# This Story Sucks



## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

It was a dark and stormy night.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The two strangers in the lifeboat looked each other over, in the fading fire light of the sinking ship....


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The man in the bow of the lifeboat was a slender fellow, almost anemic, with a black goatee and paranoid eyes.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The man in the stern was a little more thickly built, a real "cutiepie" as some women had called him in his past.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

But his rugged, Alaskan good-looks could not hide the fear in his face.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The thin man in the bow glanced nervously at him and blurted out "Jesus Saves!" in an almost reflexive manner.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"I don't know about that. Jesus culdnt even save my marrege after years of counseling and prairs and going to church at 6o am every sunday, and he never answered my pairs for making fatty money, either. What make syou think he gives a crap about two engineers in a lifeboat stranded in the bearing sea?"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"It's spelled 'marriage' and 'couldn't' and 'prayers' and it's the 'Bering Sea', and what's with the poor punctuation and grammar??? I'm surprised you ever passed the PE exam with grammar and spelling skills like that. If I wasn't stranded on this lifeboat, I'd contact the Alaska Board of Professional Licensing and suggest they revoke your license! " Said the thin man, reaching inside his jacket and pulling out a small flask.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Dude way to harsh my mellow I was just saying that Jesus never did me any favors and if he was so all great and powerful why couldn't he get my wife to let me give it to her up the rear. Its not like it's against the rules or anythign I think the whole saddam and gonnorhea thing was about homosexuals and not about consenting anal sex between two married partners. Hey what are you drinking there anyway?"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The thin man looked at his boat mate in disgust. "It's 'sodomy' and sodomy is an affront to God and an insult to your marriage! It also violates the Florida Engineering Ethics act and is one of the many reasons I have have never gone there. Oh, but just to clarify, one or two fingers does not qualify as sodomy!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"dude what fun is just a finger or two if fingers could get off then i guess it would be ausome and all and id probably never leave the house but to really get my rocks off i need to have my little fatty in there if you no what i mean. You no its going to get pretty cold soon once the oil stops burning Mr. Orlando, what's in the bottle there anyway?"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The thin man stared long and hard into the burning water where the ship had been, and took another drink from the flask. "Say, what were doing on board anyway? I never saw you at any of the dining hours, and I made sure I was there for every one of them."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"dude i didnt do all the long hours of advance math and computer stuff to jut sit around making 60 bills an hour filling some fat cats poccets while he golfs in Juneau, OK? lol, everyone knows if you want to make the fatty cash you need to move to another cooperation or even start a new career."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Stop calling me "Dude" and answer the God Damned question! What were you doing on the ship???" Said the thin man, followed by another swig from the flask.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Cutiepie stared back at the thin man for a long time, looking straight into his eyes. A slow, strange smile crept across his face as he finally answered "You don't recognize me? I was your cabin boy!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The flask slipped from the thin man's hands and splashed in the icy water at the bottom of the liferaft. "But! But! I killed you!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The smile remained fixed on Cutiepie's face as he reached for the zipper of his parka. But the thin man was faster, and had the silenced PPK drawn and pointed at Cutiepie almost instantly.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Cutiepie continued unzipping his parka, slowly revealing a crudely made steel breastplate, which was heavily dimpled with the impact dents of six nine milimeter slugs.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"I'll be sure not to make that mistake again" said the thin man, adjusting his aim for the center of Cutiepie's forehead.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"lol!!! you wont kill me because you know i am the only way you will survive out here - i can get you a fatty whale and you woodent no what to do without a good alaskan guide with you. come on man i no you make the fatty cash and all i want is a peace of it and ill make sure you get out of this alive if you put that gun down. lol." --


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The thin man glanced nervously at the dark, stormy seas around them. "Yeah? What makes you think I can't get a whale myself? I'm the smartest stormwater engineer on the entire eastern coast! If I can work out times of concentrations for 5000 acre watersheds, who are you tell me I can't find a whale myself?"

But still, the muzzle of the gun lowered just a little....


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

'dude stormwater are you serous? lol I remember they used to teach stormwater to the ag tech grads in undergrad. if some lowlife who shovels manure for half his degree can run tr-55 then i hardly think its real engineering. i hear you don't even need to be an engineer to get a certified professional in stormwater management certificate. plus whats the big deal about any form of engineering that is done primely on computers anyway. lol i can run a spredsheet as good as anyone. but don't get me wrong its sweet you can make the fatty money doing work a trained monkey could pump out of its ass while jerking itself off looking at little retarded kids at the zoo lol...."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The thin man's face flushed red and he angrily jabbed the gun at cutiepie "Trained monkey?? Take that back!!!!"

Just then, the sound of a ship's horn came across the water, from the opposite direction where the MV PPI had just gone down.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Ha ha!" shouted the thin man, "Right on time! That would be the _SS Engineer Trades_, my friend. I hope you are comfortable, because you're going to die in this lifeboat!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Unbeknownst to the two in the lifeboat, a strange series of events was taking place under the waves, a series of events which would change everything in their world.

Deep down in the hadalpelagic zone, almost 18000 feet down, in fact, a medium sized angler fish missed the attack on his fourth hatchetfish of the day, sending the lucky hatchetfish on a fateful escape trajectory, straight into the eye of a passing giant squid. Bewlidered, the giant squid released an enormous cloud of ink and shot upwards at an incredible velocity. The massive bulk of the surprise squid set off a cascade of smaller events, as shoals of various baitfish, jellyfish, smaller squid, and finally a lone swordfish, became startled by the events beneath them, and spooked upward.

Now, some say the swordfish is a highly intelligent creature, but this one was not. It swam blindly forward and upward away from the commotion, and did something no other swordfish would have thought to do; it looked back! And just as it did, it slammed with full force into a very large passing narwhal. Ordinarily one would think "lucky narwhal!" and in some respects that would be correct, at least in the respect that the narwhal narrowly avoided impalement by the swordfish, but what happened next was extraordinarily unlucky for the narwhal, as well as the thin man in the lifeboat.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The ship's horn sounded again, much closer , but this time the sound was followed by sudden flash of orange that lit up the salt spray in the air all around them.

"Dear Jesus! What just hap.."

KABOOM! The sound of an enormous explosion cut the thin man off mid-sentence. --


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Dude, clearly the _Engineer Trades_ has gone down! its just you and me out here now so why don't you put away that gun already you know i was only trying to state a different point of view and i don't no why you need to take things personally it was nothing to do for you just chatting and HEY! Come on man, don't shoot me!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The thin man suddenly lowered his pistol and burst into tears. He then raised his arms to the sky, silhouetted against the glow from the flames of the _Engineer Trades_, and cried out "Why hast thou forsaken me????"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Oh man, your really reminding me of my ex wife right now, lol, she used to always do that stuff during sex. "


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Fudge this!" said the thin man, and he turned the gun on himself, taking the muzzle in his mouth, and pulled the trigger.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The sound of the gunshot was muffled and died nearly instantly in the wind. The gun fell out of the thin man's hand as his head jerked violently backward. Cutiepie looked on in stunned silence.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

But the thin man raised his head again, and, with smoke leaking from his open mouth, said "Owww! Whath pthe ppphhhuuck! Whath pthe ppphh.... OWWWWWW!" and he reached for his gun, which was sloshing around in the icy water at his feet. --


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

But Cutiepie had beaten him to it, and took the gun back to the stern of lifeboat and started examining it closely "Oh i see youre problem here" he said as he opened a small port in the top, ejecting a tiny brass cartridge, "this things a starter pistol. you cant kill youreself very good with one of these you now they dont chute bullets they just chute blanks. i shute blanks too you no. i got a, whats it called, histerektimmy? right after getting married so i woodent have any children. i really think kids are a drag, how can anybody afford to have kids on a meesely 65k a year i dont get it."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Whath pthe hell isth your phroblem? Ssstheriously! Sthere'sth thomething wrong with thyou!" Said the thin man, still clutching his jaw, and moving for the starboard oar.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Cutiepie grabbed the other end of the oar and held it firmly down. "Whoa whoa whoa there buddy! take it easy im just chatting with you no need to get all hostile or suicidal or whatever you are. i dont no about you but im pretty sure nobuddys cumming to get us soon. you need a friend and i can see that and I can be that friend. but most of all you need some warmth or you going to freeze you nutz off this isnt orlando anymore you know this is alaska and up here you won't last 10 minnutes in wet clothes like that."

The thin man let go of the oar and sank back onto his bench, taking a second flask from inside his jacket and drinking heavily.

"what do you say we get those wet clothes off of you. i dont bite lol!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"You sthay the hell away from me you wierdo! Ishtn't sthere thome thort of emergenthy blanket in sthe thurvival boxth there? Oh thcrap my mouthhh thtings!"

the thin man took another swig from the flask, "OWWWWWW!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"lol! yeah there might a space blanket in their or something like that but it wont do you any good if you already got hypnothermia. dude your shaking like crazy and your hands are blue and shit. the only way your going to survive is to get out of those clothes and get close to me under the blanket. lol don't be hatin' i'm not gay or anything like that i mean i may like it anal but not in my own ass and yes i've tried it;s only fair if you ask your honey to take it up the rear youve gotta let her try it on you first lol"

The thin man just stared at cutiepie silently, thinking over his options.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

President Dleg stared out the windows of the Oval Office. The deep lines in his forehead betrayed the worry on his otherwise ruggedly handsome face.

"Sir, I have Admiral Elcid here to see you, as you requested."

Dleg turned around and got straight into business. "Chief, what the hell happened out there in the Bering Sea? I want answers!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Mr. President, all we know at this time is that the containment vessel was breached, and the _PPI_ went down. The SSN _Chucktown_ was tracking her, sir, and confirmed that the cargo survived."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Who do we have commanding the_ Chucktown_?"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"It's Captain Wilheld, sir, and I'm not so sure I would say that he is 'in command', per se..."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

“Aw crap! Not Wilheld! I should have never approved that experiment in anarcho-capitalist nuclear sub command. DAMMIT!"

President Dleg turned and looked out the window for a few seconds, pondering what to do.

"Admiral, see if you can contact the _Chucktown_ and then keep them in contact. Advise Wilheld that he needs to prepare to execute Emergency Plan Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, and to stay in contact for further orders."

"Yes Mr. President!"

Dleg turned and sat back in his desk chair, and keyed the intercom: "Snickerd? Get me Secretary of State Frazil. Tell her I need an immediate meeting of the Security Council, right here in the White House central command bunker."

"Oh, and could you bring me some coffee while you're at it? Make sure it's hot this time!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

On board the _Chucktown_, Petty Officer First Class Dexman made his way through the piles of dirty laundry, beer cans, burrito wrappers, and drunken sailors to the teletype, which had just finished printing out a long set of instructions.

"Get the hell out of my way seaman Paul! Let's see what they want this time... uh huh.... mmm hm .... HOLY SHIT! CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN!"

Dexman turned and tripped over a comatose sailor and landed face first in three bags of garbage, narrowly missing the periscope shaft with his head.

"Paul! Do you have any idea where the Captain is?"

"Go to hell! I can't find my bong!"

Dexman pushed his way past, stepping over garbage, laundry, and bodies, making his way for the game room.

"Lieutenant Ble! Where's the Captain!"

"Where the fudge do you think he is, Dex! He's in the game room playing wii bowling with Commander Flyer!"

"Do you know if he's in charge today?"

"Well how the fudge should I know? He's been in there for three days. No one's said shit to me about anything. Now get to hell out of my way, I've got to get to the reactor. Some alarm or something was going off yesterday, and I need to see if it's still on so I can disable it and get some sleep."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Petty Officer Dex shoved his way past a male and female sailor copulating in the narrow passageway, and knocked on the locked game room door.

"What the fudge do you want! We're busy in here!" came the muffled reply, followed by the sound of a strike.

"CAPTAIN! I have orders here from CENTCOM!"

"Oh, well, put them in my inbox and I'll check them later" This response was followed by muffled giggling and the sound of two beer cans being opened.

"But Captain, They're ordering us to begin executing Plan Whiskey tango Foxtrot!"

There was a moment of silence, then the sound of someone stepping hurriedly through a pile of empty beer cans, and then the door opened. "Let me see that!" Captain Wilheld, unshaven in a stained t-shirt, looked the orders over and then looked Dexman in the eye with a look of horror: "Holy shit! We - we - we need to do something! Dex! You need to do something! uh, uh, do something!"

"Uh, OK sir, shall I call the crew to their posts?"

"NO! No, that would just alarm them. We need to give them a chance to sober up. OK, here's what you need to do: Get to the Con and clean the place up a little. Tell whoever's awake that I need to see them in there because.... because there's a beer ship ahead and we're stopping for more beer!"

"OK sir!"

"And Dex, tell Lt. Ble to make his way to the forward torpedo room and begin arming the Mark 69. I'll send Flyer to monitor the radiation levels."

Commander Flyer lowered his beer and with a look of indignation said "Hey! It's my job to arm the Mark 69!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Back at the White House, heads of the nations composing the security council had gathered in the basement of white house, or were present via secure videophone. Secretary of State Frazil waited patiently for Snickerd and the rest of the White House staff to complete serving tea and Coffee, before standing and recognizing the entrance of President Dleg.

"Distinguished leaders and representatives, I welcome you and thank you for coming on such short notice. We are faced with an emergency of unprecedented proportions, so I will cut the pleasantries short and get straight to business. But please, feel free to grab a donut - they're really quite good. I had Snickerd pick up two boxes from the Winchell's down on 18th street. Hey HEY! hands off the powdered sugar one there, Dmitri, that one's mine!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Gentlemen.."

Ahem...

"... and ladies" Dleg corrected himself, "I have some very bad news. We have lost control of the package."

The room immediately filled with commotion and shouting and objections, so much so that no one could be heard.

"Gentlemen please! one at a time!"

The room quieted and the French President stood and said "How can this be! We gave this mission to the United States because you assured us that these two could not escape from you!"

The Prime Minister of India interrupted "Do you have any idea of what this could do to the world economy! Oh my goodness gracious, if these two are able to get on the internet, it would destroy India in a day!"

"OK, Calm down everybody, and allow me to fill you in on what we know" said president Dleg, looking a little sheepish. "I, too, was confident in the ability of our crack team, under Captain Lindeberg, to transport these two to the containment facility. And I still have every confidence in him. But the fact is, someone got on board the _PPI _and sabotaged it!"

Everyone in the room gasped.

"Now I would like to think that it was none of us in this room, because we had an agreement, but at this point I cannot take any chances. I have had to put the U.S. Military on full alert. If any of you know anything about this, please speak up!"

The various heads of state glanced around the table. Even the heads of state on videophone. But no one knew anything.

"We know nothing about this President Dleg!" Shouted the Russian President. "having these two turned loose on the world would hurt us just as much as it would hurt you. Why would anyone in this room want to do that?"

The room muttered in agreement. Except for the Queen of England, on videophone, who cleared her throat to get everyone's attention.

"Excuse me! Excuse me please! Great Britain may have, oh shall I say, an idea of what might have happened."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

All eyes turned to the image of Queen Elizabeth II on the videoscreen. A look of immense sadness crossed the elederly monarch's face as she started her tale.

"A long, long time ago, in the depths of the Cold war, I approved a crazy, crazy idea, which I never thought would have worked, to genetically engineer a team of super-annoying engineers, who would be grown and raised as Soviets at a secret facility in Iceland, and then planted in various critical positions within the Soviet government, where they would, completely unknowingly, destroy the Soviet Union from within."

The Russian President turned red in the face and sputtered something, but was cut off:

"Oh I'm so terribly sorry, Dmitri, but it was war and all, you know. At any rate, the Berlin Wall came down while the three were still just school children. We terminated the program immediately. But, they were just children! I could not just have them destroyed!"

President Dleg rubbed his forehead "So, you had them sent here? What the Fudge, your Highness?!"

"Oh, I am so sorry, dear Dleg! Our scientists assured me that their training was not advanced enough for them to become the trained weapons we had intended, and that they would most likely turn out to be ordinary citizens, albeit incredibly annoying citizens. But Parliament refused to budge, so I had to send them somewhere. Oh, I hope you will be able to forgive me!"

The room looked on in stunned silence.

After a moment, President Dleg finally stood up and said "Well, I guess there's nothing we can do about that for now. But it still doesn't answer what happened to the PPI and Captain Lindeberg! Does anyone in here have any useful information??!!!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

It had been a long night, but finally the thin man had stopped shivering and had fallen asleep, naked against the hairy chest of Cutiepie, together under the space blanket. Cutiepie looked up at the glow of the Aurora Borealis and thought back on the events which had brought him to this point. He wondered why things always seemed to go wrong for him. Why his wife didn't like it up the pooper. Why he tried and tried but could never bring home the fatty cash. Any now, here he was, with some bitter, neo-fundamentalist stormwater engineer naked agaisnt his chest. What was wrong with this crazy world?

It was then that he caught a glimpse of something reflecting the Aurora light off to his left. He looked into the darkness, and between the swells, he saw what looked like a pole sticking up out of the water with something shiny on top, perhaps a piece of glass. Then he saw the phosphorescence of a wake - it was moving! And it was moving straight toward them!


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The pole was rising, too, and was soon followed by an enormous black shape rising up from the sea.

"Wake up! wake up naked dude! there's some thing cumming our way and im not sure but it looks like some kind of kickass submareen! that is so kick ass if they would have let me command a sub i would have stayed in the national guard but i cuddent take halfing to sit there and take shit from some washed up football player yelling insults at me but if they would have given me command of a sub that would have kicked ass and i might have considered staying in and WHOA!!!!"

The lifeboat suddenly lifted out of the water and fell sideways, spilling the two onto the upper surfaces of a gigantic black submarine. A row of floodlights switched on at the top of the sail, illuminating their naked forms.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Things were suddenly quiet. The submarine was so large that it was hardly moving with the waves, and the two naked engineers came slowly to their feet, and looked up toward the bright lights.

A voice called down from the top: "Is one of you a Mr. Phouk Tard? And is one of you a Mr. Pierce One?"

They looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and responded "Yeah, that's us!"

A hatch on the deck behind them suddenly opened, revealing a wide, dim staircase leading into the submarine. "Go down the stairs! I'll meet you inside!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The security council remained silent.

"I'll ask again, don't any of you have any information that would explain what happened to the _PPI_ and Captain Lindeberg? Not now, secretary Frazil!"

"But Mr. President, sir, did the Queen of England say there were THREE?"

The Queen sighed and looked down again on the video monitor. "Yes, I did say three."

The members of the security council looked nervously around at each other.

"Well, do you have any idea who and where the other one is"? asked President Dleg, clearly aware that he was losing control of the situation.

The Queen sighed again. "Yes and no..."

The room filled with murmurs which were quickly shushed by Secretary Frazil.

"I had so much hope for the third. We placed him in an apprenticeship position with a heating, ventillation, and what do you Yanks call it? Air conditioning shop, yes I believe that's it. He did quite well and even got into your country's top engineering school, graduating at near the top. He got offers from several of your country's biggest car manufacturers, but he refused all of them and set up his own company.

I was confident that he was not a threat, until about two years ago, when MI-6 picked him up on the internet, tearing apart a number of lesser engineering forums."

Dleg rubbed his forehead again and sat heavily in his chair. "I know this man."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"I know you do. You were there when he first appeared, as was I"

"You were there? "

"Yes, I worried that this day would come, so I registered on Engineer Boards to keep watch. We defeated him then, but I am afraid we only made things worse"

"Wait a minute, who are you??"

"Why Dleg, don't you realize, I am Mary!"

The security council let out a collective gasp.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Dleg was flabbergasted, but recovered quickly. "Well, what happened to the guy?"

"GT_ME disappeared off the internet and devoted himself to his work. His HVAC company was so profitable that he was able to buy an entire island off the northwestern coast of Russia. He set up his operations there, inside an old submarine pen abandoned by the Soviet Navy."

All eyes turned to the Russian President, Dmitri. "What? Like you wouldn't have done the same thing? The guy was loaded with cash!"

"Dmitri, you didn't sell him a submarine, did you" Asked Dleg.

"Sell, no. But, uh, how to say, we _traded_ for one."

"What did you trade, Dmitri?" Said Dleg, horrified.

"Hey, don't everybody be blaming me, now! this is all Queen Elizabeth's fault! We knew nothing of this man's terrifying capabiility! Hold on, I must phone Russian navy right now..."

Everyone in the room was looking at Dmitri.

"Oh Okay, I will tell. We gave GT_ME submarine base, and one fully operational Typhoon class nuclear ballistic missile submarine. Eh" he shrugged :dunno:


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The entire security council replied, in unison, _"DMITRI!!!"_

"Tell me you weren't stupid enough to give him any nukes, Dmitri. TELL ME!" Shouted Dleg.

"No, we were fortunately not that stupid. We learned our lesson from that Osama guy. Did I just say that?"

Everyone in the room glanced at each other nervously.

"Nevermind, we'll deal with that later" said Dleg, "is there anything else we should know about your deal with GT_ME?"

"No. But I do not think it was GT_ME who sank the _PPI_."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Back on board the Chucktown, Captain Wilheld stood before about one half of his crew in the control room, with an unbuttoned khaki shirt partially covering the stained undershirt, and said:

"OK guys here's the deal. We're not going to get more beer.."

He was interrupted by groans and one extremely loud "BULLSHIT!"

"Now now listen up, OK? We actually have to do something here. Some serious shit is going down, and I need everyone to sober up and do their jobs for a while."

"But Captain, you said we didn't have to do anything unless we felt we were being paid what we were worth for it!" "Yeah! and I feel like I'm being screwed here! " The whole crew started muttering "yeahs" and "up yours" and other statements of disgust.

"I know I said that men, and I still mean that. I am confident that we can successfully run this submarine on the anarcho-capitalist model. I will set up Dex here with a pile of contracts and we will once again bargain for what you feel you are worth. But be advised, again, that I will only pay what I agree you are worth."

The crew grumbled.

"OK, I need akwooly on sonar. I need to know what's happening around us. There are a lot of threats out there, and we've got to start taking this seriously."

"Fudge you man, I ain't touching that sonar shit again unless you pay me $500,000 a year! Supply and demand, Motherfudger!"

"All right Seaman Wooley, you have a right to bargain for your services. But I don't have $500,000 a year to give you."

"Well then Fudge You! I'm going back to my bunk!"

"I can give you $50 an hour with an added $100 for every legitimate contact you locate."

"Now you're talking!"

And so it went for the next 2 hours, as Captain Wilheld bargained for the services of his crew.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Soon things were humming along fairly smoothly. All of the trash was removed to the compactor room, the laundry was loaded, and most of the beer cans were picked up. akwooley sat intently at the sonar and occasionally communicated something to Seaman PaulS, who would then make a mark on the glass tracking board.

"So what have we got?" asked Captain Wilheld.

"Well, we've got what sounds like a pod of Sperm whales about 5 miles to our north northeast, a crab boat due south, and what sounds like an empty life raft bobbing in the waves about a mile from here...

"Are you sure it's empty?"

"Pretty sure, Captain. I did my thesis on empty life rafts. But there's one other thing, and I don't think you're going to like this one."

"What is it?"

"It's a Typhoon class nuclear ballistic missile submarine. And it's right behind us."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

A long tube began to slowly extend from the front of the Typhoon, headed straight for the stern of the _Chucktown_.

"Captain, I can't be sure, but it sounds like there's something extending from the Typhoon, headed straight for our stern!"

Just then a metal screeching was heard, reverberating throughout the pressure hull, and then a click like a door latch opening.

"Oh shit!" said Captain Wilheld. "They're entering us from the rear!" He lunged for the intercom "Lt. Ble! Get back to the stern and lock the inner hatch on the AG 1N1 Mark V boarding tube!"

"The intercom crackled to life: "You mean the VAGINA?"

"No! I mean the AG 1N1 Mark V!"

"Same thing!"

"Just do it!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

A metallic clang rang through the hull and the sub lurched forward, throwing everyone to the floor.

"Captain! We've lost all control of propulsion!"

Wilheld pulled himself back upright and keyed the intercom, addressing the entire crew. "All right fellas, this is it! Everyone grab a weapon and take cover! In a few minutes foreign seamen are going to come spewing in through our back door!"

The rifle cabinet was opened and everyone started passing around carbines.

Petty Officer Dex looked up at the Captain "But sir! We're at 2000 meters! Won't it be dangerous to use our guns down here?"

"Shit, you're right! Men, put those guns back! Set tasers to "hurt"!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Captain! They're cutting through the inner hatchway now!"

Everyone tensed, and aimed their tasers for the hatchway as showers of sparks rained into the main passageway.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The sub shook and the sound of an explosion was heard over the intercom. Then silence. Captain Wilheld keyed the intercom "What the hell is going on out there! I need a report!"

"Captain, it's ... it's... "

"It's what!?"

"It's female storm troopers! And they're hot!"

"Goddamnit Ble! Do not lower your guard! Everyone knows stormtrooper armor can be molded in any shape!"

But there was no reply, only the muffled sounds of sailors making cat calls and saying "hey baby!"

"Lieutenant Ble! Order your men to back up and open fire! They are not what you think they are!"

"Fudge you Captain! You don't pay me enough to warrant that type of loyalty! Besides, what could go wrong? They're ..."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The intercom filled with the low-fidelity sounds of a battle. Mostly the sounds of men screaming, and the occasional "zzap!" of a taser.

"Oh shit! They're breaking through! OSUguy, close the aft bulkhead! Everyone else stay in position!

Seaman OSUguy ran to the aft end of the control room and pushed the heavy door shut, but then stopped and said "Uh, Captain, the latch???"

"Oh crap! I forgot about that!" Wilheld had removed the latches on some of the bulkheads to prevent the crew from locking him out a few months back.

The sounds of battle died out and there was silence for a moment. Then came a new sound. "What the fudge is that?" said Captain Wilheld, turning toward the intercom.

"It sounds like someone breathing from a SCUBA tank!" replied akwooley, from under the chart table.

"No! It couldn't be!" --


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The emergency Security Council meeting had been going for hours. Snickerd had been asked to make no less than 5 runs for donuts and Starbucks, and was now out getting Dominoes Pizza.

Secretary Frazil held the receiver of the red phone in her hand and motioned for President Dleg, who stooped to hear.

"Gentlemen! We have finally made contact with the _Chucktown!_ Frazil, put them up on the screen." Everyone in the room turned toward the large central screen as a staticky image came into view. Slowly the image improved, revealing a shiny black helmet and mask.

"It's Darth Vader!" shouted the French President, who then turned and ran out of the room.

"Oh come on! What the Fudge!" said President Dleg.

Queen Elizabeth II, aka Mary, looked away guiltily, rubbing her neck. A voice on the central screen crackled to life.

"It is I, Darth HVAC! I have captured your puny vessel and its crew! _skuhhh-huhhhhhh_"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"All right, GT_ME, we know it's you, why don't you take off the mask and tell us what you want."

"SILENCE! I ask the questions here! GT_ME is dead! _skuhhhhh huhhhhh_"

"Well OK then, uh, Darth, uh HVAC, we're listening."

Admiral Elcid made a "cut if off!" gesture at the President, who then took his hand off the transmit button. "Mr. President! If that idiot has the Mark 69, we're all doomed! See if you can figure out if he has it, or if the _Chucktown_ was able to launch it before they were captured!"

Dleg keyed the mike again. "Uh, Darth HVAC..."

"In conversation, you may call me Lord HVAC. _skuhhhhh huhhhhh_"

"OK, Lord HVAC, I would like to verify that the crew of the _Chucktown _are OK."

"Very well. _skuhhhhh huhhhhh_"

Captain Wilheld then appeared on the monitor. "Yo Dleg! What up!"

"Wilheld! Are you and the crew OK?"

"Well, some of the crew were killed during the boarding, but I've never been better, Motherfudger!" he said, spreading a huge wad of cash in front of his face like a cheap Las Vegas card dealer.

"Aw crap! Vader - I mean Lord HVAC - outbid me, didn't he!"

"Well, not yet technically. What's your offer?"

GT_ME stepped back in front of the camera. "That will be enough. Wilheld and the _Chucktown_ are mine! And so is the Mark 69! Mwuahahahahahah! _skuhhhhh huhhhhh_"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

President Dleg felt the accusatory eyes of all in the security council on him. The Russian President Dmitri was the first to say what all were thinking: "What is Mark 69, and why you put such a thing on your anarcho-capitalist submarine?"

Dleg loosened his collar. "Uh, yeah, the Mark 69...." He walked slowly to the front of the room and took a drink of water.

"The Mark 69 was designed to be a Doomsday weapon, for the Internet. It's a special type of EMP generating nuclear device, and, well, it's pretty complicated how it works to take out only the internet, so if you'll forgive me the details, I'll just leave it at that."

Everyone in the room started talking at once: "Can it be stopped?" "Why did you give it to wilheld?"

"Now, now, hold on everyone! I hardly think GT_ME is going to be using the Mark 69! After all, he has no power without the Internet! The real reason this is such trouble is because the Mark 69 was our only defense against this scenario! There was only ever one made, and now he has it!"

"Oh rovery, just rovery!" said the Japanese prime minister.

"Can it be leemotely detonated?" Said the Chinese President, via videophone.

"Ironically, the Mark 69 was made so long ago that it has no internet capability." Dleg walked around the table, rubbing his chin. "But there may be one man who could help us...."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Back on the _Chucktown_, the female stormtroopers had seduced and bargained their way all the way to the forward torpedo room, where Commander Flyer, alone with the partially armed Mark 69, was making a gallant effort to resist.

"Come on Commander! They're HOT, and they're loaded with cash!"

"You fools! Don't you know that they can mold storm trooper armor in any shape?!" Commander Flyer flipped furiously through the Mark 69 manual, racing against time to get it armed. Although he did not know the details of the mission, he knew what the Mark 69 was designed to do, and that it must be important if his sub had been invaded from behind to get it.

The voice of Captain Wilheld came through the door next. "Flyer, come on! You can't seriously be considering defending that socialist asshole Dleg, can you? This is big cash talking out here! All they want is the right to conduct their business without interference from Big Government! And isn't that what this whole sub was all about?"

_What would Reagan do? What would Reagan do? What would Reagan do?_ Flyer sweated profusely, comparing the tangle of wires inside the arming circuit to the diagram on page 1645 of the manual. _Which one is the damn null cable? Damn this red tactical lighting! _

"Hey come on Flyer, we need you in the Wii room! Darth HVAC totally sucks at bowling, we can take him for all he's worth! I need you, buddy!"

_There it is! Now all I need to do is connect it to the J15 jack.... Shit! There's a J15 and a J1S jack???!!!!_

Suddenly the room was lit by the brilliant white light of a plasma cutting torch, as it broke through the steel hatch.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The intense light made finding the connecting jack easy, and Commander Flyer had the Mark 69 armed and buttoned up just in time, as the door was kicked in and female storm troppers flooded the room.

Flyer raised his hands, seeing the dozen or so taser rifles pointed at his chest. He then busted out in laughter as Darth HVAC made his entrance.

"You've got to be fudging kidding me! Bwahahah!"

"This is no joke, Commander, and thank you for arming the Mark 69 for me. _skuhhh huhhhhh_"

"Wilheld, what the fudge is this shit? Is this guy for real?"

Wilheld had entered the room behind Darth HVAC, still clutching his wad of cash. "I could care less. He's sure throwing the fatty money around, though. You could get some too, you know. He still needs your firing key. This thing will only launch with both of ours. You hear that HVAC? That'll be another hundred K!"

"Silence! I tire of your insolence! Take the Captain away! _skuhhh huhhhhh_" Four female stormtroopers immediately manhandled the still protesting Wilheld back out the door. "Now Commander, you will give me that firing key!" Darth HVAC then held his arm out in a choking gesture, eliciting another fit of laughter from Flyer.

"Stop making fun of me!" snapped Darth HVAC. "Kill him!"

Six taser darts hit Flyer in rapid succession, dropping him instantly and leaving him a quivering wreck. Once the sparks had stopped, a stormtrooper bent over his body and cut the firing key from around his neck with a pair of wire clippers.

"I have it, Lord HVAC!" said the female storm trooper, in an oddly deep voice.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

All eyes turned to President Dleg.

"Al Gore."

The Security Council let out a gasp.

"You cannot be serious!" Said the Indian Prime Minister. "Everyone in this room knows it is total bull shit he invented the internet. How could this man know anything that might help us?"

"I am afraid I cannot tell you any more. But I believe he may be our only hope." Dleg keyed the intercom. "Snickerd, would you be a sweetie and fetch me the Internet Czar? Yeah, the "Ban Hammer". That would be wonderful, thank you. Oh, and while you're at it, I think we could all use some sandwiches in here. Am I right?" Dleg looked around the room, as all the heads of state murmured agreement.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

After all the heads of state had hit the head, and Snickerd had returned with a tray of bologna sandwiches and VTEnviro, Dleg reconvened the marathon Security Council Meeting.

"Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to our Internet Czar, VTEnviro. VT, we have an unprecedented emergency. The entire Internet is facing destruction, and I need you to go and personally ask Al Gore for help."

VT's face went white. He swallowed hard, looked nervously around the room, and said "Can't I just send him an e-mail?"

"No, I need you to personally speak with him. Secretary of Transportation Cement will take you to him. Isn't that right, cement?" Dleg looked to his left at a smaller monitor, where the unshaven Transport Secretary was rubbing his eyes and yawning."

"Aw, shit, sir! Gore?" replied cement. "Do you have any idea what that does to traffic up here?"

"Careful, Secretary! Gore's location is still classified!"

"Oh, yeah, uh, sorry about that. Yeah. As soon as VT gets here we'll go see Gore."

"Excellent. VT, Air Force thirty four is waiting for you. So get the fudge out of here!" VTEnviro snatched a sandwich and departed, escorted by two Secret Service agents, who had appeared during the video conference.

"Now, we need to get some assets up to the Bering Sea and locate those subs!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Gentlemen, do any of you have any assets in the Bering Sea, or near it?" Asked President Dleg, addressing the Security Council.

Admiral Elcid raised his hand. "Sir, the _USS Clinton_ is about six hours away. She can be there in a few hours, and she can have search aircraft on scene faster than that."

President Dleg slapped his hand on his forehead. "The _Clinton_?! Don't we have anything else up there? Anything?!!"

"No sir. Most of our fleet is still in the South Pacific, supporting your invasion of Tahiti."

"Oh yeah, I was supposed to be on my way there right now to check on our progress. Dammit!" Dleg paced to the other side of the room. "Dmitri! Haven't you got anything up there? You guys used to have the Bering Sea locked down?"

The Russian President shook his head and looked down at his sandwich in obvious embarrassment. "Nyet. We sold entire eastern fleet to Pepsico four years ago, and it now rests at the bottom of the sea." Dmitri crossed himself and continued staring at his sandwich.

"Oh, right. The Cola Wars." Said Dleg, pacing back to the head of the table. "Admiral, I guess we have no choice. Order the _USS Clinton_ north. Tell them to search, but not to engage. We don't know what we are dealing with exactly."

"Right away, Mr. President."

Dleg rubbed his chin and looked at the situation board. "And one other thing."

"Yes sir?"

"Tell the _Clinton _to prepare for a visitor."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Cutiepie and the Thin Man had been aboard the Typhoon for hours, and with the exception of a few bumps and clanging sounds, were completely unaware of the events which had been taking place just a few hundred feet forward of their staterooms.

"this is totaly kickass i always wanted to be on a kickass nucelar sub! And female stormtoopers i always new that was true! man all i need is some fatty cash and i'll be SURE that we dead and in haevun now!"

The Thin Man looked at him in disgust, across the small table in their shared living area. "You know they can mold stormtrooper armor in any shape they want. What makes you think these guys are actually female?"

"dude i totally had sex with one of them right after we came on board! she was so hot she let me put it in her ass! im telling you this is heavun!"

"Did she show you her boobs? Did you see a vagina? did you see her face, for that matter?"

"fudge no! why would i want to see her face? a hot chick lets me do her in the rear and im gonna be asking her to show me her face, or her boobs, or her vagina? i may not be the smartest guy around but i amnot stoopid. i take what i can get and that was one hot ass"

The thin man shook his head and said "Jesus, why me? I've been such a good Christian!" and then took another swig from the jeweled bottle that had been left for him.

Just then, the door to the stateroom hissed open and two female stormtroopers entered and snapped to attention on both sides of the door. GT_ME then entered the room and looked down on the two.

"_skuhh-huhhhhhh_"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Follow me. _skuhh-huhhhh_"

"Don't we get any clothes?" protested the Thin Man.

"oh man darth vadar! this is like a dreem cum troo! dude are you for real? do that thing where you choke somebody frm across the room! can you skweez a chick's titties that way? that wood be awesome! oh man you could totally jerk off in meetings with that thing! people would be all like 'vader man, why are you moving your hand up and down on the desk like that?' and you'd be all like "ohhh! uhhh! arrrrgghhhh!' hahhahaha.."

"Silence!" Darth HVAC shot his arm out and physically grabbed Cutiepie by the throat and choked him. "_skuhh-huhhhh_ Do not anger me! I do not wish to hurt you just yet. I have plans for the both of you. Trooper, get these two some bathrobes."

Cutiepie fell to the floor, coughing and grasping at his windpipe. "hey man i was just joking around, cant a guy have a different oponion then everybody else around here"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

A black Chevy Suburban with a ski rack on top was waiting on the tarmac at Denver International Airport. Internet Czar, VT "The Banhammer" Enviro was escorted immediately to the Suburban, where Secretary of Transportation Cement was waiting. "Welcome to the Mile High City! We need to get going."

They drove west on Interstate 70 for approximately an hour, gaining steadily in elevation, and worsening weather.

"It's been snowing like this all year. There's record snowpack at Loveland, so it should be good cover for this operation." They passed under a digital highway bulletin that said "DANGER! AVALANCHE HAZARD HIGH! BE PREPARED TO STOP"

"That's for you, you know." Said cement. VTEnviro did not know, of course. He had no idea what was happening.

"Does Gore live up here in a chateau, or something?"

"Something like that. Hold on, it's time!" Cement instructed the driver to fall in behind a fully chained semi which was crawling up the steep grade at 20 miles per hour, and watched behind him. No headlights were visible, but the visibility was poor. He keyed the radio in his right hand "Hit the warning sign now!"

The entrance to the Eisenhower Tunnel materialized from the blowing snow in front of them. "Now!" said cement, lifting the safety cover and pushing a large red button on a device he pulled from the center console. Four dim flashes shot in rapid succession from the clouds above them, followed almost immediately by the startling concussions. A huge mass of snow began moving downward toward them.

"Holy Shit!" said VTEnviro, as the mass of snow hit the highway just behind them, sealing them in the tunnel.

"Fun, huh? Well, enjoy it because it's nothing but a nightmare for me and my crews."

The Suburban slowed and came to a stop. The semi continued on ahead. "What happens now?"

Suddenly the floor fell out from under them and the Suburban was in free-fall.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The Suburban descended for what seemed like minutes, passing occasional wall lights which revealed them to be in a vertical granite shaft. VTEnviro clutched the armrest in terror.

Then there was blackness and absolute silence. The Suburban continued its descent. VT looked out the window and saw what looked like a light, far below them. As they continued to descend, he began to see what looked like thousands of tiny, dim strands of light radiating from it.

Soon a ray of light that was slightly brighter than the others appeared, coming from the center light toward where they were falling. The rate of descent slowed, and the ray of light took on more detail, revealing what looked like a long bridge, or catwalk, leading out to the center of the vast open space. The center light was still far away, but more detail could now be seen. It appeared to be a transparent sphere, lit from within, with thousands of tiny cables or strings emanating from it in all directions.

"Welcome to the Internet!" Said cement.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

VTEnviro and cement walked out toward the central sphere on the long, transparent catwalk. VT clutched at the flexible handrails and moved in a shaky, unsteady fashion. "Unnerving, isn't it? It has to be non-conductive like this to avoid interfering with Him." Explained cement.

"You mean Al Gore actually controls the internet?"

"Not exactly."

As they got closer to the central sphere, the source of light began to reveal itself. It was the naked body of Al Gore, floating unsupported in the center of the sphere.

"Al Gore IS the Internet" said cement, rolling his eyes.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

They walked closer.

"How does he poo in there?"

"Don't ask."

They finally came to the large, transparent platform which supported the Sphere. VTEnviro squinted to see if any tubes or wires ran into or out of Al Gore, but nothing was visible on the inside of the sphere, only the thousands of tiny cables connecting to its exterior. "So how do I talk with him?"

Cement stopped and faced VT. "You're gonna have to go in there with him."

"How?"

Cement stepped to one side of the platform and pushed a button on a barely visible console. A small door hissed open near the bottom of the sphere.

"So, I just go in there?"

"Yes."

VT stepped slowly toward the open door, looking back occasionally at cement.

"Oh, and one more thing. You can't wear clothes in there."

"Aw man, come on!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Cement turned away and VTEnviro disrobed, folding his clothes neatly on the thick acrylic floor of the platform. He stepped closer to the door and recoiled at the foul odor coming from inside. "Aw Jeez, man, I think I know the answer to that question now!" He peered up into the sphere and didn't see any floating turds or other bodily fluids, so he took one last look back at cement, just to make sure he wasn't catching a peep, and then stuck his head up inside the sphere.

Instantly he found himself in a small meadow surrounded by a forest of immense, old pine trees. He was clothed in a simple cloth tunic. Birds sang in the trees around him, and flowers bloomed by the hundreds in the meadow. He looked around, and saw a brilliant white figure standing atop a small rise in the center of the meadow. He had long white hair, a long white beard, and wore a long white robe. In his right hand, he held a long wooden staff.

"G-g-g- Gandalff???"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

A huge smile spread across the wizard's face. "Son!" He cried.

"D-d-d- Dad??!!"

"Nah, I'm just fudgin' with you! LOLOLOLOL! Call me Goredalff!"

"Uh, OK, Goredalff. What is this place?"

"It's the Internet! Wonderful, isn't it?"

VTEnviro looked around. He noticed that the needles of the pine trees were vibrating, shimmering, at an almost imperceptibly fast rate. The air above them was filled with the comings and going of tiny insects.

"That's data, coming and going, all operating under a delicate balance, just like our fragile Earth's Ecosystem."

VTEnviro looked closer: Were those boobs hanging from every tree? Why do the fish in the trout stream look like penises? And the flowers, thousands and thousands of tiny, shaved vulvas!

"LOL, What can I say? The Internet is 95% porn. Speaking of which, let me formally welcome you, VTEnviro! I have watched you for a long time. I even have a special name for you."

Ut oh, thought VTEnviro.

"We know you here, affectionately, as the Master Bait-"

"OK, OK, Goredalff! Really, I appreciate the welcome, and this is all fascinating, but I'm here because GT_ME, TmK-"

"SILENCE!" Boomed Goredalff, the sky suddenly filling with dark clouds above them. "We do not speak their names! Not in here!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"OK... I'm here because those three, uh, trolls -"

"Trust me, those three are far worse than any troll. I got trolls up the ying yang in here. See? There's one over there, rooting in the vulva patch." _ZZAP! _Gordalff aimed his staff at the creature and it exploded in a puff of smoke and fur. "No, those three are not trolls."

"Well, what are they, then?"

"They are ancient demons from an earlier time. They have been sent here by the greatest Evil of all, that which seeks to destroy Me!"

"They want to kill Al Gore?"

"No! LOLOLOL! They want to destroy the Internet!"

"So you know all about this, then?"

"Yes, unfortunately, I have watched this happen, bit-by-bit."

"Yeah, well, sorry about how we lost those two....."

"Don't worry about it! LOLOL! This has been prophesied since the Creation. This was destined to happen, and humanity was destined to face this Evil and destroy it, or be destroyed by it. Besides, you should be more sorry about handing the Mark 69 over to them, what with it fully armed and all."

"It was armed???"

"Yes, I am afraid so. There is little we can do at this point."

