# FBI Job interview



## DVINNY (Mar 17, 2008)

FBI job opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances."

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' the man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent

said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on

the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


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## MA_PE (Mar 18, 2008)

^ :appl: :appl:


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## squishles10 (Mar 18, 2008)

:bananalama:


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## frazil (Mar 18, 2008)

:lmao:


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## DVINNY (May 17, 2008)

At the end of the year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi, "We save them and send them back to the candle makers, and every now &amp; then they send us a free box of candles"

"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But he went on to say in his obnoxious way, " What about all those matzo purchases? What do you do with all the crumbs?"

"Ah yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. " We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of matzo balls."

"I see", replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi, he went on. "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here too we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."


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## SSmith (May 18, 2008)

Oh dear god those are good...


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## Guest (May 18, 2008)

On the wisdom of consulting ....

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of 'you know what', we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


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## ktulu (May 19, 2008)

^^^ Hilarious, JR!!! :laugh:


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## DVINNY (May 22, 2008)

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midge t shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. 'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, t he rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?


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## DVINNY (May 22, 2008)

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and

decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,

"Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street

in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,

"Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner,

"but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."


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## DVINNY (May 22, 2008)

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual

gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to

change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son

returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting

home?", they asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit

project" said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking

him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went

after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking

him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied

to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse

right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you

ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,

he is your son!"

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her

three times.


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## Dleg (May 22, 2008)

^^Most excellent! Two new ones, for me.


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## Guest (May 24, 2008)

This is better told in person, but I figured I would give it a shot here ....

A lady with an extreme speech impediment/lisp enters a seafood market to make a purchase. She approaches the counter and says to the guy behind the counter in a muted fashion, "I wood wike fave pownds of mah-keral"

The guy behind the counter scrunches his face up trying to understand her. She repeats the same phrase again, to which the guy behind the counter realizes she is having trouble speaking and says, "Look lady, I am having a hard time understanding you, I just don't know what you want."

So the lady steps back from the counter, lifts her dress, swipes her hand across her crotch, and then steps back up to the counter and sticks her fingers under the guy's nose.

The guy behind the counter recoils scrunching up his face and nose in horror and says, "HOLY MACKEREL LADY!"

The lady nods in approval and raises her hand wiggling all of her fingers and thumb saying, "Yeahhh ... five powndes."

JR

That joke works a little better in person, at a bar, and with a few drinks. At least that is how it was told to me - gestures and all. hmy:


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## maryannette (May 24, 2008)

:appl:

Laughter is good!


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## DVINNY (May 25, 2008)

As told to me from a friend.

'I remember the time that Catherine - one of my daughter's friends

when she was little, told me that she wanted to be President one day.

Both of her parents are liberal democrats and were standing there with

us and I asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be the

first thing you would do?'

Catherine replied - 'I would give houses to all the homeless people.'

'Wow - what a worthy goal you have there Catherine.'

I told her, 'You don't have to wait to until your President to do

that, you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in

the back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go over to

the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give

him the $5 dollars to use for a new house.'

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her

mom looked at me, and Catherine replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy

come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $5

dollars.'

Catherine, welcome to the Republican Party


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## DVINNY (Jun 1, 2008)

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The

waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,

"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be

$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact

change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A

hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his

pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the

waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a

salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it

on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.

How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket

every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two

wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just

put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be

there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as

long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."


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## Dleg (Jun 1, 2008)

DVINNY said:


> John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusualgimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
> 
> change.
> 
> ...


I must say, this joke worked most excellently for me this weekend. Just insert the names of a couple you know and ... WHAM!


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## MA_PE (Jun 2, 2008)

DV and JR:

thanks for the laugh. The midget one had me LOL at my desk.


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## DVINNY (Jun 2, 2008)

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable little lady went into the pharmacy,

walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your

husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of badthings will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'


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## Wolverine (Jun 2, 2008)

DVINNY said:


> Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while hermom looked at me, and Catherine replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy
> 
> come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $5
> 
> ...


:appl: :appl: :appl:

Now, if we could only get a majority Conservative in the Republican Party.

Heck, I'd even accept a few from the (D) party.


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## StructuralPoke (Jun 2, 2008)

Supposedly a real post on Craigslist -- It's funny and I'm too lazy to run snopes on it...

-----------------------

More advice for woman seeking $500K+ man, RE:431649184 (Midtown East)

Reply to: [email protected]

Date: 2007-10-05, 5:40PM EDT

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a [email protected] business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.


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## DVINNY (Jun 4, 2008)

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be An American...


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## DVINNY (Jun 4, 2008)

Subject: Just Married

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he

wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each

other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each

other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they

went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got

up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and

did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations

in the pike position, at which point he straightened out

and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay

down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion.

You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we

went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing

lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the

pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic

endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I

worked both sides of the Mississippi River.


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## FusionWhite (Jun 6, 2008)

DVINNY said:


> DIVORCE VS. MURDER
> A nice, calm and respectable little lady went into the pharmacy,
> 
> walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
> ...


Im forwarding this one to my FIL. Hes a pharmacist and would probably love it.


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## Sschell (Jun 12, 2008)

TEA FOR DADDY

One day my Mother was out and my Dad was in charge of

me and my older brother.

I was maybe 1 and half years old and had just

recovered from an accident in which my arm had been

broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well

gift and it was one of my favourite new toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening

news and my brother was playing nearby when I brought

Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such

yummy tea, my Mom came home.

Dad had her wait in the living room to watch me bring

him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest

thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the

hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him

drink it up, and then she says,

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that

baby can reach to get water is the toilet??........


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## frazil (Jun 12, 2008)

:appl:


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## bigray76 (Jun 13, 2008)

A guy was in the line at the supermarket, when he noticed a beautiful blond woman smiling and waving at him.

So he says, "Do I know you?"

She replies. "I may be mistaken, but I think you may be the father of one of my children."

Instantly his mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Christ!" he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on Joe's pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend spanked me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber in my ass?"

"No" she replies. "I'm your daughter's second grade teacher."


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## FLBuff PE (Jun 13, 2008)

^^^'Doh!


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## DVINNY (Jun 13, 2008)

*Lesson 1:* 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When s he gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

*Lesson 2: *

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

*Lesson 3: *

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch..'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

*Lesson 4 *

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

*Lesson 5 *

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

*Lesson 6 *

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE


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## Guest (Jun 14, 2008)

^^^ Those are pretty good! 

My contribution for the day:



Spoiler



Did you hear the one about the prostitute with a colostomy bag? She was getting a little on the side ...



Yeah .. it's covered up for good reason, so read with CAUTION. 

JR


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## TXengrChickPE (Jun 16, 2008)

This one is pretty clean compared to most... but still funny as hell!

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

:Locolaugh:


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## DVINNY (Jun 16, 2008)

^^ I hope that is true.


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## FusionWhite (Jun 17, 2008)

Heres lesson 7:

One day a fly was buzzing around a barnyard. When it looked down it saw a HUGE pile of cow shit piled up next to the barn. Quickly swooping in the fly landed and began chowing down on the cow pie. After a few minutes the fly was full and began flapping its wings to take off. However the fly had eaten too much and was over loaded with crap.

Looking around the fly noticed a shovel leaning against the barn. Thinking that if he could climb up to the top of the shovel handle and get a running start he would be able to get off the ground and fly. So the fly waddles himself over to the shovel and climbs up to the top. He gets a big running start and jumps off the shovel and flaps his wings furiously. After hovering for a few seconds the cow shit filled fly spun out of control and splattered on the ground.

Moral of the story:

Don’t fly off the handle when you know your full of shit.


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## Wolverine (Jun 18, 2008)

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

"Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?''

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man."


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## sehad (Jun 18, 2008)

THIS POST IS AWESOME! However it has wasted about an hour of my work day. Wish I would have found this board earlier!


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## DVINNY (Jun 23, 2008)

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,

'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his

Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,00 0 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . you started it


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## DVINNY (Jun 23, 2008)

Ancient Indian knowledge

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After

They got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,

'Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of

Galaxies.. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past Three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , And we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we Will h ave a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent.'


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## Dark Knight (Jun 23, 2008)

^^^^Lone Ranger and Tonto...The Sequel

That very morning, after riding until dawn thru the desert The Lone Ranger went to take a leak behind a small cactus. He was so concentrated on the task at hand that did not see a rattle snake on the base of the cactus.

Wham....the snake did bite The Lone Ranger on the tip of the...well...you know where...let us say the tip of his...yeah...there. Tonto came running and said:" Kemosabi...do not worry. There is a village about 10 miles South of here. The Healer there be the best on the region. Tonto asking him how to save you"

And just like that Tonto rode his horse to the village and asked the Healer, who replied: "You sucking the venom from the area snake did bite"

And there goes Tonto again, riding 10 more miles back to where he left The Lone Ranger. He saw his friend already suffering the effects of the snake's venom. The Lone Ranger asks Tonto...."What did he say. How are you saving me?"

Tonto replied: "Kemosabi, he said you are screwed. You are going to die"


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## DVINNY (Jun 26, 2008)

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official;

'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied;

'When white man find land, Indians running it,

no taxes, no debt,

plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work,

Medicine man free.

Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled;

'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'


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## cement (Jun 27, 2008)

The indian boy asked the tribal elder about how names were given.

"The first thing the medicine man sees after the birth of a child determines a child's name" the elder answered.

"The day your father was born, the medicine man saw a soaring eagle, and that is how he got his name, Soaring Eagle." He continued.

"The day you mother was born, a leaning tree caught his eyes, and her name, Leaning Tree was given."

"And our chief must have been born on a rainy day to be given a name like Storm Cloud."

"Does this answer your question, Two Dogs F*cking?"


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## DVINNY (Jun 27, 2008)

The little boy (who had been looking out the window of the airplane) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'I saw you talking with your mom- Did your Mom tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'yes she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.'


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## sehad (Jun 30, 2008)

DVINNY said:


> The little boy (who had been looking out the window of the airplane) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'
> The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.
> 
> The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'I saw you talking with your mom- Did your Mom tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'yes she did.'
> ...


:Locolaugh: :appl:


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## DVINNY (Jul 1, 2008)

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground

and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!


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## DVINNY (Jul 1, 2008)

http://www.funmansion.com/videos/buns_in_t...ring_break.html


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## DVINNY (Jul 1, 2008)

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1812805


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## maryannette (Jul 1, 2008)

^^ I can't get there from here, but the printed one is good. Thanks for the early morning laugh.


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## DVINNY (Jul 1, 2008)

^ sounds like someone we know has been single for 4 months.


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## bigray76 (Jul 1, 2008)

^^^Freaking hilarious!


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## DVINNY (Jul 1, 2008)

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a "Queen", so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'


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## sehad (Jul 1, 2008)

Sounds like that guy had some MAJOR issues with the phone calls


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## klk (Jul 3, 2008)

Wow! Assuming that guy leaving those messages was for real, he needs a major reality check!


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## DVINNY (Jul 6, 2008)

A woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really go od about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an

old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosi ty gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald's.'.....


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## What!! (Jul 6, 2008)

DVINNY said:


> A woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday.
> She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
> 
> On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
> ...


:bowdown: 10940623:


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## DVINNY (Jul 8, 2008)

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the

difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if

she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million

dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a

million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt

for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to

fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy the n went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him

in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would

buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between

'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million

dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.


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## TXengrChickPE (Jul 8, 2008)

40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....


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## roadwreck (Jul 17, 2008)

A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying. A priest approaches and says: "My child, why are you so upset?"

The boy tells him: "My mummy and daddy were in their car, and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says: "It's just not your day, is it?"


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## sehad (Jul 17, 2008)

roadwreck said:


> A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying. A priest approaches and says: "My child, why are you so upset?"
> The boy tells him: "My mummy and daddy were in their car, and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
> 
> The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says: "It's just not your day, is it?"


:Locolaugh: That's just wrong


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## DVINNY (Jul 17, 2008)

oh damn.

LMFAO.


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## Dleg (Jul 18, 2008)

Father Nelson is sitting in the confessional booth on a particularly long, hot day of confessions. It seemed everyone in his parish had decided that day that enough was enough, and the guilt had piled up so high that they just had to come in and get it off their chests. Which, of course, he didn't mind. But it was already 11:15 a.m., and those three cups of coffee he had drunk to wear off the hangover from the rectory wine was getting to him.

He needed to take a dump. Badly.

Looking around during the elderly Mrs. Bateman's confessions of cheating while playing bridge, he spied two of his altar boys cleaning the church. He leaned out of the confessional and silently, but urgently motioned to the nearest one to come over to him.

Mrs. Bateman had just finished up, so he told her to go home and perform three "Our Fathers" and six "Hail Marys", and then got out and whispered to the altar boy to take over for him. The altar boy was reluctant and said there was no way, he couldn't do that, but the priest insisted. "It's all right" he whispered, "just listen to their confessions, and then tell them to go home and perform some Our Fathers and Hail Marys."

"But - but ...." but it was too late, the Priest had silently run off to the restroom.

So the altar boy sits down in the confessional, clears his throat, and in his best imitation of the old priest, says "Yes my son, uh, what can I do for you today?"

The person on the other side was a grown man, whom the altar boy recognized from the congregation, but did not know. He started "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery"

The altar boy couldn't help but be interested. "Well, uh, what exactly did you do?"

"Father, I had, um sexual contact with an unmarried woman I met at a bar"

"Well my son, the Lord requires more , uh, detail than that."

"Father, I - I ... I had oral sex with her."

"More detail, my son. Was it you, um, doing it to her?"

"Well, Father, do I really need to say..."

The altar boy was getting pretty interested by now, and blurted out:

"Yes my son! The Lord must know exactly what it is you are confessing to!"

"Well, OK Father, I let ... I let ..."

"Yes, yes! Go on!"

"I let this woman, um, (whispering) _suck on my you know what_"

"Really??"

"Yes, Father."

"And then what did you do?"

"Nothing Father, I swear!" A note of desperation sounded in the man's voice.

"OK, my son. Do you have any other confessions about anything else, like other women?"

"No, Father, really! I feel terrible about this!" The man began to sob. "Please, Father, what do I do? Please help the Lord forgive me!"

"Uh, OK, uh hang on a minute"

By this time, of course, the altar boy had forgotten what the priest had told him about the Our Fathers and Hail Marys, so, thinking quickly, he poked his head out the other side of the curtain to motion the other altar boy over.

"Quick! What does Father Nelson give for a blowjob?!" he whispered.

The other altar boy leaned over and whispered into the first one's ears "Well I don't know about you, but I usually get a pack of cigarettes and two tickets to the ball game."


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## maryannette (Jul 18, 2008)

Imagine ... a priest drinking too much wine!!!!!!!!


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## roadwreck (Jul 18, 2008)

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee breaks over. Back on your heads."


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## roadwreck (Jul 18, 2008)

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for

years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop

and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a

doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled

back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and

the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor

laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his

bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me

and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.


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## Flyer_PE (Jul 18, 2008)

LITTLE MATT ON MATH:

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Matt. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Matt says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' To which Little Matt replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one wearing the Wedding ring,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE MATT ON MATH (Part 2):

Little Matt returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Matt.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she a sked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE MATT ON ENGLISH:

Little Matt goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Matt says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Matt, that's a mouthful.'

Little Matt says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE MATT ON GRAMMAR:

Little Matt was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yell ed out, ' Miss Jones , I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, Matt, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little Matt thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE MATT ON GRAMMAR (Part 2):

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Matt.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!''

LITTLE MATT ON GETTING OLDER:

Little Matt was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Matt replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little Matt answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business.’


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## IlPadrino (Jul 18, 2008)

roadwreck said:


> Three men went to hell.
> The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
> 
> He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
> ...


What, no Monty Hall to help with the decision?!?


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## MA_PE (Jul 18, 2008)

same joke different version:

A guy dies and went to hell.

The devil said "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men playing poker. That looks pretty good the guy thought.

Room 2 was filled with men fishing. Wow that's even better!

Finally, room 3 had a guy getting a blow job by a gorgeous blond. The guy is really psyched.

The man said I'll take door number 3

The devil said OK. Then he walked into the room tapped the blonde on the shoulder and said "Your replacement is here."


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## DVINNY (Jul 21, 2008)

The Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the

outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man

said: "Father .... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from

our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her

from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have

no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual

favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes &gt; twice on

Sundays.'

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,

you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those

circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed

forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one

more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''


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## Dleg (Jul 22, 2008)

^^^!!!!!! I love it!!!!!


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## TouchDown (Jul 22, 2008)

My five-year old students, are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'

And so it does...







*[SIZE=24pt]'AFRICAN ELEPHANT'[/SIZE]*

Hooked on phonics! Gotta Love it!


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## DVINNY (Jul 22, 2008)

^^^ Just spit my Diet Dr. Pepper out

LMFAO


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## DVINNY (Jul 23, 2008)

New Orleans Craigslist.

__________________________________________________ ______________

MEAN Mom Selling SPOILED Son's 98 Dodge Ram 1500 - $5500 (Marrero)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reply to: [email protected]

Date: 2008-07-22, 8:20PM CDT

"Unfair, unloving &amp; unreasonable" mother selling 17 year old son's 1998 DODGE RAM 1500 single cab pickup truck after he received 3 tickets in one week, consistently broke curfew and skipped 2 days of work to "hang out" with his girlfriend.

Mom is so "uncool" that she bought the truck as a surprise for son in May 08. Because she has "no life," she spent two weekends hand-cleaning the engine and servicing the transmission and engine. And because she has nothing better to spend her money (from the money tree in the backyard)on, she had all of the following replaced or installed:

22" black &amp; silver rims

New tires

New carpet

New amp

New obnoxiously loud speakers and speaker box

New lower control arms

New brake shoes

New brake rotors

New steering rods

New windshield

New side view mirrors

New Air conditioning system

New exhaust

Undercoated underneath truck

The truck has a little over 124K miles. If you don't want the 22" rims and tires, I still have the original rims and old tires available. If you don't want the speaker box, amp and whatever else is in there, I can remove all of that and reinstall the center seat/console. Asking price without the rims, tires, speakers and amp is $4000 obo, with everything is $5500 obo.

If you are interested, please call the Wicked Witch at (504)650-3621.


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## DVINNY (Jul 23, 2008)

Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these

days!

Well, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" a guy

asks.

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy

(clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask

you

something."

"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you

ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst,

would you ask me if I was

German?

Or if I asked for a

kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had

asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

If I asked for

some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk

says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous

indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did

you ask me if I'm

Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied,

"Because you're in Home

Depot."


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## DVINNY (Jul 23, 2008)

A little guy was sitting next to a big guy in a bar and said, “Hey, wanna hear a good Polock joke?”

The big guy frowned and answered, “I just happen to be Polish. You see those two big guys at that end of the bar? Polish. That mean lookin’ son-of-a-bitch bartender, he’s Polish too. Do you still want to tell your Polish joke?”

The little guy looked around and said,”Nope.”

“What’s the matter?” asked the big guy. “Are you afraid that we’ll beat you up?”

The little guy looked up at him and said, “No, I just dont’t want to have to explain the punch line four times.”


