# Coworker Stories



## Fudgey (Jan 28, 2010)

I figuredwe are stuck with them, like it or not, for 40 hours a week for years at a time. Eventually, they are bound to do something that makes for a fun story. Here's one from my current position.

The following is not about a poo experience of mine but that of one of my co-worker's. The best part of it all is he never knew what I witnessed. This is my story:

I work at our company's sale department. Usually I'm on the road, but I was spending a couple weeks at the main office catching up on paperwork, meetings, etc. We were looking for some help a few months back and ended up hiring Dennis, a Filipino guy in his forties. He seemed like a nice enough person, but we soon realized that he was a little rough around the edges. He didn't follow practical strategies that we knew were best and seemed to do things his own way, whether they were best practice and went with company policy or not. He showed up and did his job for the most part, so at least there's that, but his work ethics don't really have much to do with the story at hand.

Dennis, being of foreign nationality, had eating habits that were, well, different at best. He rarely, if ever, ate with us or ate food that I considered typical everyday workplace food. He would bring his own lunch most of the time and eat at his desk. The microwave was pretty close to us and it became an almost daily event that I would smell some kind of foreign, re-heated leftover treat that our cohort had cooked the night before. I hope it was only the night before.

Perhaps the length of time that Dennis left his leftovers in the hanging around predisposed him to the encounter I had in the can that afternoon.

On this particular day Dennis had brought in what looked like some kind of kielbasa sausage leftovers plate with a generous portion of veggies. I think the veggies were just a pile of chopped onions with green, yellow, and red peppers. The link of sausage was probably a foot in length, and it was pungent and bright red. I took no interest in watching him eat this, nor would I have on any other occasion. It's a matter of what I witnessed that made me remember the facts as I was to share this story with my co-workers. I hope this doesn't make me a jerk.

I didn't know whether or not Dennis ate everything that he heated up that day, but I do know that he was in the bathroom and not doing well within an hour or so after his lunch.

I went into the bathroom to take a number two myself but had to re-assess my bowel situation - for what I walked into was nothing short of pure office shitting dramatics at their peak.

I heard what I thought to be heavy breathing and moans from the first of three stalls and stopped dead in my tracks as if I were frozen in time. It sounded a bit like two badgers screwing. I used the urinal so it wouldn't be too obvious that I was leaving because someone else was defiling the facilities. Whoever it was that was in the stall had no shame whatsoever as he was asking the lord, "Why? Why, Jesus?" And even though I began to feel uncomfortable being witness to this poor man's pain, I had to know more.

I washed my hands and then opened the door and let it close, yet I never vacated the premises. Instead, I quietly inched my way into a better spot where the audio would be clearer. Would it have been weird if someone else came in to see that I was leaning toward the stalls, obviously listening to this man's defecation? Yes. But it was worth it. It wasn't even a question at that point.

"Why? Why's it so Greeeeeeeen?" Moaning and heavy broken breathing.

"Why's it so Haaaaard?"

"Oh Jesus!" :holyness:

Is this Dennis, I wondered to myself? :dunno: Holy crap, it was Dennis. :th_rockon: I immediately realized I had to share this story with my co-workers. :gathering: I didn't let the excitement of that realization overcome me, though, because I also I needed to make sure that it was him and that my facts were straight.

Dennis continued to struggle with his mighty loaf. :mf_pain: I envisioned his pants and tightie whities around his ankles, yet with his legs locked in a straight position horizontal with the floor. His five foot three inch frame would be contorting and awkwardly mantled on the porcelain monument he was claiming as his for that moment.

I knew that our relationship would not be the same if he were to flush and find me standing there in awe, so I crept silently away and went back to our area. I made sure he was not in his cubical - which he wasn't - and saw his plate in front of his keyboard about three-quarters of the way consumed. He had been in the facilities quite a while apparently.

As I told what I'd seen to a buddy at work, Dennis walked in. He had a fake smile on his face and definitely walked with what I assumed were numb legs and a hell of a cramped-up sphincter. He avoided us most of the day and made several more trips to the bathroom. To this day, I've never seen the red sausage again.


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## Dark Knight (Jan 28, 2010)

:appl: :appl:

Welcome back Fudgeman.