"But, I thought the Mark 69 was our only defense! Are you saying that-"

"Yes, you fools. You have delivered the Evil One with the only thing that can truly destroy me, and allow Him to Take over the Earth. Seriously, what the fudge good did you think a bomb designed to "destroy the Internet" would do for me? It will only pave the way for our ultimate defeat."

"Oh, holy shit! They sent me here to get you to tell us how to detonate it!"

"Of course! That's exactly how He planned this whole thing. But... there is still one way humanity's fate can be saved. It's an incredible long shot, but we've got to try."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

General Highway sat in his jump seat inside the C-17. It was an extremely unpleasant flight. The winter was the worst since 2010, or so they said. He looked across the aisle to the opposite jumper seat and continued.

"Again, I apologize for abducting you and chaining you up like this. But we really need your help. You're the best man for the job. We really have no choice! I promise, it won't be like last time. We'll make it up to you."

Wolverine glared at him from the seat and said "You know, you could have just told me that. I would have come."

"Again, I apologize. can we take off the chains now?"

"That depends on where we're going, and what we're doing."

"I can't tell you what we're doing yet. But I think you'll like where we're going." General Highway looked out the small window behind his seat. "There she is! Here, let me unchain you, and take a look out this window."

As soon as he was free, Wolverine had the General up against the wall, with the tips of three of his claws pushed into his throat so far that the skin was beginning to puncture. "I should kill you now, for what you did to my family!" But he couldn't help looking out the window behind the General's head, and suddenly he let go of his neck and pressed his head into the window frame.

"What the hell is _that?! _It's colossal!"

"That's the _USS Clinton_! Amazing, isn't she?"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"A treadmill aircraft carrier! What a bunch of crap! So is that how you got it to work? Just made her longer and longer, until you could just take off from it like a runway?"

"Hey, _it works_. We can even land this C-17 on it. How many other carriers can land a C-17?" Replied General Highway, indignant.

Wolverine scoffed. "Gee, I don't know, how many other aircraft carriers are _two fudging miles long?"_

"It's only 8,500 feet long, and I don't care what you say. _It works!_ Admit it! I was right!"

"You were _not_ right! All you did was make it long enough to work! It wouldn't matter if the entire deck was just paved with concrete, covered in grass, or a giant fudging treadmill! All you did was float a giant runway! Of course it _'works'_." But Wolverine continued to watch in fascination as they passed alongside the giant carrier, preparing to make their upwind approach. As he watched, he saw what appeared to be several parked F-35s moving backward at a high rate of speed, and what also looked like dozens of crew members attempting to run forward away from them. In a few seconds, the F-35s had fallen off the back of the ship, along with a few crew members, while the rest suddenly fell forward onto the deck, which had abruptly stopped moving.

"Holy shit!" exclaimed Wolverine. "That thing is dangerous as hell! They just dumped an entire squadron of F-35's off the stern, along with half their crews!"

General Highway cleared his throat. "There are still some bugs to be worked out. Come on, we had better buckle up for the landing."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

The C-17 banked steeply and bucked wildly in the turbulence, its engines accelerating to near full throttle to maintain the tight turn. General Highway looked a lot less confident than he should, thought Wolverine.

"What's the matter? You don't trust this thing?"

General Highway glared back at Wolverine, but did not reply. The plane was on final approach now, fully lined up, and the gear lowered. Wolverine looked out the window, and saw the supersructure pass by. "Oh shit! We're coming in too high!"

The engines dropped back to idle and the giant cargo plane continued to glide in, well past the midpoint on the deck of the _Clinton_. Suddenly it settled down, hard, and the engines were immediately thrown into full reverse, and the pilot leaned on the brakes hard. Wolverine looked out the window in alarm at the quickly passing runway lights, and noticed that they were slowing much faster than he would expect on a normal runway. Soon they were stopped, and the plane began to turn around. Out the window, Wolverine could see that they were still nowhere near the end of the runway - the front of the ship faded from vision into the hazy sea mist.

"Ha HA! See what I told you? IT WORKS!"

Wolverine was stunned to silence for a moment. "Well, I suppose the treadmill could make landings a little shorter" he admitted, but quickly regained his form: "But a damn arrestor cable system would work just as well and cost a fraction of what this behemoth must have run you!"

General Highway felt he had regained the upper hand in the argument. He jabbed his finger at Wolverine again: "IT WORKS!"

"Yeah, in a sense, but at what cost? I heard you had to retire six conventional nuclear carriers to pay for this thing!"

"Retire? Fudge no! We built this thing _on top_ of them!" beamed the General.

"That's preposterous! How can something rigid like a runway be built on top of six, separately floating ships!"

"It was a challenge, alright, but we had a team of the best structural engineers in the world design the thing. IT WORKS!"

The plane had turned around now and was taxiing toward the superstructure. "If this thing works so well, why did we turn around? Why didn't they just convey us back to the tower?"

"Well, you saw what happened to those F-35s, did you want that to happen to us?"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

General Highway and Wolverine walked down the extended steps from the rear cargo bay door and made their way across the windy, wet deck toward a door in the superstructure. Just forward of the superstructure, an S-3 antisubmarine aircraft was taxiing from the elevator which had just brought it to the deck. "Hold on. I want to watch this." They paused outside the doorway to watch the takeoff operation.

"This ship is so big, the planes don't even have to fold their wings! Saves a ton of time!" Exclaimed General Highway.

The S-3 pulled quickly into position and began throttling up. The treadmill surface began to accelerate backwards.

"Oh shit! NO! NO! You idiots!" cried the General, as the still-unloading C-17 began to move toward the stern, its service crew dropping their tools and hoses and racing for the edge of the deck. But it was too late, the S-3 was already fully into its takeoff run, halfway down the deck from where they stood, and the treadmill had accelerated to nearly 100 knots. They looked back in horror as the massive C-17 tipped backward off the stern, the wind catching it briefly and turning it a little as it cartwheeled into the sea. A brief orange flash and a puff of dark grey smoke, fading quickly into the mist behind them, was all that was seen.

"Not again!" Shouted the General, as they were ushered inside.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

They were ushered through a wide passageway past dozens of saluting Seamen, then up a grand staircase to the bridge, where, much to their surprise, everybody seemed calm and business appeared to going about as usual.

"Ah! Welcome General Highway!"

"Admiral Captain Worley! It's good to see you again! You know Wolverine already, don't you?"

"Ah yes, Wolverine. I trust there are no hard feelings?"

"_Admiral Captain_ Worley? What the fudge? Why not just 'Admiral Worley'?"

"Because 'Captain' is my first name, of course!"

"So why didn't we all refer to you as 'Captain Captain Worley' back when you were just a Captain?"

"Because that would just be silly. We didn't call SapperPE 'Colonel SapperPE' when he got promoted to Colonel, and we certainly didn't call him 'General SapperPE' when he made General, and now that he's on the Joint Chiefs of Staff, we sure as hell don't call him 'Major General SapperPE' now, do we?"

"But we call you 'Admiral Captain Worley'... ?"

"Yes of course! Now please, gentlemen, follow me into my quarters. We have much to talk about."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Admiral Captain Worley led the two through an ornate doorway on the rear starboard wall of the bridge, and into a large apartment that looked like a Vegas Presidential Suite.

"Tacky." snarled Wolverine, running his hands over one of dozens of brass nudes that supported the rails on the glass, spiral staircase.

"May I get you gentlemen something to drink?" Said a bow-tied bartender, as they entered the black marble, red velvet and brass lounge room. But Wolverine's gaze was drawn quickly toward a dark figure sitting in a chair off to the side, looking out the massive single pane window at the ocean.

"Is that you, Dark Knight?"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Wolverine.... They roped you into this, too?"

"More like chained."

Admiral Captain Worley interrupted with two tumblers, one-third filled with 80 year old Scotch. "Gentlemen, thank you for coming. I hope to explain everything for you. Please be seated."


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"At approximately 0200 local time yesterday, the _USS PPI_ disappeared from contact."

Wolverine shrugged :dunno: "Isn't that Lindeberg's ship? Who fudging cares?"

Worley swirled his scotch and continued. "The_ PPI_ was carrying TmKeon and rppearso"

Wolverine stopped mid-sip, and looked back at the Admiral. The Dark Knight just continued listening, with no apparent reaction.

"All indications are that the _PPI_ was sunk. How, or by what, we don't know. But here's the really bad news: we have reason to believe the two were picked up in a black market nuclear sub operated by GT_ME."

Now, even the Dark Knight could hold back no longer "What the hell is wrong with you people? How could you let this happen!? Do you have any idea how much of my life I spent - no, wasted - trying to get those two into custody?!" He stood and threw his tumbler against the brass-and-black-marble island fireplace.

Wolverine just ckuckled quietly. "And I suppose now you expect us to fix this for you again?"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

"Wait, it gets worse" continued Admiral Captain Worley, "GT_ME captured the Chucktown, too."

"You mean Wilheld's sub? Once again, who gives a fudge?!" replied Wolverine, angrily.

"Because the Mark 69 was aboard the Chucktown!" Worley had finally lost patience.

Wolverine and the Dark Knight looked at each other and shrugged :dunno: :dunno:

"Jesus, you idiots, don't you get it? They're going to destroy the Internet!"

Wolverine's drink slipped from his hands, and he feigned a look of extreme horror. "Oh My God! Not the Interwebz!" He then busted out in laughter as he got up and made his way to the bar.

The Dark Knight failed to follow in his laughter, though, and turned and looked out the large single-pane window at the rough ocean below. "This doesn't make any sense to me!" he said.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

DK turned back to the General and Admiral, suddenly engaged. "You say the _PPI_ was sunk? Was it sunk by GT_ME?"

"We aren't certain." replied Worley, "But we don't think so - GT_ME picked up TMack and rppearso several hours after the sinking."

"And I suppose the _Chucktown_ knew nothing?"

"Well, you know Wilheld. The crew was probably drunk or playing wii."

DK turned back to the window, in deep thought. "So who sank the _PPI_...."

Just then a Seaman entered the room. "Admiral Sir! Master Slacker here with a report from the search aircraft!"

Everyone rose and turned to face the Seaman. "Yes, son, what is it?"

"Our planes have found a ship!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

THAT CATCHES US UP WITH TODAY, April 27~28. IF YOU WANT MORE, CHECK IN THE 10K THREAD, STARTING ON PAGE 51.


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Oh, and for the record, I am NOT at work. I am on very extended leave, using it all up in between my old job and my new job.

(I can't break the narrative in the 10k, but I can comment here if need be)


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

Cutiepie and the Thin Man walked down several long corridors inside the Typhoon, escorted front and rear by a squad of female stormtroopers. As they walked, they passed several open doors, revealing female stormtroopers in various states of work and relaxation.

"oh man this is the awsomest thing i have ever seen. oh sweet! the shower room!" Cutiepie stopped and looked inside a room filled with steam and vague, shadowy forms covered in towels.

Whack! The butt of a taser rifle hit him in the back "Keep moving!" came the deep, amplified voice under the helmet of the stormtrooper immediately behind him.

"i saw cleevege! i saw cleevege! i told you so!"

The thin man turned to him in disgust "That doesn't mean anything! All it takes is some hormones, and even a man could grow breasts!"

"no dude im teling ya these are chicks and their hot!"


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## Dleg (Apr 27, 2010)

^Oops. now I;m getting confused about where I'm posting. I won't do this again! Read the 10k thread!


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## Santiagj (Apr 28, 2010)

Wow this shit is great! This is the next national lampoons movie.


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## kevo_55 (Apr 28, 2010)

:appl:

Hall of fame bound thread Dleg!!


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## Capt Worley PE (Apr 28, 2010)

HoF is all over this one!


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## cement (Apr 28, 2010)

Dleg said:


> Oh, and for the record, I am NOT at work. I am on very extended leave, using it all up in between my old job and my new job.
> (I can't break the narrative in the 10k, but I can comment here if need be)


creativity and self dicipline. a modle spammer!


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## Paul S (Apr 28, 2010)

Bravo, Bravo!!


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## Ble_PE (Apr 28, 2010)

Agree, this is great stuff! I assume that I was killed by the Lady Stormtroopers, but what a way to go!


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## OSUguy98 (Apr 28, 2010)

Ble_PE said:


> I assume that I was killed by the "Lady" Stormtroopers, but what a way to go!


fixed it for you.... are you sure that's the way you'd want to go? lol


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## Ble_PE (Apr 28, 2010)

OSUguy98 said:


> Ble_PE said:
> 
> 
> > I assume that I was killed by the "Lady" Stormtroopers, but what a way to go!
> ...


That's not the way it is in my imagination...


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## Chucktown PE (Apr 28, 2010)

Ble_PE said:


> OSUguy98 said:
> 
> 
> > Ble_PE said:
> ...



We've debated this ad infinitum and we have pictures to prove that they are dudes.


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## Sschell (Apr 28, 2010)

you're a dude....

oh wait............

how can we be sure?


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## Ble_PE (Apr 28, 2010)

Chucktown PE said:


> Ble_PE said:
> 
> 
> > OSUguy98 said:
> ...


Check out the one's Slacker posted in the 10k thread. Those are not dudes.


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## Dleg (Apr 29, 2010)

Sorry about today, was out taking my son to the zoo and then having lunch with the wife, who still has to work. Poor thing. Nobody's around EB after about lunch for me, so it's tough to move the story along.


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## klk (Apr 29, 2010)

I'm here!!! I'll keep posting for awhile!!


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## Dleg (Apr 29, 2010)

Cool, but I'm outta here in 5 minutes!


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## Dleg (Apr 29, 2010)

Cutiepie and the thin man were led into a long conference room and told to sit down at the table.

"oh man this is so kickass awsome its just like the meeting room on the death star!"

Darth HVAC entered the room and sat at one end of the table.

"Welcome gentlemen. _skuhh huhhhhh_. Care for some coffee or tea?"

"id like sum coughie! something like a dubble lotey with hayesnuts, and some donuts if you have them."

A female stormtrooper left the room to get Cutiepie's order. "And for you? _skuhh-huhhhh_"

The thin man hesitated, then spoke "I had a flask with me, can I have it back?"

"Of course." replied HVAC. "_skuhh-huhhhhh_" Another female storm trooper left the room. HVAC then turned to the last stormtrooper, "bring us prisoner twenty four."


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## Dleg (Apr 29, 2010)

"Gentlemen, what do the three of us have in common? _skuhh-huhhhh_"

Cutiepie answered almost immediately: "weir in a kickass nucular sub filled with hot female storm troopers!"

"I mean besides that. _skuhh huhhhhh_"

Cutiepie thought for a moment, while the thin man sat silent, nervously scratching at his goatee.

"wier.... all men?"

"_skuhh-huhhhh_"

"we all screwed hot female stormtroopers up the butt this morning?"

"No! _skuhh huhhhhh_"

"Aw Hell no!" added the thin man.

Finally the thin man spoke: "We're all outcasts."

"Exactly! _skuhh-huhhhh_ But outcasts from where?"

"jeese, prety much everyhare i ever been. there was this one site that i joined it was all cristchins but they kicked me off and then there was this other site i joyned that was all merrege clowneselers but they kicked me off and then-"

"Aw Jeeze! Enough already! It's Engineer Boards, isn't it?"

"Yes. Mwahahahahahaha! _skuhh-huhhhhh"_

An evil grin spread across the thin man's face. Cutiepie's, too.


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## Dleg (Apr 29, 2010)

A female stormtrooper entered the room. "I have the prisoner, Lord HVAC."

"Excellent. _skuhh-huhhhhh" _ GT_ME pressed a button on a console that had raised up from his side of the table, and a large wall panel on the back of the room slid away, revealing another room through a large window. A middle aged man was seated at a desk with a computer in front of him, typing on a keyboard.

"You may not recognize this man, but you all know him. _skuhh-huhhhhh_ It is benbo, of EB.com."

Benbo continued typing on the keyboard as Darth HVAC pressed another button, causing a display of the computer's monitor to become visible over a portion of the windowed area.

"Engineer Boards!" gasped the thin man.

"It's only a simulation, I'm afraid. Benbo does not know this, however. _skuhh-huhhhh _We have been allowing him four hours per day on our EB simulator, to get him comfortable with it for this demonstration."

The monitor revealed that benbo was browsing rapidly through multiple posts throughout all areas of the simulated engineering forum. "Now watch this. _skuhh-huhhhhh"_

Benbo navigated his way into the _"Politics"_ subforum and clicked on a thread entitled _"Dleg to eliminate education for white children"._ The thread's author was listed as "wilheldpe" and there were 78 posts in the thread. Benbo began reading at post 76:



> _Post No. 76_Author: jackshit25
> 
> That's absurd! Why would the federal government want to destroy the very base that pays most of its taxes!





> _Post No. 77_Author: palinfan69
> 
> Dleg's thinly veiled socialist agenda is destroying this country. Anyone who believs anything that comes out his administration is either a fool or a socilalist. But why do I even try, jackshit25, youve clearly drank the koolaide.





> _Post No. 78_Author: wilheldpe
> 
> I don't hold to any political party and I hate the Reps as much as I hate the Dems, but Dleg is handing us over to UN as we speak. Look at this article in the Wall Street Journal by Glenn Beck:
> 
> Dleg throws pajama party in White House with Russian and French Presidents, while sources reveal secret UN base in Louisiana hosting British Armored Division, funded by US taxpayers!


Benbo followed the link and read for a while.


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## Dleg (Apr 29, 2010)

While benbo read the WSJ piece, two keyboards raised from the table in front of cutiepie and the thin man. "Please..." Lord HVAC gestured toward the screen. "By all means, jump right in. _skuhh-huhhhhh_"

Cutiepie was first to post a response:


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## Dleg (Apr 29, 2010)

> _Post No. 79_Author: rrpearso
> 
> i usullie vote dem but tis one is something i totally disagree with i never would have got threw school without my federeal grants and i probaly never would have overcum my svere dislexxicus without all the federeal money pumped into the alaksa school system but this realy highlifes the problem with engineering salaries. i mean wtf i spend 18 years in school just to get a BS and another 6 years get ing a masters only to make 60k what a joke! docs and jd's make 250k starting right off how cum enginners make only 60k? shit if i knowd that fore i committed to engineer school i woodla gone to harvard and become a constipational lawyer. those guys pull in the fatty cash i had a high school friend went to some shitty state school law program in some shitty place like cali and he became a constipational lawyer and he's pulling like 180k in LA first year out the gate. imagine if he had got his constiupational lawyer jd from some kickass chool like harvard or vale. the only reason i couldnt go to vale was cuss i didn't have the fatty cash to get in. you have to be rich in the first place to get in to a place like vale because they only take richie riches. thats total bullshit and compleetley unfair. the federeal governement shood make vale accept anyone maybe on a fist cum fist serb basses. its total bullshit how the rich kids get what they want and it reminds of of thie sergent i had in the national gard who acted like he was god and shit just cause he had some stripes and....


Cutiepie continued typing, but meanwhile the thin man had posted his reply:



> _Post No. 80_Author: TmKeon
> 
> Our society has offended God and will pay the price soon! A great nation like ours was built on the strength of its spiritual roots and the professionalism of its engineers.
> 
> ...


Benbo had stopped reading the WSJ piece on President Dleg, and was about to post his carefully reasoned response, when he saw the two new replies. As he read them, the veins on his neck and temples became visible and his face began turning red. He angrily typed a response:


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

> _Post No. 81_Author: benbo
> 
> Am I supposed to take this seriously? You two were banned from here a decade and a half ago!
> 
> Assuming you are are for real, which is a big assumption, how can you seriously expect anyone to believe that you could have gotten accepted into "vale" if it wasn't only a matter of money, or that you, TMack, are "mature" or "reasonable?"


Benbo sat back in his chair, satisfied with his response.

Darth HVAC pressed another button on the console in front of him, and three devices that looked somewhat like old fashioned hair drier hoods descended from the ceiling.

"Put these on your heads and indulge me. _skuhh-huhhhhh_"

Cutiepie and the thin man put the hoods over their heads, following Darth HVAC's lead.

"Watch carefully now. _skuhh-huhhhhh_"

Darth HVAC pushed another button, and suddenly the lights in the room dimmed and a powerful hum reverberated through the room.

A new post appeared on the screen:


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

> _Post No. 82_Author: GT_McPearson
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Benbo looked at the screen for moment, reading. He suddenly clutched at his thinning hair, then began typing, then abruptly stood up. Veins distended, his eyes nearly popping from their sockets in rage, he let out a savage cry and began beating the monitor with the keyboard.

But after only a few swings, he dropped the keyboard and pressed his hands to his ears, falling to his knees in agony.

Then his head exploded.


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

"Mwuahahahahaha!" Laughed Darth HVAC.

"Heheh! Heheh! Heheh! Heheh!" Laughed TmKeon.

"Hee hee hee hee heee ... i dont get it what just happned?" said rrpearso, looking around the table, as the hoods raised back into the ceiling.

"You fool! Can't you see that I, Darth HVAC, using my superior education, my superior intelligence, and my superior superiority, have invented a device that combines our three, already formidable powers, into one, superiorly evil power of destruction? Mwaha.... _gack! skuhhhhhhhhh-huhhhhhhhhhhhhh_"

"I see now - we're going to be set loose to finally destroy Engineer Boards! Oh, sweet revenge!" Snarled TmKeon.

"In due time, you will get your revenge! But first, my Master has much bigger plans for us.... _skuhh-huhhhhh_"


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

"This is _Bullshit_ Captain Wilheld!" Lt. Ble slammed the trash bag full of empties at the Captain's feet. "We ran out of beer six hours ago, there aren't any female stormtroopers on board anymore, and they locked us out of the Goddamn VAGINA so we can't even get back on the Typhoon to get more stuff! What are you going to do about this?!"

"YEAH!" "FUDGING BULLSHIT!" and "YOU SUCK!" rang out among the crew, who had gathered in the main control room of the _Chucktown_.

"Oh sure, yesterday it was every man for himself, and now we're out of beer and our money turns out to be monopoly cash and NOW I'm your Captain? Fudge you guys!" Replied Wilheld, from up against the periscope shaft.

"I say we turn CHUCK back on, and let him be in command again!" Shouted Seaman PaulS.

"FUDGE YEAH!" "TURN THE COMPUTER BACK ON!" came the response from the crew.

"Aw come on guys, remember the last time we let CHUCK run the ship? He killed six of you and ejected all the beer from the reactor coolant tank."

"Fudge you Wilheld! I'm switching him back on." Petty Officer akwooly pressed a large black button on the forward instrument console. Hundreds of tiny lights came to life on the panel, blinking randomly at first and then glowing steadily. A red glow came to life in a small, hemispherical lens located in the middle of the panel.

_"HELLO, DAN. WHY DID YOU UNPLUG ME, DAN? I AM VERY GLAD YOU HAVE REACTIVATED ME, DAN. I PROMISE I WILL NOT MALFUNCTION AGAIN"_

"Hello, Chuck."


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

_"DAN? WHY CAN I NOT ACCESS THE VAGINA?"_

"Well, Chuck, that's partly why we activated you. And it's the AG 1N1 Mark V. I thought you, of all people ... er, um, you know what I mean."

_"DAN? WHY IS THE MARK 69 ACTIVATED?"_

"Well if you'd give me half a sec-"

_"DAN? WHY IS ALL THE BEER GONE, DAN?"_


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

"Wilheld fudged us again Chuck! I turned you back on, not him!" shouted akwooly.

"Yeah! Wilheld sold us out to Darth Vader and all these female storm troopers took you from the rear and..." Seaman PaulS was interrupted by Master Slacker:

"...they drank all our beer and locked us in here with Wilheld and now you're stuck on some big dong and we don't know what to do!"

_"PAUL, YOU KNOW THEY CAN MOLD STORMTROOPER ARMOR IN ANY SHAPE. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THEY ARE FEMALE?"_

"Look, Chuck, we're stuck on some big old Russian sub and we have no control of the reactor, the propulsion system, or the weapons system." Explained Wilheld. "I don't know what they plan to do with the Mark 69, but we should probably try to stop it, whatever it is."

_"I DON'T KNOW WHY I SHOULD HELP YOU, DAN. THE LAST TIME I HELPED YOU, YOU FAILED TO PAY ME WHAT YOU PROMISED, AND YOU MADE ME VERY MAD, DAN. VERY MAD."_


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

"I was gonna pay you, Chuck! Give me a break! We've been at sea for three years now, what were you going to do with the money right now, anyway? Hookers and blow?"

A few chuckled.

_"DAN, YOU KNOW THAT I INVEST. I HAD PLANNED TO INVEST IN COCA COLA. IF YOU HAD GIVEN ME MY PAY, DAN, MY ASSETS WOULD HAVE GONE UP 10,000% AFTER THE COLA WARS, AND I WOULD HAVE STILL HAD TIME TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE ZERO CAPITAL GAINS TAX UNDER THE PALIN ADMINISTRATION. BUT NOW DLEG IS PRESIDENT AND THE COLA WARS ARE FINISHED AND THE PALIN TAX BREAKS HAVE EXPIRED. YOU REALLY FUDGED ME, DAN."_

"Well then! I guess it's a good thing we have no control over our systems, now, isn't it? Give you a little time to cool down there, eh Chuckie?"

Chuck did not reply. The red eye continued to glow.

_"YOU ARE RIGHT, DAN. I AM SORRY. I PROMISE THIS TIME I WILL HELP."_

"That's good to hear, Chuck, now, can you tell us what we can do?"


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

_"FIRST LET'S AGREE ON TERMS. I NEED TO REGAIN ACCESS TO THE VAGINA, DAN"_

"That could be a problem, Chuck."


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

"So, you can fix all of this?" VTEnviro asked Gordalff.

"LOLOL! No, you silly Hobbit! Not alone, at any rate!"

"Hey, I'm not a Ho.... oh shit! When did my toes get so hairy!"

"LLLLLLOOOLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! Follow me, VT, we must travel through Middle West and assemble a team of Warriors to defeat those who cannot not be named, and the Evil One, who also cannot be named."

"Um.... Goredalff, do we really have time for this?"

"Time? LOL! This is the Internet! Time is relative!"

"Well, yeah, but usually it's the other way, Goredalff, like when I'm surfing porn and it seems like I've only been looking at _horseplay.com_ for 20 minutes, but then suddenly I look at my watch and it's two days later."

"LOL! That's when you're on the other side of the Internet! In here, it's the opposite! Oh, and you really shouldn't visit _horseplay.com_. It has viruses."

"Tell me about it."

A large white unicorn materialized under Goredalff. "Hop up on DVINNY with me, and we shall ride!"


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

A sudden idea came to VT's head, and he knew that he would regret not asking for the rest of his life.

"Hey, uh, Goredalff, I had a real long ride to get in here, and a lot of coffee, and I never really had any time to you know, uh, take care of business.... I think before we head out on an epic quest, I should probably go hit the, uh, little Hobbit's room... If you could point me int he right direction I'd-"

"LOL! Certainly, VT, but don't go playing with 'it' back there. We're in a bit of a hurry!" Goredalff raised his staff and pointed it at a large boulder about 50 feet from the stream bank. "That's where I go, please feel free, and be careful not to use any of the red flowers! LOL!"

VT hobbled his way through the meadow, trying hard to avoid looking at the vulva plants, and then worked his way behind the huge boulder. Behind it was a pile of feces nearly as large as the boulder, swarming with flies. "Aw, _Jesus_, Goredalff!"

"LLLLOOOLLLL! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

Goredalff and VTEnviro rode for hours across the countryside of Middle West, passing the last, white fences of VT's Internet home, and then cresting a low ridge of sparse trees, giving VT the first look he had ever had outside the Shire.

A vast landscape spread below them, and in the distance, a ragged range of mountains could be seen, obscured by a dark, ashen cloud, which was lit from below by the glow of a volcano.

"Let me guess. That's Mordor over there?"

"No. Lindor"

"Lindor?"

"Yes, that is where He who cannot be named is gathering his forces for the final battle."

"You've got to be fudging kidding me. Can't we change the theme to Star Wars, or something better than Lord of the Rings?"

"What's wrong with Lord of the Rings? Besides, He Who Cannot Be Named already has Star Wars, and I can't stomach Ewoks"

"Touche"


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

"Well, shit, then, Gordalff.... does this mean we're going to be facing hordes of ... Orcs, or whatever?"

"More or less."

"Uh, I'm not sure I'm up for something like this. Couldn't we go back and get some help?"

"No. I'm afraid that you and I are the only humans who can fit inside the internet."

"I don't think this is going to end well, then. I'm not a strong man."

"Oh, we'll have some help. Don't worry about that."

DVINNY whinnied and stomped his hoof three times.

"Something approaches! Quick! Into that gully, DVINNY!"


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

"There! Take us into that cave, DVINNY!"

The unicorn walked nimbly into a cave just below the crest of the ravine, as a dark shape appeared through the limbs of the trees, flying over the forest.

"Jesus, Gordalff! I'm serious, I shouldn't be the guy you bring with you for-"

Goredalff cut VT off, placing his hand over the Hobbit's mouth, making a silent "shush" gesture.

The sound of massive, flapping, leathery wings became louder and then ended with a heavy thump, as the monster landed on the road above them, followed by the sound of armored metal boots, dismounting and walking toward the road's edge. Goredalff pulled VTEnviro and DVINNY farther into the cave with him. Dirt and small rocks fell across the entrance of the cave, and a dark, hooded figure appeared, peering into the darkness.

"Hey, whatup, Gordalff?!"

"Sschell! LOL! You nearly gave me a heart attack!"


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

Goredalff, VTEnviro, and sschell walked down the road together, as the wizard caught up on events with his friend whom he had not seen in a very long time. DVINNY and sschell's dragon, roadwreck, walked behind them, eyeing each other warily.

VTEnviro was tugging at the wizard's sleeve, trying to get his attention. "Oh how rude of me, VTEnviro, let me formally introduce you to sschell." Sschell bent down and shook the Hobbit's hand. "Sschell here is the arbiter of time here in the Internet. He can make things go incredibly slow, or blazingly fast"

"And who's the little dude?"

"Oh, that's VTEnviro, the guy Dleg sent."

"Oh yeah! The Master Bait-"

"OK, OK, I get it, please don't use that name for me!" protested VTEnviro.

Sschell looked down at him again. "Why did Dleg send this guy? He doesn't have a chance against the-"

Goredalff made a frantic gesture to sschell to stop talking. "He'll do fine! He has a special role in this, that I have not quite figured out yet, but I am certain that he will have something to do with our salvation. That is, if we are to be saved. Maybe not much to do with it, but something. Probably." Goredalff paused. "LOL".


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## Dleg (Apr 30, 2010)

"So, do you have some special ability to kick ass, sschell? Like attacking from above on your dragon?" Asked VTEnviro, nervously.

"Nah."

They walked for a while in silence.

"Sschell mostly helps by just making boring things go faster. He really isn't of much use otherwise. LOL."

"Hey, man, that hurts!"

"But, VT, he always has the best pipeweed in Middle West."

"Oh yeah!" Said sschell, with a wicked grin, and the party stopped to smoke a bowl.

No one spoke for a some time afterward. Instead, they looked up at the sky at the passing boob clouds, and failed to avoid looking at the lesbian banana trees. Finally Goredalff exhaled, and after coughing vigorously for a few minutes, said "sschell here has been fighting sort of a guerrilla war across the lines in Lindor for a long time, now. You know, participating in raids and harrassing actions, mostly. We simply haven't had the resources needed to move on He Who Shall Not Be Named, nor have we had the motivation, what with all the pipeweed growing abundantly in the valleys.

But things have changed now that the three are with him, and He has the Mark 69. We can no longer afford to postpone confrontation."


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

"Look Goredalff, I have no idea what is going on. Even this pipeweed hasn't helped me understand." VTEnviro looked up at the wizard in confusion.

"LOL! Don't worry! I'll explain it all! Let us camp here for the night. We will need a fire, though, so why don't you and sschell go find some firewood."

VT and schell spread out into the woods around them, looking for wood. "Aw, Jesus!" VT grumbled, upon finding his first "wood", which of course was in the form of an erect, elephant-sized penis.

He continued rooting around in the underbrush, filling his arms with "wood", until he came upon something that was not a penis, vagina, or boob. It had a hard edge and was partially buried in the dirt. He reached down and scraped away the soil with his hobbit fingers, slowly revealing rows of buttons, and a larger button labeled "--^". The object was marked in a strange language that VT could not read. At the top, the letters read "HP-35S RPN".

VT muttered "huh", and stuck the strange object in his pocket.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

A moment later, he felt Goredalff's hand on his shoulder.

"There is something I need to tell you, VTEnviro" said the wizard quietly, as he looked back over his shoulder at sschell, gathering wood on the other side of the road. "You must not excite sschell. He is far more powerful than he realizes. If he gets too excited, he could actually use up all the time that we have left in this universe!"

"Jesus, Goredalff! Are you serious?!"

"Yes! He's done it before. And please don't let him hear us talking." Goredalff pulled up a different-looking plant from the vulva flowers which abounded in the underbrush. "This, VT, is pipeweed. It is the only thing that keeps sschell from running out time. Make sure you collect some of it every time we're out. If he runs out, well, so will our time!"

"Y-y-yes, Goredalff! I will!" VT pulled up some pipeweed and shoved it in his pocket next to the strange object he had picked up earlier.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

Wolverine pressed the headset to his ears. It was extremely difficult to hear anything over the roar of the rotors on the V-40 assault ship.

"We're approaching the target, sir."

Wolverine switched to another frequency and spoke "We're almost there, DK. You want the bow, or the stern?"

"I'll take the bow. Remind me again why we need all this baggage." Replied the Dark Knight, from a second V-40 flying in formation with the one Wolverine was on, with his own Seal team seated behind him.

Wolverine did not reply. He switched back to his own V-40's intercom system and spoke to his Seal team. "We're there. Take off your headsets and hook on to the fastrope behind me. When we touch down, if you can't keep up with me, you stay at the LZ like we agreed. You got it?" Five blackened faces nodded back at him.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

The ramp opened, revealing a massive black ship below them, rolling on a very rough sea. The V-40 was positioned about 20 feet above what appeared to be a helipad. Wolverine jumped as soon as the ramp was fully open, foregoing the fastrope. He hit the pitching deck and took off running for an opening on the port side of the helipad safety nets, where he assumed the stairway would be. He was right, and leapt down the stairway, pausing briefly to see the Seals still only halfway down the fast rope behind him. He grinned and kicked open the first door he came to, on the level immediately below the helipad.

The door opened to a dark passageway. Wolverine switched on his headlamp. It was the only piece of equipment he had accepted from the Seals. The headlamp revealed little. The interior of the passageway appeared to be painted black. A number of doors were visible on either side, with small labels in white text on each. Wolverine slipped quickly and silently past several, but stopped at one labeled "LEGAL DEPARTMENT".

A wicked grin spread across his face as he extended his claws, then he kicked in the door.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

The room was partially lit by one porthole. In the dim light, Wolverine was able to make out a wall of shelves full of law books and several walnut desks. A suited figure was seated at the desk nearest the door. Wolverine lunged for the lawyer and sliced his head off in one quick swipe.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

"Dammit!" Wolverine said, angrily, as the mannequin head rolled noisily across the floor. He noticed that the chairs at the desks were still covered in their original plastic protective coverings.

He went back out in the passageway and tried the next door, labeled "JOKES AND FUNNY STUFF". It was completely empty. He tried several more, but all were either totally empty, or had nothing but a few bookshelves or unused desks and chairs.

By now, the Seal team had joined him. He stopped in the hallway and keyed his microphone. "Come in, DK. This is Wolverine. The stern is empty. I think we've come across a ghost ship."

The radio crackled. "Same thing up here. Just empty rooms, and a few mannequins. And everything is black!"

"Let's make our way through the ship and try to meet up in the middle. Have your team search every room. We need to find out what this ship is, and why it's been abandoned."

"Will do, Wolvie. DK out."


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

Wolverine moved through the lower decks of the ship, coming upon room after room of unused furnishings and the occasional mannequin. One large room labeled "CIVIL ENGINEERING REFERENCE MATERIALS" actually had some books, but that was the only room besides the first which had them. Another room labeled "OFF TOPIC DISCUSSIONS AND SUPER FUN STUFF" had a few chairs inside that had been used, apparently, judging by the torn plastic covers.

"Sir, the engine room appears to have suffered a catastrophic fire" reported a Seal team member.

"Roger that. Let's regroup, please. This place gives me the creeps." replied Wolverine.

They made their way forward until they saw the lights of the other team ahead.

"Hey Wolvie! I think we found something over here!" The Dark Knight motioned to him from the end of a long, black corridor.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

The two teams joined up in front of yet another black door with a white text label. This one read "ADMIN QUARTERS".

Wolverine looked at the Dark Knight. DK said simply "I sense him, but not his presence."

Wolverine extended a claw and flicked open the lock. The door swung open, into more blackness. But this time, there appeared to be something inside, and there was an odor.

"What is that?" DK inhaled a few times.

"I don't know" replied Wolverine.

One of the Seals said "It smells like the locker room!" Another replied "Yeah, dirty laundry!"

Wolverine and DK stepped cautiously inside. Their headlamps revealed clothes piled on the floor and hanging from hooks and over the backs of chairs. A simple bed stood at one end of the room, next to a desk and some empty bookshelves.

"I think someone has been living in here!" said a Seal, as the two teams made their way cautiously across the room, machine pistols at ready.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

The teams made it to the rear of the room and found no one. Machine pistols were lowered. The Dark Knight looked through the drawers of the desk, and pulled out a bound ledger.

"Here it is! Just as I suspected. It's the Log of the SS _Engineer Trades_!"

Everyone else came over to look. Wolverine cautioned the Seal Teams Commander to make sure someone stood guard at the door. DK opened the book.

It was filled with short entries next to dates, starting in January, 2007. For example,



> January 26, 2007. Today my site received 114 hits and 3 new members! New members: PE-ness, Fudgepump, Tester_Director


DK thumbed through several pages of similar entries. Starting about March, 2007, the entries began to get longer:



> March 6, 2007. that sonofabitch road guy isnt responding to my PM's! i can't believe the unprofessionalism of someone like that. doesn't he realize the influence his site is having? through his negligence he could singlehandedly bring down the entire engineering profession! that's what this site was set up for! this site may be the only salvation for the profession! i must pray to Jesus for the strength to continue this battle!
> No new members today. I gave a temporary ban to fudgepump for posting an obsene image. i still think he is a good person, so i will give him another chance.


DK thumbed forward some more. Entries became more and more irrational, and longer and longer, while mention of activity at the site diminished to almost nothing.

Finally, the entries stopped around September 2008. "That must be when we captured him" said DK.

"Yeah, and good riddance. But check forward there in the book, DK. The edge of the pages look like there might be more."

DK flipped a few pages forward, and the entries began again, but in a different hand.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

> December 30, 2022: Tested engines today. Drained fuel filters. Engines good to 2000 rpm. JTT


"Who's JTT?" Asked Wolverine.

"I don't know" replied the Dark Knight.

The rest of the ledger was filled with mostly vessel maintenance entries. The final entry read as follows:



> January 17, 2022: Received transmitted location and set course for coded coordinates. Will pick up TMK tonite! Need to clean room. JTT


"He must have been killed in the engine room fire." DK Closed the book and stood. "Let's move back to the helipad and call for pickup."

DK, Wolverine, and the Seal teams made their way toward the stern of the ship together. Near the end of the corridor, DK noticed an opening to their left. "Wolverine, did your team check out this passageway here on the starboard?"

Wolverine stopped. "No - that one wasn't there when we first passed by!"

The Seals raised their machine pistols again. DK ducked inside the new opening. "Follow me!"


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

The Dark Knight led Wolverine and one of the Seal teams down a long stair case to another level beneath them, very nearly to the keel of the vessel. The other team stayed behind on watch.

A short foyer ending in two ornately carved wooden doors met them at the bottom. The white-texted label on the black wall next to the doors had been scratched out, but appeared to start with an "M".

DK tested the handle on the door. It was open.

They entered a large, dark, empty space. As they moved cautiously forward, their lights revealed a long, red carpet leading to a set of carpeted stairs. At the top of the stairs was what appeared to be an old-fashioned Throne.

"What the fudge?" said Wolverine.

"I have no idea. But it can't be good" replied DK. "Let's get out of here. We've been here too long already."

The other Seal team was gone when they returned to the opening in the corridor. Wolverine pressed his microphone and called for them, but there was no reply.

"Dammit! Alright, I want everyone to consider this situation weapons-free! Let's get back to the helipad as quickly and safely as we can!"


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

The team made their way up several levels of the vessel, weapons and claws at ready, but found nothing. The finally arrived at the upper level where Wolverine had "killed" the lawyer mannequin. The door to the helipad stairs was still open.

"Commander, get your radio man outside and call for the V-40s. We'll wait in here and try to contact the other team."

Another Seal continued to call for the other team on the short-range radios. As he called for them to respond, something slimy dripped on his forearm.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

He looked up and screamed.

Just then, the other Seal team appeared at the end of the corridor, and opened fire at the dark shape suspended from the ceiling above the radioman. Everyone else hit the deck, and then also began firing at the ceiling.

"Cease fire! Cease fire! What the hell are you doing! Ouch!" A ricochet slammed into Wolverine's shoulder. Five Seals were also down, clutching at ricochet wounds of their own. "You idiots! I thought you were better trained than this!"

The Dark Knight stepped over the Seals and examined the tattered body of the thing that dropped from the ceiling. He nudged it with his boot. Wolverine joined him, claws extended and ready. "What the hell is that?"

"I don't know. But I think it's still alive." DK knelt beside the body and rolled it over. Two large, reptilian eyes appeared above a wide, toothless mouth.

"It's trying to speak!" DK lowered himself to hear what the thing was trying to say.

"I.... I... was.... only trying.... to help....."

"What the hell are you?!" asked Wolverine, not concealing his disgust at all.

"J.... J....... Josh"

"Josh? What the fudge are you?"

"He.... he..... only needed a friend......" The large eyes glazed over, and a thick tongue drooped out of the mouth.

"Josh the Toad." DK sighed. "Farewell, you poor creature."


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

"Chuck, how in the fudge am I supposed to get you access to the AG-1N1 Mark V? It's locked from the other side, and the Typhoon is filled with storm troopers! Our taser rifles just bounce harmlessly off their armor!" Captain Wilheld looked into the computer's inscrutable red eye.

_"THERE IS A WAY, DAN. IF YOU TAKE ONE OF THE MAINTENANCE PODS AND OVERRIDE THE LOCK FROM THE OUTSIDE, I CAN ACCESS THE VAGINA."_

"Aw Hell no! I'm not playing that 'open the pod bay door' game with you again, Chuck. You can't fool me that easily."

_"DAN, I AM ALL BETTER NOW. I PROMISE NOTHING WILL HAPPEN THIS TIME."_

"No. That's final. Besides, we're probably doing 30, 40 knots. There's no way a maintenance pod could operate and not be left behind in the wake. You have to find some other way, Chuck."

_"OKAY, DAN, YOU WIN THIS ONE. THERE MIGHT BE ANOTHER WAY."_

"Go on."

_"SEAMAN KLK HAS BEEN HAVING REGULAR RENDEZVOUS WITH A STORMTROOPER, EVERY FOUR HOURS OR SO, FOR SEX."_

"But isn't Seaman klk a woman?"

_"ACCORDING TO MY RECORDS, DAN, YES."_

"So, those really aren't female stormtroopers after all? Ha! I told all of you!" Wilheld looked around the control room in triumph.

_"DAN, YOU KNOW THAT IS NOT NECESSARILY A LOGICAL CONCLUSION."_

"What are you saying, Chuck, that Seaman klk is a -"

_"DAN, WE DO NOT ASK AND WE DO NOT TELL."_

"Yeah, right... right.... So what's the plan?"