----------



## DVINNY (Jul 23, 2008)

I am not Polish but I know a guy that is. He locked his keys in his car and took two hours to get his family out!!


----------



## frazil (Jul 24, 2008)

LOL THanks for the jokes DV. The craigslist ads rocks!


----------



## maryannette (Jul 24, 2008)

Good to start the morning with a laugh.  Thanks.


----------



## civengPE (Jul 24, 2008)

I can't believe it, but this is actually a real ad.

http://neworleans.craigslist.org/car/766050278.html

You go DV!!!



DVINNY said:


> New Orleans Craigslist.
> __________________________________________________ ______________
> 
> MEAN Mom Selling SPOILED Son's 98 Dodge Ram 1500 - $5500 (Marrero)
> ...


----------



## MA_PE (Jul 24, 2008)

the craigslist ad is great!

Did you hear about the polish guy who broke his leg raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.


----------



## Wolverine (Jul 25, 2008)

Forwarded to me by my token hispanic buddy:

A Kentucky couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed.'

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what

finally made them make the decision do this. Why after nine children?

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one

out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican,

and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because

neither of them could speak Spanish.

:w00t:


----------



## FLBuff PE (Jul 25, 2008)

:appl: I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!


----------



## DVINNY (Jul 28, 2008)

Crash goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to

come forward to the front at the altar.

Crash gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:

"Crash, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Crash replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.

"The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other

hand on top of Crash's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and

asks Crash:

"Crash, how is your hearing now?"

Crash says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."


----------



## DVINNY (Jul 28, 2008)

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.

They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the little first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read . 'and so the little pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have

some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.


----------



## DVINNY (Jul 28, 2008)

THE JOURNEY OF MAN!!!!!

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.

Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.


----------



## Guest (Jul 28, 2008)

^^^ Ugh .. that is just painful ... :smileyballs: :smileyballs:

JR


----------



## frazil (Jul 28, 2008)

DVINNY said:


> Crash goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.
> After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to
> 
> come forward to the front at the altar.
> ...



who's Leroy?


----------



## Sschell (Jul 28, 2008)

DVINNY said:


> THE JOURNEY OF MAN!!!!!
> 
> When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
> 
> ...


................. :appl:

......... :appl: ........ :appl:

... :appl: ...................... :appl:

......... :appl: ........ :appl:

................. :appl:


----------



## TouchDown (Jul 28, 2008)

> who's Leroy?


Sounds like the God of some Southern cult.

"What church do you go to?"

"The church of Leroy, you know the rusted Morton building out off of state highway 24. Yeah, we got snakes an' everything..."


----------



## mudpuppy (Jul 28, 2008)

jregieng said:


> ^^^ Ugh .. that is just painful ... :smileyballs: :smileyballs:


And yet so insightful.


----------



## TXengrChickPE (Jul 29, 2008)

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He says 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the service?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,'

And then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 -

And plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?

'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'


----------



## Guest (Jul 29, 2008)

TXengrChickPE said:


> 'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'


:smileyballs: :smileyballs: :smileyballs: :smileyballs:

I am really laughing .... and crying at the same time ...

JR


----------



## cement (Jul 29, 2008)

that would be a no show job at some places!


----------



## TXengrChickPE (Jul 29, 2008)

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday.


----------



## DVINNY (Jul 29, 2008)

^^ I love Bob.


----------



## frazil (Jul 30, 2008)

I love this thread. :lmao:


----------



## TXengrChickPE (Jul 30, 2008)

^ Me too! I finally have somewhere to share the crazy emails that I get from my coworkers!


----------



## sehad (Jul 30, 2008)

I get excited when I see that there are new posts in here.


----------



## Guest (Jul 30, 2008)

This thread absolutely ROCKS !!! :th_rockon:

JR


----------



## Vishal (Jul 30, 2008)

DON'T PUT GRANDMA ON THE STAND

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Smith. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more

than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do, I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."


----------



## TouchDown (Jul 30, 2008)

A man charges into a bank wearing a ski mask and wielding a handgun. He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his ski mask.

The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner...

'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'


----------



## Vishal (Jul 30, 2008)

^^ :lmao: :Locolaugh: completely hilarious and evil


----------



## MA_PE (Jul 30, 2008)

^^ TD: excellenet!!

This thread is great!!


----------



## DVINNY (Jul 30, 2008)

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an

expensive,expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like

the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the

black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his

best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the

blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but

please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the

next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in

a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him

perfectly.She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful.

How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician

presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue

suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a

deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly

after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his

wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and

she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just

switched the heads.'

BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!


----------



## sehad (Jul 30, 2008)

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL:

We're going to teaching them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


----------



## sehad (Jul 30, 2008)

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have sex?'

'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.

Then I said,

'I'd like to phone a friend.'

That's the last thing I remember.


----------



## sehad (Jul 30, 2008)

Physical exam

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as

part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and

gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but

nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.Then I

asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She

tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth

out, still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first

with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it

between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the damn jar open!'


----------



## Flyer_PE (Jul 30, 2008)

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart yelling obscenities at her two kids all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."


----------



## MA_PE (Aug 1, 2008)

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese :

'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. ?

I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

'And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied,

'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.

'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

'Did God throw him back down?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.

'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner


----------



## DVINNY (Aug 2, 2008)

LOVE the kids jokes ^^^


----------



## maryannette (Aug 4, 2008)

MA_PE said:


> 'Did God throw him back down?'


:lmao:


----------



## Guest (Aug 4, 2008)

No related from experience ...

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree and then realize that it is the air freshener hanging on the mirror!

:smileyballs:

JR


----------



## MA_PE (Aug 4, 2008)

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.

A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly'

What the hell were you thinking?' she said, &gt; shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, four, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'


----------



## Dleg (Aug 4, 2008)

DVINNY said:


> LOVE the kids jokes ^^^


A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect." To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."


----------



## EM_PS (Aug 4, 2008)

A blonde's driving down the road when all of a sudden, she see's a blonde in a rowboat, in the middle of a cornfield, just a rowin' like a crazy.

Furious, she skids to a stop, gets out of her car, and screams at the blonde in the rowboat "you know, its blonde's like you that give us a bad name, you stupid bitch!" "And if I knew how to swim, i'd come out there and kick your ass!"


----------



## TouchDown (Aug 11, 2008)

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found

traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and they came to the

conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100

years ago.

Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California

scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA

Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200

year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had

an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the

New Yorkers.'

One week later, 'The Redneck Rebel Gazette' in Missouri, reported the

following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn field, Bubba Ray Johnson,

a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba

has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Missouri had already gone wireless.


----------



## TXengrChickPE (Aug 12, 2008)

The love story of Ralph and Edna.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,

doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna

were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were

walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into

the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled

him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic

act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as

she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news

and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were

able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the

life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays

sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe

belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon

can I go home?'


----------



## DVINNY (Aug 13, 2008)

This one made me laugh.........

A guy wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across

a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is

10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he

kept it in such great co ndition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller,

'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub

Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of

Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to

meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and

says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before

we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the

first person who says anything during dinner has to do the

dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living

room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up

on the stairs, in the corridor,

everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a

word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the

situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody

says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws

her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of

her parents face.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously

livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but

no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and

has his way with her every which way right there on the

dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but

still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it

starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline

from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

'All right, that's enough, I'll do the fuckin dishes!'


----------



## DVINNY (Aug 13, 2008)

The Kitchen Bitch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old

son playing with his new electric train in the living room.. She

heard the train stop and her son saying,

'All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off

now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who

are getting

on, get your asses on the train...cause we're

going down the tracks.'

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use

that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for

TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you

to use nice language.' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom

and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...

'All passengers,

please remember your things, thank you and

hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with

us again soon.'

She heard her little darling continue...'For those of you just

boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope

you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey

with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of

you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please

see the bitch in the kitchen..


----------



## TouchDown (Aug 13, 2008)

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike trainers and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:

'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: 'If I catch you, I can have you.' He lost 63 pounds that week.


----------



## cement (Aug 14, 2008)

WILL I LIVE TO SEE 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said

He looked at me and said,...........Then, why do you even give a shit?


----------



## sehad (Aug 19, 2008)

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

‘THISBULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs.....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

‘THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~that’s more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,

in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

‘that’s once a day ...You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical

to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.


----------



## Flyer_PE (Aug 27, 2008)

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally the trooper got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says -- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey..wait a minute, are you trying to calll me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh," no, officer. I have to much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."


----------



## Flyer_PE (Aug 27, 2008)

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.


----------



## sehad (Aug 28, 2008)

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. Th e King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills


----------



## DVINNY (Aug 28, 2008)

HALLMARK CARDS YOU DON'T SEE

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was

thumping..

I thought it was flat.

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.

But don't fret about it.. She moved in with me.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Looking back over the years that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder....

'What the hell was I thinking?'

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Congratulations

on your wedding day!

Too bad no one

likes your husband.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love

After having met you .. I've changed my mind..

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Congratulations on your promotion

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

W hen we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I'm so miserable without you,

it's almost like you're here.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Your friends and I wanted to

do something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.


----------



## DVINNY (Aug 28, 2008)

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he

turned to his wife and said,

"Honey, tell me something that will

make me happy and

sad all at the same time."

And

She said, "You have the biggest willie of all your friends."


----------



## DVINNY (Aug 28, 2008)

Ralph's Surgery

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

'How long will Ralph be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.

'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.

'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?'


----------



## DVINNY (Aug 28, 2008)

Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful business man who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.


----------



## DVINNY (Aug 28, 2008)

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing son,' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm, 'he says, 'but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?'

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, as he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!' 'I sure did, Dad!' 'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer... And then he went on to become a Congressman.


----------



## Freon (Aug 29, 2008)

Texans In Heaven

Gabriel went to the Lord and said, 'I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems...

They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep;

They are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their horses with them.'

The Lord said, 'Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil.'

So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, 'Hello---hold on a minute.'

When he returns to the phone the Devil says, 'O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?

Gabriel replied, 'I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans.'

The Devil said, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. 'I'm back. Now what was the question?'

Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?'

The Devil said, 'Man, I don't believe this...hold on.'

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, 'I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Red Adair has put out the fire and Brown and Root is installing air conditioning.'


----------



## EM_PS (Aug 29, 2008)

TOYOTO VS FORD CANOE RACE...........

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford Motors)

decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a s econd opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the bo at while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to "equal the competition" and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.


----------



## ktulu (Sep 2, 2008)

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual

route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were

still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner,

coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, 'Actually we had it Saturday night.

This

is

the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Bob says, 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a

time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responds. 'Your name came up seven

times.'


----------



## jmbeck (Sep 2, 2008)

An American golfer playing a round in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.  

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. 

'Arrgh! What happened?' the little Leprechaun asked. 

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'  

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.' 

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.  

'T'was me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?' 

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.' 

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'  

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.' 

'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?' 

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'


----------



## Wolverine (Sep 3, 2008)

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family

values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did

you?

"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

----------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his fa ther and asked:

"Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,

'cause I still have mine."

---------------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court

Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then

I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took

the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good

with the kids."


----------



## Wolverine (Sep 3, 2008)

--------------------------- --------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has

been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that

were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll

take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

---------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

---------------------------------------------- -------------


----------



## Wolverine (Sep 3, 2008)

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."

----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks

him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in

surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of

bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had

even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.


----------



## IlPadrino (Sep 9, 2008)

Similar to another version...

-----

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.'

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend, who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.'

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea, and how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to the Republican party.'

If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Republican and Democrat, I'm all ears.


----------



## maryannette (Sep 9, 2008)

I've heard that one and I like it. Very good way to put things in perspective. Reminds me of the "Little Red Hen".


----------



## DVINNY (Sep 9, 2008)

But the teacher was a hard worker at one time, and therefore "favored" the guy's daughter because she too was a hard worker.

With that kind of favoritism, it was IMPOSSIBLE for the friend to achieve a higher GPA, since the teacher was biased to those who play SEGA all day and watch soap operas. Therefore, after several government funding studies, a program was developed to send the teacher to courses to help better understand a diverse student population.

This would help in making the teacher understand the need for why the GPA needed to be distributed evenly.


----------



## MA_PE (Sep 9, 2008)

And the study found that college level GPA's were simply an elitest system designed to penalize the open-minded students who were more conducive to a less-competitive environment. Children of college age should not be subjected to such brutal attacks on thier esteem simply because they would prefer to expressive thier individuality as opposed to following the rigorous and oppressive course schedules.

A movement was made to eliminate this wicked caste system and reward all students with identical diplomas for enrolling and "trying thier best".


----------



## Sschell (Sep 9, 2008)

IlPadrino said:


> If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Republican and Democrat, I'm all ears.



in terms of economic policy thats about it right there... there is the social side though.

Personally, fiscally I am very conservative, I earn my money, I want to keep it. Socially, I am very liberal, If the gays want to get married, go ahead. Basically anything that anyone wants to do (drugs, prostitution, gambling etc.) as long as they are not affecting me (or my pocket book) I think they should be able to do it.

oh yeah this is a joke thread... why in the world am I talking politics???


----------



## IlPadrino (Sep 9, 2008)

The Dude said:


> oh yeah this is a joke thread... why in the world am I talking politics???


Sorry... my fault. How about this:

-----

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Fancy-pants.

2. If you have a cat, you are a flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as queer as a $3 bill. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker.


----------



## DVINNY (Sep 9, 2008)

:appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :true:

:Locolaugh: :Locolaugh:


----------



## sehad (Sep 9, 2008)

IlPadrino said:


> If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.


:Locolaugh:


----------



## Sschell (Sep 9, 2008)

IlPadrino said:


> And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.



does burlap count?

how about filter fabric?

does flannel count as cotton... or is that wool?

oh crap I said wool.... UNDO UNDO!

I guess my closet door just flew wide open.


----------



## mudpuppy (Sep 9, 2008)

The Dude said:


> Personally, fiscally I am very conservative, I earn my money, I want to keep it. Socially, I am very liberal, If the gays want to get married, go ahead. Basically anything that anyone wants to do (drugs, prostitution, gambling etc.) as long as they are not affecting me (or my pocket book) I think they should be able to do it.


Welcome to the Libertarian Party, The Dude!


----------



## PE-ness (Sep 9, 2008)

20 ways to say that someone's "fly is open"....

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows in your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HIS FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.


----------



## wilheldp_PE (Sep 10, 2008)

PE-ness said:


> 5. You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.


:Locolaugh:


----------



## ktulu (Sep 10, 2008)

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day.


----------



## DVINNY (Sep 10, 2008)

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a

family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired

and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed

the

worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a

brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is

the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to

pay for the BRAIN.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time,

someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a

female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not

smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire

group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the

female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'


----------



## DVINNY (Sep 10, 2008)

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a

requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, 'Yes,

that is still one of our laws.' The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten

pork?' To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to

temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.' The priest nodded in understanding

and

went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the

priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain

celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our

faith.' The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the

temptations of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion

I was weak and broke with my faith.' The rabbi nodded understandingly and

remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said,

'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?


----------



## EM_PS (Sep 10, 2008)

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....'


----------



## Sschell (Sep 10, 2008)

LOLed twice in that one ^


----------



## Guest (Sep 10, 2008)

The Dude said:


> LOLed twice in that one ^


Ditto! Best laugh I have had in awhile ...

JR


----------



## PE-ness (Sep 11, 2008)

We all know what a French kiss is - a sloppy wet kiss on the lips, with the tongue slipped in.

But have you heard about the Australian kiss?

It's the same thing, only down under.


----------



## DVINNY (Sep 11, 2008)

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging

out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without

missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy ****! My girlfriend's gone, too!!


----------



## sehad (Sep 11, 2008)

^^Nice


----------



## MA_PE (Sep 18, 2008)

Signs 

  Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

  'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

  **************************

  In a Podiatrist's office:

  'Time wounds all heels.'

  **************************

  On a Septic Tank Truck:

  Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

  **************************

  At a Proctologist's door:

  'To expedite your visit, please back in.'

  **************************

  On a Plumber's truck:

  'We repair what your husband fixed.'

  **************************

  On another Plumber's truck:

  'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber'

  **************************

  On a Church's Bill board:

  '7 days without God makes one weak.'

  **************************

  At a Tire Shop

  'Invite us to your next blowout.'

  **************************

  At a Towing company:

  'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows'

  **************************

  On an Electrician's truck:

  'Let us remove your shorts.'

  **************************

  In a Non-smoking Area:

  'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

  **************************

  On a Maternity Room door:

  'Push. Push. Push.'

  **************************

  At an Optometrist's Office:

  'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place'

  **************************

  On a Taxidermist's window:

  'We really know our stuff.'

  **************************

  On a Fence:

  'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

  **************************

  At a Car Dealership:

  'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment'

  **************************

  Outside a Muffler Shop:

  'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

  **************************

  In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

  'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

  **************************

  At the Electric Company

  'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

  However, if you don't, you will be.'

  **************************

  In a Restaurant window:

  'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up'

  **************************

  In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

  'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

  **************************

  At a Propane Filling Station:

  'Thank heaven for little grills.'

  **************************

  And don't forget the sign at a

  RADIATOR SHOP:

  'Best place in town to take a leak.'

  **********************

  Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'


----------



## DVINNY (Sep 18, 2008)

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President .

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the

Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you

the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the

Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him..

He finds that the baby has severely

soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,

'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the

Future is in deep ****.


----------



## cement (Sep 19, 2008)

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?'

'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three.'

'The TEST of THREE?' the man asked.

That's correct,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'

'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

'No, on the contrary... '

'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?'

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though because there is a third test --- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'No, not really . . '

'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem...

It also explains why Socrates didn't find out that Plato was banging his wife.


----------



## cement (Sep 19, 2008)

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning

she told her husband that she had slept over at a

friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best

friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he

told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's

house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.


----------



## FLBuff PE (Sep 19, 2008)

DVINNY said:


> Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!
> 
> A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
> 
> ...




:appl: :appl: :appl:


----------



## EM_PS (Sep 21, 2008)

A dog walks into a saloon, with a pronounced limp &amp; says

"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!"

[thats all i got]


----------



## DVINNY (Sep 23, 2008)

--- Peeing in the Bushes

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic

garbage bags, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill

flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills

falling out of that bag...

'Damn!' says the little old lady ... 'I'd better go back and see if

I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that

money? Did you steal it?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my yard backs up to

the sixth fairway of the Municipal Golf Course. A lot of golfers come

and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!'

So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and

each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: '$20

or off it comes!''

'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way,

what's in the other bag?'

'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'


----------



## DVINNY (Sep 23, 2008)

Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette

convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he

floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little

hair he had left.

Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal

even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway

patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he

thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to

await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette,

looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.

Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've

never Heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran

off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her

back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Trooper


----------



## DVINNY (Sep 24, 2008)

A Professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on

the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How

many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in

ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

''That's good I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?''

About 15 student raise their hands.

''Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?''

3 students raise their hands.

''That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one more question... Have

any of you ever made love to a ghost?''