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## Dleg (Jan 28, 2010)

Oh man.... Green and hard? Sounds like trouble.


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## Wolverine (Jan 29, 2010)

So we have an Elevator Flatulator stalking the halls somewhere in my company. It has happened not once to me, but TWICE, where I needed to ascend to a higher floor and stepped innocently in to the waiting empty elevator car, only to have my olfactory assaulted by the pungent and horrid smell of gastric toxicity just as the doors closed, sealing me in to my gruesome fate. As if it weren't bad enough that some ass-vaporator laid the noxious trap before stepping off and sending the putrid atmosphere downtown, I am now sure to be falsely accused of being that very same evil-ass-monster should anyone be waiting to enter at the floor I depart on. Any statements of denial issued to the hapless entrants would only come across as a greater confession of guilt.

:fart:

The first time it happened was a lonely nightmare of rotten putricity. The second time, I was fortunate enough to have a tandem rider so that we could each look the other in the eye and know we were both innocent of wrongdoing. But as that person departed on the next floor, I realized once again that I was now riding solo and in grave danger of being falsely accused as the Elev-Fluffer, so I hastily pushed the button for the very next floor in hope that I would quickly escape, protected by the randomness of choosing a mystery floor. Safe I was - this time - but that beast is still out there, stalking the innocent and waiting to strike again.

:mf_followthroughfart:

Perhaps his serial cruelty will cause him to one day accidentally expose himself (or herself!).


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## Santiagj (Jan 29, 2010)

One of the field techs from my office was caught wackin off in a porta jon.


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## RIP - VTEnviro (Jan 29, 2010)

Did you at least have the decency to let him finish?


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## cement (Jan 29, 2010)

otherwise, he might be testy


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## Santiagj (Jan 29, 2010)

I don't think he was allowed to finish. I wasn't the one who caught him. I think he left the company after that because of the embarassment. I've never seen him since then.


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## Sschell (Jan 29, 2010)

^how was he discovered? suspicious noises? forgot to lock the door?


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## MA_PE (Jan 29, 2010)

Santiagj said:


> One of the field techs from my office was caught wackin off in a porta jon.


Was he using the porta-john because the client denied entry to the facilities?


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## RIP - VTEnviro (Jan 29, 2010)

Probably. You know how it is. I hear a lot of potential clients are closing down for a week each month. They must be bleeding pretty bad to lock everyone out like that for such a long time.

The situation is grim. I was talking with one woman recently who indicated this problem is likely to persist for another 25-30 years.


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## Chucktown PE (Jan 29, 2010)

My client doesn't have this problem at all. The problem is my client is only open for about 5 minutes every few weeks. A lot of times they don't post their hours so I miss my shot and then I'm shut out of the office for another 3 weeks.


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## Dexman PE (Jan 29, 2010)

Chuck, do we have the same client?


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## Chucktown PE (Jan 29, 2010)

Dexman PE said:


> Chuck, do we have the same client?



I hope not, that would be really...um....weird if we did. I thought my client was working with me exclusively. Where are you located?


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## Dexman PE (Jan 29, 2010)

Well, I'm in Denver. So it's probably safe to say we don't have the same client. Perhaps they are branch offices of the same Corporate structure?


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## Chucktown PE (Jan 29, 2010)

Dexman PE said:


> Well, I'm in Denver. So it's probably safe to say we don't have the same client. Perhaps they are branch offices of the same Corporate structure?



I'm pretty sure that's the case with all of our clients. The only one that I know of that works for a client with a different corporate structure is Dleg. From what he has said, his client is always welcoming.


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## ElCid03 (Jan 31, 2010)

Santiagj said:


> One of the field techs from my office was caught wackin off in a porta jon.


I can beat that believe it or not. I local crackhead od'd in a porta john on one of our sites in the hood.


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## wilheldp_PE (Jan 31, 2010)

I noticed a pile of human poop on the sidewalk next to our building the other day. I hope it was a homeless person and not one of my coworkers.


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## Dexman PE (Jan 31, 2010)

wilheldp_PE said:


> I noticed a pile of human poop on the sidewalk next to our building the other day. I hope it was a homeless person and not one of my coworkers.


Maybe it was the same punk that broke into your house?