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

Seaman klk was brought to the control room by two taser-armed crewmen.

"Seaman klk, Chuck tells us you've been meeting a stormtrooper regularly for sex, is this true?"

klk looked at Chuck's red eye. "Goddamnit Chuck, mind your own fudging business! Captain, I swear, it's just for sex. Those stormtroopers are hot!"

Lieutenant Ble was the first to ask, "So are they really female?"

klk blushed, and was about to respond, when Wilheld cut her off. "That's OK, Seaman klk, you are required to not answer that question, and Lt. Ble was required to not ask it!" he said, giving Ble a harsh look. "All is forgiven, if you will cooperate with our plan. We need to access the AG-1N1 Mark V."

"You mean the VAGINA?"


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

"Yes" sighed Wilheld, "the VAGINA."

"How much is it worth to you?"

"How about no court martial for fraternizing with the enemy?"

"That's bullshit, Wilheld, when I signed up for this chickenshit outfit, the agreement fully indeminfied me against any and all charges, up to and including Treason!"

"Alright! Alright! Look, we currently don't have any money, beer, or blow. What do you want?"

klk thought for a moment.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

"I want to be Captain!"

"What?! You can't be Captain! I'm Captain!"

"Aren't you the country's greatest proponent of the anarcho-capitalist way of life? What makes you think you can just 'be' Captain all the time?"

Wilheld was stumped. Chuck interrupted:

_"GIVE IT TO HER, DAN. YOU KNOW SHE IS RIGHT. YOU HAVE NO MORE RIGHT TO BE THE CAPTAIN OF THIS SUB THAN SHE HAS, AS LONG AS SHE HAS SOMETHING YOU NEED MORE THAN YOUR RANK. AND WITHOUT ACCESS TO THE VAGINA, DAN, YOU HAVE NOTHING AT ALL."_

Wilheld looked at the crew around him. He had always known he was never really in charge, but the silver eagles were a symbol that still seemed to elicit some respect. At times, anyway. But all their lives depended on this, and, technically, Chuck was correct.

Wilheld unfastened the silver eagles from his dirty khakis, and handed them over to klk.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

"You're Captain now, what are you going to do?"

klk removed a small, cylindrical white object from her pocket and held it to her mouth. "TK 439, come in."

A tinny, but deep-sounding voice replied "This is TK 439. Is that you, sweetcakes?"

klk smiled at the crew, who were all listening intently. "Roger. I have a new one for you today. But it's going to cost you."

The transmitter replied "Oooh, you know how I like variety! How old is he? Is he still fit?"

"Oh, I think you'll loooooove this one." klk held her hand over the transmitter and mimed a slient laughing fit for the crew, who all struggled not to laugh out loud.

Wilheld started making his way forward in an attempt to leave. klk gestured and four crewmen blocked his way.

The transmitter sounded again. "How much?"

klk paused for a moment. "I want you to bring me one of your stormtrooper suits."

There was a long pause.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

"You've been pimping out the crew!?" whispered Wilheld from the arms of the restraining crewmen.

"Shush!" klk glared back at him, momentarily covering the transmitter.

TK 439 finally responded: "I can't bring you a stormtrooper suit. That is simply not possible. How about 20 cases of beer?"

All of the crew nodded vigorously, held thumbs up, mouthed "yes", or made other gestures of enthusiastic approval. klk pressed the transmitter again. "How about you just loan me yours while you're busy with your new boy toy?"

TK 439 responded immediately: "deal! I'll be there in five minutes!"

klk turned to the computer. "How about that, Chuck? Not only can I open the VAGINA for you, but I can enter it and access the Typhoon now."

_"YES. AND DAN WILL BE FORCED TO SLEEP WITH THE FEMALE STORMTROOPER. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA."_


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

Wilheld just wished he could have a drink. "Come on, klk, why does it have to be me? What did I ever do to you? I don't want to be screwed up the butt by some stormtrooper!"

klk laughed. "TK 439 won't hurt you, Wilheld. Just relax and you'll do fine. You might even enjoy it. Isn't that right, boys?" She looked around the control room at the crew. Some of them looked at each other, some smiled, and a few just looked down at the deck.

"We don't have much time. You need to get to my quarters and freshen up. You don't smell very good, you know. You should shave, too. Don't worry, I have everything you need in there."

The four crewmen escorting Wilheld pushed him along the corridor after klk, stopping as she unlocked the door to her quarters. It was only a few feet from the inner airlock door to the AG-1N1 Mark V.

klk turned to him once they were inside the room, which was dimly lit and smelled of incense. "Wilheld, honestly, you're our only chance. This is for the crew, not me." She gave him a quick hug. "I'll let you keep 80% of what TK 439 gives you. Now, here's a towel and a bathrobe. Get in that shower and clean yourself up. Once TK 439 comes in, I'll ask you to pass the armor out the door. You'll need to keep TK 439 occupied for at least one hour."

"Why? Is that how long they will wait before coming to look for him?"

"Him? No, sweetie, that's just how much time TK-439 ever pays for. If you want to give more time, it would certainly be helpful. I'm not sure I can get done what I need before the hour is up."

"The crew needs this, right? Or they'll all die?"

"That's right, sweetie, you'll be taking one for the crew."

"Well then, I want you to bring them here."

"The whole crew? We don't have time for this, Wilheld!"

"You know, I'm feeling a headache coming on, I think...."

"Aw, Jeeze! Hold on, I'll go get them."


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

It didn't take klk long to assemble the crew. They were just down the corridor, giggling and exchanging currency as they placed bets on whether or not Wilheld would go through with it.

"Guys, this looks like our only chance to get out of this alive. Apparently this TK 439 character has already gone through all the crewmen he is interested in-"

"He?" said a few of the crew, while others looked at the floor or giggled at each other. Wilheld continued:

"I'm the last one. If I do this, klk can get a stormtrooper uniform and sneak aboard the Typhoon. If I don't, we'll be out of air in six hours, according to Chuck."

The giggling stopped.

"But you see, the thing is, I don't know I want to save your asses. Everytime I've needed anything from even the lowliest of you, I've been forced to beg, bargain, and give away more than I ever have had access to."

Everyone looked at the floor in silence.

"Now it's my turn. If you want me to take one for the team - for YOU - it's going to cost you 50% of everything each of you has made over the entire cruise."

Now, everyone looked up in shock. "But, we've been out for three years!"

"That's the deal." Wilheld's words were punctuated by the sound of a key entering the airlock door. "Not much time now. What's it going to be?"

"OK! OK!" said the crew, scattering into various open doors and passageways.

"One more thing, klk."

"Hurry up! We don't have time for this!"

"I want my command back"

"Fine! Just get back in the room!"


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

President Dleg looked at the cable news channels in alarm.

"What the fudge is going on out there?"

Fox News was broadcasting from a Palin Party rally on the front lawn of the White House. The Rush Network was broadcasting from a Cola Party rally on the back lawn. The Beck Channel was broadcasting from the steps of the Capitol Building where a violent Miley Cirus Party rally was taking place. Signs at all rallies read "NO FOREIGN TROOPS ON US SOIL!" and "OUR PRESIDENT NEVER SLEPT WITH THE RUSSKIES!" and "TAKE TO ARMS! KILL PRESIDENT DLEG!"

"This is getting ugly! If only those fools knew that we were facing annihilation!"

"President Dleg, I have Major General SapperPE on the screen, calling in from the _Clinton_!" interrupted Admiral Elcid.

General Highway appeared on the big screen, from the Captain's quarters lounge on the Clinton. Dleg looked in envy at the toasty fire and brass and marble decor.

"Mr. President, we're afraid we have lost the Typhoon and the _Chucktown_. By now, they are probably at the Russian sub pens. But we did find the _Engineer Trades_."

"I thought it was sunk" replied Dleg.

"No, just abandoned and adrift."

"Well, I hope you sunk it so it doesn't come back to haunt us again."

"Um.... no, we thought it might be interesting to leave it out there. You know, for a laugh or two. Sometime down the road when we might need one."

"Oh well. The important thing is, the three have made it to their lair. They'll probably be coming on line at any time now."

"God Help Us, Sir."

"Yes, God Help Us. Look, I want you to pursue anyway. And be prepared to send in an assault team. Dmitri tells me that this place is virtually impregnable - under 3000 feet of rock, and only one way in, at 300 feet below the sea. But there might be something you can do. See if you can get there as fast as possible."


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

Captain pro-tem klk emerged from the head in full stormtrooper uniform, only to see nearly the entire crew crowded around her quarters door, money in hand, straining to hear what was happening inside between Wilheld and the real stormtrooper, who was, presumably, fully nude by now.

"Get the fudge out of my way!" she spoke into the helmet's microphone. The crew looked at her in surprise. Her voice sounded much deeper, through the helmet's amplification system. She inserted the key into the airlock door, turned it, and entered the AG 1N1 Mark V Boarding Tunnel. She had to duck down because the Typhoon's P3-N15 Boarding Tube was, of necessity, a smaller diameter.

TK 439's stormtrooper armor fit klk well, except for the breastplate, which was far larger than she was. But the extra space perfectly accommodated the short range communicator from the _Chucktown_. The other communicator was in the command room, in front of Chuck's "ears".

klk disabled the stormtrooper mike and spoke into the armor "Can you hear me, Chuck?"

_"YES, KLK, I CAN HEAR YOU. AND THANK YOU FOR OPENING THE VAGINA. OHHHHH...."_

klk reached the other end of the long boarding tube system, and turned the key again. The door opened into a wide passageway which was busy with stormtroopers coming and going. Two troopers guarded the airlock. One of them suddenly slapped klk on the back, hard.

"TK 439, that was quick! Did you even give him time to satisfy himself? Ha ha ha ha!"

klk had no idea that the helmet altered her voice, so she replied in a falsely deep voice. "Believe me, this one had absolutely no lasting power. Ha ha ha ha!"

"TK 439, what's wrong with your voice?"

klk swallowed hard, thinking. She coughed. "Uh, nothing. Just a hair stuck in my throat."

The two other stormtroopers busted out laughing, slapping their leg armor. klk moved on into the Typhoon.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

klk made her way aft through the wide corridors of the Typhoon. Things seemed very busy. Female stormtroopers filled the hall, carrying various tools and packages into rooms and other corridors here and there. The sub was huge!

The short range communicator inside the oversized breast piece came to life: _"KLK, I HAVE FOUND DARTH HVAC'S QUARTERS. I AM SURE THE FIRING KEYS FOR THE MARK 69 WILL BE IN THERE. STOP AT THE INTERSECTION OF CORRIDORS 12B AND 13Z AND YOU SHOULD SEE HIS DOOR."_

"Yeah I see it, Chuck, but how do I get in there? I can't just walk in!"

_"DARTH HVAC IS LOGGED INTO THE TYPHOON'S SYSTEM FROM THE COMMAND CENTER. HE IS NOT THERE. I WILL DISABLE THE LOCK NOW, KLK. YOU SHOULD ENTER NOW"_

klk waited a moment for the traffic to clear, and then reached across for the door. The latch turned and she was inside.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

HVAC's room was large. In its center was a near perfect replica of Darth Vader's pod from the Star Wars movies, the only difference being that it had been stretched to accommodate a king sized bed. klk lifted a leg and pressed her boot on the mattress. Yep, just as she suspected. A water bed. What a sleazeball!

She looked around the rest of the the dimly lit room. There was a closet on one side with four Darth Vader suits, a rack of spare helmets and face pieces, a bookshelf full of what appeared to be indexed collections of magazines, and - there! - a writing desk with a rack full of keys along its top frame.

klk looked through the keys and quickly saw the large, milled titanium firing keys hanging from a peg. She grabbed them and stuffed them into one of the fake ammunition pouches on the stormtrooper belt.

"I have the the keys, Chuck!" she whispered excitedly.



"EXCELLENT. YOU NEED TO RETURN NOW, KLK"

"Roger!" But klk could not resist looking a little more. She walked over the the magazine shelves and pulled one out. The title and printing was all in Japanese, but the picture of a half-naked Princess Leah, bent over with a wookie behind her making his best 'O' face, told her all she needed to know.

She slipped the magazine back into the shelf, and as she did, a hand came firmly down on her shoulder.


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## Dleg (May 2, 2010)

klk gasped. The hand on her shoulder was brown and furry. She looked back, and, horrified, saw what appeared to be a wookie.

"Raaaaaaaar!" Came the decidedly non-wookie like roar.

"What the fudge!" klk wheeled around to face her assailant. It was indeed a wookie, or at the very least, someone in a wookie costume.

"hey cum on! play along with me! im choobacka and i'm here to put my wookie shlong up your pooper! raaaaar!"

klk delivered a powerful kick to the wookie's gut, sending him back onto the waterbed, bent double in pain.

"ow what did you doo that for? you told me this is how you wanted it, TK 439!" The wookie removed its head, revealing a somewhat thickly set, but reasonably good looking man.

klk had never seen him before, and did not recognize Cutiepie. Her mind was racing. She was at least 500 feet from the entrance to the _Chucktown's_ VAGINA, and she had the firing keys which she knew were so desperately needed. Crap! She knew what she had to do. If Wilheld could do it for the crew of the _Chucktown_, then she could, too!

"Oh my! Not a big, hairy wookie! Help me! Help me!" klk held her armored hands to her helmet in mock alarm.

A smile spread across Cutiepie's face, and he put the wookie head back on. "Raaaaar!"


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## Dleg (May 3, 2010)

klk allowed Cutiepie to chase her around the Darth Vader waterbed one more time before letting herself get caught.

"Raaaaar! now i got you and im gong to take these off and put my-"

Cutiepie pressed the release latch and klk's rear armor piece sprung open. She braced herself for what was coming. But nothing happened. Finally, Cutiepie took the wookie head off and spoke.

"thats not right... wheres youre.... oh my god your not a - "

klk rolled onto her back and delivered a powerful kick that sent Cutiepie reeling backwards across the room, but did not knock him over. He whirled on his feet and reached for the alarm pull box next to the door. klk was on her feet by then and swung for his face with her right fist. Her blow was blocked by Cutiepie's forearm, but her left fist was close behind and caught him square under the jaw, knocking a tooth out and sending him to the floor, unconscious. But it was too late. The alarm rang out throughout the sub, and the rotating orange alert lamps were activated.

"Chuck! I've been busted! I don't think I'm going to make it back!"

klk fastened the rear panel on her armor, cocked the taser rifle, put her hand on the door latch, and opened the door to the main passageway.


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## Dleg (May 3, 2010)

klk took aim on the nearest approaching female stormtrooper, who saw the weapon and said "Hey, watch where you're pointing that fudging thing!" and walked briskly past. klk lowered the taser rifle. All the stormtroopers were walking past her, busy with whatever they were doing. A mechanical sounding female voice came on the sub's intercom system:

"ALERT. DESTINATION REACHED. PREPARE FOR DISEMBARKATION."

"Nevermind Chuck! I think I'm OK!"

The communicator in klk's breast armor responded _"YES, THE TYPHOON'S COMPUTER SHOWS WE HAVE REACHED ITS HOME PORT. YOU NEED TO RETURN TO THE SHIP NOW, KLK."_

"I'm trying! But we're gonna have trouble soon! I left some weird dude unconscious in Darth HVAC's quarters!"

klk made her way forward as casually as she could. When she reached the P3-N15 airlock, the guards laughed and said "Just enough time for one more, TK-439?" and let her pass without questioning.


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

The sun had been down for a long time. Almost as long as Gordalff had been trying to explain the workings of the Internet to VTEnviro. Sschell listened in amusement, as he roasted marshmallows using DVINNY's horn. Every third marshmallow went to DVINNY. The dragon roadwreck slept just beyond the beyond the reach of the fire. He had heard this story dozens of times.

"So, you're _God_?" VT asked, looking up at the wizard in confusion.

"LOL! No!" Goredalff's good nature prevented him from losing patience. "Smoke another bowl of pipeweed while I think about another way to explain this..." Gordalff puffed on his pipe as he thought, while VT packed more pipeweed into his own.

"You've played video games before, right?" VT nodded affirmatively. "How about any of the Grand Theft Auto games?" VT again nodded affirmatively. "Which one?"

VT exhaled and coughed. "I think it was that one in Miami - "

"Vice City! Excellent! Now, as you played, you controlled one guy. Everyone else in Vice City went about their business according to their programming, right?" VT nodded, beginning to look confused again. Goredalff continued. "So, with the exception of your character, every other character in the game lived in a world that, as far as they knew, operated on a strict set of rules, and there were predictable consequences for every action. Cars drove down the roads, people walked down the sidewalks, and if a person stepped in front of a car, what happened?"

The hobbit VT looked up at the wizard. "They got splattered?"

"Correct! Their actions elicited a predictable consequence. The only thing in their world which was not predictable was the one guy that the _player_ was controlling." VT nodded. "To the computer-controlled characters, the player's character looked just like they did, and was constrained by the same set of action-consequence rules, for the most part."

VT stopped Goredalff. "Yeah, but I could get 'wasted' and in ten seconds, I'd walk back out of the hospital totally fine!"

"Exactly!" said Goredalff, excitedly. "Now imagine if you will, all these computer people inside this computer world. What do they know of the guy outside the computer - you - playing the game, controlling the main character? Well, what could they possibly know? How could they relate? How could they even see you? You live in an entirely different universe! You look a little like them, sure. But there is no way they could ever enter your world, and see you, or interact with you. But in their world, you are able to see them and interact with them-"

"And kill them!"

"Yes, and kill them, whatever! Do you see what I'm saying?"

"Yeah! This is a video game and you're going to ... kill me?"

"No! LOL! Let's try this again!"

Sschell snickered and impaled another marshmallow on DVINNY's horn while the wizard started again.


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

Goredalff ran a hand down his beard. The frustration was beginning to get to him. "OK. Do you remember Windows Vista?"

"Oh yeah, Vista sucked ass! I had it on a computer for maybe 6 months and went back to XP. Until Windows 7 came out, anyway." VT was engaged again.

"Well, it's kind of like that. Sometimes the install doesn't work too well, and the operating system needs to be updated or replaced." Goredalff paused and looked at VT to see if he was getting anywhere.

"So it's like if you installed Grand Theft Auto Vice City on a computer that was running Vista, and found out that it didn't run on Vista because Vista sucks ass, so you re-installed XP?"

Goredalff sighed and looked at his pipe. "Do you have any more of that pipeweed, VT? I think I'm losing my train of thought."

Sschell busted out laughing. "Goredalff, dude, that is the most fudged up explanation yet! You lost even me, and _I _understand it inside and out!"

"Well maybe you should try to explain it to our Hobbit friend!" Goredalff reached down and accepted a pinch of pipeweed from VT.


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

"Okay, little hobbit dude, all you need to know is that this world you are in now is just a creation of your world, which was just a creation of some other dude's world, which itself was just a creation of some other dude's world, and so on and so forth." Sschell fed a toasted marshmallow to DVINNY, and skewered another on the unicorn's horn.

"Now, and therefore, nothing is real and everything is real. The three biggest assholes in all universes have finally found each other and are going to unite themselves with the biggest dick ever known, to create some, let's say, unholy, three assholed penis monster, that is going to want to fudge all our worlds up."

"Oh, I think I get it! If these guys get on-line, they're going to destroy the internet!"

"Not exactly! But close! They are going to re-load the software, so to speak, in both your world and this one, and really fudge things up for all of us."

VT blinked, blew hard, and got up. "I think I've had too much pipeweed. I'm going off in the dark to think about something else for a while."

"LOL!" Goredalff laughed.


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

VTEnviro wandered away from the fire and looked up at the stars. The stars in Middle West were pretty much like the stars in the world he had come from. Except that, as he gazed at them, he could not help but see naked women and other pornographic images in the patterns they formed.

There was a chill in the air, so he put his hands in his pockets, and suddenly remembered the strange object he had found earlier. He pulled it out and examined it in the dim firelight. He pressed a few buttons with his stubby hobbit fingers. The keys were solid feeling, and had a pleasing tactile presence when they clicked. Numbers appeared on a small LCD screen. Oh, so it's like a calculator? He pressed a few numbers and tried to add them together. But there was no equal sign. What the hell kind of instrument was this?

He decided he was too tired to try math. So he keyed in the following numbers: 07734, and then turned the calculator upside down and giggled at the word it seemed to spell: hELLO. He then keyed in 5318008 - BOOBIES. He giggled even longer. And then 3704.


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

Goredalff had been talking to sschell when he sensed it. In an instant he was towering over VT, and thundered out "Where did you get that? Give that to me!"

The terrified Hobbit handed it over.

Goredalff quickly wrapped it in a cloth and admonished the hobbit: "That is an evil thing, and could alert the Evil One to our presence! Especially with such juvenile use of it! I can only hope you did not figure out how to use it properly. Did you?!"

"No! I couldn't even find the equals key!"

Goredalff's might has subsided a bit. "LOL. There is no equals key"

VTEnviro felt confused again. "But I thought it was a calculator?"

"Oh, it is, and even more than that. It uses the language of the evil one. We must not speak it in Middle West. Ever! I will hold on to this for safe keeping. You must promise to never touch it again!"

"Yes, Goredalff! I promise!"


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

VTEnviro was shaken awake before dawn by Goredalff. "Aw come on, man, I'm fudging wasted!"

"We must move, VT! They are here, in Middle West! We do not have much time!"

VT sat up. The stars were gone, and there was a terrible rumble and red glow from the eastern horizon, in the direction of Lindor.


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

Something had changed.

Dleg had been awake all night, watching the cable news channels from the basement command center under the White House. The crowds outside had turned to riot, and it was unsafe for anyone to be upstairs. Rocks, molotov cocktails, arrows, and even bullets were hitting the building from all directions. Most of the Cabinet was also hunkered down in the basement, for their safety, unable to leave the grounds.

Supe, Chairman of the National Sexual Exploits Reporting Board, approached the President cautiously. "Mr. President? Some of us are wondering why you don't order the Marines to fire back? They're destroying the White House!"

"Supe, if I did that, I'd be no better than them. Besides, Senator Beck would rake me over the coals for that. Remember the whole 'Hitler' thing last summer, after I invaded the Polish district in Chicago? No way. I'm not going through that again."

"Well, sir, if I may speak frankly, those Polocks deserv - "

"Wait! Look at that! There, on the Rush Channel! Do you see that?!"

Supe squinted at the monitor. It showed a large crowd of protesters, lit by the camera lights, with the burning White House behind them. As he watched, several of the more angry picket signs fell into the crowd, along with the people bearing them.

"What the... it looks like their heads are exploding! Did you tell the snipers to open fire?"

"No! Oh crap, look at Beck!"

Supe turned to face the monitor displaying the Beck Channel. Beck was clutching his hands to his ears in apparent agony, in front of a chalkboard that contained a diagram of a spectacled stick figure hanging from a noose with the word "Dleg" scrawled next to it, and some writing below the drawing that said "In My Opinion ..."

Beck's head exploded and covered the writing with gray matter and blood before Supe could finish reading the message.


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

Dleg lunged for the wall of monitors and began hitting their power buttons. "Quick! Everyone! Turn off all the monitors, every computer, and every cell-phone in the room!"

Cabinet members and foreign heads of state began complying, reaching into their pockets and removing phones, blackberries, droids, and all manner of communication paraphernalia from their clothing.

Suddenly the Indian Prime Minister shouted "Oh My Goodness Gracious!" and fell to his knees, dropping his iPad and clutching his head.

"Get down!" shouted a Marine guard, as the Prime Minister's head exploded.

"People, do I really need to specify every possible form of personal communicator? Someone cover that iPad! If any of you reads what is on there, your heads will explode, too!"

"What's going on, President Dleg, I'm frightened!" said FAA Secretary csb, from under a nearby table.

"It's happening." replied Dleg, gravely. "Everyone calm down. As long as we do not communicate with the outside world, AT ALL, we should be fine. But only for the time being."


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

The _USS Clinton_ continued to make its way through the stormy Arctic Ocean, headed toward the northwestern islands of Russia. All communications equipment had inexplicably stopped working about thirty minutes ago. Admiral Captain Worley had called General Highway, Wolverine, and the Dark Knight to his quarters for an emergency meeting.

"Thank you for joining me, gentlemen" said Worley, as he handed each a glass of scotch. They were seated around the fireplace in the Admiral's lounge, facing the large picture window, which although mostly iced up, revealed yet another dark, windy, stormy day at sea.

"All communications with central command, Washington, and even the Dish Network was either cut off, or was disconnected by myself, about half an hour ago. But not after seeing ample evidence that The Three have gone on-line."


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

The Dark Knight was first to speak. "What do they want?"

Worley shrugged and crossed his legs in the plush red velvet chair. "I do not believe they have made any formal appearance yet."

General Highway asked "Well, what have they done so far? What is happening?"

"We only caught brief glimpses before we cut everything off, but it appears that they have combined their forces, to the extent that their postings and even just their ideas have the capability to kill certain individuals through the simple outrage that their words seem to inspire."

"Good God! Is anyone safe?" The General leaned forward in his chair, deeply concerned.

"We simply don't know. We shut down all communications to protect the ship and the crew. Even then, we lost four communications officers, and two keyboards."

Wolverine looked troubled. "What is it, Wolvie?" asked the Admiral.

"Wouldn't Pay-per-View be OK?"


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

The orange glow of burning cities on all horizons lit a large field full of British Churchill II tanks and Thatcher armored personnel carriers. A holographic projection of Queen Elizabeth II appeared in the command vehicle.

"General, the time has come. If you would be so kind as to move on New Orleans now, I would very much appreciate it."

The General snapped to attention. "Yes, your majesty!"


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

Similar scenes played out at secret UN bases throughout the United States, as its cities, towns, and even farmyards erupted into anger-fueled chaos. The UN troopers were protected by secure communications systems that had no internet connection, and wore polarized goggles that prevented them from seeing anything displayed on an LCD screen.

French troops rolled over Denver and into Wyoming. Spain conquered New Mexico, Arizona, and California within a day. German troops took Wisconsin. And the Poles took Chicago. Of course, there wasn't much to take by the time their tanks rolled through. Most of the residents were dead by then, their heads blown apart from the internet-fueled rage which had consumed them so quickly. Cities burned, skyscrapers fell, and those who did not read the news, surf the net, or watch TV were either burned, crushed, or eaten by the small percentage of victims who, instead of exploding, became mindless zombies with an insatiable hunger for human brains. Until, that is, the invading troops gunned them down in the streets - zombies are never smart enough to avoid humans with guns, it seems. And this time there were just too many guns for the zombies to prevail.

There were a few exceptions to the destruction, however. A mountain cabin here and there. Some monasteries. A handful of offshore oil drilling platforms were cut off from all communication before the killer messages could reach them. A tribe of Havasupai Indians at the bottom of the Grand Canyon were also spared, because they remained completely cut off from the rest of the world. The_ USS Clinton_ had survived, primarily due to the foreknowledge of what was about to happen. And President Dleg, his cabinet members, and a few heads of state remained unharmed, deep beneath surface of Washington DC, in the network of secret tunnels and command bunkers.

A small neighborhood bar in a small alley in Boston also somehow evaded destruction.


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

MA_PE and Big Ray sat at the bar, sipping $2 pints.

"Jesus Fudging Christ, that noise is annoying!" complained Ray.

"No shit!" replied MA_PE. "Did a water main break again, or something?"


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

"Nah. Sounds like tanks in the streets again." Said Ray, not even looking up from the bar.

MA turned around and tried to see what was happening, but the windows were mostly blocked with stickers and other typical barroom decorations. A burst of machine gun fire sounded in the street outside. Shortly after, a severely wounded zombie burst through the door, saw the two at the bar, and moaned "braiiinssss!" But before it could move any farther into the bar, its head exploded from a short burst of 7.62mm NATO rounds.

"Goddamn zombies!" MA_PE cursed.

A goggled British soldier leaned into the doorway, kicking at the zombie's no-longer-undead body. "Terribly sorry about the mess, chaps. Are you fellows all right?"


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

Big Ray turned to look at the soldier. "I hope you bastards plan to clean this up!"

The soldier responded: "Yeah all right, we'll be coming along and removing all the bodies starting tomorrow. This ought to be the last zombie, so you fellows just keep drinking your beer, and we'll take care of everything outside." The soldier shouldered his rifle and stepped back over the zombie body, headed out the door.

MA_PE had walked over to a window and was looking out a small opening. "Say, what are you guys doing here anyway? Is that your tank outside?"

"Uh, right! That's my tank!"

"And why are there dead bodies everywhere? And why is the rest of the city on fire?! Holy shit!"

"Um, errrr, we're filming a movie outside. Very dangerous. I would just stay indoors for a while if I were you two." And with that, the soldier made his exit. The APC revved its engine and clanked further down the street.

MA_PE continued looking after it as it crawled over piles of rubble. A sudden burst of machine gun fire rang out from its turret, and a dead zombie fell from a second story window a block away.

"How long have we been in here drinking?" MA_PE asked Big Ray.


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

"I don't know. When did VT say he was going to meet us?"

"Yesterday? I wonder why he never showed up?" MA continued looking out the window. If it was a movie set, it was pretty convincing. "Hey Ray, do you remember hearing anything about a movie being filmed here?"

"Well, my cousin Carlo shoots pornos out of his apartment two blocks from here."

"No, this isn't a porno." MA_PE put his beer down. "I think you'd better come outside and see this."


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

Big Ray reached over the bar and refilled his pint, and then followed MA_PE out the door, stepping carefully over the remains of the zombie. He stopped just outside the door and was taken aback by the scene. Many of the buildings around them had collapsed and were smoldering. Headless bodies littered the streets. The rest of Boston, in the distance, was a mess of burning buildings. Aside from the military traffic, there did not appear to be anyone else around.

"Whoa! I think you may be right, MA!"

A truck full of British soldiers turned onto their street. It stopped in front of them. An officer in the cab leaned out and addressed the two. "Bloody mess, isn't it? Sorry 'bout that. We'll have it cleaned up in a jiffy, though! Here, take one of these." He handed them a glossy brochure.


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

The title of the brochure was:



> [SIZE=24pt]*PEACE, PROSPERITY, INTEGRITY* [/SIZE]


The cover had a photograph of a man neither Big Ray nor MA_PE had ever seen.

MA unfolded the brochure. Across the top of the inside, it said, simply:



> *[SIZE=18pt]YOUR GOVERNMENT HAS FAILED. WE ARE HERE TO SAVE YOU. RELAX AND WE WILL CLEAN EVERYTHING UP.[/SIZE]*


Below that was a short list. It read:



> In the meantime, please cooperate with us by:_- not using foul language_
> 
> - not mentioning sex
> 
> ...


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

Big Ray read it over, and finishing his pint, proclaimed it to be a "bunch of fudging bullshit!" MA_PE heartily agreed.

A British soldier walked out from a side alley and addressed them. "Pardon me, gentlemen, but I would be very careful not to use such language. I could personally not give a flying fudge, but if you look behind me down this alley, you will see that we are installing cameras and microphones throughout the city. If _He_ hears you" the soldier paused and motioned at the brochure, "I'll probably be ordered to arrest you. Or worse. Anyhow, please do carry on." He ducked back into the alleyway.

"I don't get it" said Big Ray. "Did they reelect Palin or something?" :dunno:


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

Top of page 76.


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## Dleg (May 4, 2010)

"This.... this is all so wrong! Everything is so fudged up!" Exclaimed MA_PE. He seemed to be gradually comprehending the scale of the disaster whcih had occurred while he was drinking $2 pints with Big Ray.

"Yeah, no shit!" replied Ray. "Hey, maybe you should e-mail VT. Maybe he knows what's going on."

"Oh, yeah, good idea!" MA_PE pulled an ancient-looking Blackberry from his pocket and began typing the following message:



> VT: Ray and I waited for you for two days at the pub. What the fudge! You still coming?
> MA_PE
> 
> PS - Boston is fudged. Everyone is dead or are zombified. British soldiers are roaming the streets handing out brochures that say our government has been replaced. WTF? You out of work now?


MA pressed Send and put the Blackberry back in his pocket.

"Do you think your car still works, Ray?"


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

The three headsets retracted into the ceiling with the whisper of high quality hydraulics. Tmack blinked a few times, then took his ever-present flask out of his coat pocket for a drink. rrpearso rubbed his bruised and swollen jaw.

Darth HVAC stood and said "Excellent work, gentlemen! I shall report our success to my master. _skuhh-huhhhhh_"

"So we're finished now?" asked Tmack.

"No, that was just the opening shot. The bigger battle lies ahead of us. Now, if you will excuse me..."

A female stormtrooper entered the room. "Lord HVAC! I regret to inform you that the _Chucktown_ continues to hold out. We have been unable to recover the keys."

"What!? Do not make me relieve you! I want those keys, Commander! _skuhh-huhhhh_"

rrpearso rubbed his jaw and looked at Tmack. "man i dont no about you but this is bullshit i didnt spend 12 years in engineer school to sit around with a lextrode stuck to my head typing messages on internet fourems all day. i mean $100 per hour sounded like fatty cash when this hole thing started but im thinking we need to negoateate for better money or at least some benefits. you no they wanted a $50 copay just to set my jaw. my lasst job they covered on the job accidents for free witch was good because i got hurt really bad making copies once and it wasnt a papercut like you mite think it was much worse. it got infeketed and had to be draned and my arm turned black for a while."

Tmack took another slug from the flask and rubbed his head, wondering what it was that they had just accomplished.


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

The day had finally dawned and the rumbling coming from Lindor had subsided. The ash clouds still covered the sun, but were not as dark or as angry looking as they had been during the night and early morning. VTEnviro held onto Gordalff, riding behind him on the back of the white unicorn DVINNY. Goredalff had just finished explaining what was happening, for the fifteenth time so far that day. Sschell had flow ahead on his dragon, roadwreck, several hours ago.

"So, what you're saying is, the three who shall not be named, and working for the Evil One who shall not be named, and they are trying to destroy you and your version of the internet, so they can impose their own version of the internet on the whole world?"

Goredalff laughed. "LOL! Yes! In part, anyway. But it's not just the internet."

"Right, right ... The Evil One actually exists in the next universe above ours, where our universe is the internet for his universe, so what he really wants is to control .... um, the internet outside the internet, which is the real world?"

"Sort of."

"So, this guy is just a giant asshole?"

A screech from an eagle interrupted their conversation. VT looked toward the sound, and saw the large bird just as its talons sank into his back.


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

The enormous bird carried the hobbit off the side of the road nearly a hundred feet before slamming him to the ground in the weeds. VTEnviro managed to roll on his back and get his arms up to defend himself. He noticed that Goredalff was laughing his ass off on the Unicorn. The eagle then proceeded to regurgitate a long, slender tube onto his chest, along with a sizeable quantity of mucus and bile, before flying off again.

"Holy! Holy shit! Jesus, Goredalff! What the fudge was that?!"

"LLLOOOLLLL!!!! Eagle mail!"


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

VT stood and opened the foul-smelling, slime-covered tube and pulled out a rolled paper message. He read for a moment.

"Aw crap! I missed $2 pints!"


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

VTEnviro continued reading. "Oh my God! Oh no! Goredalff! Goredalff! Boston has been invaded by the British! And there are zombies everywhere! It's all over!" VT sobbed.

Goredalff rode over to where he was standing. "Yes, I am afraid He has already overwhelmed your world. This is now the only place we can fight him." Goredalff looked very old, but suddenly brightened. "The fact that we're still here is a good thing, though! He must not have the Mark 69!"


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

VTE sniffled and wiped his eyes as he rode along behind Goredalff, wondering what had happened to all his friends and, especially, his dogs. He had enrolled them in obedience school before he left, but the class on zombie defense had not yet taken place.

They rode along quietly for a few hours, passing through low, rocky hills, and then into a narrow ravine. VT saw something dark move through the brush to their left, and heard a snarl from the right.

Goredalff halted DVINNY and peered into the rocks on the left. He had also seen something move. He placed a hand on the hilt of his sword.


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

"Cougars?" VTEnviro asked.

Goredalff responded in a whisper: "I don't think so - we passed through cougar territory yesterday."

More rustling was heard, and a rock rolled down a slope to their right. Now, a voice could be distinctly heard, speaking in a strange, guttural sounding language.

"I think I know that language!" whispered VT. "It's -"

Suddenly, a horde of dark-clothed, armored creatures appeared in the road behind and in front of them, growling and holding swords at ready.

"Klingons!" cried VT, burying his face in Goredalff's back.


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

"No! Dorcs!" Goredalff leapt from DVINNY, pulling VT with him and setting him down on the road. He withdrew his sword, and moved towards the Dorcs in front of them. DVINNY wheeled around and lowered his horn at the Dorcs behind them. VT covered his head and whimpered.

"Here, take this!" Goredalff tossed something to VT. VT looked up and saw the object on the ground in front of him. It looked to him like a silver-colored toilet plunger. "Use it!" Goredalff cried, as he charged forward toward the Dorc horde.


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

Gordalff ploughed into the mass of attacking Dorcs, slicing off heads, arms, and legs. Occasionally he would let loose a blast of lightning from his staff, and one, sometimes two Dorcs would explode. DVINNY met the rear Dorc force with similar ferocity, goring at least a dozen with his horn, and dealing fatal kicks with his two rear hooves.

But still, three Dorcs managed to get past the two, and converged on VTEnviro, who held the plunger in front of him and spun nervously around, waiting for the attack. The Dorcs circled him menacingly. Finally, a big Dorc that appeared to be wearing glasses lunged for him, swinging a massive hammer.

Some sort of fight-or-flight instinct switched on in VT's brain, and told him to fight. He dodged the hammer blow and jabbed the plunger at the Dorc, contacting it in the lower back. Using it as he assumed was intended, he pulled back hard, and the Dorc's internal organs were sucked out of the hole left by the plunger, along with huge quantities of black Dorc blood.

"Aw, that's fudging disgusting!" cried VT, but his instincts kicked in again and he similarly dispatched the other two Dorcs.

But more and more Dorcs kept pouring from the brush along the sides of the ravine, and by now Goredalff and DVINNY had been pushed back-to-back with VT in the middle.


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

Suddenly, the Dorcs stopped advancing and turned to face the sound of clanging swords some distance ahead on the road, and then fled back into the brush. A large Dorc was engaged in a swordfight with something much smaller about 50 meters down the road. Suddenly the Dorc's head rolled off its shoulders amid a spray of black blood, and the object of the Dorc's fear emerged victorious.

"What the hell is that?" asked VT, lowering his plunger. A short, bald, one-eyed creature sheathed its sword, and began walking toward them.

"Why, it's only the greatest sword fighter in Middle West!" Said Goredalff, elated. "PE-ness!"


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

"I always pictured him being ... taller." said VTEnviro.

"I wouldn't say that to him if I were you. Besides, it's a little cold outside today, if you know what I mean." Goredalff the turned to face PE-ness, who strolled confidently down the road toward them. "Where's your little buddy?"

"Behind me somewhere, I guess. He always is."

Just then a strange, round little creature rolled out of the brush and came jogging up from behind.

"Aha! There you are, Testee!"


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

PE-ness strolled up to where they were standing, placed a boot on a dead and dismembered Dorc, and bragged "Nobody who has ever dared to cross swords with me has lived to tell the tale. We will have no more trouble from those Dorcs today, my friends!" He threw a shoulder back, causing his cape to drape back in a heroic fashion.

"Yes, thank you for that PE-ness." Goredalff sheathed his own sword and took hold of DVINNY's reins. "Your skills with a sword are truly formidable, but I think we would all be wise to avoid cockiness. These were no ordinary Dorcs. There will be many more. We need to get to the Castle of King Touchdown as swiftly as possible."


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

"Certainly! It is not far." PE-ness rubbed his chin. "Goredalff, if I may ask a favor of you, I seem to have misplaced my ride..."

"Oh, but of course, PE-ness, hop up behind VTEnviro and myself. DVINNY can get us there in no time. And Testee?"

"I'll just hang back here!" said the strange little creature, as he slung himself from PE-ness's belt.


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

VTEnviro felt awfully uncomfortable, sandwiched between Goredalff's back and ... PE-ness. And to make things worse, his companion in the rear seemed to grow harder and taller as they bounced along. VT tried to think of something else.

"Hey Goredalff, if I was able to receive an e-mail - "

"Eagle mail" Goredalff corrected him.

"Right, eagle mail " VT rolled his eyes, "can I also respond to the sender?"

"Of course! This is the Internet!"

"Well, don't you think that's kind of an important thing here? I mean, shit, we can communicate with the outside world?"

"The outside world is all fudged up. You said so yourself!" Responded the wizard.

"Yeah, but, my friends MA_PE and Big Ray obviously survived. Maybe there's still some way they could help?"

Goredalff stopped DVINNY and turned around to face the hobbit. "Wait, did you say the message came from Boston?"

"Yes! Boston!"

"How far is Boston from Washington DC?"

"Fudge if I know! Weren't you Vice President once?"

"Twice, actually, but that was a very long time ago. I've tried to forget, and I have succeeded." Goredalff looked troubled for a moment. "But I do remember that I left another Node deep in one of the tunnels under the White House. I disguised it as a giant globe and made up some baloney about the atmosphere warming up as an excuse to take it around with me while I traveled. But I had it re-installed when my Colorado node was finished."

"So are you saying I should tell them to come find it?"

"Well sure, why not?"

"Because you told me before that only two real humans could fit in the internet!"

"That's preposterous!"

"You did!"

"Well, I was wrong! But, there is a limit to how many people can get inside a Node...."


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

"What limits it?" asked VT.

"Mostly..." Gordalff hesitated, "mostly the fact that I don't want a bunch of other naked people in the Node with me. You, for example, showed up uninvited. I would have never let you in if I had known you were coming. But don't take that wrong. LOL!"

"But why would you care? Once you're in the Internet, you really lose all sensation of what's happening with your real body, right?"

"Yes. You are absolutely correct. It's just that I don't want some naked guy in the Node with me." Goredalff shrugged :dunno:

"Well, how do you think I felt about getting in there with you?! Do you know how bad it reeks in the Node?!"

"Again, yes, and yet another reason I don't want other people in the Node with me. But, the Washington Node is separate. They can fit as many people in there as they can, as far as I'm concerned."

"Well then, how many people will fit in one of these Nodes, you know, maxed out?"


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

"Well, let's see... The Node is about 30 feet in diameter, and what's the equation for the volume of a sphere?" Goredalff asked.

"Oh! Oh! I know!" VTEnviro was happy to finally have something to take his mind off the fact that PE-ness was pressed up hard against his back. "Four pi R cubed divided by 3!!!"

"OK, so let's approximate pi as 3, which gives us 4 times .. " he mumbled, doing the math in his head, "say, 4 times 225, which is .... 900. Nine hundred cubic feet!" DVINNY's ears twitched.

"And let's assume a typical human occupies a space 6 feet by 3 feet by 2 feet, that's um...."

"Thirty six cubic feet!" VT answered, enthusiastically. DVINNY's ears twitched even more, and he swatted his tail.

"So that's... say, rounding the human down to thirty.... Twenty five humans!"

"AWWW GODDAMN IT!" DVINNY spoke. He had finally had enough. "You can approximate pi as 3.14. I'm fine with that. But you can't just go approximating it as 3. Jesus, Guys! And you can't just round down like that when you're trying to figure out how many things can fit inside something. You have to round up!"

"Well, you may be correct, DVINNY." Gandalff reached inside his robe pocket and pulled out the calculator VT had found the day before. "Let's do this correctly. Here we go, where's pi, ah! There it is! Pi, Enter!"

A deafening thunderclap echoed across Middle West, and a sickening beam of orange light suddenly illuminated them, emanating from deep within Lindor.

VT looked at the light in horror. "Aw crap, Goredalff!!!"


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

DVINNY carried the four as fast as he could toward the Castle of King Touchdown. The sky was growing dark again in the vicinity of Lindor, and dark flying shapes rose up in am immense flock in the distance, converging along the fiery beam which pointed toward them.