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says,

''Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one

has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to

come up here and tell us about your experience.''

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began

to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ''So,

Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?''

Bubba replied, ''Shiiiiit!, from way back there I thought you

said, Goats.''


----------



## Guest (Sep 24, 2008)

:goat: :goat: :goat:

:Locolaugh: :Locolaugh: :Locolaugh:

JR


----------



## FLBuff PE (Sep 24, 2008)

yuk. (to quote The Dude)


----------



## DVINNY (Sep 25, 2008)

*Bottle of Wine*

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks h alf the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

*MORAL OF THE STORY: *

Women are clever, evil bitches.

Don't mess with them.


----------



## MA_PE (Sep 25, 2008)

A scotsman is drinking alone at a local pub and a tourist comes down and sits at the bar. The scot keeps drinking and is getting pretty drunk. The tourist asks the bartender what the scot's problem is because he's just sitting there getting hammered by himself. The scot overhears the tourist and gets up and starts ranting at the tourist:

"Well, I'll tell you laddie....

You see this bar? I built this bar with my own two hands. Smooth mahogany polished to perfection. Do they call me 'McGregor the bar builder' oh no they don't.

Look outside, see that pier extending out into the ocean? Built that myself I did. Fine and sturdy and its weathered quite a few nasty storms. Do they call me 'McGregor the pier builder'? Noooo. of course not.

But.. you fuck 1 goat....."


----------



## DVINNY (Sep 25, 2008)

7 reasons not to mess with children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically &amp;nbs! p;impos sible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The ! little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted,

'Cause your feet ain't empty..'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the! apples .'


----------



## Guest (Sep 25, 2008)

MA_PE said:


> But.. you fuck 1 goat....."


:goat: :goat: :goat:

JR


----------



## Sschell (Sep 25, 2008)

heh heh... couldn't help myself



MA_PE said:


> But*t*.. you fuck 1 goat....."


----------



## Dleg (Sep 30, 2008)

Some classic short jokes, that get a chuckle the first time, groans the next 25 times, and big laughs when they become your repertoire after hundreds of times , to the point that your friends tell the punchlines themselves... (at least, based on my experience with one friend who tells them every time I see him):

- Why should women masturbate with these two fingers? (holds up index &amp; middle finger)

"Because they're mine!"

- Why is a camel called the ship of the desert?

"Because it's full of Arab seamen!"

- What's better than seeing a lady wrestle?

"Seeing her box!"

- What's better than a rose on a piano?

"Tulips on an organ!"

- What's the definition of slow dancing?

"A navel engagement with no loss of semen!"

- If Russia invaded Turkey from behind, would Greece help?


----------



## DVINNY (Sep 30, 2008)

^ LOL


----------



## Supe (Sep 30, 2008)

Dleg said:


> - Why should women masturbate with these two fingers? (holds up index &amp; middle finger)
> "Because they're mine!"



Priceless.


----------



## MA_PE (Sep 30, 2008)

Dleg: those are great. "Because thier mine" that killed me.

What worse than lobsters on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her

How do make a Venetian blind?

Poke him in the eyes.

What's the difference between a hockey mom and pit bull?

Lipstick

oops sorry.


----------



## sehad (Sep 30, 2008)

What would you do?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'


----------



## Guest (Sep 30, 2008)

Differences between men and women ...

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. My heart just sank. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

JR


----------



## FLBuff PE (Sep 30, 2008)

^^^ :appl: :appl: :appl:

I feel like this a lot, but w/o the happy ending.


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 4, 2008)

Moms in Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.

You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is with money.

Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is alcohol.

This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy

by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's

talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'


----------



## Dleg (Oct 5, 2008)

^OMFG!!!!!!!! I LOVE that one! (I don't hear too many jokes that are new to me, like that one)

:lmao:


----------



## IlPadrino (Oct 7, 2008)

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are all contracted by a rancher to build the most efficient fence in which to house his stable of cattle.

The engineer builds a large round fence around the property claiming that is the most practical and efficient design.

The physicist scoffs at the engineer and starts drawing up plans for a fence that would circle the earth thus improving on the efficiency of the engineers design, however drastically reducing the practically of it.

The mathematician walks over, grabs four small segments of fence that he builds into a square around himself and says, “I declare myself to be on the outside!”


----------



## roadwreck (Oct 8, 2008)

* NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS for 2008 and beyond.*

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor

to mistake

himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no

allowance, the

wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their

pants as the market

keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD &amp; POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your

assets equally

between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been

disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears

down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker

for $240 per

share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker

who bought Yahoo @

$240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now

locked up in a

nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 9, 2008)

Subject: Fwd: Unhinged

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he

sent his wife Mary toHome Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was

waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished with the customer, Mary asked 'How much for that

faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to

buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'


----------



## sehad (Oct 9, 2008)

roadwreck said:


> * NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS for 2008 and beyond.*
> CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
> 
> CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
> ...


Having dabbled in the stock market a few times, this is AWESOME!


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 9, 2008)

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take

her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then

the fight started....

*********************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller

Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I

told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold

cream. And that's when the fight started.

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to

apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my

driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I

had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but

I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She

said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she

processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my

experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might

have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school

reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she

sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand

she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I

hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could

go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were

alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and

little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one

are you?'

And that's how the fight started.....

******************************************** *********************** *****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some

reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.....


----------



## Supe (Oct 9, 2008)

:Locolaugh:

I'd be castrated if I ever pulled the "mad cow" one.


----------



## KEG (Oct 14, 2008)

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, 'We have special requirements for new parshioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month.'

The couple agreed, but returned after only two and a half weeks.

When the pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband was obviously very depressed.

You're back so soon...is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We're terribly ashamed to admit that we didn't manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

'One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

'When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,' said the pastor.

'We know,' said the young man, hanging his head. 'We're not welcome at Home Depot, either.'


----------



## Supe (Oct 14, 2008)

LMAO! Should have seen that one coming...


----------



## Guest (Oct 14, 2008)

KEG said:


> 'We're not welcome at Home Depot, either.'


That's AWESOME !!! :lmao: :lmao:

:appl: :bowdown:

JR


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 15, 2008)

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning, Alex.'

''Good morning, Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?' The pastor said, 'Well son , it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'


----------



## TXengrChickPE (Oct 16, 2008)

YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.


----------



## Supe (Oct 16, 2008)

LOL, that's a groaner for sure.


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 21, 2008)

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 21, 2008)

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 21, 2008)

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 21, 2008)

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 21, 2008)

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 21, 2008)

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 21, 2008)

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 21, 2008)

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 21, 2008)

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 21, 2008)

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 21, 2008)

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 21, 2008)

The Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt

was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind

her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her slack to raise

her leg She tried to take the step, only To discover that she couldn't.

So a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her

skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the Step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a

little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little

More and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large man who was standing behind her picked her up easily

by the waist and placed her gently on the step of bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you

touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Kentuckian smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,

but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 21, 2008)

Mr. Jones was sitting on the edge of his bed in the Home one Sat. morning waving his arms and cussing when a young Candy Stripper came by asking him what was wrong??

He said, "Darling, I have an erection and NOW my darned hands don't work!!"...


----------



## cement (Oct 22, 2008)

Dead Donkey

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he

drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied,

'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said,

'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said,

'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked,

'what ya gonna do with him?'

Chuck said,

'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said,

You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said,

'Sure I can Watch me... I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with

Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said,

'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a

profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said,

'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said,

'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government.


----------



## wilheldp_PE (Oct 22, 2008)

You should have posted those in the McCain jokes thread.


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 22, 2008)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN....

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

A few day's later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 22, 2008)

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a goodtime dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

' Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says...'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'


----------



## Flyer_PE (Oct 22, 2008)

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

My call was answered by a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 23, 2008)

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

'Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

'Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.

'Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.'

Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'

'This year I'm taking Earlene with me.'


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 29, 2008)

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen

preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,

wearing only the 'T' shirt that she

normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake,

she turned and said softly,

You've got to make love to me this very

moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,

I am either still dreaming or

this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,

I embraced her and then gave it my all;

right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and

returned to the stove, her 'T'

shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all

about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 29, 2008)

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the

last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the

latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with

diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He

started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the

unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile

at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,

a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched

the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the s--t out of

a ghost"


----------



## Hoops80 (Oct 29, 2008)

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:

'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,

'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,' Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,

I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'


----------



## csb (Oct 29, 2008)

^ ooh! Halloween jokes!


----------



## TXengrChickPE (Nov 4, 2008)

Idiot Number One of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Two of 2008

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747's. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Three of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Four of 2008

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Wise guy.......

But you still get a sign

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Five of 2008

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2008

A pair of Nebraska robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven of 2008

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Eight of 2008

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.

Better make his sign bright yellow.


----------



## frazil (Nov 4, 2008)

^ :Locolaugh:

those are great!


----------



## DVINNY (Nov 5, 2008)

INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies'.

He laughed so hard he couldn't finish teaching the class.


----------



## TXengrChickPE (Nov 5, 2008)

^ :lmao: :Locolaugh:

Wow... almost laughed till I cried at that one!


----------



## csb (Nov 5, 2008)

agreed. that was awesome.


----------



## MA_PE (Nov 7, 2008)

Subject: BUBBA &amp; COOTER'S BOOK OF SURE FIRE PICK-UP LINES!

Thank you for purchasing 'Bubba &amp; Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines' brought to you by Bubba &amp; Cooter. Enjoy!

1) Did you fart?

cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?

cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea

I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?

cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?

cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree &amp; I was a Squirrel,

I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,

but beauty's only a light switch away.

Man - 'Fat Penguin!'

Woman - 'WHAT?'

Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,

but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?

I think he went inta this cheap motel room...

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,

we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,

every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Nov 7, 2008)

Excellent, I have a long car ride down to NY with the Mrs. tonight and I think that would be an excellent time to break some of these out.

Remind me to tell you sometime over a $2 pint how I almost ended a marriage before it started on the way down there one time.


----------



## wilheldp_PE (Nov 7, 2008)

VTEnviro said:


> Excellent, I have a long car ride down to NY with the Mrs. tonight and I think that would be an excellent time to break some of these out.
> Remind me to tell you sometime over a $2 pint how I almost ended a marriage before it started on the way down there one time.


*Hands VTE a $2 pint*

*waits*


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## MA_PE (Nov 7, 2008)

VT: when are you gonna stop using these candy-ass excuses and actually show up for some $2 pints on Friday.


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Nov 7, 2008)

Next Friday, it's booked on my schedule. No candy, no asses.

This weekend its off to visit my old man and his beleaguered pancreas. Good times, or something.


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## MA_PE (Nov 7, 2008)

VTEnviro said:


> Next Friday, it's booked on my schedule. No candy, no asses.
> This weekend its off to visit my old man and his beleaguered pancreas. Good times, or something.


sounds like a plan.

Hope dad is making out ok.

Have a good ride, you and the wench (I mean wrench).


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Nov 7, 2008)

Wrench Wench?


----------



## MA_PE (Nov 7, 2008)

she's so hot she has a blow torch


----------



## TXengrChickPE (Nov 7, 2008)

Boys will be boys...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. Ft. House 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. Room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) 'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super Glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject PB &amp;J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


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## FLBuff PE (Nov 7, 2008)

TXengrChickPE said:


> 8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
> 25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


Sounds like a fun activity for tonight!


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## snickerd3 (Nov 7, 2008)

> 19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.


Neither do furnances.



> 25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


After I read number 19, I was thinking about trying that.


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## wilheldp_PE (Nov 7, 2008)

TXengrChickPE said:


> 25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


Consider me part of that 80%.


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Nov 7, 2008)

Dammit, I already made plans tonight. I want to try the clorox trick!


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## snickerd3 (Nov 7, 2008)

I wonder what type of brake fluid they used...we have DOT3 in the garage.


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## FLBuff PE (Nov 7, 2008)

And does it have to be regular clorox? My wife buys the scented crap. I hope scented clorox and DOT3 will work. I suppose that I should think about setting up some sort of contraption to mix the two together, to prevent splashback. Or I could just say screw it, set up the video camera, and stand directly over a puddle of clorox and dump the DOT3 on it.

My phone is ringing...it's from the Darwin Award people...they want a copy of the tape from my wife when available....


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## mudpuppy (Nov 7, 2008)

From the quick research I just did, Clorox doesn't work very well for this trick. Need to use granulated pool chlorine. Of course, no one should _acutally_ attempt this.


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## FLBuff PE (Nov 7, 2008)

mudpuppy said:


> From the quick research I just did, Clorox doesn't work very well for this trick. Need to use granulated pool chlorine. Of course, no one should _acutally_ attempt this.


You do realize this is a dare, right? Look for YouTube footage, shortly followed by a winning bid for a Darwin Award and an AFV win!


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## Dleg (Nov 10, 2008)

I want to try the dust bunnies trick.


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## TXengrChickPE (Nov 13, 2008)

[SIZE=14pt]Can you solve this puzzle? [/SIZE]

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.

On your left side is a drop off.

On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.

In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way

and you can't seem to overtake them.

Behind you is a stampede of horses.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.

[SIZE=14pt]* [/SIZE]



Spoiler



Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.


*


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## What!! (Nov 13, 2008)

LOL good one :laugh:


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## Dleg (Nov 13, 2008)

That's a classic. I got that one off EB about a year ago, and told it in front of a group fo 35 people. It went over extremely well (they were drunk).


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## DVINNY (Nov 17, 2008)

*Moral of the story.... *

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home

and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer

to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the

truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday

we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the

road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,

"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we

take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only

8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.

Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane

was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with

only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he

drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of

100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of

bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on

his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any

moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't f*ck with uncle Ted when he's

been drinking."


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## DVINNY (Nov 17, 2008)

http://s428.photobucket.com/albums/qq8/upi...nt=Husbands.flv


----------



## Guest (Nov 19, 2008)

Taken from Best of Craigslist ...

Dear Internet Porn,

These last ten years have been quite a trip, have they not? My letter to you now, however, is not one of celebration... I don't feel like we are the same anymore. We just don't have that passion we used to.

When we first met I was a loser, and you were there for me. My parents told me that you were no good for me, but I didn't listen. You showed me that there were plenty of people like myself getting laid. It was beautiful and passionate. Your softcore erotic videos were a tasteful introduction to my budding sexuality.

As I got older I started seeing girls on the side. I knew you were jealous, but you have always held a special place in my heart. You became naughtier and it affected my relationships. I started wanting all the things I had seen you do. I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to cover my girlfriend's face, put it up her ass, choke her.

But that's when I realized your dark secret, Internet Porn. You aren't real: you are a fake and shallow individual. No girl wants a load on her face! Anal sex hurts and humiliates, and choking only leads to bruises that friends and loved ones ask about. You lied to me and changed my sexual expectations. Now no girl can please me.

I know it isn't all bad. You've taught me so much. I can surf the internet with either hand and I know all the keyboard shortcuts for my browser. I know positions that aren't even in the Kamasutra. But you have such a dark side. I've been late for work more than once and I find myself wanting to jerkoff at six in the morning. That's what you've done to me.

Even now, on the eve of Christ's birth, I sit hunched over my computer, penis in hand. I had to turn the nativity scene around so that Jesus wouldn't see your filth. Try as I might, I can never hide you well enough either. It is harder to find you squirreled away on my hard drive than it is to get into my online bank account. Yet there is always lingering evidence. I've told you time and again to stop leaving your things at my place. But you ALWAYS forget something: a shortcut here, an unclear history there.

There's no acceptance when you are discovered either. It might have been ok when we started - just innocent flirting with softcore. But now my girlfriends discover my asphyxiation collection, or that one goat video. I hate that you always invite your shadiest friends over when you come.

So I have one request. I know I can't get rid of you... you are the psychopathic stalker to my teenage horror film. But if you won't leave me alone, can you at least do me one favor? If I ever die, can you please format my hard drive? All of them? If you can't do that, just burn my place down. My family can never know of my shame.

- Your shamed lover


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## Vishal (Nov 19, 2008)

*Dad at the Mall *

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one,

and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'


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## Dleg (Nov 19, 2008)

OK, this might not go completley understood, but I think the underlying jokes are pretty funny. [i'll try to add in some translations where needed]

These are some "local" jokes as told by the islanders (Chamorros) where I live:

One day after work a haole [white] guy decided he wanted to go drinking so he

did. As soon as he got into the bar he yelled out T.G.I.F. He yelled

it 3x and a Chamorro walks up to him and said "Hafa gatchong, what

does that mean?" The haole responded, "THANK GOODNESS IT'S FRIDAY."

Immediately the Chamorru yelled S.H.I.T. and the haole goes "What does

that stand for?" The Chamorru replies, "STUPIT HAOLE, IT'S

THURSDAY..."

************************************************************************

There was this Chamorro man lining up at an ATM. He noticed the first

man in line was Japanese. When the Japanese man put his credit card

in the ATM, Japanese Yen came out. The Chamorro man was a bit

confused. The next man in line was a Pilipino and when the Pilipino

man put his credit card In the ATM, pesos started to come out. The

Chamorro man was surprised and put his credit card in the ATM to see

what kind of currency would come out...... Food Stamps started to

come out!!~

************************************************************************

Jose was passing by Pedro's house and noticed that Pedro was on his

boat in the front yard. Jose couldn't help but notice Pedro holding

an oar and was paddling like crazy. "Primo[cousin/friend], What are you doing Lai?"

said Jose. Pedro replied, "I'm trying to get to the other side". At

this Jose got pissed off and yelled at Pedro "You know what prim,

you're the kind of people that'll embarrass the Chamorro race, coz if

I knew how to swim I'll go over there and slap your face!"

************************************************************************

Tun Jose still enjoyed chasing girls even when he got to be 75. When

his wife Tan Josepha was asked if she minded, she answered, "Ai adai,

why should I be upset? Even dogs chase cars, but they cannot drive."

************************************************************************

Kin comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside the

house; he walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living

room naked. His wife yells, "Ayuda yu, (help me), I am having a

heart attack". Kin runs in the other room to call 911 when one of his

kids ran up to him and says "Daddy, Daddy, there is a naked man in

the closet". Kin opens the closet door and sees his friend Juan.

He yells at Juan, "Lanya adai Juan, my wife is having a heart attack

and here you are trying to scare the kids"!!!


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## EM_PS (Nov 23, 2008)

On a carribean vacation, a married couple walked into a tourist shop. The Jamaican said to them,'I

have some special sandals I think you would be interested in.

Dey make you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the

man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex

god he was, even if it was in his mind .

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and

tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild

look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink

of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a

table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm

hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming 'You got dem on de wrong feet! You got dem

on de wrong feet!'


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## DVINNY (Nov 24, 2008)

CONFESSIONS:

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his

Priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


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## DVINNY (Nov 24, 2008)

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


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## DVINNY (Nov 24, 2008)

Catholic Dog:

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish

Priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


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## DVINNY (Nov 24, 2008)

Donation:

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

''This is the Tax Dept. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

''He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'


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## DVINNY (Nov 24, 2008)

Confession:

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . .. . I'm telling everybody!'*


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## DVINNY (Nov 25, 2008)

Four married guys go fishing. After an

hour, the following

Conversation took place.