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## wilheldp_PE (Jan 31, 2010)

Dexman PE said:


> Maybe it was the same punk that broke into your house?


I wonder if the new owner of that house has been visited by the punk fairy.


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## Dexman PE (Jan 31, 2010)

Probably not since the realestate agent isn't leaving the back door unlocked anymore...


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## RIP - VTEnviro (Feb 1, 2010)

ElCid03 said:


> Santiagj said:
> 
> 
> > One of the field techs from my office was caught wackin off in a porta jon.
> ...


That's probably what porto wanker said just before he started pulling his pud.


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## Chucktown PE (Feb 1, 2010)

Dexman PE said:


> Probably not since the realestate agent isn't leaving the back door unlocked anymore...



This post belongs in the PE-ness thread.


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## Santiagj (Feb 1, 2010)

sschell_PE said:


> ^how was he discovered? suspicious noises? forgot to lock the door?



He forgot to lock the door and someone walked in on him.


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## RIP - VTEnviro (Feb 1, 2010)




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## Capt Worley PE (Feb 1, 2010)

wilheldp_PE said:


> I noticed a pile of human poop on the sidewalk next to our building the other day. I hope it was a homeless person and not one of my coworkers.


How did you know it was human?


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## Santiagj (Feb 1, 2010)

Thats a good question. My dog lays some out that look big enough be human or an ogre. He's a bullmastiff though.

Sniff test?


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## RIP - VTEnviro (Feb 1, 2010)

I got one of my dogs on a mostly veggie diet to cut down his weight. With the amount of carrots he's getting, his piles are bright orange sometimes.


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## MA_PE (Feb 1, 2010)

Capt Worley PE said:


> wilheldp_PE said:
> 
> 
> > I noticed a pile of human poop on the sidewalk next to our building the other day. I hope it was a homeless person and not one of my coworkers.
> ...


you beat me to it. I was wondering the same thing.



VTEnviro said:


> I got one of my dogs on a mostly veggie diet to cut down his weight. With the amount of carrots he's getting, his piles are bright orange sometimes.


Dogs are carnivors. Feed the dog some meat for gosh sake.


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## wilheldp_PE (Feb 1, 2010)

Capt Worley PE said:


> wilheldp_PE said:
> 
> 
> > I noticed a pile of human poop on the sidewalk next to our building the other day. I hope it was a homeless person and not one of my coworkers.
> ...


I have seen lots of dog poop in my life, and this was unlike any that I'd seen before. Plus, there are a lot of homeless people loitering around our building.


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## MA_PE (Feb 1, 2010)

Chucktown PE said:


> Dexman PE said:
> 
> 
> > Well, I'm in Denver. So it's probably safe to say we don't have the same client. Perhaps they are branch offices of the same Corporate structure?
> ...


I don't recall Dleg ever saying anything about his client relations. It's best to just stick to commenting on your own personal experience and leave other firm's businees practices out of it, unless opinions are specifically asked for.


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## RIP - VTEnviro (Feb 1, 2010)

As long as we are talking about porto potties...

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=barry/100129


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## csb (Feb 1, 2010)

VTEnviro said:


> I got one of my dogs on a mostly veggie diet to cut down his weight. With the amount of carrots he's getting, his piles are bright orange sometimes.


When my son was still a baby I remember freaking out during a diaper change that there was something wrong with him until I recalled feeding him carrots earlier that day.


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## Dexman PE (Feb 1, 2010)

csb said:


> VTEnviro said:
> 
> 
> > I got one of my dogs on a mostly veggie diet to cut down his weight. With the amount of carrots he's getting, his piles are bright orange sometimes.
> ...



When my son was 6 months old, he managed to crawl over to the coffee table and eat the cover off of a Reader's Digest. His next diaper had an "R" still in tact sitting on top. My wife freaked out something fierce because she did the diaper change and didn't know he had eaten the paper. There are some classic times when I wish I had a video camera in every room...


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## RIP - VTEnviro (Feb 1, 2010)

Along the same lines, has anyone here ever had green colored beer around St. Patrick's Day? It results in a similar phenomenon.


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## Chucktown PE (Feb 1, 2010)

Is your pee green or is your pooh green?