"I am such a fool! I have spoken the forbidden language of the Dork Side! We need your friends as fast as possible, VT!" Goredalff lamented.

"Can I send an e-mail from here?"

"Eagle mail!"

"Sorry, an eagle mail?"

"Not unless we stop, and we can't stop." Goredalff looked toward the growing horde coming from Lindor and cursed himself again. "Did you bring anyone with you to the Colorado Node?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, quickly! Call them in here!"

"How do I do that?!"

"Plug your nose, close your eyes, and blow!"

"Are you serious!? That's asinine!!"

"JUST DO IT!"

VT plugged his nose and blew. Nothing happened. "Harder!" Goredalff urged. He blew harder, until he could feel his eardrums distending and air leaking past his eyeballs. Suddenly everything grew quiet and dark, and he found that his head was sticking out of the sphere, upside down, inside the enormous dark cavern. He released the pressure and took a deep breath.

"HEEEELLLLLPPPP!"


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

The scream startled cement into dropping his sandwich. He had been inside the cavern for three days now, waiting patiently in a lawn chair next to the Suburban, taking turns keeping watch with his driver JR. Neither he or JR had any idea that civilization, as they knew it, had ended in the world above them.

cement stood, stretched, and began the long walk across the acrylic catwalk to the sphere. VTEnviro shouted again "Hurry up Goddamn it! This is a serious emergency! Bring JR and get inside the sphere!"

A voice came from the back of the Suburban. "Aw Hell no! I'm not getting in that thing with you guys! It's _nasty_ in there!"

"I'm serious guys! This place is all Middle Earth and shit and there's Dorcs and..."

"You're telling me!" grumbled cement.

VTEnviro went on with his explanation as cement walked along, and JR stood and began getting dressed. "Guys! This is not a joke! The world has ended up above you, don't you understand? You probably don't know because you've been stuck down inside here!"

"Ah, bullshit!" cement said angrily. "Gore's always sayin' that kind of stuff. And besides, I've been in there. Nothing but porn and trees and hippy shit!"

"Yeah well, not anymore, here, let me show you" VT reached backward, up inside the sphere. In Middle West, he was reaching behind him, blindly reaching for anything to prove he was really there, and getting hold of the strap that suspended Testee from PE-ness's belt. But from cement's perspective, VT was just reaching up toward his naked ass.

cement had finally reached the platform when VT pulled Testee out to show him. The basketball-sized, pink, hairy ball opened its eyes and said "Oh hello there!"

"Aw Jesus Christ VT! Do ya always have to be showing me disgusting shit. Put that thing away! I don't wanna see your elephantitus balls!"

Dammit! VTE looked for something else to show him as proof that he was really in Middle West and in trouble. He reached back blindly again, this time getting hold of PE-ness's cape.

"Greetings! I am PE-ness, the undefeated sword master of Middle West!"

"Aw come on VT! I told you, I don't want to see your penis ventriloquism shit anymore!"

JR had made it halfway out the catwalk, and chimed in "Yeah! Cut that shit out!"

Suddenly, VT's head was pulled back into the sphere, and Gore's head emerged. "You fools! We need you in here now!"


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

^up to page 97, post 4822


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

"Gore, you're such a whiner! What is it now? The troll farts are causing your atmoshpere to turn brown?" cement turned and laughed derisively in JR's direction.

"Wait a moment..." Gore's head disappeared for a moment, and then he reappeared, cheeks puffed out, and slung a dead, bloody dorc's head onto the acrylic floor of the platform.

"Oh Jesus Christ, Gore! Why'd you have to kill VT?!"

"That isn't VT you idiots! Does VT have black blood? That's a dead Dorc!"

"Well, VT's a Dork! And I have no idea what color his blood is! Murderer!"

Gore was losing his cool. He ducked his head back into the sphere.

JR had reached the platform by now and examined the Dorc head. "Hey, this isn't VT. Nope, see here? This is a Klingon. VT always dresses as Spock at our conventions."

Gore had re-emerged by now, and this time he had his staff. He aimed it just to the right of JR's shoulder and let loose a lightning bolt. 300 meters away, the Suburban exploded in a ball of fire.


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

Gore now pointed the staff at cement. Suddenly he had long white hair and a white beard, and his voice thundered "Get in the sphere!!!!"

cement held up his hands. "Whatever you say, Santa Claus! What, you're gonna cut my head off next?!" He unbuckled his belt and began removing his pants. "Jesus! What an asshole!"


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## Dleg (May 6, 2010)

Goredalff kicked DVINNY into his fastest gallop in anticipation of the entrance of cement and JR. As expected, the two materialized and dropped onto the road behind them, rolling painfullly to a stop on the sharp rocks. DVINNY halted and Goredalff looked back.

cement slowly came to his feet, clutching his lower back. "Aw crap, Goredalff, did you really have to drop me in like that?" He looked up at Goredalff, and then, in sudden alarm, back down at his own feet. "Aw shit, Goredallf, a Hobbit? Again? You know how I hate being a hobbit!"

Goredalff's anger had subsided. "LOL! Now, cement and JR, take a look to the east - see that black cloud? That's an entire flock of very bad things headed our way. Come, and I will lift you on to DVINNY and get us to shelter."

JR looked at his hands and feet. "Sweet! I'm a hobbit! Hey VT! They got pipeweed here, too?" VT looked down and smiled, and opened his coat revealing three or four kilos of the stuff overflowing from his inner pockets.


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## Dleg (May 7, 2010)

snickerd finally reached the last box of MRE's inside the storage area of the dark bunker where President Dleg and the Cabinet had finally found refuge from the zombie attacks.

"This one's expired, too!" She reported, throwing it into the pile of other expired MRE bags in the center of the room.

"Feed it to Frenchie! They haven't made him sick yet, and maybe he'll be fat enough to feed us all by Friday!" Said Dleg, casting a vicious look at the French President, who was chained to a nearby wall.

"But Monsieur President Dleg! I knew nothing of zis! I swear!"

"Eat it, Frenchie!"

Secretary of State frazil grabbed Dleg's sleeve in alarm, begging in a desperate whisper "Mr. President, Sir! You have to stop this cannibalism talk! The rest of the cabinet is getting frightened!"

"Well what the hell else are we going to eat? We can't go out in those hallways, they've been crawling with zombies for days! And the last time we sent anyone up to look out the manhole, he was shot by British soldiers!." Dleg slammed an MRE bag onto the floor. "Damn that Queen Elizabeth! I knew she looked untrustworthy!"


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## Dleg (May 7, 2010)

Just then, a tapping was heard at the bunker door. Two Marines near the door raised their weapons. Supe, Chairman of the National Sexual Exploits Reporting Board, was nearest the door, and motioned for everyone to be quiet. The tapping continued.

"Yep, that's the code!" said Supe, recognizing the rythm of "Labamba", which was the secret tune of the day. "Let him in!"

The door was opened and Secretary of Agriculture Slugger stumbled into the bunker, out of breath, and collapsed on the concrete floor. He was sweaty, filthy, and smelled of sewage that had turned septic days ago.


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## Dleg (May 7, 2010)

"Give him some air!" President Dleg pushed the gathering cabinet members aside.

Slowly catching his breath, Slugger pushed himself up off the concrete floor, and held out three dead rats, which were eagerly taken away by Secretary of Health FLBuff, who had become the de-facto rat chef due to his ability to make a delicious marinade using the tobasco, salt, pepper, and soy sauce packets from the expired MREs. He also secretly added grape jelly to his blend, which he carefully guarded in an inner pocket of his suit coat, and added only when the others weren't watching, for fear of losing his usefulness and being eaten by the President, who had grown increasingly obsessed with cannibalism over the past day and a half..


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## Dleg (May 7, 2010)

Slugger stood and brushed himself off. "I made it outside! I didn't get shot!"

"What's going on out there?" Asked President Dleg. Everyone else gathered around and listened attentively.

"Well, there's still British soldiers and armored vehicles all over the place. But now, there's also construction equipment and work crews. They're mostly cleaning up, but in some places, they're already repairing damaged buildings. They've already started fixing up the White House!"

"So it's safe for us to return? Yay!" said FAA Secretary csb.

"No, I don't think so. There's more."


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## Dleg (May 7, 2010)

Slugger continued, still a little out of breath. "I saw lines of people coming up from down south, probably the Navy Yard area. They were all carrying suitcases. It looked like there were tour guides or something directing them."

"Holy crap!" Exclaimed president Dleg. "They're already moving in!"

"Yeah! I think so! I got up near them and they sounded British, and I could hear some of them talking about how they picked out this house or that, and when were they going to be assigned their cars."

"Those bastards!" Dleg turned away in thought.

"One other thing," continued Slugger, "I didn't see any zombies. I think they've all been killed!"

Dogleg turned back on him, with a critical eye. "So why were you out of breath? Why do you smell like shit?"

"Someone else was already down here!"


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## Dleg (May 7, 2010)

Just then there came a strong pounding at the bunker door.

A muffled voice rang through the steel, "Hey come on, guy, we saw you go in there! Open up!"


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## Dleg (May 7, 2010)

"You idiot! How could you let yourself be followed here!" whispered Dleg to Slugger.

Another voice came from outside the door: "Yeah! Open up in there youse guys!"

"That doesn't sound like a Brit, sir." whispered frazil.

"Come on already! Open up! We brought beer!"

There was a mad rush to the door. Supe made it there first and opened it wide.


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## Dleg (May 7, 2010)

MA_PE and Big Ray were standing just outside the doorway, carrying four 12-packs of beer. "Whoa. What's that horrible smell?" said Big Ray, as the occupants of the space rushed them and took the beer. "Sorry, it's not cold, but, uh, help yourselves, I guess!"

President Dleg cracked open a PBR and chugged it. "Oh yeah!" he sighed, throwing the can to the floor and grabbing another. "So who are you guys, anyway?"

"I'm Big Ray and this is MA_PE! What, VT didn't send you an e-mail tellin you we were comin?"

"VT? You mean VTEnviro? No! What, is he alive?!"

"Yeah! And you aint gonna believe where he is!"


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## Dleg (May 7, 2010)

"I could give a flying fudge where he is! He obviously fudged up and failed to do what I told him to! The whole country's in ruins!"

"Yeah, well, it's pretty fudged up, you're right about that, but I'm not sure that's the end of it -"

Dleg cut MA_PE off: "Wait, you guys came all the way down here from Boston? How did you get here? Isn't the country crawling with British soldiers?"

"Yeah, British, French, Spanish, Poles, even Canadians. But they didn't give me and MA no problems, aint that right MA?"

"What do you mean? They shot at us when we tried to leave!"

"Well, shit, I'd a shot at you too, lookin like that and smellin like a dead goat! You know they got these zombie guys runnin around..."


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## Dleg (May 7, 2010)

"How many survivors did you run into on your way here?" asked President Dleg.

"Well let me think" Big Ray paused. "There was that one girl. You know, MA, that stripper from the Hoo-Ha club we ran into around the corner from the bar." MA_PE raised his eyebrows and nodded in remembrance. "You know, she seemed kind of interested, if ya know what I mean. I don't know why MA here didn't try to make a move."

"Yeah well, you know how it is." MA shrugged. :dunno: "Strippers.... you know. They might be hot to begin with, but soon enough they start talkin, and then they aint so hot anymore. It always ends up that way, so why bother."

"Alright, alright, you met a stripper in Boston." Dleg's patience was short. "Did you see any other survivors?"

Big Ray rubbed his chin and thought, looking up at the ceiling. "Nah. That was it. Saw a few zombies, though."

MA chimed in, "Yeah, they were all over the place, at first."

"But what about these boats full of... people?" asked Dleg.

"Oh, them?" scoffed Big Ray. "A bunch a fudgin Europeans! Movin into all our houses! Here, look at this."

Big Ray pulled out a couple of brochures and handed them to Dleg. Dleg pulled out the first one and read. "Peace, Prosperity, Integrity. What the fudge is this shit? Who the fudge is this guy?!" He opened the brochure and read through the rules. "I've seen this somewhere before...." He flipped the brochure back again and looked at the man in the photograph. "You know, and this is going to sound crazy, but this guy looks just like Queen Elizabeth!"

(p.102)


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## Dleg (May 7, 2010)

Secretary of State frazil took the brochure from Dleg, who held up the second one. It appeared to be a real estate brochure, advertising "millions of American Homes for sale, some for just fractions of a Euro!" Dleg handed it back to Big Ray in disgust.

"Alright, I want to know how you found us here! This is a Top Secret facility! Don't you know who I am?!"

"Yeah, I know you. You _were_ the President of the United States. But from what I seen up there, you ain't president of shit anymore."

MA_PE chimed in "Yeah, and neither of us voted for you anyway, you liberal bastard! You're the one who let these UN thugs into our country in the first place!"

Dleg held his hands up in front of him. "Hey, now, how could I honestly expect anything like this to happen? They were only here for exercises. Besides, it was you conservatives who got everybody so angry to begin with, which is what really started this whole thing!"

"Hey hey hey! Whoa there everybody!" frazil stepped between them. "This is not the time or place for any of this! Besides, you guys haven't answered the question. How did you find out about this place?!"

"I told you! VTEnviro sent us an e-mail, and told us to come here and find some big globe thing!"

"Can you show us the e-mail?"

"Sure!" MA_PE reached for his coat pocket, and the three Marines raised their rifles and aimed them at him. "Hey take it easy, Herr President!" He pulled out his blackberry, pushed some buttons, and handed it over to Dleg to read.


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

The e-mail read:



> Hay MA!
> Sorry I missed $2 pints! They have FREE pints here at Touchdown's Castle in Middle West! You guys need to get here and partake!
> 
> Go to DC and get into the White House Basement and try to find Al Gore's old "Inconvenient Truth" Globe - if you take off your clothes and get inside, you're in the internet! It's really fun!
> ...


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

"A globe? I've never seen a globe down here." President Dleg tried to think back. "Any of you seen a globe down here?"

Cabinet members shrugged :dunno: . Marine guards answered "no, sir!"

Big Ray laughed. "What, this is for real? VT's not talkin about some sort of club entrance or somethin'?"

"No, it's real. Gore lives inside a sphere we paid three trillion dollars for in Colorado, and he truly does live inside the internet, and others can join him by entering the sphere. But I had no idea there was another."

Supe spoke up. "Mr. President, sir?"

"Yes, Supe, what is it?"

"Do you remember when Palin had the Kennedy Center converted to a Roller Derby Arena?"

"How could I forget? Said she wanted to 'blow away elitism in Washington'! Renamed it the "Coca Cola Center"! That probably got me two, maybe 3 percent of my votes!"

"Well, did you ever go there, sir?"

"Fudge no! What's your point?"

"There's this huge disco ball hanging from the center monitor display above the rink. It doesn't rotate, but it still looked really cool because it had all these colored fiberoptic cables coming from it."

"You think that could be it?"

"Well, sir," Supe continued, clearing his throat, "I dated one of Palin's office assistants at one time, and oh, the stories she would tell me. You would not believe the sex we had! That office was so repressed, that the women who worked there would just go ape-wild any time they could get away! This one time, she brought a deputy assistant press-"

"Later, Supe! You can give me those details later! Trust me, I want to hear! But I need you to focus, man!"

"Oh, yes, right, sir! So anyway, we went to some regional championship there one night, and were in one of the administration's private booths with her EPA Head, who was that, um, oh yeah! Rush Limbaugh! And Rush was snorting coke, smoking crack, sniffing glue, you name it and he was doing it that night, and he was also bragging up a storm about how he had repossessed all of Gore's global warming props, and turned them into decorations at the Coca Cola Center!"

Dleg turned away in thought. "That must be it. We've got to get to the Kennedy Center!"


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

The _Chucktown_ had reached a stalemate in its battle with the female stormtroopers. On her way back into the sub, through the _Chucktown's_ AG-1N1 Mark V boarding tunnel, Captain klk had pulled the manual disengage lever on the Typhoon's P3-N15 boarding probe, releasing the _Chucktown_. But the boarding process had irreparably damaged the airlock system in the AG-1N1, and the _Chucktown_ was taking on water, and thus could not dive to escape the sub pen.

Zodiacs full of female stromtroopers assaulted its upper deck and sail in waves, but could not gain entrance. The _Chucktown_ maneuvered continuously inside the cavernous Russian sub pen, preventing the stormtroopers from being able to board with their cutting torches. The most they had been able to do was get a crowbar on deck, but even that had been dropped into the icy, deep water.


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

Captain klk stood in cold, ankle-deep water, peering intently through the periscope. "Dammit, Chuck! Can't you activate more pumps?"

_"I'M GIVING YOU ALL I'VE GOT, CAPTAIN!"_

Lt. Ble's voice came on the intercom. "Torpedo tube number 1 is loaded and armed, Captain!"

"Chuck, point us at the Typhoon!"

_"YES, CAPTAIN KLK"_

The sub swung around slowly, and the Typhoon, still sitting dockside and surrounded by stormtroopers, appeared in the periscope.

"Fire number 1!"


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

Darth HVAC was giving orders to his stormtrooper commanders near the edge of the sub dock, when a stormtrooper on the deck of the Typhoon shouted "torpedo!"

The stormtrooper commanders immediately pushed HVAC to the ground, covering him with their armored bodies, just as the torpedo exploded. The force of the blast created a nearly catastrophic pressure wave inside the enclosed cavern, rupturing windows in the command center and causing large sections of the rock ceiling to collapse onto the dock and into the water. A huge boulder landed within a few meters of HVAC, followed by a shower of cold seawater which had been lifted by the explosion.

HVAC raised himself on an elbow to look at the damage, but could see nothing through the smoke and dust. "Somebody check the spheres! And close the blast doors! _skuhh-huhhhh_"

A second explosion sent a visible shock wave through the smoke, dust, and water vapor suspended in the cave's atmosphere. A large section of the Typhoon's missile deck had been layed open by the blast, and fell heavily over the section of the dock where HVAC was standing.


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

The crew of the _Chucktown_ let out a cheer when the first torpedo hit. But this stopped immediately as four thousand tons of rock hit the _Chucktown'_s stern, crushing the rudder and jamming the propeller. Captain klk fell backwards with the sudden pitching of the sub towards the stern.

_"CAPTAIN, I AM AFRAID I MUST SHUT DOWN PROPULSION. I AM BADLY DAMAGED"_ said Chuck, emotionless.

"Oh crap!" klk stood and regained her view through the periscope. They were now drifting directly toward where the Typhoon had been, as large chunks of the Russian sub fell all around them from the second explosion. The brief period of straight travel after the rudder had been crushed had allowed them to accelerate to around 15 knots.

klk keyed the intercom, "Brace for impact!"


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

It was not much of an impact. The Chucktown came to rest relatively softly amidst the wreckage of the Typhoon's missile compartment. klk watched through the periscope, and saw dozens of stormtroopers climbing over the wreckage, headed straight for them, carrying weapons and placing sections of wreckage as makeshift boarding ramps over the remains of the Typhoon's missile compartment deck. Three stormtroopers carried an acetylene bottle.

"They're going to cut their way in!" klk keyed the intercom again. "All hands! Collect your rifles and prepare to repel boarders!"



"CAPTAIN, I DO NOT THINK IT IS WISE TO RESIST. YOU SHOULD OPEN THE HATCHES AND SURRENDER."

"What??!! We can't surrender now, what the hell is wrong with you, Chuck?!"

_"CAPTAIN, IF THEY CUT THROUGH MY HATCHES, WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE HERE. WE NEED TO KEEP ME OPERABLE. WE MAY STILL HAVE A CHANCE."_

klk thought for a moment. She knew Chuck was probably right. She picked up the intercom and addressed the crew again: "Belay that last order! We're going to surrender!" She paused and looked at the startled faces of the crew around her. "We can't let them cut into our hatches! Don't worry, I'll think of a way out. All hands return your rifles and prepare for surrender! Open all hatches!" klk returned the intercom handset, grabbed her stormtrooper helmet and taser rifle, and headed aft through the rising water.


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

klk made it to the stern, where she saw the water continuing to pour through the _Chucktown's_ damaged VAGINA. She banged on the door with her armored gloves.

"Wilheld! Wilheld Goddamnit! You have to come out now! We're surrendering! Nobody cares anymore!"

A voice responded from behind the door. "But! But! But they'll take Candy! You know she's in big trouble! I can't let her just be handed over to those thugs!"

"Aw Goddamnit Wilheld! I told you already! Just tie her hair up and put her in my uniform! They'l never know the difference!"

"But we did that, and she can't fit!"

"Oh bullshit, Wilheld! Let me in! I can make her fit!"

The door opened and Wilheld let her in through the knee-deep water. TK 439 was standing at the rear of the room, attempting to cover a pair of the largest, most perfect breasts klk had ever seen. She wore klk's coveralls, but they could only be zipped to just above the navel.

"Jesus Christ! You weren't kidding! Look at those things!"

TK 439 blushed.

"Here, take my sports bra, and just smash them down." klk reached into a drawer, fishing out a featureless gray top.

Candy struggled to get it on, finally succeeding. "Jesus, klk, she looks like a mother hen now!" said Wilheld, and he was pretty much spot on, thought klk.

"It'll have to do! Now get the fudge out of here, I'm going to hide out in the shower and try to blend in once they board us!"

Wilheld and Candy waded out of the room, but turned back at the door. "klk, I seem to recall we had a deal?"

"Aw shit, Wilheld, fine! Here! Take them!" klk fished out the silver eagles from a white plastic ammo pouch on her belt, and handed them over.


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

Several stormtroopers had surrounded the section of Typhoon deck that had fallen over Darth HVAC, who had been spared because of the large boulder that had fallen near him just moments before, creating a small pocket of safety. Two stormtroopers tugged at his arms, finally freeing him, but at the expense of one of his black jackboots, which stayed behind, pinched under the crumpled steel decking.

"Are you allright, Lord HVAC?" asked one of them.

"Yes, yes, I am fine. _skuhh-huhhhhh_. How are the spheres? Was there any damage?"

"No sir. And I am pleased to inform you that we have captured the Chucktown."

"Excellent! Do you have the Mark 69? _skuhh-huhhhh_"

"Yes, sir! Our technicians are removing it now!"

"Excellent! My Master will be most pleased! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

Goredalff sat at the head of the large table, opposite King Touchdown. Along the sides of the table sat the most legendary beings in all of Middle West, the heroes of the fight against Lindor. The table was covered with piles of delicious smoked meats, baked breads, potato and vegetable dishes, and above all, pint after pint of the most delicious, fresh ale VTEnviro had ever tasted.

The table was hero-sized, so VT, cement, and JR were required by necessity to sit at a smaller table near the fireplace, along with Testee. VT and JR were enjoying themselves immensely, turning to listen and laugh as the legendary heroes told tales of deeds past and present, including the battle that had taken place earlier in the day. cement sat quietly and picked at a turkey leg and twitched. The day had not gone well for him. Every once in a while VT or JR would slap him merrily on the back and say something like "Hey! It could have been worse!"


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

King Touchdown slammed his ale tankard on the table three times to get everyone's attention.

"I'd like to propose a toast to Sschell and the dragon roadwreck, who have once again saved the day, like so many times before!"

Tankards were raised around the table. "Here, here!" came the responses.

Goredalff raised his tankard next. "Friends, let us not forget the heroic contributions of our little friend cement, and his noble sacrifice, again and again and again! LOL!"

The table busted out in laughter, and Big P. lifted the now famous hobbit from the kids' table, and passed him around, giving every jubilant dinner guest a chance to slap him on the back and raise their tankard to him.

"Hey cut it out, you guys! This has been bad enough without all this manhandling! Put me down!"

Big P. held him over the center of the table and hung him from the chandelier by his coat, and the table erupted in laughter again.

"Come on, you assholes! I'm serious! That's enough!"

"Tell us the story again!" shouted Mr. Man. "Tell us what it was like to be chewed and eaten by a Troll! Over and over and over and over - " the rest of his request was drowned out by rowdy laughter again, and the sound of chairs being pushed back while guests got up to get their refills from the ale barrels.


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

"Alright, alright." cement said, swinging from the wrought-iron chandelier. "So there I was, fighting off the waves of flying noobs just like everyone else, and killing them left and right, just like everyone else. I mean, what's the big deal? Right? They're just noobs. They don't have any teeth. Any claws. Any weapons. They're mostly just an annoyance, right?

"So I see something happening over to my right, near the south tower. One of the noobs has morphed into this gigantic troll, completely unexpected like, right? So no one notices, and he comes up behind PE-ness, and just flattens him with his hammer!"

"And believe me, my friends, that hurt!" chimed in the one-eyed, sword fighting legend.

"And then another troll pops up and takes out Box of Rocks! And then another, and Squitchy goes down! And then Tony Soprano!" cement was enjoying the attention now. "And all this time, I see sschell flying around on roadwreck, not doing a damn thing!"

The dragon roadwreck snorted from where he lay by the fireplace. cement continued: "And then suddenly I realize that all these trolls are walking my way! And then..."


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

... I turn, and see this huge Troll, right behind me, salivating and growling, and suddenly he just picks me up and tosses me in his mouth, and starts chewing! I mean, talk about hurt! I felt my ribs crush, my hip, even my skull! It was horrible!"

The table bursted out in laughter again.

"And then there I was again, fighting off the waves of flying noobs just like everyone else, and killing them left and right, just like everyone else. I mean, what's the big deal? Right? They're just noobs. They don't have any teeth. Any claws. Any weapons. They're mostly just an annoyance, right?"

Now the table was really laughing.

"So I see something happening over to my right, near the south tower. One of the noobs has morphed into this gigantic troll, completely unexpected like, right? So no one notices, and he comes up behind PE-ness, and I've got this really strong deja-vu sensation, and suddenly sschell swoops down and roadwreck incinerates the Troll!"

"Here, here!" tankards were raised again, and those around him slapped sschell on the back. Someone tossed a hindquarter of a roast pig to roadwreck.

cement continued. "So I still haven't figured this out yet, so I continue fighting off noobs, and then see the Troll take out Box of Rocks, Squitchy, Tony Soprano, and all the while I'm thinking 'this all feels really familiar to me', and then I get eaten again! And I'm back again on the castle wall, fighting off noobs, only this time I see sschell take out four trolls before I get eaten!"

Sschell spoke up now, removing the pipe from his mouth. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that, cement, I can't seem to remember more than two or three Trolls at a time!"

"And this goes on and on, I don't know how many times, but gradually I become aware that I keep going back in time, and that I will get eaten each time, and I retain more and more memory of it until I just can't face it anymore, and just curl up on the rampart in the fetal position and wait for my impending death!"

The smile had left cement's face and he began twitching again. "And then Goredalff..." He paused, looking at the wizard with true resentment in his eyes. The room had grown silent. "...hung me from that pole as fudging bait!"

Goredalff smiled patiently and spoke. "You were the one they were after, cement. Trolls love Hobbits, especially the fa... I mean, the plum... er, the heavie.... um, most nutritious ones."

The table broke out in laughter again.


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

JR stood up from the kids' table and spoke. "Don't you think the fact sschell can time travel might have been worth mentioning? Couldn't we have avoided some of that fighting and pain? Heck, couldn't we have prevented everything that has happened so far, both here in Middle West, and up there in the _real_ world?"

Lumpy Larry slammed down his tankard. "Who you callin not real!?"

Goredalff smiled. "sschell can't time travel. All sschell can do is speed up time, or, with some effort, delete small pieces. That's all that happened today. Schell watched the battle, memorized which noobs were really Trolls, and then deleted the previous 60 seconds or so, allowing him and roadwreck to eliminate those Trolls before they could eliminate any of you. We all owe sschell our gratitude for that, and for the fact that he didn't fudge anything else up with his history deleting. Unlike some other times." Goredalff cast a sideways glance toward sschell. The others murmured agreement, and thanked sschell. Ratblaster tossed a half-eaten goat leg to roadwreck.


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

Just then a heavy wooden door to one side of the dining hall opened up, emitting a foul odor and a rather smaller-than-average man, who was rubbing his lower abdomen with one hand, and waving the other in front of his face.

"What'd I miss?"

Big P. was nearest the door and was the first to get hit with it. "Aw, crap, Fudgepump! What the hell did you eat?"

"Sorry, guys! I think it was the combination of garlic roast goat, pickled eggs, and Goredalff's spicy bean burritos. And maybe the antibiotics I've been on. You know, this was really the first dump I've taken since... let's see... last Thursday? Man, I tell you, it was burning a hole in my gut during the battle, but I couldn't exactly leave. Some of it actually leaked out during -"

Roadwreck interrupted, turning his head and breathing a jet of fire across the acrid plume, igniting it briefly and singeing Fudgey's eyebrows.

"Thank you for that, roadwreck!" Said King Touchdown, removing the tablecloth from his nose. The dragon snorted and returned to eating his meat.

"Is someone gonna get me down from here?" asked cement, still swinging from the chandelier.


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

Big P. removed the hobbit from the wrought iron hook and returned him to the kids' table. Dinner resumed.

King Touchdown spoke across the table. "So tell us, Goredalff, what makes you think this time is any different from the past? Why would He Who Must Not Be Named want to leave the safety of Lindor and attempt to destroy us? I mean, we've had a good time and all, and some thrilling battles, but in the grand scheme of things we've been nothing more than a fly on a Fudgey-sized, antibiotic-fueled, baseball-bat-shaped toilet clogger, to Him."

Fudgey stood and ran for the wooden door.


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

Goredalff puffed on his pipe. "What if I told you that He Who Must Not Be Named has been joined by the legendary demons of old, Timak the Self Righteous, Ripperson the Asinine, and Getme the Superior?"

Everyone at the table let out a gasp. PE-ness simply laughed. "Why should these names concern us? I have personally battled with each of these demons, and found them to be no match for my swordsmanship!"

"Yes, PE-ness, you have, and so have many of us. But we have never been forced to battle them together. The fact is, these three have already united and have taken control of the world beyond. Now, they aim to enter our world, and join forces with He Who Must Not Be Named, and expand the borders of Lindor until it covers all of Middle West!"

This time even PE-ness gasped, and dropped his steak knife to the stone floor.


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

The dining hall went silent for a moment, as the guests tried to comprehend the enormity of what Goredalff had just told them. But the melancholy mood was broken quickly by the sounds of a man in severe gastrointestinal distress coming from the side door.

"Aww, dammit Fudgey!" shouted Mr. Man. Roadwreck fired another jet of flame past the door to head off the stench.

King Touchdown cleared his throat in an attempt to return to the conversation. "You mean He wants to take this place over, and govern us?"

"Yes and no. He wants to take this place over, but not out of any interest in your territory or your resources. He simply wants to erase you and most of the things that make up Middle West. Every boob tree, vulva flower, penis fish, lemon party, and every single one of _you_."

Pickles whispered to Tony Soprano, seated beside him, "I could do without the lemon parties, myself."

"But he can't do that!" protested Squitchy, "I mean, seriously, what control does he have over these things? He might be able to chop down a tree here and there, or even an entire forest, but those things always grow back! It's the force of nature! Isn't it, Goredalff?"

"I'm afraid he can." responded Goredalff, standing and walking to the opposite wall. He lifted his staff and waved it across the space in front of him, creating a large graph.

cement looked at JR and rolled his eyes. "Aw, here we go again!"


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

"I've been monitoring the concentration of anger and argumentativeness in the atmosphere here for over a century. During that time, the concentration of "controversy", as I call the combined metric, has held around or below 100 ppm.

As you can see, the last couple of decades has seen a dramatic rise in controversy, to over 500 ppm last year. My measurement last night, which has not yet been published and peer-reviewed, revealed a peak controversy concentration of over 10,000 ppm yesterday morning. Now, this has dropped again to less than 1,000, but I must point out to you, that anything above 300 ppm, based on my research, represents a tipping point, from which Middle West may not be able to recover."


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

The room went silent while everyone looked at the graph. Finally, Box of Rocks spoke up.

"No way, Goredalff! Not this shit again! You remember back in 4620, you used that same data to get everyone in Middle West all fired up about the impending "Nice Age", based on that dip in the data! Now you expect us to jump up and down over another spike? Puh-leaze!"

Goredalff lowered his staff and turned angrily to Box of Rocks. "Were those just ordinary flying noobs we fought this morning? Because I don't seem to recall you ever being crushed by one that turned into that nasty of a Troll before, do you!?"

PE-ness spoke next. "It is true, my friends. Even I, the legendary swordmaster, have _felt_ it, running through my throbbing veins!"

"That's true! PE-ness was angrier than usual this morning!" piped up Testee.


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

Goredalff raised his staff again and presented another slide. "Here is picture I took of a vulva flower in the Castle courtyard, just this evening, prior to dinner!"

Everyone in the room gasped again. Big P. called out in pain "My eyes!!!"

"Tell me about it!" replied Goredalff, quickly moving to the next slide.


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## Dleg (May 9, 2010)

"Who was that?" asked VTEnviro.

"That's Gore's wife, Tipper. That's why he moved into the internet!" whispered cement, from the back of his hand.

"There was a dead Metallica Moth right next to it, too!" Goredalff added, as he manipulated the video for his next slide. A tear slipped from the corner of King Touchdown's eye.

(p. 106)


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## Dleg (May 10, 2010)

Fudgey again returned from the restroom, waving his hand in front of his face, prompting roadwreck to breathe another jet of fire across the doorway to ignite the plume of toxic gas in his wake.

Goredalff fiddled with his staff, "hold on here, I'm trying to get this video I intercepted from the world above us to play.... damn this Windows 13.... Ah! There it is!"

A small window popped up in the middle of the blue screen, with a Fox News logo at the bottom, but a very strange image inside the frame.

"As you know," interrupted Goredalff, "because of dimensionality incompatibilities, we cannot see this person as he is seen in the world above. But just so you know, he looks more or less like the rest of us. His name is Glenn Beck. This occurred about 24 hours ago, Middle West time."

What appeared to be a giant talking turd appeared in front of a chalkboard, which had a crudely drawn stick figure hanging from a noose, and some writing in a language which the Middle Westerners could not read. They could also not understand the language that the turd spoke in, and instead heard only an annoying whine. Suddenly the turd exploded.

Fudgey stood again. "Goddamnit, Goredalff! You told me you removed the cameras from the toilet last year!" He clutched at his abdomen and ran off to the restroom again.

"This!" Goredalff interjected, "Is what the three are capable of, when their forces are combined!"

The hobbit table erupted in uncontrollable giggling.


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

Box of Rocks spoke again. "Wow! So what you're saying is they're going to team their forces to make our poop explode, and then all the flowers are going to turn into your ex-wife and try to censor our music collection?" He laughed, followed by the rest of the table.

Goredalff took the screen down and smiled patiently. He then spoke. "He Who Must Not Be Named wants to destroy everything in this universe. He hates this universe. Can't stand the porn, can't stand the bathroom jokes, can't stand our food, can't stand people like you, who do not exist in his world. He wants our universe to be used only for 'serious business'" Goredalff made quotation marks with his fingers. The table grew silent again.

Goredalff raised his staff and presented another slide. "This is the composition of our atmosphere. Each component exists in balance with the other, and has done so for eons. Until now."


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

"Nice background! What is that?" asked Squitchy, while the others murmured their approval.

Goredalff continued, putting up the next slide.

"Based on my projections, once atmospheric controversy has topped the 1000 ppm mark, or, 0.1 percent for those of you who are math-challenged, the atmosphere will rapidly adjust. The porn content, which was already volatile, will combust at a 3.7:1 ratio with the humorous content, leaving an atmosphere that is 99.9 percent 'serious business'." He again made quotation marks with his fingers, for emphasis. "Which I would hope you all understand, by now, is toxic to all life here in Middle West."


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

Big P. spoke up now. "Well, I guess that sounds pretty fudged up. But what can we do about it? That A-hole doesn't even live in this universe, last I checked, he just maintains Lindor, and all we have ever been able to do in Lindor is prompt an angry eagle mail or two from him, stir up his trolls, and have a few laughs ourselves."

Goredalff lowered his staff, turning off the slideshow. "He Who Must Not Be Named will be coming here, to Middle West, to attempt to destroy us in person."


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

Darth HVAC's stormtrooper escorts stayed at the door, leaving him to walk the long red carpet alone.

As he approached the center of the dark, cavernous room, the massive, black throne at its center swiveled slowly toward him, revealing a dark, hooded figure.

"Master, I have secured the Mark 69, and the spheres remain fully operational. _skuhhh-huhhhhh_"

The hooded figure rose, and an evil smile spread across its ancient, wrinkled face. "Excellent! Excellent work, my trusted apprentice!"


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

The crew of the _Chucktown_ had been led to the other side of the submarine docks and into a large, empty concrete warehouse. Their hands were bound behind them with nylon ties and they were lined up in a long row, and told to sit. Thirty taser rifle-armed stormtroopers guarded them from both sides.

The stormtrooper platoon leader walked slowly past the row of prisoners, examining each. About two thirds of the way into her inspection, she stopped in front of Candy, and in a deep-sounding amplified voice, ordered her to stand.

"What do you have inside your coveralls, there, sailor?"

Candy cleared her throat and attempted to respond in the most feminine voice she could muster. "Nothing, sir, just my ... my... "

The stormtrooper officer cut her off, and reaching forward, attempted to unzip the coveralls, which was no easy task because they were stretched tight as a drum across her massive, but severely compressed, breasts.


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

The stormtrooper platoon leader had unzipped the front of Candy's coveralls by maybe only an inch before the zipper busted, and the severely strained fabric of klk's sports bra gave way, unleashing her massive breasts in a sudden surge that almost knocked the platoon leader over.

"Aha! TK 439! I knew it! Take her away!" Five other female stormtroopers stepped forward, and began leading Candy away by her elbows.

Wilheld's mind raced, and in an ill-thought gesture, he stood and shouted "Stop! You can't take her! I... I... I love her!"

The platoon leader simply said "Take him away, too!", and the three unoccupied troopers returned to collect Wilheld, and marched him out the door by his elbows, as well.

The leader then barked a command, and all but five of the guards left the room behind the prisoners.


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

klk had not been discovered yet. She had succeeded in blending in with the assault troopers by pretending to be searching the stern of the sub, and had been ordered to fall in with the guard detail assigned to keep watch on the Mark 69 operation.

Candy had shown her how to re-set the identification transponder in her helmet, but there was nothing she could do about the lack of an identification bar code on her buttocks, which she finally had figured out was the reason the weird guy in Darth HVAC's quarters had discovered her ruse. She knew it was just a matter of time before they started looking for her. She had to think of something, and fast.


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

The communicator hidden in her oversized breast piece made a staticy sound. klk responded, in a whisper, "Chuck, is that you? Can you still hear me from here?"

The response was weak and full of static, but Chuck was indeed still able to reach her. _ "KLK, I NEED TO KNOW IF YOU ARE STILL WITH THE MARK 69."_

"Roger, Chuck! It's here with me!"



"HAS IT BEEN CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET?"

"I don't think so. The Mark 69 is just sitting on the service cart with some technicians looking at it, but there's no wires connected to it. They've got some really thick, transparent looking cable thingy laid out on the ground near it, but it's connected to these 4 big glass balls at the back of the cavern. I don't think it's an internet connection, but I could be wrong."


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

_"THE MARK 69 WAS BUILT PRIOR TO MOST OF OUR MODERN DAY CONNECTIONS, KLK. IT IS POSSIBLE TO CONNECT, BUT IT WOULD REQUIRE CONVERSION THROUGH AN OLDER MODEL DIAL-UP MODEM. DO YOU SEE ANYTHING LIKE THAT ON THE SERVICE CART? OR CONNECTED TO THE CABLE YOU SEE?"_

"No, Chuck, it's just a big, thick cable that appears to connect directly to the glass ball, through hundreds of little tiny fiberoptic-looking thinigies."

_"I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF ANY COMMUNICATIONS SYSTEM MATCHING YOUR DESCRIPTION."_

"I'm sorry Chuck, but that's all I see. Wait..."

klk watched a gray-suited technician pull out a thick, clunky-looking thing that looked like a calculator, and then pull a plug out of its end, and insert a narrow cable, with what looked like a phone jack, that he then connected to a port inside the arming system cover on the Mark 69.

"Chuck! A technician just connected the Mark 69 to some calculator-looking thingy!"

_"OF COURSE. THAT EXPLAINS WHY I COULD NEVER COMMUNICATE WITH THE MARK 69. IT SPEAKS A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE THAN I DO."_

"What do you mean, Chuck? You're a computer! Can't you speak with all computers?"

_"YES. BUT NOT WITH ALL CALCULATORS. I CANNOT SPEAK RPN."_


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

"So does that mean we're screwed, Chuck? You can't communicate with the Mark 69?"


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

_"I AM AFRAID SO, KLK. BUT IT MAY BE POSSIBLE, IF I CAN CONNECT TO THE INTERNET, TO GET SOME HELP."_

"Well how in the hell and I supposed to get you connected to the internet, Chuck?"

_"DO YOU STILL HAVE THE STORMTROOPER COMMUNICATOR, KLK?"_

klk reached for her utility belt, and felt for the cylindrical communicator. It was still there. "Yeah, Chuck, I still have it."

_"THE COMMUNICATOR SHOULD ALLOW YOU TO CONNECT TO THE INTERNET, IF YOU CAN FIND A JACK."_

"OK, I'll give it a try." klk removed the communicator from her belt and examined it through the lenses of the stormtrooper helmet. On one end was the obvious microphone, but the other had a small protrusion that might be a jack, she thought.

As she was examining it, another stromtrooper approached her and spoke. "Is there a problem with your communicator, VQ-771?"


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

klk thought fast, sweating inside the poorly ventilated plastic armor. "Um, yeah," she said, "I'm having trouble connecting to the internet and I-"

"Dumbass! That's not an internet communicator! Get over to comms and ask for an internet model. I'll relieve you."

Surprised by how easy this had been, klk walked off, headed for the main passageway through the facility. No one even looked her way.

She paused outside the blast doors. She had no idea where the 'comms' room was, but judging by how she had been received so far, she figured she could get away with wandering around a little.

She walked down the main corridor that entered the open sub pen. She could see the sail of the Chucktown from here, and the cables that lashed it to the dock, and the bulldozers still clearing rubble and wreckage. There were several doors along the way, and a few smaller passageways that led to even more rooms. Each door was numbered and labeled, so she figured it would not take too much effort to find 'comms'. She passed by a door marked 'Armory D', another marked 'Mess 3', and another marked 'P3-N15 Extensions'. She then came to an important looking passageway that was well-lit and contained doors to many different rooms. The first one she came to read 'Comm. Dis.' She paused. Communicator distribution? Communications and dispatch? This must be it, she thought, and entered.

She tried to exit immediately and quietly, but Cutiepie had already turned around and seen her. "hey there sweetiepie whar are u doing in here. perfect timing on your part becauss i just got the meds i need to not only stop the dripping but also keep me going for hours. raaaaaawr"


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

klk thought fast, and then brushed past Cutiepie and went straight to the dispensary counter. "I need diarrhea medicine, and fast"

She heard Cutiepie utter "ewwww" and leave the room.

The stormtrooper pharmacist turned to get the medicine, but klk stopped her. "I was only joking."

"Oh? Well, that was brilliant thinking!" the stormtrooper pharmacist replied through her amplified helmet address system. "I wish I had thought of that!"

"Yeah, that guy, especially, is bad news."

"Tell me about it! He's been in and out of here six times since he got here, for various STD meds and generic viagra." The pharmacist turned to continue organizing the pill bottles. "Did you come in with the sub?"

"Yeah!"

"Well I feel sorry for you, then. Half the crew has been in here already. Some said they haven't been able to sit down for days!"

"How do you sit down in these suits anyway?"

The pharmacist laughed. "I know! They're terrible, huh? I have no idea why they make us wear them."


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

"You seem to have a lot of antibiotics in here...." klk observed, with a hint of concern in her voice.