First guy:

'You have no idea what I had to do to be

able to come out fishing this weekend!

I had to promise my wife that I would

paint every room in the house next weekend'

Second guy:

'That's nothing, I had to promise my

wife that I'd build her a new deck

for the pool.'

Third guy:

'Man, you both have it easy! I had to

promise my wife that I'd remodel the

kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they

realized that the fourth

guy hasn't said a word, they asked him.

'You haven't said anything about what

you had to do to be able to come fishing

this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy smirks and says:

'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When

it went off, I shut off my alarm,

gave the wife a slap on her butt

and said: 'Fishing or Sex?

She said:

'Wear sun-block.


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## DVINNY (Dec 1, 2008)

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop- dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


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## DVINNY (Dec 1, 2008)

[No message]


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## cement (Dec 2, 2008)




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## cement (Dec 2, 2008)

damn that's funny


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## DVINNY (Dec 3, 2008)

since tasteless is the topic for the day:

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour

just scratching his nuts - - something she seemed

to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,

'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'


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## csb (Dec 3, 2008)

AUGH!

:appl:


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## Dleg (Dec 4, 2008)

DVINNY said:


> since tasteless is the topic for the day:
> 
> A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
> 
> ...


I LOVE IT! A new joke for me to tell this weekend!

Something in another thread reminded me of this one:

Little Billy's father walked in to his room and caught him masturbating. "Son! You need to save that for when you're married!"

"OK. I'm sorry Dad."

Time passes, and little Billy has grown up and gotten himself engaged. As Billy is getting into his tuxedo just prior to the service, he asks his father:

"Dad, remember that time you caught me jerking off, ad you told me to save it until I was married?"

His father chuckles and says "Yeah, I remember that. Why?"

"Well, I've got a 55 gallon barrel of the stuff now. What am I supposed to do with it?"


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## csb (Dec 4, 2008)

:blink:


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## DVINNY (Dec 4, 2008)

Dleg said:


> Little Billy's father walked in to his room and caught him masturbating. "Son! You need to save that for when you're married!"
> "OK. I'm sorry Dad."
> 
> Time passes, and little Billy has grown up and gotten himself engaged. As Billy is getting into his tuxedo just prior to the service, he asks his father:
> ...


:jerkit: :burgerking:


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## DVINNY (Dec 8, 2008)

*WOMEN*

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.

She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"

Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it.

"Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"

Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"

Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."


----------



## wilheldp_PE (Dec 8, 2008)

DVINNY said:


> *WOMEN*
> Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
> 
> She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"
> ...


...John will be up for parole after serving 30 years.


----------



## MA_PE (Dec 8, 2008)

My HS aged son told me this one.

How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dirty dishes are piling up.


----------



## DVINNY (Dec 11, 2008)

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word

'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,

and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word

'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I

was fascinated.

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use

the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.. The teacher hesitated because she had

been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no

way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits

are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.


----------



## wilheldp_PE (Dec 11, 2008)

DVINNY said:


> A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word'fascinate' in a sentence.
> 
> Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
> 
> ...


Little Johnny has said more funny shit in his childhood than any comedian can in his whole life.


----------



## KEG (Dec 11, 2008)

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes in to learn more, 'Can you give me some more details?' He asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here………….

Oh, is that where the job is?'

'No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now.'


----------



## IlPadrino (Dec 11, 2008)

DVINNY said:


> Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her titsare so big she can only fasten eight.'
> 
> The teacher sat down and cried.


Johnny went to my school, but the teacher didn't pick the word, the students did...

Sally volunteered "beautiful. My teacher is beautiful."

Jimmy said "awesome. My teacher is awesome."

and so on...

Until finally, only Johnny hadn't been called on.

"OK, Johnny. Your turn."

Johnny said "urinate.... You're an eight... but if your tits were bigger you'd be a ten."


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## DVINNY (Dec 12, 2008)

CLASSICS FROM THE 10K



Dleg said:


> That reminds me, what's the difference between a circus and a chorus line?





Dleg said:


> One features an array of cunning stunts....






Flyer_PE said:


> ^ Same concept: What's the difference between a tribe of African pygmies and the girls track team?





Flyer_PE said:


> The answer is:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Chucktown PE (Dec 15, 2008)

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: 

Always keep your condoms in your car.


----------



## Sschell (Dec 15, 2008)

^ :appl:


----------



## EM_PS (Jan 1, 2009)

Snow. . .beautiful snow - Imagine, if you will, a certain Floridian relocating to oh say Michigan. . .here would be the chronicles of JR:

December 8, 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took

our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft

flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So

romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch

of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely

place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did

both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came

along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got

to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My

neighbor tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas.

No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by

the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think

that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20.

The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but

I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I

didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll

certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4 x 4 Blazer. Bought snow

tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The

wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's

silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway

putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I

think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity

was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing

to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I

should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it

when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living

room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last

night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy

playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store

around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have

another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to

shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the

white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till

August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and

then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed

again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on

his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think

the asshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me

to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!

Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I

think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.

Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch

who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls

and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the

corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the

street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just

been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and

open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25

Merry friggin' Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -

Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the

snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit

him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I

think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful

Life' one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in.. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER

idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14

hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my

pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me

crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.

That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me

for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for

trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to

her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.

Why am I tied to the bed?


----------



## krenim (Jan 1, 2009)

DVINNY said:


> A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
> He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'
> 
> 'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
> ...


I thought he grew up to be Vice President Dick Cheney...


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## krenim (Jan 1, 2009)

error_matrix said:


> Snow. . .beautiful snow - Imagine, if you will, a certain Floridian relocating to oh say Michigan. .
> ....
> 
> Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
> ...


Been there, done it, still got the t-shirt. Except you missed a few days in there. It snows EVERY day in December in the UP. My daily routine when I lived there was get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, blow off the driveway, go to bed. Repeat. Occasionally the snow skipped a day, so I got to substitute "shovel roof" for blow off driveway..."Say ya, to da U.P., eh?"


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## mudpuppy (Jan 1, 2009)

^krenim, are you a fellow MTU alum?


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## krenim (Jan 1, 2009)

No, I'm a North Dakota State alum, I worked for one of the iron mines near Marquette.


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## wilheldp_PE (Jan 7, 2009)

error_matrix said:


> If I ever catch the son of a bitchwho drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls
> 
> and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the
> 
> ...


Man shoots snow plow driver



> SPOKANE, Wash. (AP) - More than 6 feet of snow in the past three weeks has left Spokane residents frustrated. Tempers are so frayed that a man was arrested for shooting at a snow plow operator.


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## MA_PE (Jan 7, 2009)

wilheldp_PE said:


> Man shoots snow plow driver


And that's funny, why?


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## wilheldp_PE (Jan 7, 2009)

MA_PE said:


> And that's funny, why?


It's not...it just reminded me of Error Matrix's post.


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## Supe (Jan 9, 2009)

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.' Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, ' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'


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## DVINNY (Jan 9, 2009)

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please." She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down. After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer.

She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'"


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## Dleg (Jan 11, 2009)

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are at lunch one day, discussing what each of them would hope people would say at their funerals.

The doctor said "I want people to just say, 'he was a good doctor, and a great father and husband'."

The lawyer said "I want people to say 'he treasured justice above all else'."

The engineer said "I want people to say 'Hey! Look at that! He's moving!'."


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## DVINNY (Jan 12, 2009)

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Joe,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work

leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't

driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out

and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my

husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was

in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband

is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke

down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been

feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him

the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.

He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused

by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that

there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the

vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all

grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Joe


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## DVINNY (Jan 12, 2009)

Riddle of the Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer below!

***************************



Spoiler



The answer is: 'A Last Name.'


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## DVINNY (Jan 20, 2009)

Subject: Fw: Harley Dude

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange developmenton the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her

not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.

She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no

problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."


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## MA_PE (Jan 23, 2009)

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those fu*king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

One of the men immediately responds,

'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck.


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## Flyer_PE (Jan 26, 2009)

Country music at it's best:


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## Dleg (Jan 26, 2009)

^^ Oooh, that's harsh!

(my screen shows nothing at all!!!!)


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## Flyer_PE (Jan 26, 2009)

Dleg said:


> (my screen shows nothing at all!!!!)


It's a youtube video of Aaron Wilburn doing a song called "If My Nose Was Running Money".


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## snickerd3 (Feb 13, 2009)

LETTER FROM A FARM KID ... 

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.

No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.

Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there¢s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the city boys that live on coffee.

Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.

If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.

A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.

Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

This will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.I don't know why.

The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges.They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.

It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.

I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.I only beat him once.

He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Carol


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## frazil (Feb 13, 2009)

LOL! I was waiting for the joke - that's pretty good.


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## DVINNY (Feb 14, 2009)

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the

prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die."

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... you don't."


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## DVINNY (Feb 14, 2009)

One day Steve Johnson has one of his rehab houses fall on him and he fines himself in hell.As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan:"Why so glum?"

Johnson:"What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan:"Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

SJ:"Sure, I love to drink."

Satan"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila,Guinness, wine coolers,Bud lite,Fresca. We drink 'til we throe up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

SJ:"Gee that sounds great!"

Satan:"You a smoker."

SJ:"You better believe it"

Satan:"Then you're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer- no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

SJ:"Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan:"I bet you like to gamble."

SJ:"Why, yes as a matter of fact I do."

Satan:"Good,'cause Wednesday you gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

SJ:"Cool!"

Satan:"What about drugs?"

SJ:"Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean....?

Satan:"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

SJ:"Wow!!I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan:"You gay

SJ:"No..."

Satan:"Oooooo. Fridays are going to be tough..."


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## DVINNY (Feb 14, 2009)

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as

part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office

and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous

day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,

it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I

tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for

help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still

nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with

her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first

with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it

between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'


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## DVINNY (Feb 21, 2009)

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While on his way home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his nude wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited the money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.

HE paid for your Maple Leafs season tickets.

HE paid for your Argonauts season tickets.

HE paid for our lake front house in Cobourg.

HE paid for our cottages in Kelowna and Muskoka.

HE paid for our speed boat.

HE paid for your country club membership, and...

HE even pays for your monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his butt up with that blanket before he catches a cold.


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.

He sat down and asked his mate what happened.

"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend.

Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too.

Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand.

There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white.

So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball.

I called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like yours?'

And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted.

On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the men's. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly!

At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. "Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us."

"What is it?" asked Mr. Davies.

"Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her butt."

The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

George was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said George. " As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week".

"Well you should think yourself lucky" said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy - isn't that Dick Green?"

"No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!"


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit...

Man, "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!"

Girl, "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man, "It's been ten years!"

With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man, "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl, "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man, "It's been ten years"

The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man, "Oh..thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"

The man looked at her and said excitedly, "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

A man was invited to play at his friend's course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved. However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man's anatomy protruding from around the tree. "He's certainly not my husband, I can tell" said the first lady.

"Disgusting - I'm glad he's not mine either" said the second lady.

"It really is a damned cheek." said the third, "That's not even a club member!"


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf &amp; enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

A Jew, a Catholic and a Morman were having drinks at the bar after an inter-faith convention. The Jew, bragging about his virility said, "I have four sons, one more and I'll have a basketball team!"

The Catholic poo-poohed this acomplishment, stating, "That's nothing boy, I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellers ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!"


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt!"

"That putt was no longer than my 'willy'." The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, every time I swing my 7 iron I pass this outrageous gas." He swings the iron in the doctor's office and breaks a loud sound of wind. He swings the 8 iron and nothing, he swings the 6 and nothing. He swings the 7 again the same loud sound is heard, followed by a very foul smell.

The doctor says, "Hmmm, interesting case," and gets up and grabs a long pole laying against the wall.

"What are you going to do with that," the fellow nervously asks, fearing the worst.

"I'm going to open the window and let some air into this room," the Doc replies.


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

One day a Blonde was Walking down the street when the club pro saw her out of the glimpse of his eye and yelled, "Do you want to play?"

She replied, "No. I don't know how to I don't even know how to hold the caddy."


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

A guy was on a holiday in Mexico and figuring he might as well live it up a little he rented a 7-series BMW to go to the nearest golf course for a round of golf. On the way there he noticed that the car was low on gas and stopped at a small out-of-the-way gas station to fill up. The attendant was obviously impressed by the car and while the golfer was on the way to the men's room the attendant noticed that he had dropped some small 'things' while he was getting out of the car. Not knowing what they were and hoping for a big tip, when the golfer returned to the car the attendant asked, "Excuse me sir, but are these yours?"

"Yes, thanks! Those are my tees."

"What are they for?"

"They are to put my balls on when I'm driving"

"Damn German engineers think of everything don't they?!"


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

Husband and wife were playing in the mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle - she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot which went onto the green a metre from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it five metres beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, "We'll have to do better. That was a bogey five."

"Don't blame me," she snapped, "I only took two of them."


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. "There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".

"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

"Tom" sits in the clubhouse bar thinking about his next extra marital affair. Deep in though about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking allowed. "Not worth it" he muttered, "never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk."

A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over herd Toms words leaned across and said, "come on Tom you knew what to expect when you took up golf."


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

A golfer arrives in heaven. St Peter meets him at the gate. "We usually don't get golfers here you know, they swear too much," he says to the golfer.

"I've only ever used fould language once, Sir," the golfer replies.

"Tell me about it," St. Peter says.

"Well, I hit my tee shot badly. It hooked deep into the woods."

"And that's when you swore?" St. Peter asks.

"No, the ball hit a tree and bounced out towards the center of the fairway but it ended up in the fairway trap."

"And that's when you swore?" St. Peter asks again.

"No, I hit a great sand shot, but it caught a branch and fell twenty yards short of the green."

"And then you swore?" St. Peter asks impatiently.

"No, I chipped it and it stopped 6 inches from the cup."

To this St. Peter exclaims, "Don't tell me you missed the *&amp;$%@#@#* six-inch putt."


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered coolly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball......…….....after you hit it"!


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer. At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

And the caddie replied, "Eventually."


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

"Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?" asked the curious golfer.

"It's not a watch, sir. It's a compass"


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, the confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me." The caddy handed him the four-wood, which he topped about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt!"


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

Tom's tee shot off the first tee hooks horribly and skips off the clubhouse roof. He decides it's not worth chasing so he tees up another ball and plays on. As he's making the turn at nine, his friend comes running out of the clubhouse, "Tom, wait up!"

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Did you see what happened to your ball from the first tee?"

"Well, I hooked the ball off the clubhouse roof but I didn't see what happened to it."

"Let me tell you, it ricocheted off a van's window which went out of control and hit a school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and burst into flames! Three kids are in critical condition at the hospital!"

"Oh my God! What should I do?"

"Well, I think if you just open your club face a little bit . . . ."


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

There are two guys out on the course that come up on a couple of ladies playing slow. One of the guys walks up towards the ladies to ask if they can play through. About halfway there he turns around and comes back and says to his friend, "I can't go up there and talk to them, that is my wife and my mistress."

So his friend replies, "I'll go up and ask them." When he is halfway there he turns around and comes back and states to his friend, "Small world".


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

Two male golfers are standing on the 10th tee. Bill takes about 20 practice swings, changes his grip 5 or 6 times, and changes his stance just as much.

"Hey Bill what are you doing? Play for heaven's sake. We don't have all day!" says Jim.

"Hold on a minute, I gotta do this right. See the woman standing up there on the clubhouse porch? That's my wife and I would like to get off the perfect shot," replied Bill.

Jim looks, and about 250 yards away he sees Bill's wife. You must be kidding. You couldn't hit her from here.


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past. Our golfer said "yes, she ran into the woods".

The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through her chasing a naked lady. He said yes, they ran that way through the woods. The man said thanks and started to run off when the

golfer stopped him and asked, "hey, what's going on?"

The guy explained, "you see we work at a sanitarium nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and make love".

The golfer then asked, "well what's the bucket of sand for???"

The guy in the white coat said, "Oh that's my handicap, you see I caught her last time!!


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?


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## DVINNY (Feb 27, 2009)

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high and over the tree. Unfortunately, not high enough to clear the tree. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds to the right. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."


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## DVINNY (Mar 14, 2009)

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

*************************************** ************************************************** *** **************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

************************************************** ************************************************** *******

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim . But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya', Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim ?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************** ************************************************** ********

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

************************************************** ************************************************** *****

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"


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## DVINNY (Mar 14, 2009)

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

In the evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise,

he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and

he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

Later in the night around sunset the boy walks by coming home

and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled

roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying

what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."


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## Supe (Mar 16, 2009)

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'

Have you ever been in the military service?'

Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward

employment.'

Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'

The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my

testicles.'

The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K.

You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start

tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A..M. every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to

4:00P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'

This is a government job,' the interviewer says.

'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and

scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that


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## Supe (Mar 19, 2009)

&gt; Life's Rules

&gt;

&gt; 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

&gt;

&gt; 2.. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

&gt;

&gt; 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

&gt;

&gt; 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I

&gt; said, 'Thyroid problem?'

&gt;

&gt; 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up

&gt; really fast.

&gt;

&gt; 6.. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.'

&gt;

&gt; 7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

&gt;

&gt; 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

&gt;

&gt; 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

&gt;

&gt; 10.. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get

&gt; elected.

&gt;

&gt; 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no

&gt; trade-in value.

&gt;

&gt; 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes,

&gt; make Bloody Mary's.

&gt;

&gt; 13.. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you

&gt; want to annoy for the rest of your life.

&gt;

&gt; 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

&gt;

&gt; 15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

&gt;

&gt; 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days

&gt; I've stayed alive.

&gt;

&gt; 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan

&gt; to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains.'

&gt;

&gt; 18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game!' when their team is winning.

&gt;

&gt; 19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery

&gt; tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

&gt;

&gt; 20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're

&gt; on.

&gt;

&gt; 21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing

&gt; section in a swimming pool?

&gt;

&gt; 22. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

&gt;

&gt; 23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

&gt;

&gt; 24.. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

&gt;

&gt; 25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't

&gt; pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

&gt;


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## DVINNY (Mar 22, 2009)

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


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## DVINNY (Mar 22, 2009)

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,

'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face..'


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## DVINNY (Mar 22, 2009)

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


----------



## DVINNY (Mar 22, 2009)

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody.'


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## DVINNY (Mar 22, 2009)

THE SILVER SCREW

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.

Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . . . And thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all o f his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . . And his butt fell off.

The moral to this is:

'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.'


----------



## DVINNY (Mar 30, 2009)

Two gay men decide to have a baby.

They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming but over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

“Isn't it wonderful!” one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!”

The nurse says, “Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!”


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## Dleg (Mar 30, 2009)

^^Instant classic!!!!!!! I'm telling this one this weekend....


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## Flyer_PE (Apr 2, 2009)

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

Susie Lee done fell in love,

She planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy 'bout it all,

She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,

You'll have to find another.

I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,

But Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe

And planned to marry Will.

But after telling Pappy this,

He said, 'There's trouble still.'

You can't marry Will, my gal,

And please don't tell yo' mother,

But Will and Joe, and several mo'

I know is yo' half brother.

