (back when Target still serviced cars). I had absolutely no business being there - I knew nothing about working on cars at the time - and my first day there I was told to "go put the wheels back on that custom van!" I grabbed the air wrench, and then started looking at the lugnuts. I honestly did not know which way they were supposed to go on - the flat side first, or the conical side. So I took a guess (a bad one) and mounted the wheels back on the van with the flat side of the lugnuts up against the guy's new mag wheels. I can only imagine how bumpy that guy's ride home was. I finally gave up on that job after mounting my arm in a tire. I don't think they were sorry to see me go.

 
:please: Bravo, Fudgey!
Bigwolf: I used to work at Target, too. I was a "cart attendant" for almost 2 years in high school, before a friend got me a job in the auto shop (back when Target still serviced cars). I had absolutely no business being there - I knew nothing about working on cars at the time - and my first day there I was told to "go put the wheels back on that custom van!" I grabbed the air wrench, and then started looking at the lugnuts. I honestly did not know which way they were supposed to go on - the flat side first, or the conical side. So I took a guess (a bad one) and mounted the wheels back on the van with the flat side of the lugnuts up against the guy's new mag wheels. I can only imagine how bumpy that guy's ride home was. I finally gave up on that job after mounting my arm in a tire. I don't think they were sorry to see me go.

That is really funny! I remember when I quit, it was the beginning of summer vacation from college and they couldn't give me enough hours to work and so I had to go find a different job that could guarentee 40 hour weeks. The team leader person got really upset with me and said it was the worst decision I would ever make and that I would regret it and be sorry. I think its funny that I was in college studying for my engineering degree and this idiot had the impression that I would always stay at target.....where's the WTF smiley when you need it?

Anywho, now I'm doing what I love and making some change doing it.....that is the way to live!!!!! :eek:hmy:

:joke:

:multiplespotting:

And now, if we could just get some damn results from California, we would be in business!

:p

 
For the love of Christ, that was funny!

I'm pretty sure there isn't one that can beat that. I have two, but not near as good.

#1

I was 14 working for a truss building company. I was the youngest guy there by 10 years I think. The second youngest was 25 and this guy was nuts, drank beer like it was water, etc. I worked for the summer and got to know them, came back in the winter and it was one of those winters that when you throw coffee it freezes mid-air. This nut job gets the idea to see what happens if he takes a massive dump from the upper truss of the shop during this cold day. He thought it would feeze midair and land as a large poop-sicle. So the guys lift him up there, mind you its 60+ foot to this truss, with a fork truck. He proceeds to drop trow and startto squeeze one out, he gets half a log out and the owner and client walk into the shop to get a tour. By the time jacka$$ notices and the owner realizes what is going on, the log has slipped and falls to the ground. Now we know that coffee freezes because the density of coffee when thrown in the air drops and can freeze quickly. Back to the turd, stunned, everyone just watches it fall as a log and proceed to splatter like a $hit bomb upon contact with the floor. The crew begins laughing hysterically while the owner drags the client out of the shop while screaming "YOU'RE FIRED!" to the nut job. I was not there for this event, but I was told this by the owner as an "example of behavior that is not acceptable here".

#2

I was 19 and working as a pipefitter apprentice. Now I was not actually in the Union, but my Dad is and they called on me when they needed Seasonal help that had half a brain. I got pulled from wrench duty on a natural gas peaking unit to be the head welder on the job, they gave me a kid (he was actually 3 months older) who was a pre-apprentice to be my helper. I am welding 16" schedule 80 tar lined pipe, triple passes. An old journeyman came by and noticed I was low on P+++++ rods, now he knows what I need but tells this kid to go get me P++++ rods, notice the difference? There are only 4 +'s there. This kid runs to the storage shed and is gone for like an hour. By this time I found the old hand and he told me what he did, half laughing and half pissed I had no help, I tracked down this kid who had found the P5 rods, but was getting ready to as the owner rep if he knew where he could find P4 rods. Luckily I stopped him and told him the truth.

Now 2 weeks later we were done welding and got put on nat gas piping duty. We were putting valve assemblies in a line and noticed that we were missing an actuated plug valve. The old hand comes by again and tells the kid to go get him a "Neutanator valve". I laugh, so does the kid. But he runs off, I'm thinking to find the foreman and tell him we are missing th plug valve from the kit we got from the supply house. No, this kid looks for a Neutnator valve for 2 hours. Somewhere along the line someone tells this kid the expensive valves are in the "big trailer". This is the owners trailer, he goes in there asking for the valve and the engineers in there look at him like he's an idiot. But this kid was so adament that there was such a valve that he gave a description to them, now after a little bit these guys thought maybe they were wrong and forgot that is was in there. So they look around for an hour trying to find this valve. They get frustrated and call the Owners Project Engineer, he tells them they are dumb %$*&s and that there is no such thing. The PE calls the contractor and tells him what this kid was doing. Needless to say he was gone the next day.

 
Fudgey - you should write stories, you definately have the ability to set a scene... thanks, really...

My background, not as funny, but matches much of what I'm sure most of you had to put up with...

I worked for a roofing contractor out of high school before college, hot tarring roofs - nothing like blowing black snot out of your nose every night, wonder how many years that took off my ticker.

Then my Freshman summer, I worked concrete construction with a bunch of guys that had to have been in their 50's and skin that looked like leather. Needless to say, I got straight A's that next semester, since I didn't want to be doing hard physical labor in my 50's like these guys.

Then I worked as a summer grunt at my brother's work. He lives up near Brekenridge Colo, as an electrical lineman. I was a summer grunt that would dig up faults in the distribution lines. Does anyone want to know why they call those mountains the ROCKIES???

Then I had an internship with a Nuclear power plant.

Then I worked as another grunt for USDA mowing weeds (relatively easy work for $16/hr)... I actually worked for my future father in law, without knowing it. I hadn't met his daughter yet. Then later that year after going back to school, I met his daughter and we started dating, then I met him a few months later. weird.

 
I worked at Fed-Ex thru 1.5 yrs at school loading and unloading trucks, and I worked the door at a bar in our college town.

Summers:

1 year as a painter with a commercial painting company

1 at a Paper Mill (P.H.Glatfelter in Spring Grove PA)

1 at the FBI (even had full security clearance)

1 with my Father-in-laws contracting business (He made me run air drills and jackhammers all damn day)

 
I was a waiter through high school and college. I never shit anywhere that I wasn't supposed to but I did accidentally drop a plate on a toddler's head one time. I never personally messed with anybody's food but I saw it happen a few times. If you have ever seen that movie "Waiting", its hilarious to me because it is a lot closer to the real thing than what you might think.

 
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