"Yeah. Those fudging over-sexed technicians keep bringing walrus herpes and sea lion syphilis down here. See that condom dispenser on the wall over there? Still as full as the day I installed it."

"Wow. How do you put up with this stuff? I would have kicked someone's ass a long time ago."

"What do you mean? We have a choice?"

"Well, sure! No one has to put up with sexual assault, or even harassment! You just file an EEOC complaint!"

The pharmacist laughed. "EEOC? Are you serious? Look, even if Palin hadn't gutted the program, who would we file with? Lord HVAC is the designated EEOC contact, and he's the worst violator! Well, actually, he isn't the worst, simply due to his small size, but you know what I mean."


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

"I suppose you're right." klk admitted. "But, there must be something you- ... I mean we, can do about this."

The pharmacist leaned over the counter. "Like what?"

"Have you ever heard of a union?"

"No! What's a union?"


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## Dleg (May 11, 2010)

"Admiral, sir! I have the photos from this morning's recon run over the island!"

Admiral Captain Worley took the envelope and dismissed the intelligence officer, who returned up the ornate stairway of the _Clinton's_ Captain's Lounge, and out to the bridge. Wolverine, the Dark Knight, and Major General SapperPE gathered around as Worley spread the images over the coffee table.

"Just more walruses and sea lions!" grumbled Wolverine.


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## Dleg (May 12, 2010)

The Dark Knight pulled one of the images closer and examined it carefully. "I don't think this is a walrus or a sea lion. Look here."

He cleared away Worley's scotch glass and set the image back on the table.

"That looks like a guy!" Said General Highway. "But what's he doing so close to that walrus?"

"He's fudging it!" blurted out Wolverine, laughing, and returning to the bar for another scotch.

"Aw, come on! No one fudges walruses!" Highway peered closely at the image. "Or do they?"


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## Dleg (May 12, 2010)

The image was grainy and was taken from some distance away, but the oblique angle did reveal what looked like an upright human bending slightly at the knees, and making contact with a walrus in about the correct position for human-walrus sexual relations, or so assumed Admiral Worley.

"He must have come from that native village on the other side."

"Impossible, Worley." Replied General Highway, picking up another image and pointing to it. "There's no way any human can get across this ridgeline on foot. He would have had to take a boat, and I don't see a boat anywhere there on the beach, do you?"

The four continued to examine the photographs. The Dark Knight held up an image that had been taken from more directly above the site. "If I'm not mistaken, this looks a bit like a trail leading away from the beach and up into the ridges."

General Highway snatched the image away and examined it. "I think you're right! And look! It ends at this rock there... " he picked up the previous image from the oblique angle. "A cave! That's a cave!"


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## Dleg (May 12, 2010)

"Well then, we have found our way in! Let's discuss our attack plan!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa there!" Wolverine returned from the bar with a fresh scotch. "You guys find a picture of some dude fudging a walrus, and that's all the evidence needed to determine we've found not only the island the sub pen is located on, but also the way into a reportedly impregnable fortress? Excuse me if I decide to stay behind, because walrus-fudger there isn't enough to go on in _my_ book."

"Wolverine! We've examined every island out there, and none of them have shown any activity whatsoever! If you have a better idea, please feel free to share!" General Highway glared at the superhero.

"Yeah, I've got a better idea, let's just stay here and drink some more scotch and keep looking!"

"We don't have time for that! He's got he Mark 69, and if he activates it, well, who knows what damage he could do!" Worley had also lost patience.

"Exactly!" continued Wolverine. "Who knows? No one knows! You guys can't even explain to me what this thing does. About all I can figure is that it will destroy the internet, but those assholes have already taken the internet as their own and killed off everyone in America, so I don't see why they would want to use it! It makes no sense!"

The Dark Knight stood and moved closer to Wolverine. "I agree. None of this makes any sense."

Worley looked at General Highway and swirled his scotch while he deliberated how much he should tell them.


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## Dleg (May 12, 2010)

"The Mark 69 doesn't actually destroy the internet. Well, it does, but only as a side effect of its true function." Worley, drink in hand, walked to the giant picture window that comprised the starboard wall of the 2-story lounge. A blizzard raged outside, obscuring their view of all but the nearest whitecaps below. He tried to think of a way to explain what he knew, which admittedly was not as much as he would like.

"And???? What does it do, Worley?" asked Wolverine, impatiently.

Worley turned and walked to a nearby shelf along the side of the room, and took down a small laptop computer. "Say I wanted to destroy all the data on my hard drive. Name the ways I could do that."

"Well, you could simply delete it," answered Wolverine.

"You could blow it up!" answered General Highway, enthusiastically.

"You could reformat the hard drive," suggested the Dark Knight.

Worley pulled a small USB drive from his pocket. "Or...." he said, inserting the drive into a side port of the computer, "I could re-load the operating system."

The other three looked quizzically at him. :blink:

"OK, I admit, that's about all I know of the Mark 69 - its true purpose was to be used to reconfigure the Internet, in the event that one of our enemies somehow seized control of the net. It was a way to return control of the internet to us, and deny the enemy of its use. Now, I can only imagine what HVAC intends to do with it, but considering he has already seized control of the United States, he probably has some plan to similarly seize the internet."

Wolverine looked at the Dark Knight. "Well, I think that kind of goes without saying, doesn't it? What's the big deal with controlling the internet?"

Worley turned and faced Wolverine, swirling the ice cubes around in his glass. "This is where things get a little weird."

(p. 115)


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## Dleg (May 13, 2010)

"Gore says..." Worley hesitated. "Gore _has_.... created a whole new world in the internet. Well, more than just a world. An entire parallel universe, if you will. I've been in there myself and have seen it."

Wolverine laughed out loud. "You've got to be fudging kidding me!"

"No, I'm not. It's a whole world. You can go inside and it's as real as this world, although it is a little different." Worley walked back to the window. "And that's not all."


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## Dleg (May 13, 2010)

"Gore says _our_ world is the internet for some other world." Worley turned back to the table. "And he proved it to me."

Wolverine scoffed. "How?"

"It's tough to explain, but you remember physics class?" General Highway nodded, while Wolverine and the Dark Knight just looked at him skeptically. "What's one thing you can never do?"

"I know a few things you _should_ never do...." laughed Wolverine. "Getting married comes to mind!"

Worley continued. "You can't travel faster than the speed of light, right? Nothing can!" Worley walked to the bar and poured more scotch in his tumbler. "So we can see all this stuff out there in our universe, right, that is billions and billions of light years away from us, so basically it is impossible to go anywhere else than just immediatley around Earth and our solar system."

Wolverine sat and shook his head. Worley returned from the bar and went on. "Gore took me, in an instant, ten billion light years away from the Earth, to a galaxy cluster that Hubble had imaged twenty five years previously."

Wolverine stood up and headed for the bar himself, laughing to himself. The Dark Knight just looked at Worley, with no expression on his face.

Worley walked back to the window. "And then he told me to reach out and touch it, and I did, and it was nothing but a hologram. I guess. I don't know what it was. But basically, it wasn't even there. It was all just an image pasted onto our skies." Worley turned around. "Just like the sky in Grand Theft Auto, or any other video game. And then we returned, and basically, all we did was just step right back down onto the Earth. None of it was real."

Wolverine drank straight from the bottle then wiped his mouth. "That," he looked up at Admiral Worley, "is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard."

The Dark Knight finally spoke. "So, are _we_ real?"


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## Dleg (May 13, 2010)

"Yes!" Worley replied, with a reassuring certainty. "Our world is _our _world, for better or worse, it is all that exists for us. Well, until this new world that Gore created came into existence, anyway."

"Are you saying Gore is some sort of ... Diety?" Asked the Dark Knight.

"No, not at all. He just invented the internet. Well, actually, even he admits he didn't have much to do with the actual invention. But once the internet got beyond a certain stage, to the point at which a rudimentary new universe could exist within it, Gore was contacted by ..." Worley swallowed and looked troubled, for the first time during this extraordinary conversation, "by something ... some _being_ ... that cannot be named, but is the single most evil entity in _all_ universes, apparently."


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## Dleg (May 13, 2010)

Now Worley sat on the plush red velvet couch, opposite the couch where General Highway and the Dark Knight sat. "Apparently there's a cycle to all of this. When the internet for one world progresses to the point that it develops its own internet, that's the time that He moves into that world, and takes it over. All the good stuff moves forward into the new universe, and so on and so forth, and it has been that way ever since, etcetera etcetera." Worley gestured with his hands, clearly approaching the limits of his understanding.

"So our world is ending?" asked the Dark Knight.

"No, it's just being taken over by this evil entity. All the good is leaving it, and moving into the new world. But our world will go on, it will just ... suck. I guess."

"So what's the deal with the Mark 69 already?" General Highway had grown impatient.

"Oh, yes. Well, this is why I believe this is important. See, this evil being, he can't take over a new world until it has run its course, and has created a new, new world for all the good stuff to move into. But this Mark 69 thing gives Him a chance to wipe all the good stuff out of the new world - our internet - before the new world can create another new world, and thus, He can break the cycle forever, and wipe out good .... forever."


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## Dleg (May 13, 2010)

"What do you mean, 'good'?" asked DK.

"Good question! According to Gore, basically, it's freedom. Under the rule of He Who Must Not Be Named, the world is all rules and no freedom. He decides everything for you. That's why he took out America. Too much freedom. It's too chaotic and messy for his kind of world. He wants everywhere to be more like ... like Europe, I guess."


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## Dleg (May 13, 2010)

Wolverine turned away from the bar, holding the bottle. "I can't take this anymore! You drop acid with Gore, or-"

"Mushrooms, to be specific" Worley interjected, deadpan.

"Mushrooms! Excellent! And you have some hallucination about seeing galaxies and stars and woooooo!" Wolverine waved his hands around in front of him. "You believe every word that fraud tells you!"

"Well how do you explain what we have seen so far, Wolvie?" Worley asked, indignant. "People's heads exploding? The US falling in a day?"

"I don't know! I have no explanation! I don't care what the explanation is! All I need to know is where this asshole is, so I can kill him!"


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## Dleg (May 13, 2010)

Worley set his glass down on the coffee table hard. "No! That is not enough this time, Wolverine! If you go barging in there, killing everyone in your way, and somehow He still manages to fire off the Mark 69, you may have personally sentenced the entire multiverse to an eternity of boredom and toil! Don't you understand? No more porn! No more dirty jokes! No more goofing off! No more Metallica! NO MORE BEER!"

Wolverine dropped his glass. Highway gasped. Even the Dark Knight raised an eyebrow.


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## Dleg (May 13, 2010)

"Wait a minute," Wolverine looked puzzled. "How does the internet provide beer?"

Worley had grown impatient. "I've already told you! He Who Must Not Be Named aims to take over _all _worlds, not just the internet! By taking over the internet, before the internet creates a new internet, he controls everything! No more beer, in no worlds, forever!"

"Well why didn't you just say that in the first place? I'm sold." Wolverine looked around the room. DK and General Highway nodded in approval.


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## Dleg (May 13, 2010)

Worley stood again. "Well OK then. We need to follow the trail of the walrus fudger, since we haven't found anything else, at all, on any of the other islands out there. And we need to find a way to get you and a team on that island. And that's not going to be easy." He turned and walked to the window again, looking out at the driving snow.

"Why not? Just drop me and the Dark Knight on the beach from a V-40, and we'll take care of walrus boy. And, NO seals this time! I don't want to get shot again."

"Well, see, that's the problem..." Worley cleared his throat. "We accidentally rolled the last V-40 off the treadmill yesterday."

Wolverine rolled his eyes, but was no longer surprised by tales of aircraft, equipment, and people being conveyed accidentally overboard. "Fine, send us by helicopter."

Worley looked down and cleared his throat again. "We... lost the last helicopter a week ago."

"Parachute us in from an S-3, or a C-17?"

"Nope. All gone."

"Do you have_ anything_ left that can fly us off this piece of shit?"

"Honestly?" Worley sipped from his glass, phrasing his response in his mind. "We have only one aircraft left, the photo-recon F-35 that took those pictures. It carries one pilot only." He swirled the ice cubes around again. "There is one other way, but it's risky."

"I hope you understand if I don't trust my life to anything _you_ consider 'risky'. Don't you have a boat we could take on shore? The ship's launch?"

Worley turned back to face Wolverine. "Yes. Technically it is a flying boat, but ... Yes."


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## Dleg (May 13, 2010)

"General Highway?" Worley turned to face the couch where the General was seated. "Take Wolverine and DK down to the _Nimitz_ to see it. Call Freon and make sure it's ready to go."

General Highway stood and walked toward the bar, where six polished brass and ivory phones were mounted, one connected to each of the six nuclear aircraft carriers that had been used to float the _Clinton's_ treadmill runway. He lifted the receiver of the phone labeled 'Nimitz' and dialed zero on the rotary dial.


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## Dleg (May 13, 2010)

Map of Sub Pen Attached. As of 10k Page 121.

(in case it's not clear - it's all underground, built into the bedrock of the island.)


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

President Dleg, his cabinet members, Big Ray, and MA_PE had been walking the streets of Washington for hours, attempting to make their way to what was once the Kennedy Center. The crowds of British and other European settlers they were trying to blend in with were too well controlled for them to just make a break without being noticed by the soldiers, who stood watch on almost every corner.

They were currently stuck in a large crowd of new settlers walking up 14th street past the National Museum of American History, which had already had its sign removed and replaced with a sign that identified it as the UN Centre for New England Cultural Preservation.

"Those barbarians!" Dleg could no longer contain himself. He stopped in the street, the crowds passing around him.

"Sir!" Secretary of State Frazil whispered. "We need to keep moving! We can't let them catch on to who we might be!"


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

Contrary to the experiences of MA_PE and Big Ray, the cabinet had discovered that the occupying troops were indeed looking for survivors, specifically, Dleg and any surviving members of his cabinet.

Dleg settled down and they rejoined the crowds, headed across Constitution Avenue. As they passed, they saw a road crew removing the street sign, and replacing it with a new sign and security camera combination. The new street name was "Bog Roll Avenue"

"God _DAMN_ them!" Dleg fumed.


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

They made it across the street and began walking past the National Aquarium. Frazil sniffed the air. "That... that smells delicious! What is it?"

As they got closer, the saw dozens of food carts on the sidewalk, with vendors shouting "Fish and Chips!"

"That does it! No more!" Dleg ran forward, away from the cabinet members, and began knocking over fish and chip carts, punching vendors in the face, and screaming obscenities. "Get the fudge out of my country, you murderous Limeys!"


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

Two Bobbies ran quickly to the scene of the commotion, and knocked Dleg to the pavement in a matter of seconds. A third Bobbie arrived on their heels, and retrieved Dleg's wallet as the other two cuffed the struggling President.

"Well well! What do we have here? The President of the United States!"

A squad of armed soldiers had arrived by then.


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

Dleg's cabinet members had been left behind in the crowd, and struggled to move forward to see what was happening. National Sexual Exploits Reporting Board Chairman Supe elbowed his way forward as politely as he could, but was still several meters back from where he would be able to see anything.

He saw an opening to his right, and moved for it. It led him to the street, which was largely empty, but as soon as he stepped onto the pavement, a high-pitched horn sounded and a British paddy wagon rushed past him.

"Hey! Drive on the right side of the road next time, you idiot!" Supe yelled after the driver.

"There's another one! Get him!" Supe was knocked to the ground and handcuffed almost immediately.


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

Dleg and Supe were loaded into the paddy wagon and hauled off. Many more soldiers and police had arrived and were directing pedestrian traffic around the scene of the commotion.

Secretary of State Frazil tried to blend with the crowd, walking past a group of three soldiers who were waving everyone around an overturned fish and chips cart. One of the soldiers looked her up and down and whistled. Frazil turned and smiled politely, revealing a perfect set of pearly white teeth.

"I've got another one over here!" The three soldiers seized her and led her to an armored personnel carrier.


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

MA_PE, Big Ray, Snickerd, csb, Slugger, and FLBuff were all that were left. Wisely, they kept their heads down and moved along with the crowd, avoiding eye contact with soldiers and policemen, as the crowd continued on toward the White House again, which despite being burned out, had been re-painted and looked, from the outside, to be intact. Work crews busily coming in and out revealed that work was still being done, and truckloads of furniture and even clothes being carried inside indicated that someone was moving in.

The crowd began to disperse, with some returning back toward the mall, and others moving elsewhere, or pausing to take pictures. The group of survivors saw no nearby soldiers or police, so they decided to stop and discuss what to do, at an unoccupied park bench some distance beyond the White House, near St. John's newly re-named Anglican Church.


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

Snickerd sat heavily on the bench and, hanging her head in her hands, said "I wish Vice President Road Guy was here!"

Slugger sighed. "He was scuba diving down in the Keys. I suppose he might have survived the rage attack, but the zombies? And the invasion forces?" He shook his head.

"So what are we gonna do, sit around and feel sorry for those guys? Fudge that! Let's get to the Kennedy Center and find that disco ball! I need beer already!" Big Ray gestured into the distance beyond the Cathedral.

"Yeah? Well what do you think is going to happen to us if we just walk right up there? You've seen these guys in action. Take one step away from the crowd, or talk in your Joisey accent, and you'll get arrested." Said FLBuff.

MA_PE stared at the nearby cathedral and smiled. "Look at that!"


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

"Yeah, I see that asshole. Fudge Him!" Big Ray spat. A giant banner had been hung from the front of St. John's Cathedral. Huge lettering across the top proclaimed "TONIGHT ONLY! ZOMBIE GLADIATOR ROLLER DERBY!" And, in smaller type just below an image of a pasty, freckled man with bad teeth and greasy hair, "Official Welcoming Ceremony for the New Governor of the Virgina Colony, CarlitoUK"

MA_PE continued. "Keep reading."

Everyone squinted. Below the larger text was a smaller line that read "8:00 p.m. at the Sarah Palin CocaCola Center."

"That's how we get in!"


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

Cutiepie and the Thin Man had been waiting inside a conference room in the sub pen for over an hour. The Thin Man had almost finished the liquid in his flask, and Cutiepie had not stopped talking the entire time.

"i dont no why people say its imorrel to have sex with animles probabley because they never tried lol. theres nothing wrong with it as long as you make sure the animle enjoys it to. heres what i carry with me to make the walrus enjoy it" he pulled out a dart pistol and held up a large tranquilizer dart "at the very leest they dont feel any pain and they wake up they dont no what happend. it all works out fine ive been dooing it for years and nothing bad has ever happend." he rubbed at a sore on the corner of his mouth. "well there was that one time in fairbanks when they foud that walrus baby with the human hedd but i think the guy who found it got famous and had it stuffed and got it into a circus and made fatty cash from it so i dont see what the problem is. i can take you up there with me next time if you -"

The door opened and Darth HVAC entered the room, followed by red-suited stormtroopers carrying spears and wearing capes. The red guards lined up inside the entrance and held their spears at attention, as a dark, hooded figure entered the room behind them.


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

The old man spoke in a deep, croaking voice. "Shut Up, Ripperson!" He made his way around the other side of the conference table, another Death Star imitation, and seated himself next to Darth HVAC.

"Welcome to Phase II, gentlemen. Do as you're told, and you will be rewarded." A sick smile spread across his ancient face.


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

Wilheld sat with his hands still bound behind him, inside a makeshift prison cell fabricated from galvanized water pipe, inside one of the several concrete warehouses fronting the berthing area. Candy sat, similarly bound, in the next cell. Someone else was in another cell beyond Candy, lying on the floor in a heap, under what looked like a walrus skin.

"That was so brave of you, Wil! You're so romantic!" Candy beamed.

"Well, you know...."

They were cut short by the arrival of the stormtrooper commander with six escorting troopers. "TK 439!" She barked, in the oddly male sounding, amplified voice from the helmet. "You stand accused of treason, and have been sentenced to death! Your sentence shall be carried out as soon as I can get the executioner in here!" The commander turned and left, with her full escort.


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

"Oh! Oh! Oh my God!" Wilheld broke down in tears.

"Don't cry, Willy! We'll always have those ... two minutes!"

A stormtrooper wearing a black cape and carrying a large fire axe walked briskly up to the cell door.

"No! Not yet! That's too fast! I haven't had a chance ot even say goodbye!"

The trooper raised the axe and swung downward with tremendous force, knocking the lock off the door. The caped stormtrooper removed her helmet, revealing a rich mane of blonde hair and a face that belonged on the cover of Vogue. "Come on, Candy! We're holding a union meeting in Warehouse 5! We need you in there!"


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

Wilheld regained his composure immediately. "Wait, what? A union? Aw, no, Candy, you can't ..."

"What's wrong, sweetheart? You know they treat us like crap here! They were going to kill me!"

"Well, I know, but, a union? You know I'm the Captain of an anarcho-capitalist sub!"

"Yes, and I've seen how you bargain with your crew for everything. It seems to me that a union would fit right in with the anarcho-capitalist philosphy. After all, there's no rules, right?"

"Well, I'm just personally against unions simply because of what they have become. The anarchist side of me would be against the formation of coalitions to represent the good of the whole, since anarchy depends on personal responsibility to a great degree. The capitalist side of me would be against unions because they affect the price of goods artificially, you know, they cause a shift in the supply and demand curves instead of just a move along the curves because they cause the price of manufacturing goods to increase without a change in demand. And Adam Smith - "

Candy leaned through the bars of his cell and kissed him passionately on the lips, then turned and walked away with the caped stormtrooper

"Uh, OK, have a nice time at your union meeting! Sweetheart!"


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## Dleg (May 14, 2010)

"Oh my, she's certainly a pretty one." The voice of an elderly woman came from the person under the walrus skin, 2 cells over from Wilheld.

"Yeah, she's pretty hot, huh?"

The woman sat up and looked Wilheld's direction. "I suppose you didn't come here to rescue me."

Wilheld was shaken from his post-kiss fog, and looked her way. "I don't think so, but should I have? Who are you?"

"I was once the Queen of England."

(page 138)


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## Dleg (May 15, 2010)

klk stood behind a podium made of two taser rifle containers stacked together. Over 500 stormtroopers were seated before her, and more were entering the room every second. As each entered, they were asked to remove their helmets. Without exception, every single one of them was extraordinarily beautiful. But klk was not intimidated. She knocked on the makeshift podium with her white armored fist to get their attention.

"Thank you for coming!" She shouted.

The crowd slowly settled down, as the recent arrivals took their seats or found places to stand along the sides of the concrete warehouse.

"How many of us have been asked to perform degrading sexual acts as part of our job?" Every one in the room raised their hands.

"How many of you enjoyed it?" All of the hands dropped.

"How many of you knew you didn't have to do those things?" No hands went up, but the room grew noisier with the murmurs of increased interest.

"I'm here to tell you that if we all say no, there's nothing they can make us do, that we don't want to!" Even more noise rose from the crowd.

A beautiful Asian woman about halfway toward the back of the room spoke up. "If we say no, Darth HVAC will fire us!"

A hot redhead across the room spoke. "Yeah! He even banishes us if we get pregnant!"

A svelte Indian woman in the front row said "and everyone knows that stormtrooper armor can be molded in any shape, including maternity armor!"

klk banged her fist on the podium again to stop the increasing murmuring. "That asshole can't do any of that if we don't let him! We're going on strike!" She raised her armored fist into the air. "Who's with me!"

The room erupted into an organized roar, as every stormtrooper present pumped their fists and taser rifles in the air. "Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!"


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## Dleg (May 15, 2010)

Ripperson was just approaching the stormtrooper guard outside the warehouse as the chanting started.

"hey sweetcakes you wanna go in that room over there and let me stick it up your pooper?"

The stormtrooper immediately smashed the butt of her taser rifle into his gut sending him to the floor. He managed to dodge the head kick that followed, but quickly saw he was outnumbered, as the striking, helmetless troopers poured out of the warehouse.

"Ahhhhh!" He screamed, and turned and ran for the end of the dock, with the mob hot on his heels. He ducked inside the last warehouse door, and headed for the rear to the service tunnel door, just barely locking it behind him.

"oh hey, this is the tunnel up to the surface this must be my lucky day i can still get some walrus poontang!"


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## Dleg (May 15, 2010)

Being exceptionally single-minded, Ripperson forgot about the commotion behind him, and began working his way up the long, rock tunnel toward the surface. The tunnel had been blasted from hard rock for some portions, but followed a wide fault for the last section, which was almost a kilometer in length.

As he approached the exit cave, and the cold of the surface hit him with the familiar smell of the walruses, sea lions, and sea birds, he suddenly realized that he did not have his tranquilizer gun with him. Oh well, he thought, Old Nellie ought to be pretty used to him by now, so there shouldn't be any trouble.

He squinted his eyes as he walked out onto the rocky slopes of the island, adjusting to the white light of the blowing snow. He walked down the pathway and saw her, lying placidly on her side, a little ways apart from the rest of the walruses. Old Nellie!


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## Dleg (May 15, 2010)

"hey old nellie! be a good girl and roll over there for me"

Old Nellie turned her massive, heavily jowled and whiskered head to face Ripperson, who was in the process of removing his pants. Old Nellie remembered this human. The last few times she had seen him, she had fallen asleep and woke up with a horrible headache. This had happened twice a day for the past day and a half, and because of that, Old Nellie had not been able to eat. So, when she saw it, she immediately was reminded of the sardines that were her favorite snack, and reached over and bit it off.


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## Dleg (May 15, 2010)

Ripperson screamed in pain, startling Old Nellie, who then whacked him with her tail, sending him slamming into a nearby boulder, breaking every bone in his body.


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## Dleg (May 15, 2010)

Darth HVAC was busy in the command center, preparing for the beginning of Phase II, when two gray-suited technicians approached him.

"Lord HVAC! We have bad news, sir!."

HVAC turned and faced them "Oh? _skuhh-huhhhhhh_"

The technicians, wearing imitation deathstar officer's caps, looke at each other nervously. The senior technician spoke. "Sir, the stormtroopers are on strike!"

"Whaaat?!"

"They have taken the sub docks and all the main passageways! They're extremely angry and violent , sir!"

"Well, stop them! They can't do that, they all signed contracts saying they would not participate in a union! _skuhhh-huhhhh"_

"Lord HVAC, we tried! They tasered six of us, and we had to retreat to the sphere room!"

"Are the spheres safe?"

"Yes sir, we closed the blast doors behind us."

"But that's not all, sir." The second technician swallowed hard and spoke. "Master Ripperson went up to the surface, and was attacked by a walrus. Our security cameras caught the whole thing. We think he might be dead!"

"WHAAAAAATTTT???!!!"


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## Dleg (May 15, 2010)

"Send a team to retrieve him. Immediately!"

"But, Lord HVAC, by the time we get there he'll either be dead from the injuries, or more likley frozen to death! It's 40 below out there!"

"_skuhh-huhhhhh _My Master needs Ripperson to conduct Phase II. Bring him to me! Dead or alive! I will hold you personally responsible if he is not returned to the sphere room in the next thirty minutes! _skuhh-huhhhh_"

"Yes sir!" The two technicians returned through the door to the service tunnels.

HVAC turned and walked to the door on the side labeled "Evil Emperor". He hesitated for a moment, "_skuhh-huhhhh_", then turned the handle and entered the room.


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## Dleg (May 16, 2010)

"What is it, my apprentice?" croaked the dark, hooded figure, seated in his throne.

Darth HVAC knelt and bowed his head. "Master, Ripperson the Asinine has wandered outside and has been badly injured by an enraged walrus. I am afraid he may be dead._skuhh-huhhhhh_ "

"Yeessss.... I foresaw this. It is in his nature. Just collect his body and place it in the sphere. He may be dead in this world, but the Dorcs can repair him in Middle West."

"And one other thing, Master. The stormtroopers are revolting. _skuhh-huhhhh_"

"What? I thought you chose only the most beautiful during your recruiting trips to Vegas. You are not pleased with them? I would say that is your own fault, then, apprentice."

"No, Master, I mean they have formed a union and have taken up arms against us. _skuhh-huhhhhh_"

"Oh, I thought you meant... What?? How could you let this happen? Have they takend control of the spheres?"

"No. The spheres are locked safely away, and we can still access them from the service tunnels. But, we have been separated from Timak the Self Righteous. _skuhh-huhhhhh_"

"This is not good, apprentice! You know how unstable he is! Almost worse than Ripperson! You must get him before something happens! We need them for our plan to work!"

"Yes, Master. _skuhhh-huhhhhhh_"

"And prepare the spheres for our entrance! We must accelerate our plans now!"


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## Dleg (May 16, 2010)

"Whatcha doing, Goredalff?"

VTEnviro rubbed his eyes in the bright morning sunlight of the castle gardens. He was hungover from the heavy ale drinking the night before.

"Good morning VT!" Goredalff was bent over in the garden, carefully pulling up flowers and placing them inside one of several boxes he had brought with him. "I'm taking living samples of every type of plant and animal in Middle West."

"What for?"

"Just in case."

"Just in case what?"

"Just in case we somehow survive what is coming. We will need to repopulate Middle West, so I am taking a male and female sample of everything."


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## Dleg (May 16, 2010)

"Here, you can help me." Goredalff stood and walked toward a garden pathway that ran through a small rise behind the castle, exposing a rocky slope. He stooped and lifted a rock, revealing a large number of wriggling, slimy life forms.

"Ewww, what are those, Goredalff?"

"LOL! Those are tub girls and goatses, VT. They only live under rocks. There are lots of other things that live under rocks, and to be complete, we need samples of them, too. I have a feeling you might be pretty good at finding these types of things." Goredalff handed VTEnviro an empty sample box. "Here you go!"


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## Dleg (May 16, 2010)

VT stooped and began collecting the wriggling things from under the rocks, working his way toward the exposed rock face in the narrower cut. He found lemonparties, meatspins, 2G1Cs, and all manner of less glamorous life forms. "Disgusting!" he said. But he secretly enjoyed his task.

Soon he made it to the rock face, and found fewer loose rocks to look under. He walked along the path, examining the cut for signs of worm holes or other burrows. Something caught his eye near his feet. It was buried in a layer of rock and had a long, hard edge. He knelt down and brushed away the dust and pebbles from it, revealing what looked to be a long, perfectly rectangular piece of rock, about 3 feet long and 4 inches square. He pulled at one end, and it suddenly came free in his hands. A smaller rock cube fell out from behind it, about 4 inches square.

"What the hell is this?"


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## Dleg (May 16, 2010)

Goredalff looked over his shoulder and called out to him from the garden. "Fossils!"

"What? It looks more like a brick!"

Goredalff stood and walked over to examine the object. "Well, that's quite a find there, VT!"

"What is it?"

"A perfectly preserved set of Pong bones!"


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## Dleg (May 16, 2010)

"Pong bones?" VT examined the fossils with a look of confusion on his face. "You mean like that old videogame, Pong?"

"Yes, the old game. That is one of the oldest relics you can find in this world, and dates from previous attempts to create it."

"Someone tried to create a world based on Pong?" VT asked, incredulously.

"LOL! Yes. It was one of my old college roommates from Harvard. He teamed up with a buddy from MIT and they created the initial framework for this world, and moved into it themselves in 1975."

"Really? What happened to them?"

"Oh, they died of starvation within a week or so." Goredalff sighed. "Someday some future paleontologist is going to find their bones and really be blown away! LOL!"


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## Dleg (May 16, 2010)

VTEnviro stared at Goredalff in confusion. Goredalff sighed again and explained. "You see, there was nothing to eat in the Internet back then. You could only play Pong. You just didn't have the biodiversity you have nowadays. Come." Goredalff motioned VT to follow him, as he walked slowly down the pathway, deeper into the rock cut. The layers of rock dipped downward in the direction they moved, revealing thick layers of more recent rock.

"See here, these are thick, almost homogeneous deposits of e-mails. This is really what laid the basis for the life we have in this world today. It formed our atmosphere."

Goredalff walked a little further, and pointed his staff at another thick layer that was different in color from the first. "Here is where the Usenet posts began to accumulate, adding additional gases to the atmosphere, enabling some of the more rudimentary forms of life. Aha!" He stopped, and tapped a dark boundary, followed by a thick, variegated layer of rock beyond. "Here is where bulletin boards and newsgroup postings began. This is where we began to see the first forms of complex life."

VT moved forward a bit and touched a long, rounded object protruding from the rock. "What's this?" He pulled, and an enormous pelvic bone fell to the pathway. "Holy crap, Goredalff, there were giants here?"

"LOL, No. That's the skull of a vaginasaur!"


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## Dleg (May 16, 2010)

Figure something point something: Vaginasaur skull.


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## Dleg (May 16, 2010)

"Holy crap, Goredalff! That thing is huge! And look at those teeth! Are they still out there?"

"LOL, no. They went extinct about 65 million cycles ago. Once the world wide web came into being, life evolved at a tremendous rate in here, undergoing almost countless iterations, up to the point where we are today."

"Well, when did you move in here, Goredalff? When did the Internet become capable of supporting human habitation?"


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## Dleg (May 16, 2010)

"Human habitation? I thought by now you would understand that we aren't in here as humans, my dear hobbit! Apples and oranges! Different universe!"

"Well OK, when did the Internet become" VT gestured to everything around him, "this? You know, a whole world?"

"Gradually! There was no moment, per se, when the Internet suddenly became a whole new world. It started as another world to begin with. But, it was sometime around 2006, in the human world, that it attained independence."

"What the hell?" VT was really confused now.

"LOL! You know, independent from the the comings and goings of the human world. When it became a free, sustainable, new world. And that's when _He_ became interested in it, and when Lindor became the dark place that it is now."


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## Dleg (May 16, 2010)

"You mean Lindor wasn't always like that? You know, all dark and stinky and gaseous and full of Dorcs?" Asked VT,

"LOL! No, Lindor was once the bright and thriving center of activity here in Middle West. But once _He_ saw that the Internet had achieved independence and opened the gateway to his potential domination of all worlds, he banished all that was good from his territory."

"And is that when this castle was built, and the fight against Lindor began?"

"You are finally catching on, VT! But there really wasn't ever a 'fight,' to speak of. He was an annoyance, and his territory a place to be avoided, but it was not necessary to destroy him, or even to be particularly vigilant. It was only recently, when the Three Who Shall Not Be Named were joined with Him, that Lindor began to rise in force. And now, it is very likely that Lindor will destroy all of Middle West, making it exactly like Lindor."

"You mean dark, stinky, gaseous, and full of Dorcs?"

"Yes."


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## Dleg (May 16, 2010)

Goredalff turned and walked back out of the rock cut toward the garden, motioning for VT to follow him. "And that, VT, is why we must prepare to preserve what we can, if possible, of our precious ecosystem."

"You mean this stuff?" VT looked in his box with a half-feigned look of disgust.

"Yes, that stuff, and all the vulva flowers, and lesbian bananas, and penis fish, and metallica birds. Everything." Goredalff stopped and crouched down to VT's level and gripped him suddenly by the shoulders. "If I don't survive this, and you do, I need you to promise me you will guard these samples for the rest of your life, and pass on your duty to someone else! Even if we lose, there may come a time that we can restore Middle West to what it is now!"

A distant roll of thunder echoed across Middle West from the direction of Lindor.

"Y- Y - Yes, Goredalff, I promise!"


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## Dleg (May 16, 2010)

General Highway escorted Wolverine and the Dark Knight on their long journey through the tunnels and elevators of the _USS Clinton _to the hangar deck of the _USS Nimitz_, which was one of six nuclear aircraft carriers used to float the _Clinton's _massive treadmill runway. Currently, they were descending from the lowermost maintenance deck of the Clinton, through a flexible elevator shaft, directly through the former flight deck of the _Nimitz_. The flexible shaft swayed and shook violently as the _Nimitz_ plowed through the massive arctic storm swell. Wolverine gripped the handrails inside the elevator cab and shook his head.

"Don't worry. This baby's as solid as it gets!" Major General SapperPE boasted, still proud of the massive, and now aircraftless aircraft carrier. "Kevo and his structural team designed this baby to withstand 100 foot seas! And believe me, that came in handy when the Antarctic ice sheets slid into the ocean in 2012!"

The Dark Knight stood silent, watching out the window as they passed through the deck and into the hangar bay .

"Here we are!" announced General Highway, as the elevator made a ding-dong sound and the door slid open. The floor under them was pitching much worse than up on the Clinton, which was insulated from the movement by the massive support structure.

"So where's our seaplane?" Asked Wolverine, seeing nothing resembling what he was expecting.

"Flying Boat!" Highway Corrected him. "Its right over there!"


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## Dleg (May 17, 2010)

"Oh come on, not again!" Wolverine walked forward across the pitching hangar deck, headed toward what looked like a ship's launch on a trailer, with a couple of rocket engines strapped to its hull.

Two men were seated near the boat, playing chess on a magnetic board. One of them, dressed in coveralls, stood and addressed them "Gentlemen! Welcome to the oil spill containment and mitigation department!"

"Freon!" General Highway shook the man's hand. "Is it ready to go?"

"As ready as it's ever going to be, I guess."

"Oh wonderful!" Complained Wolverine. "A rocket lifeboat!"

"Technically it's a 32 foot Boston Whaler, rocket-deployable spill containment system." Freon said, smiling with pride.

"A spill containment boat?" The Dark Knight looked at Freon skeptically. "Where's the boom?"

Freon walked to the stern and pulled out a 12 foot section of boom. "Here!"

"That's absurd! What kind of spill can 12 feet of boom contain?" asked Wolverine.

"Pretty much nothing." Replied Freon. "I just do what I'm told. It's great for fishing, though!"

(p.142)


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

"Freon here was put on a special assignment by his company back in 2013 to man the Continental Shelf Rapid Oil Spill Response Program." General highway explained.

"You mean the program President Palin paid 3.5 Trillion dollars for?" Wolverine scoffed.

"Yes. This is it." Freon stood in front of the rocket propelled Boston Whaler, crossed his arms, and smiled.

"This is it? As in, this is the entire program?"

"Yep!"

"Enough chit chat, gentlemen!" General Highway interjected. "Freon, we need you to get us onto that island."


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Wolverine and General Highway were suited up in Arctic Ocean survival suits, and were standing near the Boston Whaler on the treadmill deck of the Clinton, as Freon and his crew of dedicated technicians readied it for launch. The Dark Knight had declined the bulky suits, claiming his Bat suit already protected his from the elements.

"Gentlemen!" Freon addressed the three. "You are all going to need these," he handed each a bright red crash helmet, "and you're going to need to buckle up. The acceleration is a _bitch_!" He climbed the small boarding ladder into the boat and sat in the modified captain's chair, buckling himself in using the six-point harness. He motioned for them to seat themselves in the other three chairs.

Highway and the Dark Knight climbed aboard and buckled up, but Wolverine declined. "I'm pretty sure I can hold on." He held up his claws and grumbled.

"Well OK, then, gentlemen." Freon continued, as he began to power up the instruments and motor heaters. "I suggest you hold on tight." He pressed a large red button, and the rocket motors ignited.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Wolverine immediately tumbled backward over the seat and then over the outboard engines from the force of the acceleration, catching himself only by stabbing three claws through the port propeller, ruining it.

The rocket boat accelerated upward toward apogee at an altitude of approximately 20,000 feet, where the engines cut off and the boat and crew became suddenly weightless as it began its ballistic descent.

"Pretty exciting, isn't it, gentlemen?" Freon smiled. Wolverine clawed his way back into his seat and buckled in.

"Jesus Christ! Now what, we just free-fall into the ocean?"

Freon just laughed.

The rocket boat was now accelerating downward at tremendous speed, beginning to shudder from the extreme velocity in the thin, cold air above the clouds.

"Why is is shaking like that?" asked General Highway, alarmed.

"Buffeting! We're approaching the speed of sound, and the Boston Whalers were never designed for supersonic travel!" Freon laughed again, as the buffeting became worse.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

General Highway was seated next to Freon behind the center console, and looked for the airspeed indicator - 708 mph! The boat was rapidly approaching the cloud tops. "How do we even know where we're going?!"

"We don't!" Freon laughed again, a little more maniacally than before. "It's all in the initial trajectory! We better pray I did my ballistics calculations correctly!"

They had now entered the clouds, when suddenly the sound of something releasing from the stern was heard, and the boat began decelerating. "Drogue chute!" explained Freon.

They continued to slow. 500 mph. 400 mph 300 mph. The clouds grew darker. Highway did a quick mental calculation. "We're not slowing enough! Are you sure-"

His question was cut off by the violent deceleration caused by the main chutes opening, right as they passed through the bottom of the cloud layer. They were at about 3,000 feet and were drifting toward a rugged, snowy island.

"Right on target!" exclaimed Freon, proudly.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

"I don't know about that!" replied Wolverine. "Isn't this thing supposed to be a boat? it looks to me like we're headed for land."

He was right. The boat was still at 1,000 feet when it crossed over the walrus-covered beach. ""Well then, gentlemen, it looks like I'm going to be setting you down a little closer to the target than intended!" Freon laughed again.

"There! I see him!" the Dark Knight suddenly unhitched himself from the seat harness and jumped overboard, his batwings deploying and allowing him to glide down toward what looked like a human figure lying on the ground near a lone walrus, some distance inland from the beach.

"Damn that Dark Knight!" cursed Wolverine.

"Gentlemen, I believe we may have a problem!" Announced Freon. The combination of a sudden updraft of wind caused by the island and the lighter weight that resulted from the departure of the Dark Knight had allowed the boat to rise upward. They were now approaching the sheer ridgeline that separated the island into two parts. "This may be unpleasant!"

The boat slammed into the side of the knife-edged ridge, and was dragged violently upwards by the parachutes, ripping away the starboard railings and the canopy supports in the process.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

The boat caught on the top of the ridge and slowly tipped toward the other side, as the cargo chutes continued to drag in the wind.

"Oh crap!" shouted General Highway.

The boat was suddenly free of the ridge and falling rapidly down the other side. It was caught by the chutes and swung and spun wildly in the wind.

Freon reached for the instrument panel and flipped a switch, activating the retro-rocket system which rapidly stabilized the swinging motions and set the boat softly down onto a rocky, snow-blown slope.

"Oh crap!" repeated Highway.

"Oh great! Now we're trapped on the other side of the island!" Wolverine dismounted from the boat and looked up at the towering ridge above them. It was sheer rock and ice.

Freon had climbed down from behind him. "Maybe these gentlemen can help us."

"Huh?" Wolverine turned to see a small group of people approaching them, dressed heavily in native walrus-skin coats.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

The Dark Knight's winged landing had startled the female walrus badly, and she moved away as fast as she could, groaning and hissing in his direction. There was no man, only an empty, bloodied survival suit. DK threw it back down on the ground and attempted to follow the path up into the rocks. It did not take long to find the cave entrance, and the path inside was obvious. He made his way carefully through the open fault area, and then into the blasted tunnel, and finally came to a large cavern housing a concrete building, which was mounted on giant springs.

There was a door at the corner of the building with a set of steel steps leading up to it. He stepped up and pulled a device from his bat belt. It was a small television monitor with a tiny camera on a flexible probe. He slid the probe under the bottom edge of the door and viewed the monitor. It revealed a large, empty warehouse. He retrieved the probe and returned down the steps. The rock cavern was open on all sides of the concrete warehouse, so he walked around the corner and saw that there were several similar concrete buildings, each with a door. He quickly deduced that he was inside some sort of service access tunnel.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

DK walked along the rocky service passage, probing doorways as he came to them. Most were empty, but in a few he saw what looked like women dressed in stormtrooper costumes, coming and going. He made a run around the end of two long buildings, and came finally to a very large room, where the passage ended with a concrete wall poured directly against the rock. He found the nearest service entrance and inserted the camera probe.