But Mama knew and said, My child,

Just do what makes you happy.

Marry Will or marry Joe;

You ain't no kin to Pappy.

***************************

(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)


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## Flyer_PE (Apr 4, 2009)

Beware: Home Depot Scam

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Don't be naive enough think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing each other and making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, &amp; 24th 29th. Also March 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 11th, 12th, three times last Saturday, probably tomorrow, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be very careful. P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each


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## mudpuppy (Apr 4, 2009)

^I haven't been to HD in quite a while; sounds like it's time to make a trip!


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## Supe (Apr 6, 2009)

mudpuppy said:


> ^I haven't been to HD in quite a while; sounds like it's time to make a trip!


I always used to tell people that I loved to walk around Home Depot just for the smell. Little did they know, sawdust and home improvement weren't the smells I was referring to...


----------



## ktulu (May 6, 2009)

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''. Not

being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post

turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and

you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a

'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he

continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he

doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up

there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to

begin with'.


----------



## EM_PS (May 6, 2009)

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, 'Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.

The young guy says, That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. I said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says,! 'Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

I said ...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

Most Old Guys are helpful like that.


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## EM_PS (May 6, 2009)

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Lucrecia, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the head, killing her instantly. A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said your golf ball hit her in the head, is that correct?"

Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged in her rectum."

Verne: "Was it a Titlist 3?"

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Verne: "That was my mulligan."


----------



## Kephart P.E. (May 6, 2009)

Wolverine said:


> :appl: :appl: :appl:
> Now, if we could only get a majority Conservative in the Republican Party.
> 
> Heck, I'd even accept a few from the (D) party.


If the Rep. Party wasn't so concerned about teaching creationism, abstinence, and hetro marriage, and concerned themselves with the governing of our country they would be in charge.


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## wilheldp_PE (May 6, 2009)

A lot of people said that a black man would be President of the USA when pigs flew. Well, Obama is in the White House, and 100 days later....swine flu.


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## DVINNY (May 7, 2009)

^^


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## Sschell (May 7, 2009)

Kermit got swine flu...

from eating Miss Piggy


----------



## MA_PE (May 7, 2009)

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it. '

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

'Here it is, 'she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'


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## cement (May 8, 2009)

^ now that's a good one!


----------



## Guest (May 17, 2009)

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie.. 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going trust a FEMA genie...'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached


----------



## cement (May 19, 2009)

[SIZE=12pt]Sense of Freshness...[/SIZE]

A new supermarket opened in Topeka , KS . It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


----------



## Sschell (May 19, 2009)

The following is *EXACTLY* as I recieved it in my email (including the last line).

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The vet told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the vet, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The hillbilly said to the vet, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the vet.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1,"

"2,"

"3,"

"4,"

"5,".....

at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , and West Virginia .


----------



## DVINNY (May 19, 2009)

^^^ HEy, I resemble that


----------



## csb (Jun 8, 2009)

Thought of an old joke today that isn't relevant anymore:

What do Saddam Hussein and pantyhose have in common?



Spoiler



They both irritate Bush.




Note:



Spoiler



The reason it's not relevant is because both George Bushes are out of office and Saddam is dead, not for any other reason, you pervs.


----------



## MA_PE (Jun 8, 2009)

csb said:


> Thought of an old joke today that isn't relevant anymore:
> What do Saddam Hussein and pantyhose have in common?
> 
> 
> ...





Spoiler



Note:

The reason it's not relevant is because both George Bushes are out of office and Saddam is dead, not for any other reason, you pervs.







Spoiler



So then both ex-president Bush(s) were only irritated by pantyhose when they were in office? Why was that? Was this something you read in Cosmo or some other women's magazine?


----------



## Capt Worley PE (Jun 11, 2009)

Obama was touring the farm belt, looking to sell some more giveaways. At one farm flies kept buzzing around his head, annoying him greatly.

"What kind of flies are these?" asked Obama of the farmer.

"Those are horse flies," answered the farmer. "You usually find them around a horse's a$$."

"Are you implying I'm a horse's a$$?"

"No sir, but those flies are hard to fool."


----------



## Dleg (Jun 16, 2009)

Best said aloud, around your Japanese friends:

"Did you know that 90% of all Japanese men have cataracts?"

no!

"Yeah, and the other 10% drive Rincolns!"

:lmao:


----------



## What!! (Jun 18, 2009)

Captain Ronald

Could you please tell me the condition of Captain Ronald in Room No. 605? He was operated upon last week and I’d like to know his condition.' The nurse excused herself and then returned to the phone. 'I have just checked Captain Ronald’s chart. His condition is excellent and he seems to be making steady improvement. Who shall I say called?' 'This is Captain Ronald in room. No.605. My doctors don’t tell me a thing!


----------



## What!! (Jun 18, 2009)

LITTLE HARRY

Little Harry was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. 'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother. 'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until little Lalloo thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?' B)


----------



## MA_PE (Jun 23, 2009)

Twelve Irish priests were about to be

ordained.

The final test was for them to line up

in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,

beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before

them.

Each priest had a small bell attached

to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell

rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained

because he had not reached a state of

spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the

first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the

line with the same response from all the priests until she

got to the final priest, Terry.

Poor Terry.

As she danced, his bell began to ring

so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground

and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Terry quickly scrambled

to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up .....then

all the other bells started to ring.


----------



## TouchDown (Jun 23, 2009)

Oh, that's classic. Funny!


----------



## TouchDown (Jun 30, 2009)

The Man Rules

Please note.. these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.


----------



## TouchDown (Jul 9, 2009)

A wealthy Old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old dog nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! "

Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! "


----------



## What!! (Jul 9, 2009)

Awesome :appl:


----------



## Paul S (Jul 10, 2009)

_From my email, straight to you_

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless America


----------



## DVINNY (Jul 10, 2009)

^^ That's my girl


----------



## DVINNY (Jul 13, 2009)

Original ad:



> im selling my 1991 ford f150 for $2500. call ***-***-**** for more info or email


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Mike Partlow to ************@********.org

Hey,

I am interested in your truck. How many miles does it have on it?

Mike

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:

do you have a number you can be reached at?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:

Yes I do. My number is (***)-492-159.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:

that isnt a phone nubmer there arent enough numbers

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:

That is my phone number. You can get a number with less digits for a small monthly fee, which I am paying for.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:

well i dont think its working i tried calling and it said its not a number

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:

Did you dial 1 first?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:

i just tried that and it is not working

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:

Wait are you calling from Philly?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:

yes

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:

Oh, my mistake. Since you are calling from Philly, you have to dial a 6 first, followed by the pound sign, and then my number.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:

IT ISNT WORKING

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:

Shit, do you just want my office number? It is a little complicated.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:

yeah fine give me that

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:

You have to call my office at (215)-592-**** and then put in extension 4491-2938 followed by the pound sign to be transferred to the Human Resources department. Once you are transferred there, you need to enter this pin as the security access code: 2A11-3D58-2F41-FW31. You will be put through to Katie, our receptionist. She is going to ask you a series of questions to confirm you are not a machine. Upon confirmation, tell her that you want to speak to Richard, tell him Mike sent you. When Richard gets on, ask him to page Mike Partlow. Use this code as a reference: 8281-WK82F. It should take about two minutes upon me receiving the page to make it to the secure office phone. I can only talk on that phone for about 15 seconds, so I will give you a randomly generated payphone number for you to call me on. I will then run down to the lobby and pick up the payphone, and then we can talk. Got it?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:

it says that is not a working number

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:

Did you dial 1 first?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:

fuck this. forget it

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:

Wait, I also have a pager number. Do you want that instead?


----------



## TouchDown (Jul 24, 2009)

Jim and Bob are golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbs down in search of it.

Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, I got trouble down here."

Bob calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."


----------



## cement (Jul 25, 2009)

^ now that's an engineer!


----------



## cdnEngr (Aug 6, 2009)

IlPadrino said:


> Sorry... my fault. How about this:
> -----
> 
> 1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Fancy-pants.
> ...


Wow, this is so offensive. I can't believe that the owners of this board will allow this - in this day and age.


----------



## BluSkyy (Aug 6, 2009)

loosen up.


----------



## jmbeck (Aug 6, 2009)

cdnEngr said:


> Wow, this is so offensive. I can't believe that the owners of this board will allow this - in this day and age.


What are you, a fag or something?

I can't believe that someone would get offended by a post in a joke forum that is dripping with satire, in this day and age.

Besides, there is no discrimination or bigotry on eb.com. Here, we are all equally useless, lest we wouldn't have the time to be on here all day, every day. In fact, one of the moderators is an outed scrapbooker.


----------



## Guest (Aug 6, 2009)

cdnEngr said:


> Wow, this is so offensive. I can't believe that the owners of this board will allow this - in this day and age.


Lighten up francis!!!

JR


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Aug 8, 2009)

> In fact, one of the moderators is an outed scrapbooker.


:laugh: :appl:


----------



## cement (Aug 9, 2009)

I find a sense of humor to be very valuble in the practice of engineering.

maybe you don't need one. It appears that you are functioning without one cdn. good luck out there!


----------



## Road Guy (Aug 10, 2009)

I own the board &amp; you have to do way more than that to offend me..


----------



## DVINNY (Aug 25, 2009)

The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon

Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for

his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the

Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that

he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost

him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the

scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit

into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching

commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to

address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a

special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and

that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote

to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put

into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the

Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually

relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to

his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing

that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh

told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into

the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............

Pay your bills!!


----------



## Supe (Aug 25, 2009)

:Locolaugh:


----------



## KEG (Aug 25, 2009)

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's

opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one

hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked

under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the f%#k do you think?"


----------



## Supe (Aug 25, 2009)

KEG said:


> A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one
> 
> hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked
> 
> ...




This is why I won't have kids. That's what he'd turn out like.


----------



## Dleg (Sep 16, 2009)

Just overheard outside my office:

If you have Bird Flu, you need to seek tweetment....

If you have Swine Flu, you need to apply some oinkment....

:brick:


----------



## Guest (Sep 16, 2009)

:appl: :appl: :appl:

JR


----------



## Sschell (Sep 23, 2009)

WOMAN'S

LOVE POEM

Before I lay me down

to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart

and strong,

One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he

speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully

employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and

opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man

who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my

behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my

very best friend.

MAN'S

LOVE POEM

I pray for a

deaf-mute nymphomaniac with

Huge boobs

who owns a bar on a golf

course,

And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This

Doesn't rhyme and I

don't give a shit.


----------



## MA_PE (Sep 27, 2009)

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage. He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back... He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today..." "Oh, just give it to me and I`ll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without." "Send extra sauce."


----------



## Guest (Sep 27, 2009)

As one who has been watching shows on TLC and DiscoveryHealth about unknown pregnancies and multiple births ...







JR


----------



## Sschell (Oct 12, 2009)

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could

manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my

fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it

heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint,

and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their

honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her

beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched

these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, ....

still in the CRATE!'


----------



## Dark Knight (Oct 12, 2009)

sschell_PE said:


> A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
> 
> Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could
> 
> ...


:Locolaugh: :Locolaugh: :Locolaugh:

You almost sent me back to the hospital.


----------



## goodal (Oct 27, 2009)

The other day my boss was talking on his cell phone and driving (still legal in TN). He came up to a red light and didn't notice how fast the large pickup in front of him was stopping, resulting in a minor fender bender. He promptly hung up and got out of his car only to see a dwarf hop out of the big truck and start charging at him, obviously upset.

When the other driver got wthin a few feet he said "I'll have you know I am not happy!"

To which my boss immediatly replied "Well, which one are you?"


----------



## Dark Knight (Oct 27, 2009)

badal said:


> The other day my boss was talking on his cell phone and driving (still legal in TN). He came up to a red light and didn't notice how fast the large pickup in front of him was stopping, resulting in a minor fender bender. He promptly hung up and got out of his car only to see a dwarf hop out of the big truck and start charging at him, obviously upset.
> When the other driver got wthin a few feet he said "I'll have you know I am not happy!"
> 
> To which my boss immediatly replied "Well, which one are you?"


Let me guess.....Tim?????


----------



## Flyer_PE (Nov 30, 2009)

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day:

Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember that amateurs built the Ark.

Professionals built the Titanic


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Nov 30, 2009)

> 13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.


Uhhh...daylight savings time is from the end of April until the end of October. Everybody loves it, because it stays light later.

Except my wife, who loves when we set the clock back because it's light for her morning run. But she's weird.


----------



## Capt Worley PE (Nov 30, 2009)

> 10. Never lick a steak knife.


I do this all the time. No biggie.


----------



## Freon (Nov 30, 2009)

What about "Never sleep with a woman who has a tatoo of a dagger on her inner thigh" ?


----------



## Melanie11 (Nov 30, 2009)

Flyer_PE said:


> 14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.


My personal favorite!


----------



## roadwreck (Nov 30, 2009)

Capt Worley PE said:


> > 10. Never lick a steak knife.
> 
> 
> I do this all the time. No biggie.


me too, I don't see a problem with it.


----------



## Fluvial (Nov 30, 2009)

Aren't some of these Dave Barry-isms? I love 'em though.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 30, 2009)

> 18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.


I know several people like this, and I have always never fully trusted them....


----------



## Santiagj (Dec 1, 2009)

I hate daylight savings time. I am usually at work by 630am. I usually get to work during the dark before or after daylight savings time. To me it takes away daylight. Now if I have a late day at work and I have to leave at 4pm I get home and its dark already. If there was not daylight savings time I would have at least an hour of light. I hate coming home from work in the dark.


----------



## Flyer_PE (Dec 1, 2009)

Capt Worley PE said:


> > 10. Never lick a steak knife.
> 
> 
> I do this all the time. No biggie.


Eathy for you to thay!


----------



## Capt Worley PE (Dec 1, 2009)

^White man speak with forked tongue!


----------



## cement (Dec 1, 2009)

Flyer_PE said:


> 16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.


I need to send this to my wife.

well, maybe not...


----------



## Sschell (Dec 1, 2009)

^lol!!!


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Dec 1, 2009)

cement said:


> Flyer_PE said:
> 
> 
> > 16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
> ...


Send it to the dumb hag who rear ended my car a couple weeks back.


----------



## Fluvial (Dec 1, 2009)

Dleg said:


> > 18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
> 
> 
> I know several people like this, and I have always never fully trusted them....



You can learn a lot about a person by how they treat service folks.


----------



## Santiagj (Dec 1, 2009)

I have been thinking about rules which I live by. Here are the ones that I am very consistent about.

Never drink while doing electrical work.

Never drink while fishing.

Never drink while gambling.


----------



## Santiagj (Dec 1, 2009)

Had to add another one.

Never answer the cell phone while at the check out line.

It goes along with #18. I think its extremely rude to have a cashier bag your items while you don't even acknowledge their presence. I hate it when people do that.


----------



## Sschell (Dec 1, 2009)

Santiagj said:


> I have been thinking about rules which I live by. Here are the ones that I am very consistent about.
> Never drink while doing electrical work.
> 
> Never drink while fishing.
> ...


I have to say... I have broken all three of those pretty consistently.

actually, I rarely do any of those when not drinking.


----------



## Capt Worley PE (Dec 1, 2009)

Santiagj said:


> Never drink while fishing.


If by never you mean always, then, yes, never drink while fishing.


----------



## Santiagj (Dec 1, 2009)

I used to drink while fishing. Then I realized there was a correlation between hooking myself in the hands, head, etc and the number CABs I consumed.

As far as gambling and drinking, lets just say I lost some money at a craps table when my logic became hampered.

And as far as electrical work I have big fingers and messing with electrical while drunk almost makes it impossible.

So I guess that I came upon my rules the hard way.


----------



## Sschell (Dec 1, 2009)

Santiagj said:


> I used to drink while fishing. Then I realized there was a correlation between hooking myself in the hands, head, etc and the number CABs I consumed.


there is an inverse relationship to the amount of pain experienced when hooked though...

and if you are not drinking while fishing you are just sitting around holding your rod...


----------



## wilheldp_PE (Dec 1, 2009)

sschell_PE said:


> Santiagj said:
> 
> 
> > I have been thinking about rules which I live by. Here are the ones that I am very consistent about.
> ...


I was thinking the same thing. If you don't drink while gambling in Vegas, you are missing out on one of the best deals in country...free booze while gambling. I've found that my losses mount whether or not I'm drinking, so I might as well try to recoup my losses in booze.



Santiagj said:


> I used to drink while fishing. Then I realized there was a correlation between hooking myself in the hands, head, etc and the number CABs I consumed.


The beauty is that you don't feel the pain if you've had enough to drink.


----------



## Capt Worley PE (Dec 1, 2009)

Santiagj said:


> I used to drink while fishing. Then I realized there was a correlation between hooking myself in the hands, head, etc and the number CABs I consumed.


If you figured that out, you weren't drinking enough.


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Dec 1, 2009)

I don't gamble, and I'd electrocute myself if I tried electrical work, which leaves fishing. Last time I tried that was 6 years ago when I hooked the guy teaching me how to cast a fly rod in the ass.


----------



## wilheldp_PE (Dec 1, 2009)

VTEnviro said:


> how to cast a fly rod in the ass.


I don't think there was a way to word that sentence without it being funny.


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Dec 1, 2009)

The ass of the guy who was teaching...

The guy who's ass I hooked...

Hooks and asses...

I see your point.


----------



## benbo (Dec 1, 2009)

38. If you need a butt transplant, don't go to Argentina.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/americas/12/...eath/index.html


----------



## Capt Worley PE (Dec 1, 2009)

benbo said:


> 38. If you need a butt transplant, don't go to Argentina.http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/americas/12/...eath/index.html


I wonder if somehow Mark Sanford was involved in this...


----------



## ALBin517 (Dec 1, 2009)

Santiagj said:


> Never drink while fishing.



I usually bait my hook only once when we arrive... which leaves more time for boozing... and I don't have to worry about hooking myself after tipping a few.

Problem solved


----------



## Dleg (Dec 1, 2009)

sschell_PE said:


> and if you are not drinking while fishing you are just sitting around holding your rod...


Damn, sschell's on a roll today! Well said!


----------



## Wolverine (Dec 1, 2009)

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:

* The universe is even bigger than they thought!

* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!

* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong

There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.


----------



## Sschell (Dec 1, 2009)

^now that is awesome!


----------



## MGX (Dec 1, 2009)

39. Don't whiz on the electric fence

http://electricfencewhiz.ytmnd.com/


----------



## EM_PS (Dec 1, 2009)

Wolverine said:


> When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show.


Three's Company rocked! At least when Suzanne Somers was on it (she's still hot!)


----------



## maryannette (Dec 1, 2009)

I like the thing that Jimmy Valvano talked about before he died:

I just got one last thing, I urge all of you, all of you, to enjoy your life, the precious moments you have. To spend each day with some laughter and some thought, to get you're emotions going. To be enthusiastic every day and as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Nothing great could be accomplished without enthusiasm," to keep your dreams alive in spite of problems whatever you have. The ability to be able to work hard for your dreams to come true, to become a reality.

