HOMEMADE CHILI

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MA_PE

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HOMEMADE CHILI

WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that

course of action was a wise one.. You see, the previous evening I had

prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're

definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff,

although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written

guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt

cheeks WILL fall off..

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two

cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No

'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my

intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony

referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just

when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and

supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all

seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping

items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of

the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm

referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to

hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The

chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush

for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,

forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take

one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet

relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly

enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been

recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour

might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave

the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of

it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I

needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his

reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to

dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions

emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least

will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but

didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and

apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could

do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there

blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward

off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made

me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped

down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive

issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing

that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing

that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly

things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through

the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way,

praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,

began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat

because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in

while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and

Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,

'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then

quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially

filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store

employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside

for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in

the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a

minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to

escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt

up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner

shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the

manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked

none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to

eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I

went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are

in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have

to repaint the store.

 
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