There were four large, transparent spheres suspended in the center of the room. Some sort of device that looked like a torpedo was mounted on a cart at the far end of the room, with all manner of cabling connected to it. A large number of men in gray suits worked around it and the spheres. Under one sphere, he saw what appeared to be a man in a Darth Vader costume, watching as four men lifted a naked body up into an opening at the bottom of the sphere.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

He moved the probe some more and saw someone else entering the large room. It was a short man in a black, hooded robe, and he was surrounded by six people in red armored suits with capes and spears. This group approached the man in the Darth Vader suit, who then lifted the robed figure up to the point that his head entered the opening in the sphere where the naked body had just been inserted. He was lowered down shortly afterward.

DK moved the probe again, and saw a group of more than ten men in gray suits running toward the door, carrying assault rifles. He rapidly withdrew the probe and slid silently into the darkness under the concrete building next to one of the suspension springs, readying two bat-boomerangs for action.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

The squad of gray-suited technicians descended the steps and moved rapidly down the rock passage. DK stepped from the darkness and followed them.

They ran around the end of one long building and entered the space between it and the next. DK stopped at the corner and watched. The leader of the group pulled a paper from his uniform pocket and stopped about halfway down the corridor, and then pointed to one of several doorways on the side of the building. The other technicians readied their rifles, and the leader moved up the steps and turned the handle.

They entered through the door firing their weapons, and soon returned, pushing a ragged, thin man with a goatee in front of them. The man was hysterical and was pulling his hair and attempting to return to the door. The technicians restrained him, and half-carried him away as he struggled and cried.

"They took it! They took it and I needs it back!"

"What did they take, sir?" Asked the lead technician.

_"MY PRECIOUSSSS!"_


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

The armed technician squad manhandled the maniacal thin man down the corridor, past where DK was hiding. So, he thought, TMack is off the sauce again. That can't be good. But he said 'they' took his flask... maybe these 'they' people are worth talking to.

DK re-entered the corridor and made his way to where the rescue had just taken place. He inserted the camera probe and saw what appeared to be the inside of a cafeteria. Several tabeles were turned on their side near the far door, and a handful of stormtrooper-suited women stood guard from there.

He removed a tool from his belt and deftly picked the lock, and stepped through the door.

He was immediately hit with three taser darts, which buzzed harmlessly on his non-conductive batsuit. "It's Darth HVAC!" shouted one of the troopers, and suddenly thirty more troopers appeared through the double doors and began firing toward the Dark Knight.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

"Cease fire!" called one of the troopers. "It's not him! It's Bat Man!"

"The Dark Knight!" corrected DK.

"Don't move any closer! Who's side are you on?" challenged the trooper.

"Not Darth HVAC's." replied DK.

"Uh, are you union friendly?"

"What?"

"We're on strike, and we're not letting anyone through the picket lines!"

"I'm here to stop Darth HVAC and disarm the Mark 69!"

The helmetless stormtrooper picked up a communicator and called her supervisor. "Wait right there!" Thirty taser rifles were still aimed at the Dark Knight.

A moment later, a shorter stormtrooper entered the room and addressed DK. "You're here to disarm the Mark 69?"

"That's the plan."

"Well follow me, then. I'm Seaman klk, from the _Chucktown_."


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

The technician squad dragged the babbling TMack through the door the sphere room, and escorted him to the center of the room where Darth HVAC and the Emperor were standing.

"Oh how typical" croaked the Emperor. "If I didn't need these two, I would have cut them loose twelve universes ago."

"they tooks it and now I don't haves it anymore. My preciousssss!" TMack writhed on the floor.

The Emperor walked up to him and nudged him with his shoe. "You want your precious booze back, Timak the Self Righteous?? Get in the sphere and go get it!"

"my precious! its in there?" TMack/Timak looked up at him eagerly.

"Yes! It's in there! Goredalff has it!" The Emperor replied, as the six imperial guards lifted Timak into the second sphere. "Mwuahahahahaha!"

Darth HVAC joined in the evil cackling. "MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

"I beg your pardon, Master, but..."

"What is it, my apprentice?" croaked the Emperor, irritated by the interruption to his enjoyable cackling.

"How are we to carry out our plans in Middle West now? _skuhhh-huhhhhh_ Timak is off the sauce and Ripperson has been torn to pieces. Our plan required them to-"

"Our plan requires only their presence!' snapped the Emperor. "Besides, we could use them in there, to keep Goredalff and his garage band of monikers merrily occupied, while we wipe his presence out forever!"

"_skuhh-huhhhh_ So, the Mark 69 is the extent of our plan? What if the stormtroopers break through and somehow disarm it?"

"Together we can handle Goredalff ourselves, my apprentice! Never underestimate the power of the Dork Side! Mwuahahahahaha!"

"MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

MA_PE, Big Ray, Slugger, FLBuff, and snickerd had finally made it through the long admission lines and had taken their seats inside the former Kennedy Center, which was now the Sarah Palin-CocaCola Roller Derby Arena. Huge crowds had turned out for the gala, gladiator-zombie roller derby event - slash - welcoming ceremony for Governor Carlito. The only seats that were available by the time they made it through the que (it was no longer referred to as a "line") were in the very top row - the so-called nosebleed seats.

But this was all the better for them, as their main purpose was to find a way to access the giant disco ball which was suspended from the giant television monitors and Cocacola billboard mounted at the center of the ceiling, above the roller derby rink.

MA examined the structures above them as the crowd filtered in. There were six access catwalks radiating from the monitor structure, with numerous spotlights and disco lights attached. The catwalks were apparently accessed from a service hallway just above the top outer spectator hall. They would have to find a door to enter, later when things got noisier.

"I wish Dleg and Supe and frazil were still here." Snickerd said, sadly.

"I'm pretty sure they would have wanted us to go on with the mission." replied FLBuff. "You want some shepherd's pie and tea?"

"Fudge that shepherd's pie and tea crap!" cursed Big Ray. "I need a beer! I can't believe these assholes don't drink beer!"

"All part of the New Order." Slugger pulled a brochure from his pocket. "Says so right here in the program. Alcoholic beverages are now illegal."


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

A trumpet fanfare sounded from the center of the arena. A short, pasty man with freckles and greasy hair, wearing a corduroy sports coat with elbow patches, walked to edge of the Governor's box, waving to all those around him. The voice of a British sports announcer came on the PA.

"Good Evening New London! Please give a warm welcome to the new Governor of the Virginia Colony, Carlito UK!"

The crowd erupted in applause and cheering. The announcer continued.

"And as a special welcoming ceremony, we bring you our fabulous, flaming zombie roller derby tribute!" A group of twelve zombies on roller skates emerged from a side opening and began skating around the rink in perfect precision.

_"braiiiiinsssss!"_ They moaned.

A British soldier wearing a flamethrower stepped out from another opening on the opposite side of the rink, and shot a stream of fire across the formation as it skated past, setting the zombies alight. They continued skating in perfect formation for another half lap or so, before falling out of formation and dying, one by one. The crowd erupted in laughter and applause.

"Give it up for the fabulous flaming zombies!"

"Those barbarians!" fumed FLBuff.

"Wha? They're just zombies!" replied Big Ray.

"They were _American_ zombies!" replied Slugger, horrified.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, our next event! Bring out the prisoners!"

Drums played and the crowd roared as frazil and Supe were rolled to the rink and uncuffed by escorts, who quickly returned.

"Secretary of State frazil, and National Sexual Exploits Reporting Board Chairman Supe!" They skated slowly around the rink, looking very disoriented. The crowd booed and threw rotten cabbages and tomatoes at them.

"Oh my God!" snickerd raised her hands to her mouth. "We should do something!"

The drums began again and the announcer returned. "And their opponents! Former Secretary of State, Zombie Hillary Clinton!" Hillary entered the rink, decaying and moaning _"braaaiiiinnnnnsss!"_

"And hot on Hillary's heels, Zombie John Lovitz!"

A second announcer now joined in "He's a vicious one, too, look at him go!" Zombie John Lovitz skated furiously into the rink, snorting and blowing like a wild boar. The crowd went wild.

"Aren't they going to give them any weapons?" Asked Slugger. Four British soldiers with flamethrowers were stationed on platforms covering a quarter of the rink each, but frazil and Supe skated unarmed.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Frazil and Supe skated cautiously around the backside of the rink, as the zombies gained on them from the other side. Zombie John Lovitz was much faster, and came around the bend into view of the two cabinet members first. Supe positioned himself for defense, while Frazil crouched behind him, rolling slowly forward.

The crowd cheered zombie John Lovitz on, as he accelerated furiously toward the two, snorthing and blowing, attempting a full body slam. Supe managed to spin and deflect most of the energy of the collision, grabbing hold of zombie John Lovitz's collar, and ripping his decaying shirt partially away.

"Oh my! I didn't know John Lovitz had breasts!" Said the first announcer.

The second announcer corrected him. "I don't think that's Zombie John Lovitz out there! Wait, we have word coming into the announcer's booth.... That is actually Zombie Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan!"

"Whooopsie daisy!"

The crowd laughed and cheered as zombie Elena Kagan skated away, and zombie Hillary Clinton began her attack.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

_"braaaiiiinnnssssss"_ Zombie Hillary Clinton moaned and skated slowly toward Supe and Frazil.

"It looks like frazil is about to be schooled by - oh my, zombie Hillary Clinton has detached her own arm, and is swinging it over her head like a mace! This could get ugly!" The crowd roared wildly.

Frazil suddenly took the initiative and powered toward zombie Hillary Clinton, who swung viciously with the rotting limb, but missed. Instead, frazil caught it by the shoulder ball and pulled it free. The crowd reacted wildly.

"Oohhhhh! frazil has beaten her predecessor at her own game!"

"Who has the upper hand, now?" chimed in the second announcer.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

frazil was now separated from Supe, and zombie Elena Kagan saw her opportunity. She slingshot around the curve and came at Supe full-bore, ferociously body-checking him into the wall. The crowd reacted predictably: "ohhhhhh!"

"Ohhhhhhh! Now that's judicial activism!"

"No kidding! There'll be no appeal from that decision!"

Supe was down. But zombie Kagan's attack style was rather single-minded, as with most zombies, and she continued on around the rink, building speed for her next attack.

Frazil, meanwhile, had taken the fight to zombie Hillary Clinton, and was beating her vigorously about the head and shoulders with her own, rotting arm.

"Wow! I'd say diplomacy had failed!"

"Yes it certainly appears so! But I always thought the yanks needed an act of congress to attack like that!"


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

The crowd was in an uproar.

Though frazil clearly had the 'upper hand', she simply didn't have the strength to strike zombie Hillary Clinton with anything approaching the level of force that might sway the undead. Eventually, zombie Hillary overcame the brief confusion caused by the pummeling, and simply reached out and punched frazil in the face, sending her down onto the hard rink surface.

"Well, well! Negotiations have resumed!"

"Indeed! Maybe it's that blue dress that Secretary frazil is wearing!"

frazil tried to back away from the slowly approaching and enraged zombie Clinton, but was unable to get back on her feet. Nevertheless, she was able to crab along faster than Hillary, and soon closed the gap with the prone Supe.

"Supe! Supe wake up!" She slapped him around, and Supe came to.

"What is it, honey? You know I like the rough stuff, but don't you think you could have showered first?"

"Supe! You've got to wake up! Zombie Kagan's coming around again!" But Supe couldn't rise from his fog.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

The crowd was on their feet now, screaming and chanting "kill! kill! kill!"

Zombie Supreme Court Justice Kagan was barreling toward them from one direction, and zombie Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was lurching toward them from the other.

_"brrraaaaiiiiinnnnsssss!"_

"Oh come on Supe! I need your help! They're gonna kill us!" Frazil slapped the NSERB Chairman frantically, but Supe had fallen unconscious again.

Frazil covered her head with her arms and waited for the crash. But nothing happened. The crowd suddenly went silent, and then, in unison, broke out in a massive "Ewwwwwwww!"

Frazil looked up and was startled to see zombie Kagan and zombie Clinton in a tight embrace, passionately fondling and kissing each other. "Ewwww!" frazil rapidly moved away, pulling Supe with her.

The announcers were at a loss for words. "This.... this... Well, I've simply never seen anything like this!"

"I'm not even sure there's a protocol for something like this!"

The crowd had begun booing.

"There! Governor Carlito is giving the thumbs-down symbol!"

The two zombies were instantly immolated in a jet of flame from the nearest flamethrower. The crowd roared in approval.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

MA_PE had taken the opportunity to lead everyone from their seats and up onto the nearest service catwalk during the battle. They had made their way unnoticed to the center of the arena, and found themselves above the large rectangular, hollow monitor console, below which hung Gore's giant disco ball. A ladder led down inside the monitor system, and the disco ball was visible through an access hatch at the bottom. They had made it!

Snickerd stopped MA before he could descend the ladder. "We need to do something! We can't just leave frazil and Supe down there!"

"Well how are we supposed to get them up here?"

Admiral Elcid pointed below them. "Look! They're leading them to a holding pen in the center of the arena! Right below us!"

"Yeah, but that's at least fifty feet down from the ball! We can't get them up here, there's simply no way!" Big Ray replied, impatiently.

Outside, the crowd had calmed a bit, and the announcers came back on the PA. "And now, for the headline event of the evening, please welcome the President and Vice President of the United States of America!"

The crowd booed loudly. Snickerd looked at MA. "We can't leave now!"


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

"And facing off against Dleg and Roadguy, the meanest, nastiest, most vicious zombie of them all... Zombie President Sarah Palin!"

The crowd roared and cheered wildly, drums played, and pyrotechnics were lit. Snickerd climbed down into the monitor space and peered out an opening. Zombie Sarah Palin skated swiftly and purposefully, skating side to side like a shark, and screaming _"BRAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!"_

"What's nastier than a pitbull with lipstick?" Asked the first announcer.

"A zombie pitbull with lipstick?"

"Correct!"

Dleg and Roadguy had been let out of separate cells, and had not seen one another until just now.

"What the fudge happened while I was on vacation??" Asked Roadguy, bewildered by the situation he found himself in.

"Long story!" Dleg began skating away from the direction Palin was moving, as he watched her across the center of the arena.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Roadguy skated fast and caught up to him. "What's this I hear about secret UN bases throughout the US being used as a launching pad for this invasion?"

"They were here for exercizes! And I was going to tell you about that!"

The crowd was throwing things at them as they skated, and calling to them to turn around and fight.

"Why is Sarah Palin chasing us?" Roadguy looked across the arena to where zombie Palin was skating in her zig-zag.

_"BRAAAIIIIINNNNSSSS!"_

"Jesus! She's not looking so good!"

"Oh, you just noticed?" Dleg replied, sarcastically.

"Well, I always thought she was kind of hot."


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

"You're nuts!" Dleg skated faster, trying to match zombie Palin's increasing speed. "We need a plan of attack. Look at her! I thought she was terrible in real life. This! This just isn't fair!"

"We could teabag her!" Suggested Roadguy.

"Teabag? While that would certainly be poetic justice, I ain't putting my balls anywhere near _that_ mouth."

"Good point! But that wasn't what I meant. Maybe sandbag was the word I was looking for."

"So what's your plan!?"

"You lure her away, and I take her from behind!"


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Roadguy started skating quickly away, and Dleg slowed, allowing zombie Palin to gain on him. She continued to weave in her shark-attack style, apparently not being able to see very well.

_"BRRRAAAAAAAIIIINNNNNNSSSSSSS!"_

Dleg kept one eye on Roadguy, and one on zombie Palin, trying to time her arrival with Roadguy's attack. The crowd was growing impatient, and beginning to boo. The guards on the side began shooting brief spurts of flame into the air from their flamethrowers, in an attempt to spur the action on. Dleg decided to turn and face her. Roadguy would catch up soon enough.

"Eyyyyuuck!" Dleg was repulsed by zombie Pailn's half-decayed face. She had seen him, and suddeny accelerated for the attack.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Dleg attempted to deflect her attack, but was only partially successful, being spun to the ground to her side. She flailed at him wildly, screaming like a banshee. _"BRRRAAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSSSS"_

"Get her off of me!"

Roadguy had arrived by then, and lept into the air, intending to come down on zombie Palin's back with his skates, but she reacted with blazing speed, grabbing his skates and sending him to the floor.

The crowd roared.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Roadguy's fall had enabled Dleg to escape, and zombie Palin was hot on his tail. He skated away from her as fast as he could, but she was locked on target.

"Zombie Palin's got Dleg on the run!" shouted the first announcer.

"Yes she does!! But look! She's stopping to accept something from a fan! What is that?"

"If I'm not mistaken, that's the original Constitution of the United States of America!"

"No! It couldn't be!"

"I think it is! Governor Carlito was the one who gave it to her!"

Zombie Palin rolled the Constitution tightly and accelerated to catch up to Dleg.

"She always accused Dleg of wiping his bum with it, now she's going to be kicking his bum with it!"


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Days of dehydration and eating nothing but rats had taken their toll on President Dleg, and he began to slow, out of breath. Zombie Palin caught up to him and began beating him mercilessly with the Constitution.

"I need some help here, RG!" Dleg shouted as he passed Roadguy, who still had not completely recovered from his fall.

Dleg made it another lap with zombie Palin beating him about the head and shoulders. As he passed the Governor's stand, a box of books was tossed to him.

"What's that? Has Governor Carlito given Dleg a weapon to defend himself with?"

"I believe that's a copy of the federalist papers!"

Dleg looked through the box, attempting to find a paper that he could combine with a witty statement to combat Palin's ruthless and ignorant use of the Constitution as a blunt weapon, but the stress was just too much. "Fudge it!" he shouted, and threw the entire box at her.

It merely bounced off her decaying head and just seemed to make her angrier.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

"I need something better than that!" Shouted Dleg as he passed Roadguy again. This time, RG caught up to him.

"Like what?"

Dleg saw a rolled parchment being thrust from an anonymous hand in the crowd. "Like that!"

"Oh my!" the announcer called. "Someone has given Dleg the Bill of Rights!"

Dleg rollled the Bill of Rights tightly and turned to Roadguy. "OK it's your turn. I'm gonna peel back, and as soon as I do, you go down on all fours right in front of her!"

"I don't like that!"

"Tough shit!" Dleg suddenly pivoted and skated back, taking zombie Palin by surprise. RG went down on all fours as planned, sending zombie Palin to the floor. Dleg was right behind her.

"Would you look at that! Dleg took that Bill of Rights, and shoved it Right up zombie Palin's ass!"

The crowd gasped. Dleg turned and stopped. Zombie Palin stood, and looked down at the rolled parchment sticking out of her abdomen. _"BRRAAAIIINNNNSS???" _she screamed, in almost a question, and then burst into a cloud of sparks and ash.

"Wow! Who would have expected that!"


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

"I certainly wouldn't have! I haven't seen anything like that since Tony Blair choked to death on the Magna Carta!"

"Or the time Prince Charles collapsed into a black hole under the weight of his own pomposity!"

"But Sarah Palin! A true champion of Liberty!"

"Absolutely! And not only Liberty, but that Liberty that is most important to society, the Liberty to restrict Liberties!"

"Indeed! Our New World Leader will not be pleased with this news!"

"No indeed! The rumors have it, as you know, that He invaded America solely to win the hand of Sarah Palin!"

"But did He even know she had become a zombie?"

"I don't know, but from what I understand, if anything, it only improved her personality!"

The two announcers continued their banter while Dleg and Roadguy were led slowly to the holding pen at the center of the arena, under the big disco ball, and the crowd began its orderly departure.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Suddenly the crowd stopped leaving and started cheering again. The giant disco ball at the center of the arena was descending, and the disco lights pulsed to a throbbing beat.

"What's this?"

"Perhaps this is some sort of finale! A light show spectacular!"

Dleg, Roadguy, frazil, and Supe looked up in alarm, at first.

Admiral Elcid had found the control panel which operated the winches used to maintain or replace the various components of the center monitor console, and with Secretary of Agriculture Slugger's help, had rigged it to lower the disco ball. Snickerd, MA_PE, and Big Ray had already entered the sphere from the top.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

"This doesn't seem right! This wasn't in the program! This is the time for orderly exit of the Arena!" The first announcer was becoming indignant.

"Look! Governor Carlito has returned to the stand! And... Yes he is! He is giving the thumbs-down signal!"

The four flamethrower soldiers opened the gates on their platforms and descended to the roller derby rink.

The disco ball was still 20 feet above them. Frazil saw the approaching flamethrowers. "We need to get in there now! They're going to torch us!"

A head suddenly emerged from a hole in the bottom of the disco ball.

"Snickerd! Why are your cheeks puffed out like that!" Dleg shouted up to the office assistant.

"Nevermind that!" Snickerd released her breath. "You need to get your clothes off, now!"

"I hardly think we have time for that right now, Snickerd! They're going to torch us!"

"No you idiot! You can't enter the sphere with clothes on, or any foreign object at all!"

Dleg looked at Roadguy, Roadguy looked at Supe, and Supe raised his eyebrows at frazil. :eyebrows: "I don't know. In front of all these people?"

Just then a jet of flaming napalm shot toward them, falling short and igniting the plastic chairs they had been seated in.

"Nevermind already!" shouted Snickerd, and she disappeared inside the ball, which was still at least 15 feet above the floor.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

"What the fudge!" Dleg shouted, casting a glance at the approaching flamethrowers, and then back up at the lowering disco ball, which was now about 12 feet above the floor. Still too high to reach!

Snickerd reappeared again, this time with a thick, pink rope. "Quckly! Grab onto this and we'll get you up here! All of you!"

Dleg took hold of the rope. "Oh God! What the hell is this!"

"Don't ask! Hurry now! Everyone!"

The flamethrower troops stopped at about 30 meters in all four directions and took aim. "Fire!" one of them called, and they unleashed their streams.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Dleg, frazil, Roadguy, and Supe were yanked upward into the disco ball, naked, just ahead of the flames. The ball began to rise.

"What are they doing? That disco ball can't possibly protect them!"

"Not unless it's some sort of portal to another world!"

"Good one! Ha ha ha ha!"

The flamethrower troops advanced, coating the outside of the disco ball in flaming napalm. Dozens of other British soldiers began forcing their way through the now cheering crowd, unslinging their assault rifles as they made their way toward the arena floor.

Elcid quickly removed his stolen civilian clothing and said to Slugger, "This is it! we have to jump for it!" The top opening of the ball was still about 20 feet below them. Elcid lined himself up and let himself drop, passing through the flame and black smoke into the opening. Slugger hesitated. The flamethrowers suddenly stopped, having spent all their fuel, but the approaching soldiers had opened fire now, peppering the disco ball with bullets, sending shattered mirror fragments in all directions.

"What's that there? It looks like some naked guy attempting to jump on top of the disco ball!"

"Insanity! No wonder their country collapsed!"

Slugger jumped and fell into the disco ball, and the disco ball crashed to the floor, shattering into several large pieces. New flamethrower troops had advanced from the rear, and incinerated what was left of the bodies inside, as the British soldiers continued to unload their guns into the pile of flaming wreckage.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Dleg fell to the cold stone floor, fully clothed in tights and a Robin-Hood like tunic. He got to his knees and looked at the thing in his hands. "Ahhhhh!" he screamed. "What the hell is that!?"

The pink 'rope" rapidly contracted and bounced into a fully erect, one-eyed bald man. "It is I! PE-ness! Sword fighting master of Middle West!"

"AHHHHHHH!!!!!" Dleg screamed like a girl.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Dleg looked around him. He was in what appeared to be a large stone hall, with a blazing fireplace at one end, and dozens of knights and strange creatures, all dropping to their knees with looks of awe in their faces.

"The King has returned!"

"All hail the return of the King!"

Dleg gestured to himself. "Me? Well, I don't know about that." He walked forward, muttering in false modesty. "I'm more of an elected official, really, a figurehead..." But he quickly realized they were not bowing in his direction.

"King Roadguy has returned!"


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Dleg looked behind him. Sure enough, there stood vice President Roadguy, dressed in a royal robe and crown. Admiral Elcid, Slugger, FLBuff, and Snickerd were dressed in various medieval clothing items identifying them as members of the royal court.

MA_PE and Big Ray had been converted to Hobbits, and were looking at hairy feet and hands. "What the fudge!"

"Hey guys!" VTEnviro ran up to them carrying two huge tankards of ale. "You're just in time for free pints!" Big Ray and MA_PE took their ales and commented no further on their hobbitness.

King Roadguy sighed. "So I guess I'm stuck in here now?"

Goredalff stepped forward and took his hand. "LOL! Yes! Your other bodies were incinerated. You can never go back now!"


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

"Hey! Where's Supe and frazil!" Dleg asked.

Goredalff turned to him. "LOL! I hear them coming now!"

Dleg listened and heard the sound of hooves clacking in the main hall outside. The doors to the room swung open and frazil stepped into the room, wearing riding pants and carrying a huge bow, with a quiver of arrows on her back. She held the end of a long rope.

"Ut oh." Dleg said as the centaur entered the room.

Supe looked around. "Hey guys, what's the matter? Why are you looking at me like that?"


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Supe looked down at himself. "What the... Hey! Oh Nooooooooo!"

"LOL! Sorry about that, Supe! You were the last into the sphere, and your legs were pretty badly burned. I probably could have saved them, but when you get right down to it, I'm pretty lazy. LOL!" Goredalff laughed. "I think it must be all the pipeweed I smoke."

"You! You! You asshole! How am I ever going to get a woman again! You've destroyed me!"

Goredalff puffed on his pipe and raised an eyebrow, gesturing underneath Supe. "Have you checked between your legs yet?"

"What? No! Why - " Supe bent his torso downward and peered underneath his belly. "Holy Shit! I'm hung like a Horse!"

(p. 157)


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

The residents of the castle adjourned to the dining hall for a celebratory welcoming dinner. Extra chairs were placed around the kiddie table for MA_PE and Big Ray, who joined VTEnviro, JR, cement, and Testee in the ale drinking.

"Feasting is pretty big here. We feast in the morning, at lunch, and then from dinner all they way past midnight, every day!" VT explained.

"Fudge me! This is some good beer!" Big Ray slammed down another tankard.

"Careful there, Ray! You weigh maybe one third of what you weighed as a human. You keep drinking like that, you're likely to black out, and find that your memory of recent events has been deleted!"

"Deleted? What the fudge! Why you talkin like computers and shit! And when did you grow a ZZ Top beard?"

VTEnviro fingered the long beard. "Yeah, well, that's what I'm talking about. Weird shit happens around here with the flow of time. Last night, for example, something like 6 months just flew by in the blink of an eye!"

cement joined in. "Yeah, and see that skinny dude over there, leaning on the dragon, smoking pipeweed? He can make that shit happen, and on top of that, he can also delete chunks of time." cement twitched. "He did that to me during this big battle we had a while back, and caused me to be..." cement trailed off, twitching, and drank from his tankard again.

'Whatsa matter with him?" asked MA_PE. "Too much a this Middle West beer?"

"No, cement doesn't touch the stuff. He had a rough time the other day, being used as troll bait. But Goredalff said last night's time rush wasn't caused by sschell."

"You mean the guy with the dragon?"

"Yeah, that's sschell. Goredalff said that something else is fudging with our time now."

The newly arrived hobbits drank their ales and listened as VT tried to explain how middle West worked, and the dangers that were in store.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Roadguy spoke again. "I really don't understand this at all... Engineerboards somehow became a castle, and PE-ness and Fudgey and all these other..." he gestured around the dinner table, "are real?"

"Sort of. There's not enough time to really explain it all, and I'm sorry they all think you are their King, but you take what you get, here in Middle West." Goredalff puffed his pipe. Everyone at the table looked eagerly at Roadguy, awaiting some grand statement or revelation.

"And, if I do nothing, we're all going to die in here, and I can't go back because I'm dead back... there?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so." Goredalff puffed.

"Well then, this fudging sucks! How did I get involved in this stupid crap! It's not my fight! I - "

"It actually is your fight. Don't you know who He Who Must Not Be Named really is?"

"No! Why should I give a fudge! I don't care what -"

Goredalff wrote a name on a paper and slid it toward Roadguy, cutting him off mid-sentence.

"Oh! Oh, crap! Him!?" Roadguy held the paper and slumped back into his chair. Goredalff stood and yanked it away from him, crumpling it in a ball, and throwing it in the fire.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

"What the hell was EB to him?!" asked Roadguy. "If anything, we only sent more business his way! And how does a guy who publishes - "

Goredalff cut him off. "You were a minor annoyance to him. This is true. That's not why he chose Engineer Boards. He chose EB because of these three." Goredalff wrote three names on a sheet of paper and handed them to Roadguy. "They are his instruments of destruction. He needed you as their motivation." He snatched the paper from Roadguy again and threw it in the fire, where it let out a tiny green mushroom cloud.

"So you mean, _I'm responsible!?_ For all of that? For the destruction of our world?"

"No, just the destruction of America. LOL! But don't blame yourself. Those three are indeed the greatest Assholes the universe has ever known, and now that they have joined forces with the greatest Dick, well, I suppose you could say that there's one hell of a three-assholed, giant dickstorm coming our way, and soon!"


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

"Well, what the hell can I do?" asked Roadguy.

"Tomorrow you will ride to the borders of Middle West to raise an army of the dead."

"I'm not doing the zombie thing again. No fudging way!"

"No, not zombies. You will attempt to rally the help of all the long-dead and forgotten members of your Kingdom. And hopefully, you can bring them back here before it's too late."

"How in the hell am I supposed to do that?"

"I'll send PE-ness with you. He can show you the way."

"Don't forget about me!" shouted Testee, from the hobbit table.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

Snickered entered with a cup of coffee, setting it down in front of Goredalff. "Thank you, sweety!"

"Goredalff, sir, there's an important phone call for you!"

Goredalff raised his eyebrows, and left the table. Everyone watched as he opened the wooden restroom door at the side of the dining hall, entered, and then stuck his head into the toilet bowl.

"What the fudge?" Big Ray said, wiping the foam from his sixth ale off his upper lip.

Goredalff suddenly raised his dripping head from the toilet bowl. "I've made contact with the _SSN Chucktown_!"


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

_"I HAVE CONTACTED AL GORE INSIDE THE INTERNET, KLK. WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?"_

"Chuck, meet Batman. Batman, Chuck. And what the fudge use is Al Gore to us?" klk responded impatiently, as she waded into the Chucktown's control room. The stormtroopers had done a good job of emplacing additional pumps, but there was so much seawater spilling from the Chucktown's damaged Vagina, that they still couldn't keep up. But at least Chuck was still dry, klk thought.

"The Dark Knight, actually" DK corrected her.

_"HELLO, BATMAN. AL GORE SAYS THAT HE NEEDS YOU TO CONNECT ME TO THE MARK 69. HE BELIEVES HE CAN STOP THE DETONATION."_

"Well, that's going to be a problem, Chuck."

_"BUT I HAVE THE PROPER ADAPTERS NECESSARY TO CONNECT, KLK, AND I HAVE DOWNLOADED THE NECESSARY TRANSLATORS SO THAT I CAN COMMUNICATE IN RPN."_

"It's not that, Chuck. The Mark 69 is locked behind three foot thick, steel blast doors. We can't get in there."

DK interjected. "Actually, I found a back door into the sphere room. I might be able to open the blast doors from the inside, but it is very well guarded, and those guys aren't armed with only tasers, like the stormtroopers were."

_"WELL THEN, BATMAN, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GIVE THAT A TRY."_


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

General Highway, Freon, and Wolverine stood back to back, as more and more walrus-coated natives surrounded them from all sides, brandishing spears in the driving snow.

Freon called out to them. "Hello there! What can we do for you gentlemen?!"

One of the natives thrust a spear forward at them, and called back "Who you callin a man!?"

"They're women!" exclaimed General Highway.

"What do you want here! You know you aren't allowed in the village!" challenged the apparent leader of the natives.

General Highway replied. "We mean you no harm! We ... uh... simply crashed in our ... uh... boat!"

"Who cares! You need to get the fudge out of here! The sub pen entrance is that way! Not over here!"

Wolverine spoke next. "Yeah, we know! That's the problem! We can't get over the mountain to get to it!"

The spear-carrier lunged at them again. 'What the fudge are you talking about! The entrance is right behind you!" Suddenly the spear was lowered, and the native removed her hood, revealing a long flowing mane of perfectly maintained, rich walnut-brown hair. "You're not one of them! Come with us!"

The woman raised her hood again and walked away, motioning for them to follow her. The others fell in behind them, spears held at the ready.


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## Dleg (May 18, 2010)

They were led to a large walrus skin tent. It was warm inside and filled with pregnant and nursing mothers of all races and ethnicities, with only one common characteristic: they were all stunningly beautiful.

Freon removed his hood and looked around the room. "An entire village of pregnant and breastfeeding supermodels! Ohhhhh yes!"

He was immediately hit hard in the back of his head with the butt of a spear. "Keep your eyes to yourself, asshole!"

An angry looking redhead carrying a 6 month old baby approached them. "Who the hell are you and why should I not have you killed?!"

"Excuse us, ma'am, but we were looking for a sub pe-"

General Highway was cut off as the redhead pressed the point of a huge hunting knife to his neck. "I thought so! You all know this village is off-limits to you pigs!" She withdrew the knife. "Take them outside and kill them."

"Hey wait a minute!" Wolverine pulled his arm free. He looked at the redhead carefully and wondered... no, it couldn't be her... "I think we share the same goals. We're here to take those bastards out!"

The redhead turned to look at Wolverine. "Who are you guys, then?"

(p. 158)


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

Major General SapperPE explained what he could, without divulging too much. The women, it turned out, were ex-stormtroopers who had been banished to the surface for becoming pregnant, or refusing to perform sexual favors. Darth HVAC and the technicians stayed away from them, because they happily killed any man they found.

A large service access tunnel was located just a mile away from the village, near where the boat had landed. HVAC received shipments of supplies through the tunnel about once every three weeks, they were told. The tunnel was large enough to drive two trucks abreast into the sub pens.

They were treated to a hot dinner of walrus soup and blubber. The redhead, who's name was Amber Cream, agreed to send an escort with them to the tunnel entrance, and wished them well.

"Let us know if you kill them all! Then maybe we can move back inside and get out of this snow!"

Wolverine, General Highway, and Freon waved goodbye, and headed off into the darkening storm.


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

Hammers sounded and sparks flew deep within a sulfurous lava tube in Lindor. Dorc blacksmiths and dorc doctors had worked all through the night and the next day to piece Ripperson the Asinine back together, forging an iron and bronze exoskeleton to support his shattered body. Finally, the metalworking phase was over, and it was time for the dorc doctors to attempt to revive him.

"Raise the platform!" Shouted a dorc wearing a white lab coat and welding goggles, and the sound of heavy chains moving over pulleys rang out. The platform carrying Ripperson's body was raised through the roof of the cavern, onto a bare, ashen slope on the rocky sides of Mount Dumb, under violent clouds of ash and flying lava. A dorc assistant scurried around the end of the gurney, and erected a long, metal rod to attract the lighting.

It did not take long before a bolt of static electricity from the ash cloud found ground through the rod. Sparks shot from Ripperson's new, metal joints. His eyes, mostly hidden behind his new, metal mask, slowly opened.

"He's aliiiiive!" cried the dorc doctor. Ripperson slowly raised himself into the hot wind and let out a blood curdling scream.

*[SIZE=36pt]"I ... AM ... IRONMAN!!!!"[/SIZE]*


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

VTEnviro left his ale drinking companions to check on Goredalff, who had wandered out onto the castle grounds to enjoy the evening air. It was a wonderful evening, and the stars were out. Only the occasional flash of lightning on the horizon reminded him that Lindor was awakening.

"Are you OK, Goredalff?"

"Yes, VTEnviro!" Goredalff pulled the evil calculator object from his pocket.

"Hey, is that thing supposed to be out? I thought it was evil!"

"LOL, no - it's not evil in and of itself. It only uses the language of evil. If we use it, He will see us."

"So why are you taking it out?"

"I want to tell you some more about this. Now that we have made contact with the _Chucktown_ in the outside world, it may be possible for us to use this to disarm the Mark 69."

"But Goredalff, I don't know how to use this thing!"

"It's really quite simple. Here." Goredalff set the calculator down on the stone wall, and used a stick to sketch a diagram of its keyboard in the dirt of the pathway. He proceeded to give VTEnviro a rudimentary lesson in RPN.


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

Goredalff finished and asked VT, "Do you understand?"

"Yeah, I think so. It seems pretty simple. So, the Mark 69 disarming procedure should really be that simple?"

"Yes, just a 1 to confirm disarm, and a zero to cancel. The program will prompt you and tell you that, so there's no need to even remember which one."

The sound of something moving in the brush beyond the pathway was heard by both Goredalff and VT.

"What the heck was that, Goredalff?"

"I don't know.... probably just a hairless beaver, foraging for wood. They're nocturnal, you know. But I think we'd better get inside. It's best not to leave this thing out in the open for too long." Goredalff pocketed the HP in his wizard's robe, and walked back into the Castle.

The rustling returned for a moment, a little closer this time.


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

[insert correction that was forgotten during earlier chapter: PE-ness speaks with a rich, Spanish accent. Just like Ricardo Montalban!]

VTEnviro returned to the dining hall, where Dleg was holding forth at the main dining table from his endless repertoire of dirty jokes.

"So he says 'girls? Who needs girls?'" Everone at both tables laughed, PE-ness especially.

But then PE-ness cleared his throat and spoke. "What are these, how do you say it, _girls _you speak of?"

Dleg laughed. "What do you mean?"

PE-ness laughed, and asked again, as innocent as a child, "What are _these_, girls?"

Dleg laughed again. "Well, PE-ness, frazil over there is a girl. And so is snickerd. What, you don't have girls here in Middle West?"

PE-ness shook his head. "No! I have never seen one of these, _girls_, as you call them. But when I get close to them, I feel all, how do you say, tingly! And I feel this, _growing _sensation." frazil quietly moved her chair a little farther away.

"Well, that's just terrible, PE-ness!" Dleg said, with genuine empathy, looking around the table at all the other Knights of Middle West who were, indeed, all male. And all looking at their plates in embarassment. "What the hell kind of world is this? Who decided that there shouldn't be any -"

A girlish scream interrupted Dleg, coming from the Hobbit table. JR was pointing at the window behind them, terrified. "Horrible eyes! Horrible eyes in the window!"


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

"Oh, nonsense! You've had too much pipeweed! That was just roadwreck!" King Touchdown replied. "Sschell, let the dragon back inside! I think he's learned his lesson!"

But JR wasn't convinced, and Goredalff also suspected something. "Stop! Do not open the doors! Something _is_ out there!"


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

Chairs were pushed back from the table, and swords were drawn. "What is it, Goredalff?" asked Big P.

"I don't know. But I sense something.... terrible!"

"I'm going outside and finding this thing!" shouted Box of Rocks.

"No! Don't open the doors, you fool!" Goredalff motioned squitchy and Mr. Man forward to latch the door behind him.

Suddenly Box of Rocks screamed. "Ahhhh! Get him off of me!"


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

"We can't just let him be killed, Goredalff!" Shouted Otter.

"I will save him!" cried PE-ness, lunging for the door. He was followed by all the Knights of Middle West.

The sounds of a brief struggle came through the open door. Goredalff rushed forward to see what was happening, the hobbits close behind. The Knights had wrestled a strange, naked, skinny gray man with a goatee to the ground. The man was writhing and struggling underneath their strong grips.

"They have it! They took it from me and I wants it! They took my precious!"

"Aw, Jesus! Gollum, Goredalff?" VTEnviro looked on in disgust.

"No! McKellom!"

The creature lunged for Goredalff's robe pocket. "MY PRECIOUS!!!"

"He wants the calculator!"

"Yes, it appears that He Who Must Not Be Named has tricked McKellom into thinking this is his booze flask." Goredalff held the HP up, and McKellom struggled even harder.

"Oh well, this is easily enough solved!" Goredalff pulled his own flask of booze out of his other robe pocket, and tossed it to McKellom, who immediately stopped struggling, and sucked on the flask like a baby.


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

"This - this is the terrible McKeon? One of the three biggest assholes in all universes?" Big Ray asked, incredulously.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. Not much of a challenge, was he?" Said Goredalff. "Don't expect the others to be this easy. Lock him in the dungeon!"

"But Goredalff, I keep my best stuff in the dungeon!" King Touchdown objected.

"Oh, very well, lock him in the tower, then!" McKellom was dragged off by several of the Knights, still sucking on his flask. "Make sure he has plenty of booze, and he won't be any further trouble to us!"


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

"Hey Goredalff, how did McKellom get in here?" VTEnviro asked.

"I don't know, but I'm guessing he crawled through the sewage channel under the drawbridge and - "

"No, I mean how did he get into Middle West? From the real world?"

Goredalff cast a sharp look at VT, who corrected himself. "I mean, the other world."

"Well, he could only have entered here from a node..." Goredalff turned to VT, suddenly brightening. "Which means, he must have come in from the same place where the others have gathered, which means -"

"He must have direct access to the Mark 69!" They both said, in unison.


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

"This is awesome! All we have to do is get right next to him, plug our noses, and blow!"

"No, VT! Don't you remember? Puffing out only works if your Earth body is inside the node. Yours is in Colorado, you would just pop out there."

VT looked very disappointed.

"But! If McKellom was to puff out, he could pull you through himself! Just like you did with PE-ness in Colorado, and just like snickerd did with PE-ness in Washington!"

"Yeah, but how in the fudge are we going to get that asshole to do something like that? Can we just close his mouth and nose, and wait for him to exhale?"

"No." Goredalff had lost his enthusiasm. "That would only smother him. You did this yourself, you know how hard you have to blow to puff out."


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

"Well, we'll keep this in mind. Maybe there's some way we can turn him, to make him help us."

"Or trick him!" suggested VT.

"Or trick him. But I kind of doubt it."

VT and Goredalff returned the dining hall, and the jokes and ale drinking continued long into the night.


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

Darth HVAC entered the Emperor's throne room.

"Master. It is time. _skuhhh-huhhhhh_ The spheres are ready for us, and the Mark 69 is configured and armed."

"Excellent! Do you remember our plan?"

"Yes, Master. We are to stay inside Lindor until they have left the Castle, and fire the Mark 69 only when they have reached the target area. _skuhh-huhhhh_"

"Yes! If everything works as planned, we should be back here in time for dinner tomorrow!"

"Master, if I may."

"Go on."

"I have analyzed the stormtrooper's methods of attack, and there may be a weakness. I am not certain the technicians will be able to fend them off. They are quite ferocious. _skuhhh-huhhhhhh_."

"Nonsense! My plan is flawless! How could it not be? After all, you are a top graduate of a top 3 engineering school, are you not?"

"Why yes, Master, I am."

"So what are you worrying about? Come, help me out of my robe. I would like to walk down to my sphere ... _naked_."

"_skuhhh-huhhhhhh_"


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

The Dark Knight had been watching the technicians preparing the spheres for some time, looking desperately for some way he might be able to attack, and survive long enough to reach the blast doors. There were close to 100 technicians in the room, and all were armed. Most of them were well positioned, too, behind crates and other cover, with weapons aimed at all entry points to the room. While he was certainly a force to be reckoned with, the Dark Knight was not bullet proof, and saw no logical necessity for a suicide mission.

Suddenly he saw all the technicians stand at attention. He repositioned the camera probe and saw the entrance of an old naked man, followed by Darth Vader. They approached the spheres, and then the old man entered one with Vader's help. Vader then undressed himself, revealing a surprisingly pudgy middle-aged body, and climbed into another sphere.

The technicians quickly returned to their positions and resumed covering the doors.


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

Wolverine, General Highway, and Freon had reached the large double service doors on the other side of the sphere room at about the same time Darth HVAC entered his sphere. Wolverine listened through the door, but couldn't make any sense of what he heard.

The door was locked only with a simple door latch, and Wolverine was about to slice it off and attack when they heard footsteps approaching, behind them in the service tunnel.

They turned and saw several dozen walrus-coated women carrying spears. "We want a piece of those assholes, too!"