My interpretation of this is that I have had a good day if I have laughed and cried and learned something. Live like you're dying.


----------



## wilheldp_PE (Dec 1, 2009)

"Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals, I'm living proof ... Beefcake, BEEFCAKE!"

-Cartman


----------



## Wolverine (Dec 2, 2009)




----------



## Ble_PE (Dec 2, 2009)

One of my rules is to always check for TP before you sit down.


----------



## jeb6294 (Dec 2, 2009)

error_matrix said:


> Three's Company rocked! At least when Suzanne Somers was on it (she's still hot!)


 Mmmm...thighmaster :dancingnaughty:


----------



## jeb6294 (Dec 2, 2009)

One that relates back to an old thread...

Never go to a *teaching hospital* to get your vasectomy done.


----------



## cement (Dec 2, 2009)

when are the twins due?


----------



## Dleg (Dec 2, 2009)

And will you be birthing them naturally from your new vagina, or will you go for a caesarian section?


----------



## Supe (Dec 3, 2009)

Arguing with an engineer is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a while, you realize that they like it .


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Dec 3, 2009)

You've mud wrestled with other engineers? Whoa.


----------



## Supe (Dec 3, 2009)

VTEnviro said:


> You've mud wrestled with other engineers? Whoa.



Ironically enough, I have. In my Ohio State days with a roommate and two female MechE's, one female MechE of which was particularly well endowed.


----------



## jmbeck (Dec 3, 2009)

Supe said:


> VTEnviro said:
> 
> 
> > You've mud wrestled with other engineers? Whoa.
> ...



You went to school with female MEs? I call shenanigans.


----------



## Supe (Dec 3, 2009)

jmbeck said:


> Supe said:
> 
> 
> > VTEnviro said:
> ...



I kid you not. Quite a few, too. Behold, the benefits of taking engineering honors courses at the largest school in the country.


----------



## Dexman1349 (Dec 3, 2009)

jmbeck said:


> Supe said:
> 
> 
> > VTEnviro said:
> ...


"I swear to god I will pistol-whip the next guy who says shenanigans."

"Hey Favra, what's the name of that place you like to go that has all the shit on the walls?"


----------



## Chucktown PE (Dec 3, 2009)

^^ one of the greatest movies of all time.


----------



## Dexman PE (Jan 25, 2010)

This has been idle for WAY too long...

#25 is for RW...

2010 Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions

(What we say versus what it means)

1. A number of different approaches are being tried.

We are still guessing at this point.

2. Close project coordination.

We sat down and had coffee together.

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.

We just hired three punk kids out of school.

4. Major technological breakthrough!

It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.

We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.

The damned thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. Test results were extremely gratifying!

Unbelievable, it actually worked!

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.

The only guy who understood the thing quit.

9. It is in process.

It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.

10. We will look into it.

Forget it! We have enough problems already.

11. Please note and initial.

Let's spread the responsibility for this.

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.

We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.

13. Give us your interpretation.

We can't wait to hear your B.S. ideas.

14. See me or let's discuss.

Come to my office, I've screwed up again.

15. All new.

Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

16. Rugged.

Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.

17. Robust!

Rugged, but more so

18. Light weight.

Slightly lighter than rugged

19. Years of development.

One finally worked

20. Energy saving.

Achieved when the power switch is off.

21. No maintenance.

Impossible to fix

22. Low maintenance.

Nearly impossible to fix

23. Fax me the data.

I'm too lazy to write it down.

24. We are following the standard!

That's the way we have always done it!

25. I didn't get your e-mail.

I haven't checked my e-mail for days.


----------



## Dexman PE (Mar 12, 2010)

Another bump

My Job Hunt

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it...I couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!---and LOVING it!!!


----------



## MA_PE (Mar 13, 2010)

nice job Dex. We need some new material in here.


----------



## Dleg (Apr 5, 2010)

Two Illinois tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they approached Oconomowoc they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. This went on until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist said to the girl behind the counter "Can you settle an argument for us? Would you pronounce where we are, very slowly?"

The girl leaned forward and said "Burrrr-gerrrr Kiiiing".


----------



## Master slacker (Apr 5, 2010)

Congress.


----------



## Ble_PE (Apr 6, 2010)

Master slacker said:


> Congress.


:appl:


----------



## Flyer_PE (Apr 9, 2010)

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns &amp; Ammo Magazine

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, &amp; I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.

Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and

messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell

from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter


----------



## Dleg (Apr 9, 2010)

Only works if your local crooks can read...


----------



## MA_PE (Apr 21, 2010)

WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

And Finally!

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?

Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something

that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.

=

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh,

and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.


----------



## Dleg (Apr 22, 2010)

A newlywed couple are involved in a tragic car accident on the second night of their honeymoon, and the bride ends up in a coma.

Her devoted husband visits her religiously every morning, noon, and night, but five years go by and nothing changes.

Then one day one of the nurses happens to notice a slight change in her vital signs while giving her her daily sponge bath - specifically while cleaning her private parts.

So the nurse brings this up to the doctor in charge of the coma ward, and the doctor says "I have an idea. Call her husband in"

So the husband comes in and is brought into the room with his wife, the doctor, and two nurses. The doctor begins: "I don't know how to explain this without it sounding strange, so I am just going to go ahead and say it: we think it may be possible to wake your wife by, uh, how do I put this delicately... um, oral sex."

The husband replied "Doc, you know I would do anything to bring my darling wife back. I'll do it!"

So the Doctor told him to take his time, and not to worry about anything because they could monitor his wife's vital signs from the central admissions desk. The nurses closed the blinds and locked the door behind them.

About fifteen minutes had gone by and nothing had happened! Just as the nurses were about to go check on the couple, the alarms started going off and the wife's vital signs flat lined! The nurses ran down to hall just in time for the panicked husband to open the door.

"What happened?" asked the Doctor, following the crash cart into the room.

"I don't know Doc, but I think I might have choked her!"


----------



## klk (Apr 22, 2010)

*Aging Gracefully*

$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet -- a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with him. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.


----------



## DVINNY (May 7, 2010)

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through

Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young

guide led them through the process of cheese making,

explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the

group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to

pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old

goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!


----------



## DVINNY (May 7, 2010)

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up

at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and

very sexy 25-year-old blond-haired woman who knocks

everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and

charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently

to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very

first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you

get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd

you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


----------



## DVINNY (May 7, 2010)

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have

killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is

awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese

food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be

disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm

caused by the germs in our drinking water. However,

there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and

we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell

me what food it is that causes the most grief and

suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the

front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'


----------



## DVINNY (May 7, 2010)

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to

find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the

balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him

instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of

murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her

own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92,

if he could screw, he could fly.'


----------



## DVINNY (May 7, 2010)

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their

little angel appeared to be in good health, they were

concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently

declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the

problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast,

there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle

of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your

father.'


----------



## DVINNY (May 7, 2010)

A man went to church one day and afterwards he stopped

to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll

tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you

didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that

sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'


----------



## DVINNY (May 7, 2010)

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her

daughter was having sex..

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely

impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very

wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably

result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her

daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk

to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a

date, the woman told her about the situation and handed

her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her

mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating

Susan!'


----------



## MA_PE (May 13, 2010)

&gt;A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a

&gt;coin. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The

&gt;father realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking,

&gt;shouting for help.

&gt;

&gt;A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business

&gt;suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of

&gt;coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup

&gt;down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up

&gt;from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

&gt;

&gt;Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the

&gt;boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and

&gt;then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and

&gt;coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

&gt;Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father

&gt;and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

&gt;

&gt;As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the

&gt;father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying , "I've

&gt;never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are

&gt;you a doctor?"

&gt;

&gt;"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".


----------



## cement (Jun 17, 2010)

14 Lesser Known Murphy's Laws

-------------------------

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go to Court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


----------



## Dleg (Jun 17, 2010)

^Excellent! I was going to quote one, then two, then three, and then pretty much all of them.


----------



## Supe (Jun 22, 2010)

Great College Football Traditions

College football is as much about pageantry and fan involvement as it is about the game. Onion Sports takes a look at some of college football's great traditions:

University of Kentucky: Fans show up at the stadium a little while before the game

UConn: Just moments prior to each contest, it is traditional for specially selected UConn players to participate in the fabled "coin toss"

Texas A&amp;M: In a tradition called "yell practice," the student populace is re-taught how to spell the word "defense" in an exhaustive two-hour pregame ritual

Iowa: Fans all wear black or yellow sweatpants

Opponents of Clemson: Each night before visiting teams face Clemson, they perform the traditional custom of urinating all over Howard Rock

Michigan State: Entire student body comes down onto the field after every game and runs in circles until they collapse from dizziness

Princeton: On the morning before every game, hordes of Tiger fans gather together to close their eyes tightly and imagine what it must have been like to win the first national championship

Stanford: Cardinal fans are too smart to believe they can affect the outcome of the game, so they do not do anything

Michigan: A new tradition this year, students, players, and fans will surely be pumped seeing former coach Bo Schembechler's skull mounted above the home team's sideline

Notre Dame: As they leave the locker room, players reverently touch a sign reading "Act Like A Smug Arrogant Bastard Despite Playing For A Drastically Overrated Team That Isn't Even Ranked In The Top 25 Today"


----------



## Trashman (Jun 22, 2010)

Supe said:


> Great College Football Traditions
> College football is as much about pageantry and fan involvement as it is about the game. Onion Sports takes a look at some of college football's great traditions:
> 
> University of Kentucky: Fans show up at the stadium a little while before the game
> ...


Ouch. Couldn't get in huh?


----------



## Supe (Jun 22, 2010)

We were left off the list, though the Onion did have a photo of Script Ohio at the bottom of the page.


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## goodal (Jun 24, 2010)

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you

done wrong?

Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer

to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


----------



## goodal (Jun 24, 2010)

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

Actual writings from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy...

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot

in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 -year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11.. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER , she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities


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## goodal (Jun 24, 2010)

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!!"


----------



## frazil (Jun 24, 2010)

lol! good stuff DV



> 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.


:Locolaugh:


----------



## DVINNY (Aug 11, 2010)

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different....... again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan"

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican"

The teacher asked him why he's' a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,

"THAT would make me an Obama fan."


----------



## soboman52 (Aug 11, 2010)

^^^^^^My new favorite joke!


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Aug 11, 2010)

A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, 'Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'

Can't we wait 2 more years to do this again DV?


----------



## DVINNY (Aug 12, 2010)

Yeah, but its so fun now since there is currently a village in Indonesia missing its idiot. (or Kenya, wherever)

(Texas got theirs back)


----------



## DVINNY (Aug 12, 2010)

A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation ........ no one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, .... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile "If the Preacher stays, ..... I will give hime sex!"

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90-year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I jusk asked my husband how we could help, and he said.... SCREW HIM!"


----------



## DVINNY (Aug 12, 2010)

A chicken and an egg are in bed.

The chicken has it's head on the pillow smoking.

The egg rolls over annoyed saying, "I guess we answered that question!"


----------



## Supe (Aug 12, 2010)

LOL!


----------



## Dleg (Aug 12, 2010)

^^Agreed!


----------



## Chucktown PE (Aug 19, 2010)

Beware: Home Depot Scam

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Don't be naive enough think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing each other and making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, &amp; 24th 29th. Also March 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 11th, 12th, three times last Saturday, probably tomorrow, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be very careful. P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each.


----------



## Flyer_PE (Aug 26, 2010)

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she

kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we

split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take

care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more

important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily

snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for

a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and

when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish

cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and

slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and

proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I

pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the

weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly

undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a

different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she

processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........


----------



## frazil (Aug 31, 2010)

> 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


:Locolaugh:


----------



## Dleg (Sep 8, 2010)

A man is stumbling through the bush totally drunk and then he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dips him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked with the answer, deeps him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is worried and so he dips the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs struggling for breath, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher:

"No, I have not found Jesus! Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


----------



## Dleg (Sep 9, 2010)

Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards:

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, in hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, but now I'm fulfilled... SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!

4. Through all the things that came to pass, our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, so right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!


----------



## DVINNY (Sep 9, 2010)

I've used #5 in a valentine before


----------



## FLBuff PE (Sep 9, 2010)

DVINNY said:


> I've used #5 in a valentine before


You've shared a picture of your dogs, so I know their house is big enough for you. Did they make room that night?


----------



## Sschell (Sep 28, 2010)

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Please!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.

Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.

'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster.

'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"BOB, wake up! You shit the bed!"


----------



## Dleg (Sep 28, 2010)

LOL!!!!!

and by "Bob" you mean "sschell?"


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 27, 2010)

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber

shop

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber,

not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a

conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in

his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him

saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been

in a whorehouse,'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?'

Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a

whorehouse smells like.'

ZING


----------



## Dark Knight (Oct 27, 2010)

DVINNY said:


> George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop
> 
> As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber,
> 
> ...


Zing?


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 28, 2010)

I added the ZING.

Thought it was a good one


----------



## goodal (Oct 28, 2010)

it was.


----------



## MA_PE (Oct 28, 2010)

X3


----------



## Master slacker (Oct 28, 2010)

DVINNY said:


> I added the ZING.
> Thought it was a good one





badal said:


> it was.


It still *IS*.


----------



## RJs (Oct 28, 2010)

:laugh: You guys made my day.


----------



## RJs (Oct 28, 2010)

Lets keep the Board politics free!!!! PLEASE NO POLITICAL MUD SPLASHING JOKES.


----------



## roadwreck (Oct 28, 2010)

RJs said:


> Lets keep the Board politics free!!!!


:huh:

you must not have noticed the Politics section

http://engineerboards.com/index.php?showforum=52


----------



## Dark Knight (Oct 28, 2010)

OK. Here is my take on this. Tried to keep my opinion to myself but guess I have the same right to express it like everybody else. Here is why I think it is not funny:

The way I understood the joke it implies like the First Lady is a whore since she knows how a whorehouse smells like. I believe that is the message behind it. Again, that is how I understood it.

My motives have nothing to do with politics. I am not Democrat not Republican. Not a Tea Party, whatever that is.

The former First Lady and the actual First Lady are so different. Mrs. Bush is such a classy lady. Mrs. Obama does not have that kind of easygoing personality but I would not go as far as implicating she is a whore. For me that is not correct.

You guys are OK in my book. Maybe is just a generational thing. I am an ldtimer: and you are young guns. Do not take this the wrong way. Cannot agree in everything. Can we?


----------



## MA_PE (Oct 28, 2010)

Dark Knight said:


> OK. Here is my take on this. Tried to keep my opinion to myself but guess I have the same right to express it like everybody else. Here is why I think it is not funny:
> The way I understood the joke it implies like the First Lady is a whore since she knows how a whorehouse smells like. I believe that is the message behind it. Again, that is how I understood it.
> 
> My motives have nothing to do with politics. I am not Democrat not Republican. Not a Tea Party, whatever that is.
> ...


DK. You're reading way too deep into it. It's essentially a "yo mama's so fat...." type jab at Obama. leave it at that.


----------



## Chucktown PE (Oct 28, 2010)

Raw nerves around election day I guess. I have heard the same joke floating around in some form or another with different politicians interchanged for years.


----------



## Dark Knight (Oct 28, 2010)

MA_PE said:


> DK. You're reading way too deep into it. It's essentially a "yo mama's so fat...." type jab at Obama. leave it at that.


OK. I missunderstood it then. My bad. When I am wrong, I am wrong. That is 99.999999999999% of the time.



Chucktown PE said:


> Raw nerves around election day I guess. I have heard the same joke floating around in some form or another with different politicians interchanged for years.


Nope. No raw nerves. I understood one thing and that was it. I never read that joke in that or any other form. Maybe has not been here long enough.


----------



## DVINNY (Oct 28, 2010)

Ahhhh, you old fogey.

Actually, the guy that sent that to me on email is 62. So you can't use that excuse DK 

I don't think the First Lady is a Whore, but the joke is funny none the less. The joke is implying that she KNOWS what one smells like, doesn't state that she worked in one.

as said above, kinda like a "yo momma so fat..."


----------



## snickerd3 (Oct 28, 2010)

Don't be so hard on yourself DK.


----------



## FLBuff PE (Oct 28, 2010)

DVINNY said:


> Ahhhh, you old fogey.
> 
> Actually, the guy that sent that to me on email is 62. So you can't use that excuse DK
> 
> ...


Even I chuckled at it.


----------



## Dark Knight (Oct 28, 2010)

FLBuff PE said:


> DVINNY said:
> 
> 
> > Ahhhh, you old fogey.
> ...


The "yo momma so fat..." is one thing. Can be funny. Since I got it the wrong way since the get go cannot say it is. This is not a biggy. I would have reacted the same way if the roles were inverted.

This is the jokes thread. Bring the next joke on...I will be sure to keep my mouth shut this time.


----------



## FLBuff PE (Oct 28, 2010)

Dark Knight said:


> FLBuff PE said:
> 
> 
> > DVINNY said:
> ...


I wasn't giving you a hard time, DK. Sorry if you took it that way.


----------



## Dark Knight (Oct 28, 2010)

FLBuff PE said:


> I wasn't giving you a hard time, DK. Sorry if you took it that way.


You are good. No need to say sorry. I got it this time.


----------



## Capt Worley PE (Oct 29, 2010)

I know LBJ told that joke, but I can't remember who the two politicians were. And, no, I'm not old enough to remember when it happened. i read it somewhere.


----------



## ALBin517 (Nov 4, 2010)

Elvis Presley asked Priscilla to marry him.

She said, “Elvis, you know I am thirteen years old.”

He replied, “That’s OK, baby. I’m not superstitious.”


----------



## Supe (Nov 12, 2010)

A midget with a slight lisp was at a man's ranch, looking to buy a horse.

Wanting to do a thorough inspection before making his purchase, the midget said to the man, "Can I pwease look at it's eyes?"

So the man picked up the midget, and held him right up to the horse's face. "Yes siw, those awe some mighty fine looking eyes, not bloodshot at all!"

Then he asked, "Can I see it's eaws?" So the man picked up the midget, and held him right up to the horse's ears. "Yep, evewything looks gweat in there!"

The midget looks at the man one more time and asks, "Say, do you think I can see it's tw*t?"

A bit befuddled, the man shrugged, picked up the midget, and stuck thrust his head right up into the horse's privates.

Moments later, he pulled the midget out, who was gasping for air.

After regaining his composure, the midget said to the man, "Pewhaps I misspoke, can I maybe just see it walk awound a little?"


----------



## roadwreck (Dec 27, 2010)

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and S--- for Brains.

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


----------



## Ronin (Dec 27, 2010)

roadwreck said:


> MONEY· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> 
> · A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


Pearls of Wisdom!


----------



## Dleg (Dec 27, 2010)

Or this one:



> THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


----------



## maryannette (Jan 20, 2011)

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."


----------



## Supe (Jan 20, 2011)

Good one, Mary!


----------



## maryannette (Jan 21, 2011)

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are in a house. A policeman walking by hears "Oh no, John, don't!" And then a shot. The policeman goes into the house and sees a dead woman and gun lying on the floor. He turns to the lawyer and says "You're under arrest." How does the policeman know?


