EB Mafia

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I'm sorry for your digestive system.
Matzoh + butter is delicious.  A nice thin layer of room temp butter on top of some passover matzoh.  Perfect.

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“This is so delightful!  An EB grocery run! Nothing could possibly go wrong!” chirped @chart94, skipping along as they led the motley group towards the glowing mecca known as Wal-Mart.  The low-watt, almost institutional, lighting highlighted the scuffed flooring, the unimpressed associates, and the shelves chock full of random Easter items. Such items included the creepy animatronic bear that looked like it was humping the basket it held and the ‘solid’ chocolate bunny that appeared to be mixed with sawdust during processing.  @jean15paul_PE was sure one of the dolls was following them with their eyes. Very suspicious.

“So what do we need to get?  I mean, a 24-hour Wal-Mart is super useful, but I always spend too much on numerous dog outfits for Moo...” @LyceeFruit PE said, somehow already holding a firefighter dog costume in their hands.

“Everything.  All the food. I have 103 children,” responded @ChebyshevII PE, who stared at the suspect low-price fruit and vegetables before morosely making their way towards the take-n-bake pizzas near the front.  A single pizza could feed, like, idk, 15 kids. Sometimes it was better to buy crappy food in bulk instead of healthy food in limited quantities. They figured that out after child number 37.

Others in the group were wandering around and grabbing random items they liked.  Which started out as small, single items, but soon became ridiculous. @MEtoEE was somehow skillfully holding a bunch of bananas in their teeth with a huge bean bag chair in their arms.  On the other hand, @RBHeadge PE perfectly balanced a patio set (including sun umbrella) in their arms, all the while sneaking out an empty foot to bat a carton of eggs from the refrigerator case, where they then hacky-sacked it to the top of their load.

Just when @SaltySteve approached with a shopping cart, because they were tired of others foisting their numerous purchases on them to ‘only hold for a minute’, they paused at @squaretaper LIT AF PE...who was looking out into the parking lot.  “What’s going on?” They asked once they had deposited numerous tulips that @tj_PE decided to save.

“Something...seems wrong.”  They responded, continuing the stare across the mostly empty parking lot.  It was almost midnight on a Tuesday, but it did seem...quiet for a Wal-Mart.

Of course, as if summoned, a hoard of SUVs suddenly came streaming into the parking lot.  Karen after Karen exited their vehicles into the cold, mid-April weather, plumes of smoke leaving their mouths as if they were the horses of the apocalypse.  Some of the Karens were wearing face masks, but @vhab49_PE assumed it was Korean fashion and thought nothing of it.

“This is your fault!”  @blybrook PE roared, dropping their semi-fresh salmon to the ground (because, really, who would buy fish from Wal-Mart?) and cranky due to low blood sugar, “I just wanted to shop in peace, but now everybody’s going to make fun of me!”  Their large paw flailed in response, toppling a display of fish crackers.

“Yeah!  You hate plants, so you obviously wanted to cut this trip short!”

“It’s midnight!  I NEED TO FEED MY CHILDREN!”

"Bork, bork, bork!" Borked @Roarbark

As @squaretaper LIT AF PE backed up from their newly-crazed EB acquaintances, they didn’t notice @MadamPirate PE behind them, perusing the only slightly-bruised avocados.   They toppled back after tripping on @MadamPirate PE’s reusable microfiber bag and gently tapped one of the women who had entered to shop, her violently red hair clashing with the purple of their winter jacket.

“Weiser!  You’ve got the weiser!  Get away from me!” They screeched before hunching in on themselves and scuttling deeper into the store.

“What was that about?”  @squaretaper LIT AF PE wondered, brushing themselves off, “Weiser?  Isn’t that a beer?” They mused further, looking up to find @MadamPirate PE suspiciously in their personal bubble. “Can I help you?”

“The avocados.  They’re rotten. And I’m sure you have something to do with this.”  @MadamPirate PE hissed, waving the squished avocado in their hand in @squaretaper LIT AF PE’s face.

Before @squaretaper LIT AF PE could respond, because obviously they couldn’t control the ripeness of produce, they were slammed to the floor by a still fish-less @blybrook PE.  Their head slammed on the dingy floor, catching on the seam of the laminate flooring, which dug into the corner of their eye. Sputtering, they attempted to right themselves, only for the now-fully-laden plant cart to go rolling over their upper half.  They gurgled helplessly when one of the wheels crossed their throat, hearing more than feeling something snap in the delicate area of cartilage, bone, and windpipe.

As the rest of the EB crew continued to shop, moving onto frozen foods, @squaretaper LIT AF PE’s view slowly faded to black.  
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@squaretaper LIT AF PE was a regular shopping townsperson

The remaining players are:

@ChebyshevII PE, @tj_PE, @RBHeadge PE, @MEtoEE, @vhab49_PE, @jean15paul_PE, @LyceeFruit PE, @MadamPirate PE, @chart94, @SaltySteve, @blybrook PE, and @Roarbark

The final vote was:

x4 @squaretaper LIT AF PE (bly, tj, madam, cheby)

x1 @SaltySteve (lycee)

x3 @tj_PE (square, jean, chart)

x1 @jean15paul_PE (vhab)

x1 @chart94 (me2)

x1 Nada (nada)

x1 @Audi driver, P.E. (jaykay)

 
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