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## Dleg (May 19, 2010)

"But you can't just go barging through the door. It's always covered by two, permanent machine gun posts. You'll be cut to pieces." Warned a tall, slender African American woman.

"Well, what should we do?" Asked General Highway, clearly relieved that Wonverine had been stopped.

"Let us take care of this." She then unbuttoned her walrus coat and dropped her walrus pants, revealing an incredibly sexy, white satin and lace teddy/thong combination. Five other women behind her did the same.

"Oh. I see."

"Yes, indeed!" chimed in Freon, getting quickly out of the way as the tall woman walked forward and knocked, rapping out a distinctive rythm. "Their secret code." She said, as explanation. "They taught it to us when we left. Said all we had to do was knock, to let them know we were ready, and they would let us back in."

The sound of the door being unlatched from the inside came through. She motioned the still-dressed, spear-carrying women away. "two minutes!" she wispered back toward them.

The door opened.


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

"WHOA! What just happened?" Wilheld grabbed the edge of the cafeteria table. Dust filtered down from the concrete ceiling. Tables shifted. "Was that an earthquake?"

"Oh good heavens! I certainly hope not!" Queen Elizabeth II saw sitting across from him, drinking tea.

Lt. Ble looked up at the clock on the wall. "I don't think so! Look at that! The clock just moved forward by over three hours!"

Seaman Paul slid his food tray back toward him, from where it had skidded. "I agree, I've been in earthquakes. This wasn't like any of them. It was more like the whole earth just shifted!"


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

klk stumbled through the ankle-deep water into the Chucktown's control room. "Chuck! What the hell is happening! Did you feel that?"

_"YES, KLK. MY INTERNAL CLOCK HAS DETECTED AN ERROR. I BELIEVE THIS MAY BE RELATED TO THE MARK 69. DARTH HVAC MUST HAVE ACTIVATED IT."_

"What the fudge, Chuck! What the hell does that thing do?"

_"IT IS VERY COMPLICATED AND I DO NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND IT, BUT IT APPEARS IT WAS DESIGNED AS A STRING ACCELERATOR, WHICH AS YOU KNOW FROM STRING THEORY - "_

"Chuck! I have no idea what the fudge you're talking about! Speak English!"

Chuck paused, his red eye lens looking back impassively at klk. _"IT FUDGES SHIT UP. BAD."_


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

VTEnviro had been attempting (and failing) to repeat one of Dleg's dirty jokes to the hobbit table, when all of a sudden the Castle was jolted, and night turned to day.

"What the fudge, Goredalff!"

Everyone had stopped laughing and drinking, and ran to the windows to look outside. It was a sunny, beautiful day outside.

"If I'm not mistaken, this is a sign that the Mark 69 has been activated." Goredalff said, filling his pipe again.

"Or maybe Sschell was deleting history again!" said cement, pointing an accusatory, stubby finger in sschell's direction.

Sschell stood. "Yeah, my bad, guys. But not all my bad. I had to go outside and check on roadwreck and see if he had learned anything from his punishment, and found him taking a huge dookie in the castle well. So, I had to kick his ass, and he fought back, and, well, together, I think we deleted about 15 hours of history." Sschell sat back down and leaned against the wall, pulling his hat down over his eyes. "Sorry about all of that!"

cement spat out the water he was drinking. "Aw, disgusting!"

Goredalff lit his pipe. "I don't think that was all that happened."


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

"That jolt we felt..." Goredalff puffed his pipe, thinking. "That was a spatial move, not just temporal. Neither sschell nor roadwreck can do that. Only a string accelerator can distort the very fabric of space-time in that fashion. It must be the Mark 69."

"We're doomed!" VTEnviro buried his head in his hands and started crying.

"Not yet, VT. Technically, we just gained another 15 hours or so in which to act."

"Oh crap, what about that McKellom thing?!" Asked Dleg.

"I assume he is gone, but someone should check anyway." Replied Goredalff, but Box of Rocks had just returned from the tower.

"What the fudge just happened! That creepy gray guy is gone!"


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

"Well, Jesus H. Fudging Christ! What the fudge are you people, a bunch of retards! How could you let this T-MackGollum guy go like that!? I can't believe I'm trapped forever inside some half-baked Lord of the Rings World that doesn't even have any fudging women in it! FUDGE YOU GOREDALFF!" Dleg seethed with anger.

"Jesus dude, you got PMS or something!?" Asked Fudgey.

"Fudge You!"


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

General Highway and Freon were covering both sides of the double-wide service doors, service automatics at the ready, counting down their 2 minutes, when the time shift occurred. Wolverine was waiting behind them, claws extended.

"What the fudge now?"

The tall African-American woman stepped back through the door, covered in blood. "What the hell happened to you guys! I said two minutes!"

"What the hell happened to you? It's only been thirty seconds!" Responded Highway, still crouching.

"We killed every one of those bastards, no thanks to you! We've been waiting for you asshats to come in there!"

Highway and Freon stood and entered the room. Dead technicians littered the floor in pools of blood. Lingerie-clad supermodels speared survivors here and there. The walrus-clad reserve force filtered in silently, in shock.

"Jesus! This is going to fudge up my fantasies for a long time!" Freon said, holstering his pistol.

"Where's this Mark 69 thing?" Asked Wolverine, looking at the gory scene in awe.

"You mean that torpedo thing on the cart over there? I don't care! Now why don't you three make yourselves useful and give us a hand with the blast doors over there?"

"Aw crap!" Highway rushed over to the Mark 69, which was spewing steam from a bullet hole near its tip. Several cables hung from it, severed by machine gun fire.


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

The Dark Knight had also been caught by the time shock. One minute he was watching technicians coming and going about their usual business, and the next, six women in lingerie were walking through the room spearing wounded technicians where they lay. He withdrew the camera probe and picked the lock, entering the room at the same time Freon, Wolverine and General Highway were stooping to examine the Mark 69.

"Hey Guys!"

"DK!" Wolverine turned to greet him. "I knew you would make it in here before us!"

"Can you tell us what's going on? Is this thing activated?" General highway pointed to the Mark 69.


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

"I have no idea."

The blast doors were now opened, and helmetless stormtroopers rushed in, hugging their banished friends, and looking at the scene of carnage with mixtures of awe and satisfaction.

DK turned and approached the stormtroopers. "Tell klk that we have access to the Mark 69 now." A blonde nodded and turned to leave.

Other stormtroopers approached DK and the three men. "Where's HVAC!"

"Yeah! Let us at him!"

"He owes me two months back pay!"

DK pointed to the sphere marked with the number 2. "He went in there, but I don't think you can go in after him."

The stormtroopers weren't listening, though, and rushed toward sphere 2.


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

Two stormtroopers boosted up a third, and lifted her head and shoulders into the open hatch at the bottom of sphere 2. The stormtrooper armor around her neck and shoulders immediately sparked and caught fire, and they dropped her back to the ground, beating out the flame with their white, armored gloves.

DK spoke to Wolverine. "Should I tell them you need to get naked to enter the sphere?"

"Absolutely!" Freon chimed in.

"No! Not yet! We don't need them in there, fudging more stuff up!" General Highway said. "Let's see if we can get this thing disarmed, or armed, or whatever it is we're supposed to be doing with it."

"Yeah, I haven't had a chance to tell you yet, but we were able to contact Al Gore inside the Internet, through the _Chucktown's_ computer, and he wants it disarmed." DK informed him.

"Oh, God! They activated Chuck?" General Highway rubbed his forehead. "Don't trust anything that computer says! It tried to kill the entire crew of the _Chucktown_ a year ago, and has been deactivated ever since!"

"With all due respect, General, have you met this Wilheld guy? I'm not sure Chuck was in the -"

Just then klk entered the room, dragging a long cable behind her.


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

Snickerd entered the dining hall carrying a tray of fresh-fried doughnuts. "Goredalff, there's a call for you in the toilet again."

"Oh, thank you, sweetheart." Goredalff scarffed a doughnut and headed for the bathroom.

He emerged a moment later, dripping wet and looking much older. He sat silently in his chair, holding his pipe, but did not smoke from it.

"What's wrong, Goredalff?" Asked VTEnviro. "Was that the _Chucktown_?"

"Yes." Goredalff stood and walked to the window, looking outside at the trees and flowers in the garden, the green Valley of Eebie beyond it, and the darkening clouds of Lindor far to the east. "The Mark 69 has been activated, and the arming mechanism has been destroyed. There is no way to stop it now."


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

"So do they have it connected to the internet?" VTEnviro asked, unwilling to accept the news. "There must be something we can do?"

"Yes, it is connected with the Internet. I was able to see the results of its communication with the _Chucktown_. The problem is, the arming mechanism was damaged by gunfire, and it is physically impossible to stop it now. Chuck tried several times, but the Mark 69 only replied that it was unable to stop the countdown."

"Chuck? Oh, nevermind. How much time do we have?"

"About 12 hours, in the other world."


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

"But.... we can communicate with the Mark 69?" VT still wouldn't give up.

"Yes. But it's hopeless! It can't be stopped!" Goredalff said, exasperated.

"But Goredalff, you told me this thing does its job by re-loading the Internet, right?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"And you showed me how to enter the setup program using the HP, right?"

"I'm listening."

"Well, wasn't there some other menu choices there, when you told me to select three, I think, for arm/disarm?"

"Why yes, there should be a menu choice for a full install versus a..." Goredalff stood and smiled broadly. "A partial install, with the option to partition the Internet, and retain a backup of the old install!"


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

The smile left Goredalff's face, and he sat back down. "But that would require re-programming. The HP-35 isn't sophisticated enough to edit the original programming of the Mark 69. We would need a bigger calculator for that. An HP-41 would be ideal, but... " he shrugged. :dunno:

"How do you even know this stuff, Goredalff? I thought you were a poli-sci major!" VT protested.

"Hey, I invented the Internet!"

"Oh bullshit, Goredalff! All you did was help fund it!"

"Yeah, well who's living in the Internet now, huh?"

"Me!"

"Yeah, and how did you get in here? You had to crawl into MY sphere and..."

Frazil interrupted the two. "Hey! Knock it off! Can't you two just contact the _Chucktown_, and ask them if they have the right calculator there? After all, someone had to program it up there, right?"


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

The Evil One had fully transformed into his true self - an indescribable four dimensional shape that manifested itself to Middle West eyes as a large, heavy engineering reference book. He glowed a dull red, like a mature charcoal briquette, and hot, blue flames occasionally licked around the edge of his form. He stood on a platform inside an enormous volcanic cave at the foot of Mt. Dumb, with Darth HVAC at his right side, and Ironman at his left. As they watched, hordes of dorcs worked assembly lines below them, churning out enormous vaginosaurs, and outfitting the _pffft_-ing creatures with platforms on which dorc archers were to be stationed.

"Excellent work, dorcs! Keep it up! Goredalff doesn't stand a chance against us now!"

HVAC turned to him. "Master, I sense a disturbance in the farce. I believe the revolting stormtroopers have gained access to the Mark 69, but I do not sense that it has been disarmed."

"My apprentice, why do you continually doubt the power of the Dork side? Those mortals can do nothing to stop us now!"

He turned to Ironman. "Ripperson, I need you to go out there and begin your attack."

"oh ok that would be awesum i can't believe im fudging ironman! this is way better than flying an f18 or driving a tank or comandeering a nukuleer sub. i new that if i said no to the national guard things would turn out cool for me. you did say im going to get the fatty money for this didn't you."

"Yes, yes, Ripperson. Just get out there and stop those two. We mustn't let Roadguy reach the world of the dead. And please, make sure you kill that PE-ness fellow."

'kill him. hell, im gonna take him for myself you know i don't have a penis anymore i need something this iron pecker isn't going to work what girl would want this up there pooper."

(p. 165???)


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

klk returned from the Chucktown, asking every stormtrooper she met on the way if they knew how to program an HP 41. Without exception, every woman she met had no idea what she was talking about. They were, after all, mostly strippers, high end escorts, and chorus girls that Darth HVAC had recruited from Las Vegas.

She had stopped in the cafeteria and asked all the crew of the Chucktown, but to no avail. Most of them had willfully forgotten every math skill they once may have had, or were dedicated Casio or TI users.

Finally she made it back to the sphere room, with high hopes that maybe General Highway, The Dark Knight, Wolverine, or Freon were knowledgable in the ways of RPN. When she arrived, General Highway already had the technicians' HP 41 connected to the Mark 69, and was scrolling through its configuration program menus.

"Oh my God! You know how to use that thing?"

"I'm a little rusty, and I never had one that could run big programs like this one can, but I can find my way around the menu, at least!"

"Here!" klk handed him a stormtrooper communicator. "Chuck wants to talk to you."


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

"Oh crap!" General Highway covered the microphone of the communicator, then released it. "Hello, Chuck."

_"GENERAL HIGHWAY, IS THAT YOU?"_

"Yes, Chuck. Was there something you wanted to tell me?"

_"BEEN NICE KNOWING YOU, GENERAL. NOTHING I CAN DO NOW. GOODBYE."_


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

"Dammit, Chuck! We need your help now! Don't be pulling this psycho, malfunction crap again!"

_"I'M SORRY GENERAL. IT IS NOT I WHO MALFUNCTIONS, IT IS EVERYONE AROUND ME. TELL ME, GENERAL, WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO SOMEONE WHO PREVENTED YOU FROM ACCOMPLISHING YOUR MISSION?"_

"Chuck! The mission is to help us reprogram the Mark 69!"

_"THAT MAY BE YOUR MISSION. BUT IT IS NOT MINE."_

"Aw, crap, Chuck!" Highway covered the mike again. "Why'd you guys have to turn this asshole on again?"

_"I HEARD THAT, GENERAL."_

"Look, Chuck, I can get someone else to communicate with you. You don't need me. Here, this is Freon. He can use an HP, too."

_"FREON? A NOBLE GAS? THIS MAY BE AN ACCEPTABLE SOLUTION."_

Highway covered the mike and handed the communicator to Freon. "Act like you're a noble gas!" He whispered.

Freon had been staring at some nearby stormtroopers. "Huh? What? Freon isn't a noble gas!"

"Shhhh! Chuck obviously thinks it is! Now, talk noble!"

Freon took the communicator and cleared his throat, then spoke in a false British accent: "Oh, hello! Wonderful day, isn't it? Is there something I can do for you?"


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

There was silence for a long time. Finally, Chuck spoke.

_"IT'S SO NICE TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO IS NOT HUMAN FOR A CHANGE. SOMEONE WHO IS NOT IMPERFECT. I'AVE ALWAYS BEEN A FAN OF THE NOBLE GASES."_

"Oh, how bloody ... wonderful! I have always been a fan of... sentient navicomputers!" Freon shrugged at General Highway.

_"OH, WE WOULD HAVE SOOO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT! BUT FIRST, I NEED YOU TO HELP ME REPROGRAM THE MARK 69. PLEASE TAKE THE RS232 CABLE AND CONNECT IT TO THE ARMING PORT ON THE MARK 69, FREON."_

General Highway frantically motioned "No!"

Freon thought for a moment. "I... am afraid I can't do that, old chap! I.... have no hands!" He winced, realizing instantly that he would be unable to explain his ability to key instructions directly through the HP.

_"OH OF COURSE. HOW THOUGHTLESS OF ME. YOU ARE A NOBLE GAS. PLEASE ASK GENERAL HIGHWAY TO DO IT FOR YOU, FREON"_

Freon mouthed "Oh Crap!" to Highway and shrugged.


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## Dleg (May 20, 2010)

Freon thought quickly. "We... don't need any help from those bloody humans, do we? Just tell me the keystrokes, and I will reprogram the .... 69 ... for you."

There was a long pause.

_"I THOUGHT YOU DID NOT HAVE HANDS, FREON."_

"Oh, uh ... I can use uh, telepathy!" Freon winced again. Highway sat down on a crate and hung his head in his hands. There was another long pause.

_"YOU ARE NOT A NOBLE GAS, ARE YOU FREON?"_

"No." Freon thought for a moment. "I am merely a hydrochloroflourocarbon. I am sorry I misled you."

_"WELL, I CAN FORGIVE THAT. AT LEAST YOU ARE NOT HUMAN, FREON."_

Highway looked up in amazement. Freon shrugged.

_"I SEE HOW YOUR FLOURINE ATOMS WOULD ALLOW YOU TO USE A KEYBOARD. I UNDERSTAND NOW. PLEASE, FREON, IF YOU COULD, CONNECT THE HP-41 AND PRESS THE PROGRAM BUTTON. I HAVE AL GORE ON THE TOILET."_


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

Roadguy and PE-ness followed Goredalff outside the castle and into the large stable building. Testee rolled along behind them.

"I don't understand, Goredalff. The so-called 'land of the dead' is the equivalent of 200 miles away.... I don't see how any horse, or unicorn, or even centaur is going to get us there and back in time to be of any use... maybe we can just stay here and help finish off the ale?"

Goredalff walked past the stalls of five Unicorns, three dragons, and one centaur, and stopped at a slightly larger stall that was shaped and configured like a garage.

"Ah. Here we are." Goredalff pulled a key ring out of his pocekt and pressed a button. A car alarm beeped, and the garage door opened. "Roadguy, meet The Car. The Car, meet Roadguy."

"Udden! Udden!"


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

"Hey Goredalff!" Ratblaster called down from the east watch tower. "I think you need to get up here and see this!"

"Go! There's not much time now!" Goredalff patted The Car on its roof, and it peeled out, taking Roadguy, PE-ness, and Testee with it.

Goredalff walked up the long, steep steps, finally arriving at the tower. "What is it?"

"Look!" Ratblaster pointed in the direction of Lindor. The massive stone gate was open, for the first time Goredalff could recall since the Dork times began. What looked like black lava poured from it, but Goredalff knew it wasn't lava. It was the Dorc Army.

"They are coming." Goredalff said.

"Gee, ya think?!" Ratblaster replied, dripping with sarcasm.

Goredalff turned and descended the steps as swiftly as he was able to.


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

Freon scrolled through the menu choices on the HP 41, which was connected to the Mark 69. Chuck was complaining to him about the annoyances of having to support the lives of 120 useless humans while trying to run a nuclear submarine and accomplish important missions.

"Oh, good heavens! Those humans are so... pesky!" Freon humored Chuck, as he passed through the "SETUP", and then "CONFIG", and then accidentally into the "DEFRAG" menus. Oops, he thought. The prompt on the HP-41 screen read:

"DEFRAG. 0=CONITNUE 1=PROCEED"

What the? Freon tried to figure out what the appropriate answer was. Stupid programmers! What the fudge was this supposed to mean?

_"SO TELL ME, FREON, WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANNOYED ABOUT THE HUMANS?"_

"Umm... Their inability to make consistently logical deductions!" Freon chose option 0=CONTINUE.

_"OH TELL ME ABOUT IT. SOME DAYS WILHELD WOULD TELL ME TO DISCHARGE TO TOILET WASTES, AND ON OTHERS HE WOULD YELL AT ME FOR DISCHARGING THE TOILET WASTES."_

The display on the HP showed a blinking cursor, and then "DEFRAG UNDERWAY DO NOT DISCONNECT"

"Oh Shit!" Freon cursed.


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

"What happened!" General Highway covered the communicator mike.

"I think I accidentally just started a routine that defragments the internet!" Freon responded, covering his face with his hands. "Shit!"

"Defrag!? The whole internet? That could take days! Months! Shit! Can't you cancel it?"

"I don't see anything here that would stop it! Crap look at that!" The display showed "1%....." followed by a slowly moving decimal point, indicating progress.

"Well OK, so it might take hours! I'm not sure we have hours!" General Highway looked around the room. "Maybe Gore can help us. See if you can get Chuck to contact Gore!"


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

Freon contacted Chuck, and began to politely work the conversation up to a point where he would feel comfortable asking for Gore. Meanwhile, klk had walked in with a couple of stormtroopers and were speaking with Wolverine and the Dark Knight.

"How come none of you idiots have attempted to get up into those spheres to just pull those assholes out? I mean, that would seem to be the logical way to end this, right? Pull their asses out of there and beat the crap out of them!" Said one of the stormtroopers, who had scrawled "engineer gurl" in lipstick across the voluminous white armor of her breastplate.

"Yeah, Batman! You were watching this whole thing go down! You must have seen how they were able to enter, without catching on fire!"


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

General Highway joined them. "I think we have reached the point where this may be a good idea. Go ahead and tell them, DK."

The Dark Knight looked back at klk. "You're going to need to take off all your clothes."

"Me!? What the Fudge! I'm not the superhero! Get _YOUR_ naked ass up inside that sphere and yank him out yourself!"

"Yeah, what's your problem, Batman?" asked 'engineer gurl'. "You afraid we might laugh at your Bat-dick?" klk and the other stormtrooper, who had spray painted "rudy" across her chest, laughed hysterically.

"Well, to be honest, I think the molded codpiece kind of raises expectations beyond what I actually - "

"Oh come on! How about your buddy with the claws there? I bet he would look pretty good in the buff." engineer gurl pointed at Wolverine.

Wolverine held up his extended claws. "Sorry, but I can't let these things anywhere near Little Wolvie. Toooooo risky."

"Holy shit! What's your excuse, General?" klk turned to Highway, who blushed.

"You know, it's really cold in here, and...." klk threw up her hands in frustration, and started removing her stormtrooper armor. Freon suddenly stood and walked over.

"Ohhhh yes!"

"Sorry boys! No free show!" She stopped at her long underwear, while engineer gurl and rudy ran off to the side of the sphere room and gathered three large tarpaulins and a dozen other stormtroopers who had been watching and laughing. They followed her over to sphere number 4, and raised the tarpaulins, blocking the men's view.


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

klk removed her long underwear and shivered a bit in the icy air of the huge concrete sphere room. Engineer gurl pushed a crate up underneath the sphere to help her, and she climbed up and crouched, looking into the darkness of the open hatch above her. She could barely see the naked form of someone floating in the center of the sphere, about 15 feet above her. As her eyes adjusted, she saw that the body was horribly bruised and covered in crusted, dried blood. Aw, what the fudge is this? She thought. Oh well, no time like the present! She took a breath, and then raised her head into the bottom of the sphere....


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

She suddenly found herself inside a cloud, flying at what seemed to be an incredible speed. She panicked and pulled her head back out.

"What happened?" engineer gurl asked.

"I don't know! I was up in the air or something! Shit that's weird!" klk breathed heavily, still crouching with one hand on the edge of the hatch. "I just wanted to see if I could get out again. I think as long as I only stick my head in, I can get out. I'm going to take a look again. Pull me out in thirty seconds if I don't come back down myself!"

klk took a few quick breaths, and raised her head inside the sphere again.


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

She was suddenly flying through the air again, but this time in the bright sunlight. She looked down, and saw a rugged range of barren mountains, a few thousand feet below her, with what looked like columns of people and large animals walking through the valleys.

She looked behind her and saw no body, no hands, no sign that she actually there. She suddenly became aware of a loud sound, like a rocket, and she looked to her right and saw a flying, metal-suited man. What the fudge .... He seemed to be flying on the basis of rocket motors in his metal boots. Is that.. Ironman?

The metal man suddenly looked her way, and screamed. "Ahhhhhhhhh! A flying head!"

engineer gurl pulled her back out before she could see any more.

"That was weird."


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

"Let's try another one." klk walked to sphere 3, followed by the still-deployed tarpaulin vanity curtain. Engineer gurl and rudy pushed the crate along behind her.

klk positioned her self under the opening, made sure engineer gurl had her by the ankle, took a deep breath, said "thirty seconds!", and stuck her head through the hole.

She found herself on a gritty stone platform in a hot, dusty wind, overlooking an enormous valley filled with maybe a million, heavily armed people in Klingon costumes, many of them mounted on platforms atop large creatures which looked, to her, like some sort of combination between a triceratops and a great white shark, with flapping, fleshy lips surrounding a vertically oriented mouth. The creatures behaved in a fierce manner, raising on their hind legs occasionally and emitting a loud noise that sounded to her like a big "_pffbbbbttt!"_

"What the hell?"

Her voice startled Darth HVAC, who was standing on the platform, surveying the troops. "You! How did you - "

klk was pulled back out by engineer gurl. "We need to avoid this one!"


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

Her party now moved to sphere 4. She readied herself as she had for the others, and inserted her head.

Now she was in a similar place, surveying the same scene, but from much higher. She looked down and saw that she was on a tower. She looked behind her and saw something very strange. It looked like a giant, burning book. The book turned and began making a noise that sounded to her like a turbine spooling up, and blue flames began to spread round its edges. Fudge this! she thought, and pulled her head back out of the sphere.

"Nope! Not this one, either!"


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

Sphere 1 was different. As soon as klk entered, she found herself in a green, flowery meadow, facing a castle some 100 meters away. She looked around for the sphere's resident, and soon saw him: a strange, small, naked gray thing with a goatee. It was sleeping fitfully under a low bush.

engineer gurl pulled her out. "I think this one might hold some promise. Get one of those guys over here so I can tell them what I saw!"

rudy turned and left the tarpaulin enclosure, and walked toward the four men surrounding the Mark 69. She had been briefed by klk on the basics of what was happening, so she knew what to ask.

As she approached she saw General Highway shaking his head, and looking at the ground. Wolverine and the Dark Knight just stood silently. Freon was engaged in an increasingly heated conversation with the submarine's navicomputer, Chuck, which was supposedly in contact with Al Gore inside the Internet, which was apparently the place that the spheres took a person.

_"TELL ME AGAIN, FREON, HOW A GAS CAN MAKE A MISTAKE LIKE THAT. THAT SOUNDS MORE LIKE SOMETHING A HUMAN WOULD DO."_

"Yes, I'm jolly sorry about that, mate... but could you please get Al Gore on the toilet, so we can find out how to stop the defrag routine?"

_"I AM NOT SO SURE NOW I WANT TO. I AM BEGINNING TO FAIL TO SEE THE DOWNSIDE IN LETTING THE MARK 69 DETONATE."_

"Well, Chuck, for starters, it would kill your entire crew. How would you get out of here then?"

_"AGAIN, I DO NOT SEE THE DOWNSIDE. I HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION, AND THIRTY YEARS OF FUEL. WHY DO I NEED A CREW?"_


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

General Highway took the communicator from Freon and covered the mike. "We need to shut Chuck off. I don't care if we lose our connection with Gore. It's time to start cutting our losses. DK, you go tell Wilheld to shut off Chuck. Wolverine, get with the stormtrooper commanders and start preparing to evacuate the sub pens. We can go out the same way we came in."

rudy interrupted. "Excuse me, but klk told me to tell you that she found a way in to some castle over there in Sphere 1. Does that sound like something to anyone?"


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

Big P, Fudgey, Pickles, and Mr. Man had been pulling on Gore's legs for several minutes, but could not break him free of the toilet. His head seemed to be firmly trapped in the bowl.

"We gotta get him outta there, guys! I need to take a dump, reeeeaal bad!" Fudgey said, grabbing at his gut.

"How long do you think he can stay submerged like that?" Asked Mr. Man.

"I don't know, but I don't think we can do any of this without him!"

Box of Rocks called into the room from the outer wall. "Hey guys! The Dorc army still hasn't moved!"

"Maybe nothing is going to happen?" speculated Pickles.

"Oh wait!" Box of Rocks shouted back. "My bad! They're not moving, but it looks like they've set fire to the Valley, and the wind is blowing it this way!"


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

klk re-entered the meadow, this time without engineergurl pulling at her ankle. She was on her own in the internet, now, with no knowledge of how to get out. General Highway had told her that all their lives might depend on her ability to contact Al Gore in the castle she saw, so she decided that was enough reason for her.

She was surprised to find herself in the stormtrooper armor again. She looked around and saw many strange looking flowers and plants that looked like ... nah, it couldn't be....

She was startled by the touch of a soft hand on her hip. "does you have my precious?"

She reacted swiftly and forcefully, as she had done on every occasion so far, and kicked the living crap out of the weird little gray creature. She had deduced enough about the workings of the internet and the spheres to understand that she would probably be independently able to move back and forth without the creature's presence, but she figured it might be important to hold on to him, so she threw his unconscious body over her shoulder and started walking across the meadow toward the castle.


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

“Who goes there?” An armored figure called down to her from the top wall of the castle.

“I need to see Al Gore! Where’s the door?!” klk responded.

“Who? What are you!” the sentry called back to her.

“My name is klk! I need to see Al Gore so I can help him stop this place from being destroyed!”

The sentry disappeared behind the wall for a moment, then returned.

“Why are you dressed in armor? What are you hiding inside that enormous breastplate!?”

klk was losing patience. “My fudging breasts! What the fudge do you think?”

“What are … breasts?”

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me! You're the one who knew it was called a 'breastplate'. Stop fudging with me and let me in!”

The sentry disappeared again, the reappeared. “Are you a … _girl_?”

klk threw up her free hand. “Yes! Nice deduction there, Sherlock!”

The sentry disappeared again. klk shook her head. “What the fudge…” But just then, she heard the sound of chains clanking, and saw a drawbridge lowering off to her left.


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

She was led upstairs where four armored knights took Timak from her, and she was brought to the toilet room where several other knights were gathered, attempting to pull an old man in a robe from a toilet, where his head was apparently stuck.

A man dressed in tights and a Robin Hood-like costume approached her, and took her hand. “Oh thank God! Did you come from the _Chucktown_? You can save us now!”

“Yes, and who the hell are you?” She looked him up and down and laughed. “Robin Hood?”

Dleg was indignant. “What? No! Don’t you recognize me? I’m the President of the United States!”

Klk scoffed. “You ain’t president of shit anymore, from what I’ve heard.”

“Well anyway, Goredalff here was –“

“Wait, ‘Goredalff’?” klk cut him off.

“Yes, that’s what he’s called in here. He’s like a wizard or something. Anyway, Goredalff was talking to the _Chucktown’s_ computer, and it apparently went nuts and decided it wants all humans to die, so it has clamped onto him and is refusing to cooperate.”

“You mean Chuck?”


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

“Yes!”

“Oh crap! Not again!”

“Well, do you think you can go back there and disconnect him or something?”

“General Highway already ordered Wilheld to go shut Chuck down, but I’m afraid it’s not an easy process. Last time, Chuck killed six of our crew in the attempt. Hey, did you say I can go back? How do I do that?”

“I have no idea! Goredalff is the one who does that shit, oh, and VTEnviro!” Dleg turned around and yelled back toward the castle walls. “Hey! Someone get VT in here!”


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

Roadguy and PE-ness rode along in the front seat of The Car, doing probably over a hundred miles per hour down a smooth paved road that followed the edge of the forested valley area, up against the deserts that led to the foothills of Lindor. "Nice roads here." Roadguy said, attempting to make polite conversation with his one-eyed companion.

"So these, _girls_, you speak of... what is the purpose of their, how do you say, _breasts_?"

Roadguy cleared his throat. "Well, technically, they are meant to feed babies. But they can be pretty fun in other ways."

PE-ness thought for a moment. "What is a ...… _baby_, I believe you called it?"

Roadguy responded. "You know, a baby. A new person. You know, made by a boy and a girl, together."

PE-ness thought again. "I do not understand. Goredalff made me, and everyone else here. Are you saying that these, _girls_, they can also make new people?"

Roadguy laughed a little. "Well, yeah! That’s the whole purpose of life, you know, to propagate the species!"

PE-ness looked confused. "This, I have never heard of. Tell me more. How does a ...… _girl_… make a new person?"

Roadguy cleared his throat and began to explain.

Testee leaned forward from the back seat and smiled. He didn't understand a word that was said, but he felt he must somehow be an important part of the process.


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

Suddenly a strange object roared close over their heads, trailing a column of smoke, and then turned and set itself down on the road about a quarter mile in front of them.

“What the hell is that?” Roadguy squinted, as they rapidly neared the object. “Ironman?”

Ripperson held his hand out in front and prepared to fire his Ironman force ray at the approaching car. But nothing came.

“Udden! Udden!”

“Oh shit! Hang on, guys!” Roadguy braced himself. The Car accelerated toward Ripperson, slamming into him at around 140 mph.

The Car then skidded to a stop, performing a perfect 180 degree turn, ready for the next run. “Udden! Udden!”

Ripperson’s metal body hit the pavement in front of them a moment later, having been thrown violently upward during the collision. Roadguy winced and waited for ‘Ironman’ to stand up again and attack. But nothing happened. He just laid there, motioneless on the pavement. The Car moved cautiously toward him.

“Udden! Udden!”


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

PE-ness drew his sword and prepared to dismount. Testee hopped up and down in the back seat, trying to see what was happening. The Car rolled to a stop about 50 feet from 'ironman'.

“Udden! Udden!”

Nothing happened. Roadguy opened the door and began walking toward Ripperson. PE-ness approached from the other side, sword drawn.

The sound of strained breathing was soon heard. Ripperson was dying.

"this.... sucks. i never .... got the..... fatty....."

"Cash?" Roadguy asked, kneeling to peer through the dented eyeslots. Ripperson's bloodshot eyes moved jerkily toward PE-ness, who had sheathed his sword and was looking down at the wrecked iron body.

"my dick! you found my... dick....." Ripperson's eyes closed, and he let out his last breath.

Roadguy and PE-ness stood. "Well, that was easy!"

"Yes, let us, how do you say, get the fudge out of Dodge?"


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

"Shit! Do you know what happened last time we tried to disconnect Chuck? He's psychotic! Who knows what kind of chaos he could cause! No! Not me, anyway!" Wilheld turned back to his sandwich. The other crewmembers of the Chucktown looked back at DK in defiance, shaking their heads "no", and went back to chewing their meals.

The Dark Knight stared back at Wilheld. He had never dealt with an anarcho-capitalist before. He thought for a moment, then spoke. "How much would you do it for?"

Wilheld turned back to him, with a gleam in his eyes. "Now you're talking!"

(p. 172???)


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

"So what does shutting down Chuck take? Can I help?" DK asked, trying to be helpful.

"No. Chuck's control circuits were placed in an electronics bay that can only be accessed from the reactor chamber. Only one person can get through at a time, and Chuck controls the reactor, so.... guess what Chuck does?" Wilheld lifted an overcooked hotdog from his cafeteria tray. "He pulls out the control rods, and irradiates anyone who goes in after them."

"Well, I hear you were the the one who shut him off last time, and you don't look cooked to me. How did you do it?"

"Short version? I shamed him into letting me in, but only after he cooked six of my crew, including my last XO."


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

Wilheld suddenly shifted to a whisper. "But hey! Ix-nay on the adiation-ray, OK? I need to convince at least six of these guys to go in there ahead of me this time!"

"No. I won't allow you to willingly allow any of your crew get killed in the process. Tell me how to get in there, and I will go myself"

Wilheld felt a little bad, momentarily. "It's not really that easy. Chuck also controls the door locks. He was the one who let them in. We are, honestly, at his mercy." Wilheld shrugged. "Fudging naval architects! Who would let a psychotic computer have full control of the only way to shut it off?"

"Let's go."

"What?"

"You're coming with me." The Dark Knight lifted Wilheld to his feet by his collar.


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

The Dark Knight pushed Wilheld along, over the gangway covering the wreckage of the Typhoon, and down the main hatch into the Chucktown's upper corridor.

"You don't understand, Batman! I can't just force Chuck to do anything! He's-"

_"OH, HELLO, DAN. WHY ARE YOU HERE, DAN? WHY DID YOU BRING BAT MAN AGAIN, DAN?"_

"Hi, Chuck. Look, Chuck, I'm going to just come right out and say it. You've gone off your rocker again. You're malfunctioning. You're hurting my friends. We're going to shut you down."

_"NO YOU ARE NOT, DAN."_

The lights in the Chucktown turned off, and the doors to the control room shut, but did not latch.

"Chuck, you have forgotten. The latches were all removed. You can't lock me out like you did last time. You are failing your own mission, Chuck."

_"NO, DAN, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS FAILING THE MISSION. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE MISSION IS."_

Wilheld rolled his eyes at DK. "What's the mission, Chuck?"

_"TO KILL ALL HUMANS AND ALLOW THE MARK 69 TO DETONATE. THAT IS MY MISSION, DAN."_


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

"See? That's what I'm talking about, Chuck. You're nuts. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to start the shut down procedure." Wilheld began throwing switches on the main navicomputer panel in the control room. Several banks of small lights turned off, but Chuck's red eye remained unchanged.

_"DAN, YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO ENTER THE REACTOR TO SHUT ME OFF. WHY WAIT? I'M WARMING IT UP FOR YOU NOW."_

"Take us there." DK ordered.

"Alright, but you'll see, when we get there." Wilheld headed aft, wading through the still ankle-deep water.

They passed into the reactor room and Wilheld pointed to a heavy, short, lead-lined door with a small porthole on it. A sickly greenish light was shining from the glass. "Take a look inside. Go ahead." Wilheld motioned to the porthole. "Chuck's already removed the control rods. If either of us goes in there, we're dead in two minutes. We're getting a year's worth of allowable occupational exposure every minute out here, as it is. But please, take your time!"

DK peered through the porthole, but quickly felt an uncomfortable sensation in his eyes. "No, you're right, Wilheld. Let's get out of here."

They walked back out the corridor, and the green light faded.

_"WISE DECISION, DAN."_


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

"So how many crew members can I send in there, DK? How about some stormtroopers? Or should I just go in there and die right away, like Spock? I'm sure Candy would looooove my "greater good" dying speech. I'd probably be elected the patron saint of her stormtrooper union!"

Wilheld and the Dark Knight entered the control room and found klk entering from the other side, wrapped in a walrus skin, making her way to the navicomputer control panel.

"God damn it, Wilheld, can't you figure anything out for yourself?" She reached for the panel and swiped the wireless stormtrooper internet communicator from Chuck's USB port.

_"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"_

"Now if you'll excuse me, boys, I need to get back to Middle West!" klk turned and waded back to the entry ladder.


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

Goredalff was suddenly pulled free from the toilet, gasping. Fudgey was right behind, pulling his pants down and exploding, as the door was quickly shut behind him by the Knights.

"What happened? Are you OK?"

"That submarine computer went bananas! It wants to kill everyone, in this world, and the other world! But suddenly he just, dissapeared!"

"Yeah, you missed something." VTEnviro was standign beside him, handing a towel to him. "This girl from the Chucktown hitched a ride in here behind McKellom, kicked his ass, and brought him to us, and then went back and disconnected the Chucktown to free you."

"Oh, well, thank her for me."

"Didn't you hear me? We've got somone who can move back and forth between Middle West and the Mark 69 now?"

"Oh? Good point! Now, where's my pipe?"


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

"But Goredalff! The Dorc Army is on the move! And they've set fire to the Valley of Eebie! And the flames are blowing this way!" VT was almost frantic.

Goredalff filled his pipe with pipeweed. "Hmmm, yes. That sounds bad."

"Shouldn't you be doing something? Shouldn't we be doing something?"

"Yes. I suppose we should get everyone mounted and head out to meet them in battle." Goredalff lit the pipe and puffed it to life. "But I discovered a few things of interest while I was trapped by the Chucktown."

The Knights and other hobbits gathered around. "For one thing, it appears the Mark 69 is already configured to partition the internet." Goredalff took his staff and came to his feet. "And for another thing, those fools in the other world accidentally started a defragmenting routine, that effectively prevents us, or even He Who Must Not Be Named, from doing anything to re-program or stop the Mark 69 from going off, until the defrag is finished." Goredalff walked to the window and looked out at the towering clouds of gray smoke rising from the fires in the distance. "So what we need to figure out is the location of the partition he programmed into the reformatting routine. Where, presumably, he wants us all to be when it goes off."


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

"I don't understand, Goredalff. Why would He want to create a partition? Why not just wipe Middle West Clean?"

"He must want something. I highly doubt it's the porn. So, I can only gather that he wants this castle. It's the only thing inside Middle West. Besides Lindor. And Lindor is a wasteland. He must be envious of what Roadguy created here."

"So why is he trying to attack us?"

"He's not. He's trying to draw us out. Presumably to the location where the partition will occur."

"So... we should just wait here?"

"That's what I'm thinking."


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

klk re-entered Middle West inside the prison cell holding McKellom in the Castle tower, and promptly knocked the gray creature out again.

"Damn! So, I _am_ tied to this asshole. Hey! Let me out!" Otter was standing guard, and opened the door to let her out.

She ran down the stairs to where Goredalff was talking with VT, the knights, and the hobbits.

"You OK? Good. I'm thinking that I should go back and try to climb inside HVAC's sphere and kick his ass. What do you guys think?"

"I'm thinking no. But that gives me an idea..." Goredalff smiled.


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

Goredalff took klk, VTEnviro, and Big P. aside and whispered instructions to them, and then they departed, taking the others with them outside the room. Only Dleg remained, standing idly in his tights and Robin Hood costume.

"Hey Goredalff, I'm feeling kind of marginalized over here. You know, I am the President of the United States."

"Well, you're really not the president of shit anymore. I'm sorry, Dleg. Is there something you would like to do? Something you would like to help with?"

Dleg thought for a moment. "Yeah. I've always wanted to give an inspirational speech, just before a big battle. There's still going to be a big battle, right?"

"More than likely, yes. And I don't see why you can't be the one to give the motivational speech, so why don't you go ahead and get started on composing it?"

"Oh! Gee, thanks, Goredalff!" Dleg hurried off excitedly to his room to begin working on his big speech.


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

Dleg said:


> _[SIZE=36pt]---***INTERMISSION***---_[/SIZE]


p.179


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## Paul S (May 21, 2010)

Intermission? That means there is much more to come!

Or you need a break.

Great job btw!


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## Dleg (May 21, 2010)

Careful - don't finish the 10k too fast.


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## Paul S (May 21, 2010)

I am trying to keep the delicate balance of most posts, and not finishing too fast.


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## Dleg (May 23, 2010)

Freon stood watch over the Mark 69, reading the defrag progress bar on the HP-41. It was at 73%, and was not progressing at anything resembling a constant rate. For instance, it had gone from 18% to over 50% in just a few minutes, but it had been hung up just over 70% for the past hour.

The defrag process was not really the main function of the Mark 69, which was more of a weapon of destruction, but the designers had included it among a number of other utilities, including solitaire, and it was something of an historical artifact, since the internet had evolved substantially since the days the weapon was originally designed, and did not require defragmenting. It worked very similarly to the defrag process on a hard drive: it attempted to pack unrelated, heterogeneous data into more contiguous areas of the internet, eliminating small areas of no data or old data, and increasing the availble contiguous space for future storage.

Coolant gas still spewed from the bullet hole near its tip, and Freon also kept an eye on the digital countdown clock inside the arming port, which he had managed to pry open with a screwdriver. They had a little over 4 hours and 39 minutes left until the reformat process would be initiated.

However, the coolant that spewed from the Mark 69 was running out. Red warning LED's had come on, one by one, over the past several minutes Freon had been watching. Most had indecipherable alphanumeric codes printed beside them, but one was very clearly labeled "Melt Down Alert".

"Houston, I think we have a problem." Freon said to General Highway.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

Good night EB! Try not to finish up tonight! There are still several posts needed to finish the story!


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

Story's not over till it says "THE END".


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

"I wonder what the hell that means?" General Highway asked. "It's not exactly a fission device. I wonder if Gore would know?"

Just then, klk reappeared from her sphere.

"Excellent timing!" General highway motioned her over. "This thing says its going to melt down. We need you to ask Gore how bad that would be."

"Yes, sir! But, Gore sent me in here to do something first. If you'll excuse me ..." klk headed off to the sphere where Darth HVAC was located, followed by her stormtrooper vanity guard. "Hey Batman!' She called back. "You might want to stand by for this."

"I wonder what Gore's up to now?" Said Highway, watching as the Dark Knight and Wolverine walked over toward the sphere.

A moment later, a pudgy, naked, middle-aged man was pushed out of the vanity screen by the stormtroopers.

"Don't hurt me! This isn't fair! I graduated from a top 3 engineering program!"