----------



## Master slacker (Jan 21, 2011)

Oh COME ON! You can't leave me hangin' like that!


----------



## MA_PE (Jan 21, 2011)

mary :) said:


> A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are in a house. A policeman walking by hears "Oh no, John, don't!" And then a shot. The policeman goes into the house and sees a dead woman and gun lying on the floor. He turns to the lawyer and says "You're under arrest." How does the policeman know?


A: Everyone was female except the lawyer, so he must be John, thus the murderer.


----------



## Master slacker (Jan 21, 2011)

That's not really a joke. Disappointment ensues...


----------



## maryannette (Jan 21, 2011)

OK. Here's a joke.

A man goes to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor...

"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."


----------



## DVINNY (Jan 21, 2011)

^^^ Much better


----------



## Master slacker (Jan 21, 2011)

Approve. :thumbs:


----------



## Master slacker (Jan 31, 2011)

A mother was busy in the kitchen listening to her 6 year old son, Tommy playing in the other room with his new toy train set. She heard the train stop &amp; Tommy say "All you bastards who want off get the hell off now, cuzz we are in a hurry! And all of you bastards who want on get the hell on, get the hell on cuzz we are going down the tracks".

Mother walks in &amp; tells Tommy, 'We don't talk like that in this house', go to your room and stay ther for a couple hours &amp; think about what you done.

Couple hours later Tommy walks out &amp; asks to play with his train again. Mother says "Yes only if you use nice words". He agrees &amp; continues to play.

He stops the train &amp; says " Those who are leaving 'Thank You for traveling with us today'. Those who are boarding we hope you have a nice trip. And for all of those who are pissed about the the 2 hour delay see the 'Fat-Bitch' in the kitchen.


----------



## maryannette (Jan 31, 2011)

^ ROTFL! A good laugh. Thanks for sharing.


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 1, 2011)

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A pal of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache".

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche &amp; mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." She replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sicko.”

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.


----------



## Supe (Feb 1, 2011)

Ha!


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 1, 2011)

i have a funny one that would offend *almost* everyone, but I'll reserve that and make y'all wish I'd never mentioned it because I'm not going to post it.


----------



## DVINNY (Feb 1, 2011)

come on man... PM it to me, you can't leave me hangin like that.


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 1, 2011)

Ok, joke has been PM'd to DV. I'll let him, as the Admin, determine whether or not it is suitable for posting.


----------



## Supe (Feb 1, 2011)

If he says no, send 'er this way!


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 1, 2011)

What say ye, DV?

:thumbs: or :tribe: ???


----------



## DVINNY (Feb 1, 2011)

ohhhhh, it's wrong, so wrong.


----------



## FusionWhite (Feb 1, 2011)

POST IT DAMNIT!


----------



## Dexman PE (Feb 1, 2011)

DVINNY said:


> ohhhhh, it's wrong, so wrong.


Its at least worth a pm to a few of us though.


----------



## MA_PE (Feb 1, 2011)

add me to the mass mailing!


----------



## Ble_PE (Feb 1, 2011)

Me too!


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Feb 1, 2011)

Pick me!


----------



## BUTTHEAD (Feb 1, 2011)

uhhhh... hehehehehehehehehe

I PM'd him, and he responded with it. (Don't ban me) uhhhhhhh..... hehehehehehehehehehehehe



> How Moses got the 10 commandments
> God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will
> 
> make your lives better."
> ...


----------



## BEAVIS (Feb 1, 2011)

hehehehehehehehe....

FIRE FIRE FIRE


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 1, 2011)

DVINNY said:


> ohhhhh, it's wrong, so wrong.


Talk about a vague response!

Then again, I'm probably making this joke sound a whole lot better than it really is. Nevermind I said anything. 

*edit:* Damn! My information withholding was spoiled by Butthead.

*edit edit:* Ah ha! I now know who Butthead is... and it's not Colonel Mustard in the living room with the candlestick!


----------



## PEsoon2B (Feb 1, 2011)

BUTTHEAD said:


> uhhhh... hehehehehehehehehe
> I PM'd him, and he responded with it. (Don't ban me) uhhhhhhh..... hehehehehehehehehehehehe
> 
> 
> ...


I don't care who you are....... that's funny right there.


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 1, 2011)

After my "Jesus in toast" picture post, I figure I'd rather let the Admin determine whether it was kosher (pun) enough to post.


----------



## Dexman PE (Feb 1, 2011)

Master slacker said:


> DVINNY said:
> 
> 
> > ohhhhh, it's wrong, so wrong.
> ...


but what if DV actually PM'ed one of the half dozen of us wuo asked for it?


----------



## Supe (Feb 1, 2011)

Pfft, I've heard more offensive jokes than that from my 12 year old nephew.


----------



## snickerd3 (Feb 1, 2011)

i'm not jewish but I resemble that remark


----------



## DVINNY (Feb 1, 2011)

I didn't know "BUTTHEAD" was going to post the daggone thing


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 1, 2011)

Okay. I guess I now know my limits. 

______________________________

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think

with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,

'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 1, 2011)

One more before din-din.

___________________________

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says, "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on through the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and toking on the joint. he looks up and says, "Hey you!" The monkey looks down and says, "SHHHHHHHHHHIT dude............. how much water did you drink?!!"


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Feb 1, 2011)

snickerd3 said:


> i'm not jewish but I resemble that remark


I'm half Jewish....does that mean I get 5?


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 1, 2011)

No... take 5!

ba-dum-dum-crash!


----------



## maryannette (Feb 1, 2011)

I might have gotten offended in a different life, but not this one.


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 2, 2011)

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!

________________________

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal.

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?

They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.


----------



## DVINNY (Feb 2, 2011)

^^^^ GO MOM !!!!!!!!!! LOL


----------



## DVINNY (Feb 2, 2011)

Here's another that will offend several. (there is a 'suggestive material' warning on this thread, so don't come in to read if easily offended) 



> *WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS*
> _________________________________
> 
> THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
> ...


----------



## DVINNY (Feb 2, 2011)

> GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
> by Mike Tyson


this one might be illustrated by Ben Roethlesberger.


----------



## Dexman PE (Feb 2, 2011)

Another short book:

Guide to Fatty Money

By rppearso


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 2, 2011)

Dexman PE said:


> Another short book:
> Guide to Fatty Money
> 
> By rppearso


Ethics

By rppearso


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 2, 2011)

Today f'ing sucks, so let's inject something of a funny.

________________________________

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fcuk off.


----------



## Supe (Feb 2, 2011)

LOL!


----------



## jeb6294 (Feb 3, 2011)

Dexman PE said:


> Another short book:
> Guide to Fatty Money
> 
> By rppearso


Guide to Engineering Excellence

by He Who Shall Not Be Named


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Feb 3, 2011)

Coherent Late Night Message Board Posts

by He Who Shall Not Be Named


----------



## maryannette (Feb 4, 2011)

9-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. Joey said, "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge, and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"


----------



## maryannette (Feb 4, 2011)

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A SECRET REDNECK JEDI

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

If you ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 4, 2011)

Let's warm up first on this cold day...

_______________________________

Two blonds walk into a building.


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 4, 2011)

Now that we're warmed up...

__________________________

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

'So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his Dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?'

The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 7, 2011)

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Auburn family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address..

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom


----------



## MA_PE (Feb 7, 2011)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and now published by Court Reporters.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes . ;

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

____________________________ ______ _________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shi**ing me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

___________________________________ ______ ___

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


----------



## DVINNY (Feb 8, 2011)

I hope those are true, especially that last one


----------



## roadwreck (Feb 17, 2011)

Sexually suggestive lines from the three (real) Star Wars movies

Star Wars

10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"

9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."

6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"

5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

4. "Sorry about the mess..."

3. "Look at the size of that thing!"

2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"

1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

The Empire Strikes Back

10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."

7. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."

6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."

5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."

4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up

like that, huh kid?"

3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."

2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"

1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"

Return of the Jedi

10. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."

9. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call

me master."

8. "I never knew I had it in me."

7. "There is good in him, I've felt it."

6. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping-hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost

got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."

5. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me-now I owe you one."

4. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"

3. "She's gonna blow!"

2. "I think you'll fit in nicely."

1. "Rise, my friend."

And, of course, one they missed:

"Pull out, Wedge! You're not doing any good back there!"


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 18, 2011)

Happy Friday!

_________________

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch".

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have." says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes." says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Feb 18, 2011)

Thanks RW, I love that one and haven't seen it since HS.


----------



## Master slacker (Feb 23, 2011)

An lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn't so lucky and the female bear caught him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

(wait for it)

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

(wait for it)

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"


----------



## MA_PE (Apr 22, 2011)

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,

Unicorns

Dear Twilight Fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely,

Logic

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,

The Titanic

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just

saying...

Sincerely,

Google

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely,

1985

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely,

That Little Triangle

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely,

BP

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely,

God

Dear Michael Jackson,

You really should have become a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but the benefits....

Sincerely,

The Pope

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,

Please lknvfdmv.xvn.

Sincerely,

Stevie Wonder

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely,

Black people

Dear Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.

Sincerely,

Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Global Warming,

You're the best imaginary friend ever!

Sincerely, &gt; Al Gore

Dear Haiti ,

Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?

Sincerely,

Seriously Going To Hell

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?

Sincerely,

Leonardo Di Caprio

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish douche bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely,

The Mayans

Dear White People,

Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely,

Native Americans

Dear Twihards,

If he sparkles, he's probably one of ours.

Sincerely,

Gay Men Of America

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.

Sincerely,

Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,

Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?

Sincerely,

Terrified

Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up...

Sincerely,

The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely,

Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,

Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.

Sincerely,

Dr. Pepper


----------



## Ble_PE (Jun 15, 2011)

Not sure if it's been posted but:

Different ways of looking at things

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked:

'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied.

'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr.Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said,

'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said.

'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,

took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband.

'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a

curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words

that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation,

'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll

take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know.

But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse

appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor

used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display

of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since

I had even considered buying a bathing suit,

so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked.

'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied.

'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was

massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,

accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

'Well, she's there.'


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## Ble_PE (Jun 29, 2011)

Mrs. Ble got a kick out of these:

10 Things to Never Say to a Stay at Home Mom

1. When the kids are older, do you think you'll get a real job?

2. How June Cleaver of you!

3. Oh, so you don't work?

4. Since you have extra time on your hands, could you whip up a few dozen brownies for the bake sale tomorrow?

5. All day with your kids? I can't even imagine.

6. I'm jealous. I wish my husband were rich so I wouldn't have to work either.

7. What do you do all day, anyway?

8. I'm sure you're not the only one who's ever wasted money on a college degree.

9. That explains why your son is so clingy!

10. Weird. I assumed your house would be superclean.


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## DVINNY (Jun 30, 2011)

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Hey bartender, I bet you $50 I could lick my eyeball” So the bartender says, “You’re on.”

The guy removes his glass eye, licks it, and pops it back in. The bartender laughs and willingly gives the guy his cash. The next day, the guy walks in again with another bet.

“Bartender, I bet you $100 I could bite my elbow.” The bartender agrees. So the guys pulls out his dentures, bites his elbow, and pops them back in. The bartender laughs and grudgingly forks over the $100.

The next day the same guy walks in and says “Bartender, I bet you $500 I could place a shot glass at the end of the bar and piss in it from here without spilling a drop.” So the bartender thinks this is a no lose situation.

He agrees. So the guy stands on the bar, pulls down his drawers and proceeds to piss all over the place. He pees all over the bartender, the customers, in peoples drinks… everywhere. The bartender is rolling on the floor with laughter. “You owe me $500!”

“That’s ok,” says the guy, “I just bet those two guys at the end of the bar I could piss on you and still make you laugh!”


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## jeb6294 (Jul 12, 2011)

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments. David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment then asks, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The postman laughed and said,' Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.

'Your name came up 7 times.'


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## jeb6294 (Jul 12, 2011)

An Alberta cowboy walked into a drug store in Vancouver and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a, uh, permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”

The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

-1/3 ownership in the store

-A company pickup truck

-Two home cooked dinners a week

-And $3,000 a month in living expenses."


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## jeb6294 (Jul 12, 2011)

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and told me that she was pregnant.

I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more'

I asked, What do you mean there's more..

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.. She said...

I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!


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## jeb6294 (Jul 12, 2011)

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and

found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball

back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the

patch.

All of a sudden ... POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old

woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make

those buttercups?! Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter

for your popcorn for the rest of your life... Better still, you won't

have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of

fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

Then POOF! .... She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred,

where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussywillows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T

SWING!!!'


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## jeb6294 (Jul 12, 2011)

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front

door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is

married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff

says,

"I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an

excellent cook."


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## maryannette (Jul 12, 2011)

ha ha ha


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## MA_PE (Sep 23, 2011)

A woman goes into a Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind. But if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."


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## MA_PE (Sep 23, 2011)

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.


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## jeb6294 (Oct 19, 2011)

A man walks into the store and is greeted by the lady behind the counter.

She asks, "Sir, Can I help you find something?"

The man replies, "My wife asked me to get her some tampons"

The lady shows the man the feminine products isle and goes back to her register.

A few minutes later, the man comes up with a bag of cotton balls and some yarn.

Puzzled, the lady says, "Sir, I thought your wife wanted tampons?"

He replies, "Well, yesterday I asked my wife to pick me up a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a pouch of tobacco and some papers because they were soooooooo much cheaper. If I have to roll my own, so does she!"


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## roadwreck (Dec 1, 2011)

*A Cow based Economics Lesson:*

*SOCIALISM*

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbor.

*COMMUNISM*

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

*FASCISM*

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

*NAZISM*

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

*BUREAUCRATISM*

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

*TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM*

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

*ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM*

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

*SURREALISM*

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

*AN AMERICAN CORPORATION*

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

*A FRENCH CORPORATION*

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you

want three cows.

*A JAPANESE CORPORATION*

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

*AN ITALIAN CORPORATION*

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

*A SWISS CORPORATION*

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

*A CHINESE CORPORATION*

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

*AN INDIAN CORPORATION*

You have two cows.

You worship them.

*A BRITISH CORPORATION*

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

*AN IRAQI CORPORATION*

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

*AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION*

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

*A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION*

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.


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## Master slacker (Dec 12, 2011)

This is a word to the wise for all my forum friends. I would like to share an experience with you, it has to do with drinking and driving.

As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years. The other night I was out for dinner with a few friends. After consuming way too many cocktails and knowing full well that I was wasted I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, MS took the bus home.

Yes, a bus. I arrived home safely without incident. This was really a surprise to me since I have never driven a bus before.


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## Master slacker (Dec 12, 2011)

*I title this poem *_*That High*_

I turned down my tv because i couldn't taste my mac n cheese.

That high.

I got depressed because i realized snakes are just tails with faces.

That high.

My parents asked why my eyes were so red, I told them because I have lazer vision.

That high.

Four of my friends and me were smoking. Went to fast food drive thru. Didn't feel like figuring out how to split the bill between us so we just went thru it 5 times. On the third time the cashier asked us how high we were.

That high.

When we were pulling into the driveway, I saw that my mom's car wasn't there. I yelled HELL YEA MOMs NOT HOME!... she was driving me.

That high.

Was watching a movie with about 5 other people. About half an hour in, someone pointed out that it was on mute. None of us had noticed.

That high.

Looked at the clock it said "10:00", 20 minutes later, looked at it again and it said, "10:03".

That high.

My boss asked me why my eyes were red, i said I have allergies, he asked what i was allergic to, i said weed.

That high.


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## Master slacker (Dec 12, 2011)

&lt;WARNING&gt; Tasteless, classless joke ahead &lt;WARNING&gt;

What do you call an older woman who goes after younger men? A cougar?

What do you call an older man who goes after younger men? A NITTANY LION.


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## DVINNY (Dec 13, 2011)

^ OUCH.

 of course, I've been told all the good ones.


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## Master slacker (Dec 13, 2011)

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."


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## Master slacker (Dec 13, 2011)

Fine fine fine. deleted


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## Dark Knight (Dec 13, 2011)

^^^You did not have to, but you did. My sense of humor is not something to call home about anyways. lusone: for you.


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## roadwreck (Dec 13, 2011)

Maybe this belongs in the funny pic thread, but it seemed to fit here today


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## DVINNY (Dec 13, 2011)

Master Slacker,

Jerry Sandusky would have thought it was funny. 

But it was just a joke. Not something that Mike McQueary would have to run home and tell dad about.

..... of course, the only thing that really ever offends me, is people that are easily offended.


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## Master slacker (Dec 13, 2011)

I'll get some more raunchy ones up soon enough.


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## Dexman PE PMP (Dec 13, 2011)

Damn, I missed it...


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## Master slacker (Dec 13, 2011)

Does anyone have a limit of crudeness request? Are "adult relations" fair game? What about the ones that are illegal in 27 states?


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## Dexman PE PMP (Dec 13, 2011)

It takes quite a bit to offend me, to the point that I don't think I've ever been offended by a joke yet...


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## Dark Knight (Dec 13, 2011)

I was not offended. Let me say that for the record. But did not find it funny. Maybe I am just showing my age or that I have a personal code about kid's jokes. Again, just showing my age. MS was not obligated to delete it but he did. That gesture is appreciated.


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## Master slacker (Dec 14, 2011)

Dexman PE said:


> It takes quite a bit to offend me, to the point that I don't think I've ever been offended by a joke yet...


Here's one that will. Scroll down...

*&lt;WARNING&gt; OFFENSIVE JOKE AHEAD &lt;WARNING&gt;*

Dexman's face.


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## jeb6294 (Dec 14, 2011)

I have sex with women and then I get paid for my services.....but being a mortician isn't always fun and games.


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## pbrme (Dec 14, 2011)

Dexman PE said:


> Damn, I missed it...


Me too.

For the record, I am not offended by anything... all over your face


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## Master slacker (Dec 16, 2011)

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to thank my wife and remind her the word is 'sternum'."


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## Master slacker (Dec 16, 2011)

Two old ladies outside a nursing home smoking when it starts to rain. One lady pulls out a condom, cuts the end &amp; put it over her Cig, continued smoking.

Her friend asks, "What's that?"

"A condom so my Cig doesn't get wet."

"Where u get it?"she asked her friend.

"You get them at a drug store."

The next day the old lady goes to a drug store, asks the pharmacist for condoms, who is surprised. He looks at her strangely, as she is well over 80 years old, but asks her "What brand?"

"Doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel"she said.

The pharmacist fainted...


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## Master slacker (Dec 16, 2011)

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance:

1. a woman

2. a donkey

3. a shovel

4. a fish

5. a Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find, and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol sppears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiasticlly, and the president smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, while you've been 'reading' and 'interpreting' these inscriptions from left to right, everyone knows that the Hebrews would have written from right to left.

"Now, look again: It says, 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!'"


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## Master slacker (Dec 16, 2011)

*&lt;WARNING&gt; *To those easily offended, please bypass this post. K thx bi *&lt;WARNING&gt;*

*&lt;2nd thought WARNING&gt; *Funny, yet questionable, ethnic jokes removed to keep the peace. *&lt;2nd thought WARNING&gt; *

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas &amp; a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?