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## Dexman PE (Feb 1, 2010)

VTEnviro said:


> Along the same lines, has anyone here ever had green colored beer around St. Patrick's Day? It results in a similar phenomenon.


So does eating brightly colored frosting from the grocery-story bakeries. Try the bright blue...


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## FLBuff PE (Feb 1, 2010)

Chucktown PE said:


> Is your pee green or is your pooh green?


Both, I would assume. And your puke.


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## RIP - VTEnviro (Feb 1, 2010)

Chucktown PE said:


> Is your pee green or is your pooh green?


Green :mf_followthroughfart:

The pee was surprisingly unaffected.


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## Dexman PE (Feb 1, 2010)

I wouldn't recommend vomiting after drinking green beer. I have no idea how it's effected, and I really don't want to find out.


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## nashbmattPE (Feb 1, 2010)

Just read this funny story

Killer Chilli, Be Afraid, VERY AFRAID...

&gt;

&gt; I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure

&gt; that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I

&gt; had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my chili. Tasty stuff,

&gt; albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written

&gt; guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt

&gt; cheeks WILL fall off.

&gt; Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups

&gt; of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No

&gt; 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way

&gt; through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning

&gt; symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and

&gt; lightning'.

&gt; Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just

&gt; when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store

&gt; that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

&gt; Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart

&gt; and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.

&gt; It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the

&gt; restrooms that the pain hit me Oh, don't look at me like you don't

&gt; know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go'

&gt; pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time The thing is, this

&gt; pain was different.

&gt; The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a

&gt; revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the

&gt; small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and

&gt; before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which

&gt; would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning

&gt; shot.

&gt; There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped

&gt; in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.

&gt; I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might

&gt; escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the

&gt; lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of

&gt; it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

&gt; I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her

&gt; reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to

&gt; dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions

&gt; emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least

&gt; will be able to relate.

&gt; I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she

&gt; walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor

&gt; so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and

&gt; running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her

&gt; head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made

&gt; Me feel terrible, but then made me laugh... BIG mistake!!!!!

&gt; Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped

&gt; down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive

&gt; issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and

&gt; echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,

&gt; fearing that at the very least, someone was robbing the store and

&gt; firing off a shotgun; or, at the worst, Islamic terrorists had invaded

&gt; Wal-Mart with AK-47's blasting away, and launching a toxic nerve gas

&gt; attack.

&gt; Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced

&gt; off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the

&gt; whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took

&gt; place.

&gt; Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,

&gt; began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat

&gt; because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in

&gt; while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and

&gt; Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and then quickly left.

&gt; Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled

&gt; cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee

&gt; approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a

&gt; few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the

&gt; store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute

&gt; or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

&gt; That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.

&gt; The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover

&gt; his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S

&gt; YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was

&gt; unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly

&gt; not to return.

&gt; Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing

&gt; to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.


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## csb (Feb 1, 2010)

Dexman PE said:


> When my son was 6 months old, he managed to crawl over to the coffee table and eat the cover off of a Reader's Digest. His next diaper had an "R" still in tact sitting on top. My wife freaked out something fierce because she did the diaper change and didn't know he had eaten the paper. There are some classic times when I wish I had a video camera in every room...


Oh my gosh. This made me laugh out loud.


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## frazil (Feb 1, 2010)

Funny story nashbatt! Which reminds me of a true story about my brother-in-law, who was shopping at the Gap when a similar condition overtook him. He released some odors so noxious they temporarily closed the store and called security because they thought someone had let off a stink bomb.


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## wilheldp_PE (Feb 1, 2010)

My uncle farted in a grocery store one time, and it smelled so bad that a lady in a neighboring aisle called the manager over because she thought that some kind of food had spoiled.

My parents were out shopping one time, and my mom asked my dad to look at something after she had just farted. He said "I'll look at it as soon as my vision clears!" I laughed so hard I cried that time.


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## Dark Knight (Feb 1, 2010)

wilheldp_PE said:


> My parents were out shopping one time, and my mom asked my dad to look at something after she had just farted. He said "I'll look at it as soon as my vision clears!" I laughed so hard I cried that time.


:Locolaugh: :Locolaugh: :Locolaugh:

BRAVO Wil!!!!!!!!!!


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