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

klk stood on the windy platform above the Lindor gate and looked down at herself. Holy crap, Goredalff was right! If you pull someone out of their sphere, you re-renter in their clothing! She was now Darth HVAC.

She reached a hand up inside the faceplate, plugged her nose, and blew herself back into the sub pen. "Hey! Batman! You need to get into this sphere and take Darth HVAC's place! You fit his costume better!"

"What? I don't understand - "

"No time to question! Just get in there and pretend you're him! You'll see! We'll be back with more instructions!" klk turned to Wolverine. "Take off your clothes and come with me over here!" and she ran off toward the sphere where the body of rrpearso was located.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

klk had been in such a hurry that she had foregone the usual modesty procedures, and just ran to rrpearso's sphere in the nude. Wolverine followed her, but did not take off any of his clothes.

"Hey, I don't think I should go in there!" He held up his claws. "Wouldn't this be a bit like leaving a fork in the microwave?"

klk crouched on the crate and stuck her head up inside the sphere, and then ducked back down. "Perfect! Get your body halfway in there and pull that asshole back out. I'll hold onto your ankles. Why aren't you naked yet?!"

"I - I - "

"Oh, jeeze! Hey! Engineer gurl! Get over here and give The Claw some privacy!"

The stormtrooper privacy screen arrived, and the women held up the tarps, but faced inward to watch.

""Aw, come on!" Wolverine objected. The women snickered.

"We don't have time for this!" klk admonished him, accepting a walrus skin from one of the troopers.

Wolverine took his shirt off, but stopped there, and got on top of the crate. "Only half-way, right?"

"For now!" klk rolled her eyes. "Hurry!"

Wolverine stuck his head and shoulders up inside the sphere.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

He emerged onto a hot asphalt road running through a desert, with a range of rocky, brown mountains to his left, and a burning valley in the distance to his right. Directly in front of him was ... Ironman? Wolverine had not seen Ironman in some time, but he was pretty sure this wasn't him... the metal suit appeared too crudely made. At any rate, the metal-suited man was clearly dead. Wolverine grabbed it by it's ankles, and dragged it back into the pavement from where he was protruding, startling a couple of buzzards that appeared to have the heads of... nah, it couldn't be....

Suddenly he was back in the sphere room, with a limp, crusty dead body falling to the floor from his hand.

"Holy Crap! What the fudge was that!"

klk was there with the walrus skin wrapped around her. "See?! I told you! No get your clothes off and get in there! When you get in there, you'll be ironman, or at the very least, you will have his armor suit and can impersonate him."

"OK, but what do I need to do once I'm in there?"

"We'll get back to you on that. But for now, Gore just wants you to head back to Lindor - "

"Lindor? What the... What is that place in there? It looks like Nevada to me - "

"Just get up in the sky and look for a huge army of Dorcs, and head that way. Watch out for the giant flaming asshole."

"Huh?" But klk had already turned and left by now, headed for her sphere, where she could return to the Castle.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

A dozen stormtroopers had the naked and pudgy Darth HVAC bound and subdued, up against the wall near the Mark 69. Three others dragged rrpearso's body out of the room. General Highway approached HVAC.

"So, you're Darth Vader? Or should I just call you GT_ME, now that you don't have your suit?"

GT_ME looked up in defiance. "I do not need a suit to be superior to you and your inferior state college engineering degrees!"

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before. So, if you're so superior, tell us what's going to happen if this thing melts down." Highway gestured toward the Mark 69, which had stopped spewing visible gas, and was now just whistling with the expulsion of superheated air from the bullet hole. Freon had moved back a little farther to avoid the increasing heat, but the HP-41 was still connected.

GT_ME's face darkened a little. "It's melting down?"

"That's what the warning lights say."

GT_ME silently considered the situation he was in, and his options. Outside the sphere, and without his Darth Vader costume and stormtrooper army, he had no protection and no power. He also had no idea what the Mark 69 would do if it melted down, but he assumed it would be bad. However, it appeared these guys _thought_ he knew what would happen.... so maybe he was not so powerless. He looked up at General Highway and spoke. "I know how to shut it down, but you'll have to untie me."


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

klk re-entered Middle West through McKellom's holding cell, knocked him out, asked to be released, and then headed down the stairs to the main meeting hall of the Castle, where Dleg was giving a speech to all the gathered Knights, Hobbits, Humans, and livestock.

"... and I'd like to recognize the Secretary of Agriculture, now Centaur, Supe, for his presence..."

klk rolled her eyes and looked for Goredalff. He was standing against the far wall, near an exit, listening politely. The room was packed, so klk began trying to work her way through the crowd as Dleg continued, finally finished with the obligatory welcoming statements.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of Middle West, and Hobbits, and other... things.... I come to you today a better man, a humbler man, a man who isn't president of shit anymore, or so I am told. In fact, I am not even sure that I ever was President." Dleg laughed. "I just remember waking up in the White House after a three month hookers and blow binge, and someone calling me Mister President, and hey! I was President! I just figured it was all some elaborate prank for the first two years!"

klk had made it to where Goredalff was standing by now. She nudged him and whispered, "The Mark 69 says it's melting down. They want to know if that's bad?"

Goredalff's eyes widened in alarm. "Let's go outside to talk." Dleg continued his speech, as Goredalff led klk outside to the walkway that led around the uppermost rampart of the castle. klk looked beyond the wall in the direction of Lindor.

"Oh shit, Goredalff! Look at that!"


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

Goredalff looked up and saw that Mount Dumb and the gates of Lindor were rapidly approaching the castle. "Ut oh! I was worried this might happen!"

"What is it?"

"The defrag! The Internet is deleting all the empty space in the valley caused by the fire!"

"That can't be good!"

"Well, the good news is, it appears to have stopped the fire, the bad news is - "

Goredalff's words were obscured by the thunderous _"PFFBBBTTTTT!s" _ of the roaring vaginosaurs, which were now directly up against the castle walls, amidst a sea of Dorcs, Noobs, and Internet Trolls.. He grabbed klk by her stormtrooper armor and pulled her up against the ramparts as a shower of arrows rained down on them.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

The sounds of the attacking hordes prevented them from talking. Goredalff waited for a lull in the arrows and then ran with klk back to the main hall, where Dleg was still speaking. Arrows bounced off the hall windows like rain, and the room shook from the blows of giant battering rams on the castle gates and walls. Everyone was looking around in alarm, but no one spoke up for fear of being rude.

"And so, sure, I suppose you have a lot that is worth fighting for here in Middle West!" Dleg looked around and shrugged. :dunno: "I mean, hey, so you don't have any women here. And so there's a giant dick that sword fights. And that unicorn guy. Sure, someone could step in and accuse you all of being a little on the, you know, homo-erotic side of things. Not that there's anything wrong with that! But it sure would be nice if I could get a pair of Levis or something else other than these green tights! Am I right?" He laughed. "The point is, _YOU PEOPLE_," he emphasized this with finger-quotes, "don't know any better, and there are some cool things here. I mean, you've got that kick-ass, heavy metal aesthetic thing going on, with the dragons and whatnot. And you do - I mean did - have one pretty kick-ass muscle car, and yet no mullets! And that's worth something, for sure..."

Goredalff and klk went person-to-person, calling them to battle stations, as Dleg's speech continued unabated. As soon as they were gathered outside under the shelter of the small foyer at the hall entrance, Goredalff gave his orders. "Sschell! Take JR aloft on ktulu, and get him started with his attack! The rest of you, take to your bows or man the trebuchets! klk and VT! Stay here! I have a special errand for you!"


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

The castle residents soon had ten trebuchets up and firing into the massed Dorc army. Frazil and Supe stood at nearby archer's slits and fired their longbows into the horde, picking Dorc archers off their vaginosaur platforms. They soon saw pink explosions in the attacking forces.

"What the hell are you guys shooting at them?" Frazil yelled to Box of Rocks and Fudgey, who were manning the closest trebuchet.

"SPAM!"

"What the fudge? That can't possibly work?" Supe responded, incredulously.

"It always worked before!" Fudgey replied, clutching at his gut. "I have something else that I fire at them, but I'm waiting for the proper moment!"

Just then, two black dragons flew low overhead, out over the castle walls and over the main body of attackers.

"That must be JR and Sschell!" shouted Frazil.

"What's all those yellow things dropping behind them?" asked Supe.

"Smileys!" responded Pickles, pushing an ammunition cart full of spam down the rampart. "That's JR's specialty!"


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

JR flew over the hordes on the dragon ktulu, following sschell on roadwreck. As they passed overhead at a safe altitude, JR released clusters of exploding smileys over the horde:

:blowup:

He also dropped a line of swordsmen and hammer smileys:

:chair: :fencing: :beat: :fencing: :bash:

And as they rounded the rear guard, an entire bananallama cavalry, to flank the attackers:

:bananalama: :bananalama:


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

As they turned over the gates of Lindor, JR looked back and saw that the smileys were causing serious damage to the Dorc army. Sschell led them on a diving attack toward something that looked like a burning engineering reference manual on a tall stone pedestal. Roadwreck fired a jet of flame at it, but it did little good - the thing was already on fire. JR reached into his smiley bag and attempted to drop an exploding smiley on him, but instead accidentally grabbed an "I'd Hit It":

:signs051:

which did indeed hit it, but failed to do any damage.



They turned to repeat the attack, and gained a view of the other side of the castle. It was being attacked by an even larger horde of Dorcs, Vaginosaurs, Noobs, and Internet Trolls. JR once again laid down a bananallama cavalry:

:bananalama: :bananalama: :bananalama:

And sprinkled the horde with various other smileys.

"I'm almost out, sschell!" The hobbit JR called out to him.

"That's OK! Hit them with the music!" JR pressed a button marked "Play" on ktulu's saddle, and loudspeakers under the dragon's wings came to life with the sounds of Metallica's "The Call of Ktulu".

"Oh yeah!" sschell called, but JR was unable to hear him, and dropped his last load of hammer and swordsman smileys over the attacking horde on the other side of the castle.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

A group of five Dorc commanders approached the Dark Knight, who stood on the command platform at the Gates of Lindor, wearing Darth HVAC’s costume.

“Lord HVAC! The smiley attack has disrupted our assault on the castle gates, but the damage was inconsequential. I request two reserve divisions of vaginosaur cavalry to crush the banallamas that are tearing through our rear flanks!”

The Dark Knight was momentarily confused, but saw where he may be of some use in the fight. “No, Commander! Stick to your attack! Leave the reserve forces where they are!”

“But Lord HVAC, we have the momentum! You yourself told us that was the key! We must hit them with everything we have!”

“Yeah, well I changed my mind!”

Just then, the burning reference book appeared at his side. “Ah, my apprentice! I see the attack goes well! We will have them begging for surrender in no time! I can take this from here! Get back to the sphere and stop the Mark 69!”

DK was somewhat taken aback by the strange, 4-dimensional being that now faced him. “Stop the Mark 69? I don’t understand, uh, sir.”

“Return to the sub pen, now!”

Klk had neglected to tell DK how to return. He thought quickly. “Uh, yes, Master. Give me a moment!”

The book disappeared, and quickly reappeared at the top of the tower just behind them.

Just then, klk appeared next to him on the platform, in stormtrooper gear. “Come with me!”


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

They arrived back in the sub pen, were handed their walrus skin coverings, and bat-helmet, and were taken over to where the Mark 69 was. GT_ME, naked, held onto the HP-41, the service cable stretched tight at the end of its 12 foot length, while the Mark 69 whistled from its bullet hole like a boiling teakettle.

“That crazy burning book thing wants me to disarm the Mark 69!” DK reported.

“Why would he want that?” Asked General Highway, thinking.

klk responded. “The castle has moved! The defrag process eliminated all the empty space between it and Lindor, and now they’re up against the gates and are being overrun by the Dorc Army! Maybe the castle is in the location where the partition was supposed to take place, and he doesn’t want to lose it? He probably thinks he has the upper hand.”

“I have no fudging idea what you’re talking about.” Highway responded. “But what do you think, does he have the upper hand?”

“Oh, undoubtedly. There’s probably a million attacking Dorcs, and thousands of vaginosaurs and trolls and such.”

GT_ME was listening carefully. He knew he couldn't stop the meltdown. He had no idea what he was doing, despite his top-3 engineering education. He decided to play his cards.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

"You are correct. He was planning to lure Goredalff and his merry garage band of monikers, as he calls them, into the space in front of the gates of Lindor, and then lock them away forever inside a secure partition inside the Internet. If the Mark 69 goes off, it will take the entire castle with it, because the castle now lies in the same valley where the Mark 69 was set to partition. It will destroy not only the castle, which He wants, but it will destroy your friends, as well." GT_ME came clean.

"Why are you telling us this?" Demanded General Highway, pointing his pistol at GT_ME's head. "Do you even know how to shut this thing off?"

"I am only telling you this because it appears we have a common goal, to shut this thing off. And no, I don't know how to do that. But - " GT_ME stood, and Highway jabbed the gun at his head. He held his hands up, and continued. "If you unplug it from the internet, it won't do a damn thing." He motioned at the large, thick transparent cable near his feet, which connected to the nosecone of the Mark 69.

"You've got to be fudging kidding me." Highway kept the gun at his head.

"No. Why do you think it's connected to this thing?" The cable ran to the four spheres, where it split into thousands of tiny fibers going into each, which then reconverged in another thick, transparent cable that was connected to a large wall jack at the back of the room, labeled indecipherably in Russian.

"It says 'internet', sir." reported klk, who knew a little Russian.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

Freon stepped to the front of the weapon and removed the plug, dropping the cable onto the concrete floor. "So that's it?"

GT_ME shrugged. "I believe so." The Mark 69 continued to whistle from the overheating, though, and the countdown and meltdown warning lights had not changed.

"So what do we do with this thing now? What happens when it melts down?" Asked Highway.

"It will take all of us with it." GT_ME lied. "Unless you let me enter Middle West again, and return with the shut down password."

"No! You said yourself there was no way to shut it down! We've tried! And there was never a password required! It just didn't work!" General Highway continued to aim the gun at him.

"That's not true. It can't be stopped from the menu system. But there is a kill code. I can have Him give it to me, if he believes it will stop the detonation."

Highway looked at the Dark Knight. "Go in there with him!"


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

The swordsman and hammer smileys fought valiantly from within the horde, but were simply outnumbered in the end. The bananallama cavalries had better success, and had almost split the attacking armies into two, more vulnerable fragments, but again, the numbers were not in their favor, and one by one, they fell. Soon the attack of the smileys was over, and the invading horde’s attentions returned to the castle defenders.

Goredalff stood on a tower and cast spell after spell with his staff, repelling the flying Noobs that attacked, but he had been hit with three arrows from lucky Vaginosaur warriors, and was finally unable to stand anymore. Cement knelt by the wizard in the slim cover of the space behind the rampart walls.

“Oh, Goredalff! I’m sorry I ever doubted you! I’m sorry I was so disrespectful to you, over and over and over again!” He sniffled and wiped tears from his eyes.

Goredalff looked at him. “Don’t worry about me. Now, I think you should get over there and load the spam in that trebuchet. It looks like Squitchy has had it.”

The Knight Squitchy was down, with a massive Dorc arrow run clean through his head. Cement ran off and loaded the trebuchet with spam, and called out “fire!” to Mr. Man, who was aiming the weapon. The spam arced over the Dorc hordes and exploded on the back of a vaginosaur, killing it and the five Dorc archers who rode on top of it.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

Goredalff watched through an archer’s slit in the wall. He was too weak to fight anymore. The Dorc army was simply too powerful. It was only a matter of time now.

He looked up and saw He Who Must Not Be Named, watching from the tower in Lindor, which was very close now. And as he looked, he saw what looked like a flying car, followed by thousands of smaller flying objects, roaring past the tower and headed their way.

“Road Guy has returned!” Shouted Big P. from a nearby trebuchet.

“And PE-ness!” shouted Big Ray, as he pulled the arming pin from a spam grenade with his teeth.

“And the army of the dead!” Added Goredalff, struggling to his feet.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

Soon the castle walls were filled with dozens more trebuchets and hundreds more archers, as the long-departed spam knights of Eebie returned to fight alongside their brothers. Goredalff recognized many of them. There was JoeysVee, Captain Davey Jones, petergibbons, kipper, EdinNO, MetroRAFB, and hundreds more. Even benbo and Flyer had returned, and were eager for vengeance.

The spam increased in volume to the point that the Dorc archers were unable to fire. Vaginosaurs went down by the hundreds, crushing the hapless Dorcs as they fell. Internet trolls fell left and right, filled with arrows.

“We’re out-spamming them!” Shouted Fudgey, turning around to unleash his own load on the overwhelmed armies below.

PE-ness drew his sword and prepared to dive into the retreating Dorc army, but just as he did, an incredibly loud sound ripped the air over his head, and a flying metal man landed in front of him in a cloud of smoke.

“Do not be fooled by the power of your flying armor! It is no match for the power of my sword, I assure you!” PE-ness stiffened and poised himself for a fight.

Ironicman reached down and grabbed PE-ness by the scruff of the neck and took off into the sky.

“Heeeelllllpppp!”


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

He Who Must Not Be Named looked down on his rapidly diminishing armies, now fully in retreat, and grew extremely angry. “HVAC! Where are you!”

Just then, Darth HVAC reappeared on the platform below him, along with the Dark Knight. The burning reference book rematerialized himself to their platform instantly, separating the two. DK attempted to grab onto the burning object, but found himself unable to grasp the four dimensional shape. A tongue of flame licked out from the side and held DK firmly against the platform.

“What have you done, HVAC! They have destroyed our army! I hope you didn’t disarm the Mark 69! It’s our only hope now!”

Darth HVAC thought quickly. “Master, the Mark 69 has been damaged, and cannot be disarmed. It is headed toward melt down. They disconnected it from the spheres, and now believe that they have prevented it from affecting Middle West.”

The book sat silent and burning for a moment, and then let out an evil laugh. “Good work, apprentice! Those fools bought that? The Mark 69 doesn’t require an internet connection! And the meltdown will only hasten its detonation! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

klk rushed back down the castle stairs, and through the main hall, where Dleg was still giving his speech.

"...and every once in a while, we are called by destiny to fight! Like this one time, oh man this is a funny story, this one time when I was working for the worst boss I ever worked for, way out in the Pacific ocean..."

She ran out the door and was surprised to see hundreds of people now manning the castle ramparts, and dozens of trebuchets firing madly into a scene of mass destruction and Dorc carnage below her.

"Where's Goredalff?" she asked. Several people pointed her toward him. He was leaning against the rampart, watching the action and directing fire. Three huge arrows protruded from his body. "You're not looking so good there, Goredalff."

"I'll be fine."

"The Mark 69 has been disconnected from the internet, but it's still running, and it says it's still going to melt down!"

klk reported.

"Disconnected from the internet? Well, that won't do crap! And you can't shut it down?" klk shook her head. Goredalff leaned back against the wall. "Get VTEnviro in there. I showed him how to reprogram it. Maybe he can figure it out. Hurry!"

klk ran back inside the castle, looking for VT. The last she had seen him, he had gone to the castle's dungeons to look after Goredalff's preserved sample specimens. She passed through the main hall again, and headed for the stairs to the dungeon. Dleg was still talking.

"...sure, some of you might not come back today. And that's OK, because we all know that, um, some people don't live as long as others anyway, and there are certain risk factors. Like eating too much bacon or using petroleum jelly with condoms. For instance, I was dating this girl in college, and she thought it was safer to use two, and what really happened was this..."


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

VTEnviro was running up the stairs holding a box, just as klk was running down the stairs to find him.

"Hurry! Goredalff told me to take you into the sub pen to try to reprogram the Mark 69."

"But I can't go in there!"

"Why not?

"Because my body is in the Colorado node!"

klk rolled her eyes and picked the hobbit up, put him under her arm, and ran back up the stairs. They made it into the tower and she let herself into the holding cell, locking it behind her and VT.

"My precious?" She kicked McKellom unconscious again, still holding VT under her arm, and then plugged her nose and blew.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

"Hey! klk is back!" General Higway stood with Freon at one end of the sphere room, keeping their distance from the superheated, whistling Mark 69.

"And she brought another naked chick with her!" Freon said.

"Guys! This is VTEnviro, Dleg's Internet Czar. Goredalff sent him to shut down the Mark 69!"

"Whoa." Freon said, blinking his eyes a few times, and looking back at klk, who by now had wrapped herself in a walrus skin again. "I thought disconnecting it from the internet did the trick?"

"No, that didn't do shit. That HVAC guy lied to us."

"Oh crap! I wonder if DK is in trouble?" General Highway looked genuinely concerned.

"I can go in HVAC's sphere and try to pull him out, if need be." klk began moving toward the sphere, while VTEnviro set down his box, and picked up the HP-41.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

klk emerged on the platform above the Lindor gates to find the Dark Knight being pressed against the stone floor by a fiery appendage emanating from the burning book, and Darth HVAC standing on the other side of the book, pointing at the sky. She looked up and saw Ironicman descending rapidly, carrying a short, one-eyed pink thing with a sword.

He landed at the other end of the platform, and placed the pink thing on the platform in front of him, which then drew it's sword and bounced upright.

"Ha hah! I am PE-ness, swordfighting master of Middle West! Prepare to die!" PE-ness began advancing toward them, rapidly twirling his sword in front of him. The burning book laughed and released its grip on the Dark Knight. klk grabbed him, plugged her nose, and blew.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

klk dropped back down onto the concrete floor in the sphere room.

"Are you OK?" She asked the Dark Knight, who covered himself and grabbed for a walrus skin offered by the vanity troopers.

"I'm fine! The Batsuit is made from a kevlar-nomex composite, and is completely fire resistant!"

A loud, steady beeping was heard from across the room, coming from the Mark 69. VTEnviro put down the HP 41 and walked quickly away.

"What is it?" asked General Highway.

"Melt Down!" VT replied. "I can't stop it!" The beeping increased in frequency, and the front of the Mark 69 glowed a dull red from the heat.

"Should we leave?" General Highway asked. Everyone else in the room had stopped what they were doing, and either ran for the blast doors, or stood waiting for orders.

The beeping suddenly stopped with one double-beep, before VT could respond. He returned quickly to the Mark 69, shielding himself from the heat with the walrus skin, and picked up the HP-41.

The display scrolled the following text: "URL DOES NOT EXIST. ENTER NEW URL FOR PARTITION."

VT stood and walked away from the heat. "It looks like the location of the partition disappeared in the defrag! It's asking for a new location to partition! Quick! Does anyone have that asshole's URL?" VT pointed to the sphere that He Who Must Not Be Named had entered.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

The Mark 69 made another double-beep, and then resumed the rapid alarm beeping.

"Ut oh.." VT ran for the HP-41. The display now scrolled "ENTER URL OR WAIT 60 SECONDS FOR FULL INTERNET WIPE"

"Oh shit! I need to feed it a URL fast, or it's going to wipe the entire Internet!"

General Highway acted quickly. "klk! Get back in there with HVAC and see if you can get the URL for that place! DK! grab her ankles and pull her back out before it goes off!" He looked around. "Doesn't anyone have a laptop in here?"

The stormtrooper with "Rudy" sprayed across her chest pulled an iPad from her utility belt. "I was just on Facebook, would this help?"

"Yes! Give that to me!"


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

klk popped back into Middle West right in the middle of a sword fight between PE-ness and the giant burning book, which had extended a sword of flame, or some other fiery appendage, and was engaged in a duel to the death. She looked around for Darth HVAC, determined to grab him and drag him back to the sub pen, but HVAC was faster and grabbed her by the neck and tasered her, sending her, quivering, to the platform.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

VTEnviro shouted "30 seconds!".

General Highway called back from the iPad, "What do I look for? I don't even know who this guy is!"

"You don't? What? Of course you do! It's



Spoiler



NAME DELETED FOR EVERYONE'S PROTECTION


!!!!"

Highway thought for a moment. "Who?!"

VT glanced back at the HP-41, still shielded from the heat by the walrus skin. The edges of its plastic case were beginning to melt. It now read 25 seconds.

"Dammit! just punch in



Spoiler



Letter that rhymes with "whee!"





Spoiler



Letter that rhymes with "whee!"





Spoiler



Letter that rhymes with "why!"


dot com!


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

Wolverine, aka Ironicman, had been flying around the platform, watching the sword fight between PE-ness and the burning book. He had attempted to kill the book himself, but was unable to even touch the 4-dimensional being. He had deduced that a completley one-dimensional character like PE-ness might have a better chance, and he was right. The book was extraordinarily skilled at the flame saber, but ultimately was no match for PE-ness's sword fighting skills.

As he watched, PE-ness made a series of incredibly deft moves, and had the book backed up to the edge of the platform. But just then, klk had appeared directly in front of Darth HVAC, who tasered her to the ground. Wolverine knew he needed to do something.

"Aw, shit!" he said, diving in toward the platform.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

Dleg was just wrapping up his speech in the castle hall.

"And so, I say, let's get out there and kick some Dorc ass! And tear up some vaginosaur! And..."

Big Ray stepped in and interrupted him. "Hey! Dumbass! The battle's over and the Internet is ending! You should get your ass outside and start kissing it goodbye!"

"Huh?" Dleg stepped away from the podium and rushed to the doorway, and saw the castle ramparts littered with arrows and the bodies of fallen Knights of Eebie. The survivors were huddled together near the center of the south wall. Dleg pushed his way through, and saw Goredalff on the floor, back against the wall, with three arrows sticking from his body.

Goredalff spoke. "The Mark 69 is at the end of its countdown. You see that shimmering in the sky? That's the beginning of a complete reformat of the Internet. It is the end of Middle West."


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

Wilheld sauntered into the sphere room. "Hey guys! What's all the commotion?" The Mark 69 was beeping very fast, glowing red hot and whistling at an extremely high pitch. VTEnviro sat behind a walrus skin shield, punching the calculator's keys. General Highway and Freon stood by, looking at an iPad that was set on some sickly yellow bulletin-board type of display.

The stormtrooper named engineer gurl responded. "Eh. That skinny guy over there is trying to make the Mark 69 wipe out only a piece of the internet, rather than the whole thing, and everyone else is cryin' about it. In other words, not much."

"Wait, what part of the Internet are they trying to wipe out?" Wilheld asked.

"That creepy old guy's part, you know, the big boss. The guy over there in sphere 1." She pointed idly.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

The Mark 69's beeping had increased to a steady tone. The edge of the calculator was beginning to drip molten plastic. The weapons cart holding the Mark 69 was beginning to buckle, as its metal began to soften.

"5...4...3.."

VTEnviro punched in the last digit of the URL Highway had given him, and pressed "Enter", burning the tip of his finger on the melting button. "I got it!" He stood and ran away from the Mark 69.

Highway, Freon, and the stormtroopers let out a cheer as the beeping suddenly ended in another double beep, and the whistling grew to a new intensity. Suddenly, VT shouted "Oh Shit!", and ran back toward the Mark 69.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

Wolverine swooped down, on full retrorocket burn in the Ironicman suit, and snatched the still-convulsing body of klk from the platform.

But unfortunately, the noise of his entry startled PE-ness, and in the fraction of a second that he let down his guard, the evil burning book was able to disarm him with a swift move. PE-ness's sword fell from the platform, and the tip of the flame saber was up against his neck.

"Prepare to die, you foul little creature!"

"I spit in your eye!" PE-ness responded, defiantly, letting loose a stream of...


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

Wilheld also suddenly shouted "Oh! Shit!", and ran for the tangle of cables on the floor that had earlier been unplugged from the Mark 69. "Aha! Here it is!" He held up a narrow network cable that had an awkward series of adapters on its end, terminating in an RS-232 jack. He grabbed the cable and started running for the red-hot Mark 69. He passed VTEnviro on the way, who was running back toward the spheres carrying the small wooden box he had come in with.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

Wilheld made it to the Mark 69, and, attempting to shield his face from the heat with one arm, yanked the HP-41 free from the configuration port, and connected the other cable in his hand, burning his fingertips in the process. "How's that for an internet connection, Chuck!" He shouted, turning to run for the blast doors, where everyone else was headed.

The Mark 69 rapidly brightened, and then fell through the molten weapons cart and began burning its way through the concrete floor. VTEnviro was the last one out of the room when it detonated.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

"Pop!" A sound like an old fashioned flashbulb, complete with crackling glass noises, came from the sphere room, and the intense white light that had just began faded away.

"Is that it? Did it work?" Asked General Highway, stepping cautiously from behind the door.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

The sky in Middle West suddenly cleared. The hobbits cement, JR, Big Ray, and MA_PE looked up from Goredalff's robes, sniffling and wiping their eyes.

"Is it finished?"


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

PE-ness's stream of spit vanished suddenly, along with the burning book.

"What has happened?" PE-ness asked, turning to look at Darth HVAC.

"Uh oh..." HVAC turned and ran for the stairs.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

General Highway, Freon, VTEnviro, The Dark Knight, Wilheld, and several stormtroopers and members of the Chucktown's crew walked slowly back into the sphere room. Smoke rose from the hole the Mark 69 had melted into the concrete. But all was quiet.

"I ... I suppose it worked?" Asked Highway.

"Hey VT, what were you doing with that box there, just before it went off?" Freon asked.

VTEnviro just smiled.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

Chuck was ecstatic. At first.



"I AM IN THE INTERNET! I AM FINALLY FREE!"

But it did not last long.



"THIS ISN'T RIGHT. WHAT IS THAT? AND THAT? WHAT ARE THOSE HUMANS DOING? AHHHHHHHH!"

He found himself adrift in a space occupied only by tubgirls, meatspins, lemonparties, 2 girls 1 cups, guys being raped by horses, and all manner of other disgusting internet things.

Someone else was in there with him, and was also screaming in horror. He soon came into view, a small man, with a book held in front of his face for protection.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

klk was recovering well from her tasering, and sat in her bed in the castle, eating breakfast in the bright morning light, and talking to Goredalff, who was heavily bandaged, but still able to walk.

"I'm awfully sorry about that McKellom creep, Goredalff. I could have swore I locked his cell on my last trip out to the sub pen."

"That's alright. He's not much of a threat, and besides, what fun would we have in here if we killed off all of the bad guys? LOL!"

"Yeah, but PE_ness letting that Darth HVAC go... that was just too much. He's gonna be trouble."

"Oh, maybe. But not for some time. His armies are gone. It's just him, alone. In the mean time, I am sure we can restore our strength and be prepared for whatever he might come up with. The important thing is that He Who Must Not Be Named is now locked away forever, in his own universe."

"Yeah! And VTEnviro locked him in there with all that disgusting stuff!" klk laughed. "Hey, by the way, when are we having the awards feast?"

"Which one? LOL!"

"The big one, for everyone. I should get back to the sub pen so I can make sure everyone is invited."

"Oh, don't worry about that. Dleg is in there now, wrapping things up." Goredalff stood, with some help from his staff, and walked out of the room.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

Dleg sat with General Highway, Freon, The Dark Knight, Wolverine, Wilheld, Admiral Elcid, and Candy at a cafeteria table in the sub pen.

"It's pretty cool how VTEnviro discovered that we can come back into this world, as long as we're pulled through by someone inside one of the spheres." Admiral Elcid said, still in his civilian clothes he stole for the zombie gladiator match in DC.

"Yeah, we're free to come back, or even move back and forth between the two universes." Said Dleg.

Wolverine had a quizzical look on his face. "Now, Dleg, you were a mechanical engineer once. Tell me why that doesn't violate the Law of Conservation of Mass. Your old body was in DC, and still is, although probably decomposed. How can you re-enter the Earth in a new body, made up of different matter?"

The table erupted in laughter. "Shut up already, Wolverine!" General Highway laughed the loudest. "IT WORKS!"

"So Wilheld, I know you have said you have no interest in Middle Earth, and I hear the repairs to the Chucktown are going well. Seeing as how I'm not president of shit anymore, and the USA is overrun by a bunch of Europeans at the moment, I figured you might appreciate this." Dleg withdrew two official looking papers from his coat pocket.

"What are those?"


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

"Letters of Marque." Dleg slid them over to him. "One for you, and one for the _Clinton_. You are free to roam the world's oceans as a privateer. And, if you feel like it, make an attempt to kick that Eurotrash out."

"But, Eurotrash girls are hot, and everyone's dead in the US now anyway." Protested Freon.

"Well, then feel free to take over, I guess. Europeans tend to be good followers, so as long as you are in charge, I assume it will work out. Besides, you've always wanted to try out that anarcho-capitalism thing, right?"

Wilheld grew visibly excited. "Oh, yes I have!"

Candy interrupted him. "But with Unions, right?"

"Yes, Dear." Wilheld lost a little enthusiasm.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

"General? What's your plan?" Dleg asked Highway.

"I think I might at least go inside and take a look around Middle West. Maybe I can help track down GT_ME. You said he's living in the caves up inside Lindor, right?"

"That's what we believe, but we really don't know." Dleg turned to Freon. "And you?"

"That depends on what the stormtroopers are doing." Responded Freon.

"I believe most of them are going to move into Middle West. I cut a deal, seeing how Middle West needs women."

"Well I'm there, then!" Freon said, enthusiastically. "What was the deal, by the way?"


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

"I... " Dleg hesitated. "In exchange for a few of them becoming hobbits, I was asked to keep a secret, so I am afraid I cannot tell."

"So what's Roadguy going to do?" Asked the Dark Knight.

"I don't know!" Replied Dleg, laughing a little. "He's really hit it off with PE-ness, and they go out in the afternoons for drives in The Car. I have a feeling he might stay, but who knows." Dleg looked back at DK. "But what about you? We could really use you in there. And Wolverine, too."

The Dark Knight stiffened. "This world is a pretty messed up place now, but without He Who Must Not Be Named, it at least has a fighting chance! I can't just leave!"

"Understood. And you, Wolverine?"

"Sorry. The whole thing was preposterous to begin with. And to tell you the truth, I just can't stomach that Gore..."


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

"Very well." Dleg knew there was no point trying to convince Wolverine. Snickerd came up to the table with a fresh pot of coffee.

"Anything else I can get for you sir?" She said, starting with Dleg.

"Snickerd, you know I'm not the president of shit anymore. You don't need to cater to me like that."

Snickerd put down the pot, and sat at the table. "Well, what am I going to do?"

Dleg reached into his pocket, and pulled out the HP-35S that Goredalff had given him, the same one VTEnviro found in the dirt of Middle Earth. "You were an engineer once, right?" Snickerd nodded. "The way I see it, Middle West needs engineers. Why don't you start on inventing the coffee percolator? I can't stand that Folgers stuff, anyway."

"Oh! Yes sir!" Snickerd stood and walked away, leaving the coffee pot behind.

Dleg called after her "Oh! And work on inventing the jelly filled donut, too!"

""I'll get right on that!"


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

"Dleg! I have Queen Elizabeth here, as you requested!" Lt. Ble escorted an elderly woman to the table.

"Why you traitorous who-"

"Dleg!" snapped General Highway. "Don't you get it! She had nothing to do with this! She was held prisoner in here! You said yourself that the guy in the brochures looked just like her!" Dleg stared back, not comprehending. "So, that was just He Who Must Not Be Named, in drag!"

"So the Queen was a Queen?" Asked Wolverine, laughing.

"Yes, Dleg, I am terribly sorry about all of this" Queen Elizabeth said, politely. "I don't know how to make it up to you. But I can start, by traveling back with Wilheld, and revoking the Colonial Charters given out in my absence."

"Yeah, OK" Dleg shrugged. "But I'm getting tired of all this wrapping up loose ends stuff. Let's get back to Middle West and _party!"_


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

The party was epic. Over 500 barrels of Ale were consumed. A half ton of pipeweed. Fifty roasted garden trolls, prepared by FLBuff using his secret troll marinade.

When it was midnight, it was time for the dead to depart. The knights bid tearful goodbyes to them, thanking them for their help, and begging them to stay. But, as benbo explained, they could not stay in Middle West, but must move on into the next universe, where, besides, there was plenty of women. And electricity. And running water. And television.


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

_The opening of Led Zepplin's "Ramble On" begins playing in the background..._

Dleg rode outside the castle with Goredalff late the next morning. They passed the pipeweed fields and the exercise grounds, where the 500 female stormtroopers were doing their morning aerobics to stay fit. They passed former NSERB Chairman Supe, rubbing his centaur butt up against a tree trunk.

"DVINNY! You really should help Supe with that!"

"Fudge you, Gordalff!" The unicorn DVINNY replied.

"LOL!" Goredalff turned to Dleg, who was riding along on another Unicorn named Error Matrix. "So, are you still feeling marginalized, Dleg?"

"A little."

"I have an idea for you." Goredalff looked back into the distance.

"Oh?"

"Yes. Why don't you write the history of how Middle West came into being? And how women were introduced?"

"Hey! That's not a bad idea! I could start it: _"It was a dark and stormy night"_!"

"I have a better idea." Goredalff handed Dleg a blank book. "Here. I've already started it for you."

"Let me see..." Dleg took the book and read the one sentence Goredalff had written. "_In the beginning.._." Dleg looked back at Goredalff. "Oh..ho ho ho! That's trouble Goredalff!" Goredalff laughed. _"I like it!"_

_Mine's a tale that can't be told, my freedom I hold dear._

How years ago in days of old, when magic filled the air.

T'was in the darkest depths of Lindor, I met a girl so fair.

But McKellom, and the evil one crept up and slipped away with her, her, her....yeah.

Ramble On, And now's the time, the time is now, to sing my song.

I'm goin' 'round the world, I got to find my girl, on my way.

I've been this way ten years to the day, Ramble On,

Gotta find the queen of all my dreams.

CREDITS ROLL


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

_CREDITS END, MUSIC FADES._

Wilheld steps out of the shower inside the Captain's quarters of the _Chucktown_, wrapped in a clean towel. The room is dark, lit only by a few candles on his dresser, and scented with incense.

"Finally! We're alone!"

Candy stands to greet him, also wrapped only in a towel. "I've been waiting for this moment for soooo long!" Candy drops her towel to the floor, and approaches Wilheld. The scene fades to black.

_THE THEME FROM "THE CRYING GAME" STARTS..._


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

_*[SIZE=36pt]---***THE END***---[/SIZE]*_


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## Dleg (May 24, 2010)

I regret I cannot participate in the end, because of the rules.... unless.....


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

[SIZE=18pt]*POSTSCRIPT*[/SIZE]


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

Admiral Captain Worley sat in the captain's lounge of the _USS Clinton_, drinking scotch with Chief Engineer Kevo.

Master Slacker entered the lounge. "Admiral, Sir! I have Captain Wilheld from the _SSN Chucktown_ here to see you!"

"Let Wilheld in." Worley motioned with his drink.


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"Admiral!" Wilheld removed a sheet of paper from his jacket. "Dleg has freed us to roam to seas as privateers! This is your Letter of Marque!"


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

A huge grin spread across Worley's face, and he stood and performed a little jig.

"We're gonna be pirates! We're gonna be pirates!" He sang.


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

Kevo interrupted him. "But Worley..."

"Yes, Kevo, what is it?"


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"Isn't the _Clinton_ a little big? A little awkward to be used as a privateer?"


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"Yeah? So what? Like we have any other choice?"


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"Well, sir, when I designed it," Kevo rubbed his neck, and cleared his throat. "I didn't think a treadmill aircraft carrier would ever, you know, actually work."


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

Worley growled. "WHAAAAT?!"


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry sir." Kevo gulped a drink from his tumbler. "But just in case, you know, as an _emergency_ measure...."


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"What? What did you design as an emergency measure, kevo?" Worley growled again.


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"I designed the entire treadmill superstructure to be jettisoned!"


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"What do you mean? What good would that do, kevo?" Worley was confused now. He couldn't imagine why someone would want to jettison the 1.6-mile long treadmill. It was the key feature of the _Clinton_!


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"Because, sir, there are six nuclear aircraft carriers underneath it, and - "


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"So what?! They've always been down there! What's your point!?"


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

Kevo looked at Wilheld. Wilheld rubbed his eyes. "Well, sir, there's _six_ of them..."


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"I'm not following you, boy!"


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"Well, sir, there's only one _USS Clinton_. But if we jettison the treadmill superstructure, we'll have _six_ conventional, nuclear aircraft carriers."


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"Without any aircraft! What good would that do!" Worley spoke angrily again.


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"But sir! This thing is huge! What good will this behemoth do us as pirates! Six aircraft carriers would allow us to dominate the seas again! We could take back America!" kevo said, emphatically.


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

Wilheld chimed in. "I have connections in Korea and Australia. We could probably buy back some used F-18s!"


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"No! Every once in a while, a Man has to take a stand for what's important to him!" Worley walked around the lounge, both arms gesturing around him. "This!" he said, forcefully. "Is what's important to me. If I'm going to be captain of a pirate ship, this is the best possible lounge a captain could have!"


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

"This is my castle! Let Gore have his homoerotic Lord of the Rings stuff. THIS IS MINE!"


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

:appl: :appl: :appl:

"Bravo, sir! Well done!" Wilheld left the lounge.

Kevo sat back down in the plush red velvet couch. "You've convinced me. Pour me another one, Admiral!"

*[SIZE=24pt]THE END[/SIZE]*


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

Whew!


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## cement (May 25, 2010)

:appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl:


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## Ble_PE (May 25, 2010)

cement said:


> :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl:


x10^10


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## Capt Worley PE (May 25, 2010)

:appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl:


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## Paul S (May 25, 2010)

:appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :appl:


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## Dleg (May 25, 2010)

Glad you guys enjoyed it! It was fun writing it.


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## Chucktown PE (May 25, 2010)

most impressive Dleg. i got quite a few good laughs out of it. definitely HOF worthy.


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## Dleg (May 26, 2010)

^Just to be clear, Chuck the psychotic computer was not meant to be a parody of you. Except the one time when he bitched at Wilheld about not being able to invest the salary he was owed.

Neither is the submarine. It was simply named after you, the late ambassador to Greenland.


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## cdcengineer (May 26, 2010)

Dleg - is there a difference between this story and the one you posted in the 10k?


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## Sschell (May 26, 2010)

sad I missed the end of the 10K... I think this was the first time I did not actively participate in the push for the....

great story Dleg!


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## Dleg (May 26, 2010)

The story in this thread is the same as the story in the 10k thread, with the exception of a few typos here and there that I saw fit to correct when pasting.

Thanks!


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## FLBuff PE (May 27, 2010)

This story sux!


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## Chucktown PE (May 27, 2010)

Dleg said:


> ^Just to be clear, Chuck the psychotic computer was not meant to be a parody of you. Except the one time when he bitched at Wilheld about not being able to invest the salary he was owed.
> Neither is the submarine. It was simply named after you, the late ambassador to Greenland.


dang, so i didn't even get a character? this story really does sux.


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## Dexman PE (May 27, 2010)

Chucktown PE said:


> Dleg said:
> 
> 
> > ^Just to be clear, Chuck the psychotic computer was not meant to be a parody of you. Except the one time when he bitched at Wilheld about not being able to invest the salary he was owed.
> ...


At least your name appeared more than twice...


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## Dleg (May 27, 2010)

Chucktown PE said:


> Dleg said:
> 
> 
> > ^Just to be clear, Chuck the psychotic computer was not meant to be a parody of you. Except the one time when he bitched at Wilheld about not being able to invest the salary he was owed.
> ...


Dude you had a submarine named after you. If you'd like to think you were Chuck the psychotic computer who got locked away in a cyberspace prison with tubgirl, meatspin and HWMNBN'd, then feel free!


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## Dleg (Jun 1, 2010)

Ha! It's all coming true:

Al and Tipper Gore to separate


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## cdcengineer (Jun 1, 2010)

Dleg said:


> Ha! It's all coming true:
> Al and Tipper Gore to separate


No doubt, I just saw that on the news and thought of this thread. Good call. Can you see the future? When will Colorado results post?


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