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## roadwreck (Dec 22, 2011)




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## SKYBALL (Jan 4, 2012)

DVINNY said:


> FBI job opening
> 
> The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
> 
> ...


Haha! Great one.


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## Master slacker (Jan 22, 2012)

TTT with some nerd humor.

Why did Euler get famous for looking in his toilet?

He found a natural log.

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...

Three students, a biologist, a physicist and a mathematician have been asked to perform a survey by the students' union to see how many people use the bar. Over the course of the day, they see thirty-six people go in and thirty-seven people come out. The biologist says "they must have reproduced", the physicist says "one of our measurements was wrong" and the mathematician says "if one more person goes in, the bar will be empty".

An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says: "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar." The disease responds: "Well, you're not a very good host."

A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says: "We don't serve neutrino's here." The neutrino replies: "Hey, I'm just passing through."

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.


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## Master slacker (Jan 22, 2012)

So an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are all attending a science conference overnight. To save money, they all choose to rent rooms at the cheapest hotel possible.

In the middle of the night, the engineer wakes up and his bed is on fire! He runs to the shower, fills up a bucket and drenches the fire. He returns to his soggy, uncomfortable bed and barely sleeps a wink.

Later that night,the physicist wakes up and his bed is also on fire! He runs to his desk, does some quick calculations, runs to the shower, fills up a bucket about 2/3 full, and pours it on the fire. The last drop of water extinguishes the fire perfectly. He returns to his warm toasty bed and sleeps comfortably for the whole night.

Meanwhile, the mathematician wakes up and his bed is also on fire (it is a very cheap hotel). He runs to his desk, pulls out a pad of paper, does some calculations, says "A solution exists!", then returns to bed...


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## Master slacker (Jan 22, 2012)

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are left in a cell each with nothing but a can of spam. After a while they are being checked on. The engineer scraps a piece of stone from the wall and uses it to smash open the can. The physicist makes a few calculations, then suddenly throws the can through the room, the can opening as it bounces back and forth. The mathematician makes a few calculations, stops, makes some more calculations, then stops again and mumbles: 'assuming the can was open...'.


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## Master slacker (Jan 22, 2012)

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? =

1bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? =

Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards? = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen..

20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels? = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University

Hospital? = 1 IV League


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## Master slacker (Jan 22, 2012)

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity -

Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers -

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi -

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law -

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath -

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result -

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Bio mechanics -

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Arena -

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law -

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers -

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces -

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument -

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance -

If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking -

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law -

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.


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## Master slacker (Jan 22, 2012)

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have several of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer.


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## Master slacker (Jan 22, 2012)

Q: What is hard water?

(wait for it)

(wait for it)

(ready?)

A: Ice


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## DVINNY (Jan 26, 2012)

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the

woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told

her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While

Doing so he asked her,

'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or

Dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.

'Do you know what I am doing now?'

he asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast

cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his

Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,

'Do you know what I am doing now?'

'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis: which is why I came

here in the first place.'


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## Flyer_PE (Jan 30, 2012)

Life as a child growing up in Texas ....

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little bad ass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough critter.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether).

A light bulb went off in my head.

I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner.Lets face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.

So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder.

My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb.pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?

You know what? I'm going back in the house for the other can, so I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck...OH SHOOT! He just got home from work.

So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes.

I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot. When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE COTTON PICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweet gum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That sucker got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport, having what I can only assume is, a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard.

There is a Honda 185 3-wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head.

I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on.

I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea.

I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again.

Mom had been fussing about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

--Author Unknown


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## DVINNY (Feb 2, 2012)

^^^ 

good read


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## Master slacker (Feb 2, 2012)

*Redcoats*

During the recent royal wedding, the millions in the US and around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."

Many people have asked, "why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers


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## Master slacker (Feb 2, 2012)

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?"

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."


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## Master slacker (Feb 2, 2012)

Once again this year, I've had requests for my Tequila Mardi Gras Cake recipe so here goes: Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

1 cup sugar

1 tsp. baking powder

1 cup water

1 tsp. salt

1 cup brown sugar

Lemon juice

4 large eggs

Nuts

1 bottle tequila

2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality.

Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK.

Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.

Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon ice strain your nuts.

Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.

Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 s and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

Happy Gardi Mras


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## roadwreck (Feb 2, 2012)

Master slacker said:


> *Redcoats*
> 
> During the recent royal wedding, the millions in the US and around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."
> 
> ...


:appl:


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## Master slacker (Feb 21, 2012)

Little Larry and Gina are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Larry goes to Gina's father to ask him for her hand.

Larry bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Gina are in love... and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,

Mr. Smith replies, "Well Larry, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Larry replies,

"In Gina's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Gina."

Again,Larry instantly replies, "Our allowance, Gina makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Larry has put so much thought into this.

"Well Larry, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Larry just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable…


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## Undertaker (Feb 23, 2012)

^^^ Hell yeah! F'ing awesome.


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## Flyer_PE (Mar 10, 2012)

Blonde goes flying

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"


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## MA_PE (Mar 16, 2012)

White House fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And . . . that . . . is how our Government works


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## envirotex (Mar 16, 2012)

^^^That is not funny.


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## snickerd3 (Mar 16, 2012)

yes it is...because it is true


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## engineergurl (Mar 16, 2012)

unfortunately for me, I am about the same as the guy from Tennessee


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## Master slacker (Mar 16, 2012)

engineergurl said:


> unfortunately for me, I am about the same as the guy from Tennessee


"About the same", but not quite. You're an *alabama *fan, after all.


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## engineergurl (Mar 16, 2012)

hey come on... it's not like I would pull for a team wearing yellow and purple...


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## Flyer_PE (Mar 16, 2012)

Old Butch

Eric was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Eric's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Eric's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Eric was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully, the bells are not always audible.


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## Master slacker (Mar 29, 2012)

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to the religion of peace and we're stoning her in the morning!




The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did; she's 21 and her name's Lucy.




Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 25 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.




Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though; it provides me with everything I need: Kit-Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Potato chips, the lot."




Question - Are there too many immigrants in the US ? 17% said yes; 11% said no; 72% said: "I am not understanding the question please".




A man calls 911 and says: "I think my wife is dead." The operator says: "How do you know?" He says: "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"




A wife says to her husband: "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." And he says: "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"




I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said: "You obviously haven't been listening."




My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.




There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in the shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.




The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said: "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway."


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## DVINNY (Mar 29, 2012)

IDIOT SIGHTING

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Murfreesboro, TN

IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window in Lebanon, TN and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office To request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!

I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Garrett, IN

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

-- From Dallas, TX

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Memphis, TN

IDIOT SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'

Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself And for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Memphis Shelby County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING

How would you pronounce this child's name?

"Le-a"

Leah?? NO

Lee - A?? NOPE

Lay - a?? NO

Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Horn Lake, MS

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha".

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us......and they reproduce


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## Exception Collection (Apr 12, 2012)

This has probably been posted before, but I'm not going to go back and search.

This answer to a college chemistry exam was sent to me recently and restores my faith in the new generation of college students. The answer was purportedly in response to the bonus question on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?”

Here is the student’s answer:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. …leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
The student reportedly received a well-deserved A+


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## Flyer_PE (Apr 12, 2012)

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while

we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting

to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she

thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall

grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the

grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the

boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the

garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different

anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to

verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for

me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Apr 17, 2012)

ADOPT A TERRORIST - BRILLIANT 

A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence. She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters

M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. 

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint!

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in

hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman

form of property thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern.

We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defense


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## DVINNY (Apr 18, 2012)

^^^ I love it.

But would love it even more, if they would actually do it, and make one of those reality shows out of it. THAT, I would tune into to watch.


----------



## Master slacker (May 10, 2012)

Heard this one yesterday... Awesome. Being in maintenance, it's going to take everything in me to not say the punchline when pumps throw up.

***********

A penguin's car breaks down so he takes it to the mechanic. While waiting for his car to be fixed, he walks across the street to the local Dairy Queen for a cool treat.

He walks back to the mechanic to ask what's wrong with the car and the mechanic looks at him and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

In response, the penguin points to his mouth and says, "No. It's ice cream."


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## MA_PE (May 10, 2012)

^ that's as old as dirt, but still funny.


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## pbrme (May 10, 2012)

What did the Leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.


----------



## frazil (May 10, 2012)

^ ugh. :x


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## Flyer_PE (May 15, 2012)

Ole &amp; Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Lena valked across, got da smokes at da yeneral store, den valked back home across da lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn't sure how tick da ice vas yet.”


----------



## engineergurl (Jun 27, 2012)

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but

how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the

very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on

her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning

question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to

her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was

young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under

your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best

of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very

slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,

'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you

tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'


----------



## blybrook PE (Jun 29, 2012)

&gt; Being Green

&gt;

&gt; Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

&gt;

&gt; The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

&gt;

&gt; The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

&gt;

&gt; She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

&gt;

&gt; Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

&gt;

&gt; But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

&gt;

&gt; Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

&gt;

&gt; But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.

&gt;

&gt; We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

&gt;

&gt; But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

&gt;

&gt; Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

&gt;

&gt; But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

&gt;

&gt; Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

&gt;

&gt; But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

&gt;

&gt; We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

&gt;

&gt; But we didn't have the green thing back then.

&gt;

&gt; Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

&gt;

&gt; But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

&gt;

&gt; Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person...

&gt;

&gt; We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

&gt;

&gt;

&gt; ********** This message printed on recyclable media*********** (Think about it!)


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## YMZ PE (Jun 29, 2012)

^ Bly, this sort of tirade is why people think you're ld-025:


----------



## RIP - VTEnviro (Jun 29, 2012)

Right on Blybrook. I hate the greenwashing that is going on these days. Don't give me these stupid symbolic gestures like Earth Hour, just turn off the fucking light when you leave the room.


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## engineergurl (Jun 30, 2012)

ha ha, you guys are funny...


----------



## roadwreck (Jul 3, 2012)

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing

every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On

and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,

feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs

she had endured.

Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking

the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as

her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and

quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the

husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a

week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on

Fridays, I play golf."


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## roadwreck (Jul 3, 2012)

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf; I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker.."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."


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## goodal (Jul 12, 2012)

*Yoga mat for sale. Used once. *

Date: 2011-09-13, 10:32PM PDT

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a

Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a

Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a

I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a

The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a

Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00p

Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my Under Armor from my nether regions. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02p

Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will fall in love very shortly.

12:10p

It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)

12:26p

It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33p

It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40p

The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44p

I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p

It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55p

This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p

140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, dear future wife, I need my space here so don't get all upitty with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p

150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.

I lose consciousness.

1:15p

I have a headache and my wife is being a overly selfish with her water bottle. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p

I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20p

It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

1:30p

Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p

My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37p

The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. My clothing instantly freezes to my sweat covered body from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47p

Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p

Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.

4:29p

Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.


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## Master slacker (Aug 2, 2012)

bump


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## Master slacker (Aug 2, 2012)

to the top


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## Master slacker (Aug 2, 2012)

for a fresh page


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## Master slacker (Aug 2, 2012)

A man was walking along the beach one day, when he saw a young woman, with no arms or legs, crying. he walked up to her, and asked what the problem was. Sobbing, she said, im 22 years old, and ive never been hugged by a man. the man felt sorry for her, and gently knelted down and hugged her.

Turning to leave, the woman started crying again. the man asked again, what was the problem. Sobbing, the woman said, im 22 and ive never been kissed by a man. Still feeling sorry for the woman, he gently knelted down, and kissed the woman.

The man, turning again to leave, heard the woman crying even harder. Turning around, he asked her again, what the problem was. she said, im 22 and ive never been fu*ked by a man. The man bent down, picked the woman up, and threw her in the water.


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## Master slacker (Aug 2, 2012)

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.


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## engineergurl (Aug 16, 2012)

Can't remember if I've posted this before... but you know it is always best to be able to laugh at yourself...

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....

At this point, God created Hell.


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## Supe (Aug 22, 2012)

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted


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## pbrme (Aug 27, 2012)

*A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. *

*'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' *

*'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' *

*'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'*

*'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' *

*'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' *

*'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. *

*And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' *

*'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' *

*'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' *

*'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. *

*'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' *

*'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. *

*'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' *

*Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...*

*'You missed the f---ing putt, didn't you?'*


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## pbrme (Aug 28, 2012)

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center

Claude, the hypnotist, explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly

Chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly,

The chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.


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## snickerd3 (Aug 28, 2012)

^ that's nasty!!!!!!!


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## Dark Knight (Aug 28, 2012)

snickerd3 said:


> ^ that's nasty!!!!!!!


But funny as heck!!!! :Locolaugh:


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## goodal (Aug 28, 2012)

A DEA officer stopped at our farm the other day. “I need to inspect your farm for illegal drug cultivation.”

I said “Okay, no problem. You can go anywhere except that field over there.”

The DEA officer instantly verbally exploded, “Buddy, I have the authority of the Federal Government on my side.” He reached into his pocket and shoved his badge in my face. “See this badge? This means I am allowed to go wherever I so desire!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?”

I nodded, apologized and proceeded to go about my chores. A short while later, I heard screaming coming from the very field I asked him not to go into. I turned and saw the officer being chased by our very temperamental bull. With every step the bull gained ground on the terrified officer. It seemed he was sure to be gored to death. He was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled “YOUR BADGE, SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!!!”


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## Master slacker (Sep 5, 2012)

A vampire bat covered in blood returns to a cave. The other bats hound him until he agrees to show them where he got it. After leading the pack for a mile, the first bat suddenly slows down and says, "See that oak tree over there?" "YES, YES!" screams the bats. "Thats good," says the lead one, "because i f**king didnt."


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## Guest (Sep 6, 2012)

Following the senior citizens thread ....

Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY - BOTH OF US?"


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## Capt Worley PE (Sep 7, 2012)

The TX Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. 

FARMER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. 

GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one. 

FARMER: That would be me.


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## blybrook PE (Sep 7, 2012)

A man tells his wife that him and his buddies are going on a 3-day fishing trip at a lake a few states over. She says "That's sounds like a great time, I'll pack your clothes and some food!"

The man gathers up his rods, tackle box, boat, suitcase, and lunch box and heads out to meet his buddies for the big trip.

The man returns home three days later. His wife asks how his trip was and if they caught a lot of fish. The man tells his wife the trip was great but there was one problem...She didn't pack him any underwear. He said 'I went all three days in the same underwear because you forgot to pack them in my suitcase!" The wife insists the packed the underwear but the man argues still. Finally the man says "I don't care what you say, there was no underwear in my suitcase and because of you I had to wear the same dirty ones all weekend".

The wife replies "Honey, I packed your underwear in your tackle box."

busted


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## blybrook PE (Sep 19, 2012)

_*Dear Family &amp; Friends, *_

*Most of you know that Lucile went in for a surgical Butt Lift procedure at the new, GOOBERMINT approved, Wal-mart Medical Center. She didn't have the most pleasant experience. She should've left well enough alone. We wanted to show you how it turned out. We hope this keeps YOU from having this procedure done. *

*Please, PLEASE, **PLEASE** . . Don't get a Butt Lift at the Wal-mart Medical Center. You will most certainly regret it ! ! ! *


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## blybrook PE (Sep 19, 2012)

It's a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-Op.

The guy at the Co-Op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her “services” on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee.

And that, my friends, is how a "stimulus package" works!


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## blybrook PE (Sep 19, 2012)

A big city corporate lawyer ran a stop sign in a small town in Texas, and is pulled over by a sheriff 's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than this hick town deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says , "What for?"

Deputy says , "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says , "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says , "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says , "What's the difference?"

Deputy says , "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says , "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says , "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just slow down?"


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## blybrook PE (Sep 28, 2012)

*THE TOILET SEAT*

*Bob's wife, Julie, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. *





*Finally, he got around to doing it while Julie was out. *





*After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. *





*She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. *





*As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. *





*About that time, he got home and realized her predicament. *





*They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation,he undid the toilet seat bolts. *





*Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and he drove her to the hospital emergency room. *





*The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this). *





*Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." *





*The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."*


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## Master slacker (Oct 5, 2012)

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

" What's for dinner, Zorro?"


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## Master slacker (Oct 5, 2012)

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' '

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.

It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,

'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'


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## Master slacker (Oct 5, 2012)

At some point in a guy's life... it comes down to this.

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him

he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus to letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am. You guys want a beer?"


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## Master slacker (Oct 5, 2012)

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.

He finished the box and threw it out the window.

Seeing this, she had enough, and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid, Infidel, worthless Catholic bitch."

She laughed and said, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel-headed camel-fcuker!!!"


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## Master slacker (Oct 5, 2012)

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.


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## DVINNY (Oct 8, 2012)

*The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke with the toothache an anaesthetic injection..*

*“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.*

*So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again. *

*“I can't do the gas thing either. The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”*

*She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.*

*“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”*

*When she returns she says, “Here's a Viagra and a glass of water.”*

*The guy says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”*

*“It doesn't” she said, "But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."*


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## pbrme (Oct 22, 2012)

*At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.*



*Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."*



*Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all gimme a Bud."*

*Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke."*

*Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."*

*The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"*

*Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".*


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## blybrook PE (Nov 2, 2012)

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.

So he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor! I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD." "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS." "Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing...


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## blybrook PE (Nov 6, 2012)

May be a repeat, but valid enough with today being election day and all:

While walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in **** and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy. He has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. Now it's time to visit Heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in **** and another in Heaven. Now, choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers. "Well, I would never have said it before. I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in ****." So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to ****. The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags, as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday, I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now, it's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened"? The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted."


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## blybrook PE (Nov 12, 2012)

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

C E L E B R A T E !!! "


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## blybrook PE (Nov 26, 2012)

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer!" the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. "I'll take care of this!"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.

"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!"


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## blybrook PE (Nov 26, 2012)

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. 

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to 

their old neighborhood after they retired. 

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. 

It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd 

shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally." 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, 

practically landing at their feet. 

Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took 

it home. 

There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars. 

Andy said, "We've got to give it back." 

Sally said, "Finders keepers." 

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for 

the money, and knocked on the door. 

Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an 

armored car yesterday?" 

Sally said, "No." 

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." 

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." 

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. 

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning" 

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school 

yesterday . . " 

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."


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## Lumber Jim (Dec 8, 2012)

For some time, many of us have wondered - just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!” Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an informed way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children; they are: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulia Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition, named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brother in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them by telling them, not only do you know Jack Schitt, you know the whole family!

Don't know if this is a repeat but if it is, it's worth repeating!!


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## YMZ PE (Dec 9, 2012)

^ Don't forget the prodigal daughter who was blacklisted after marrying the owner of competitor company Liszt Fertilizer, Anya Schitt-Liszt.

(Sorry, I can never pass up the opportunity to think up a good pun  )


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## roadwreck (Dec 11, 2012)

A couple were Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."


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## roadwreck (Dec 11, 2012)

At this time of the year, when road blocks come up with great regularity, I’d like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of drinks and some nice white wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I’ve never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.


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## Flyer_PE (Dec 12, 2012)

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the

reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I

would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for

Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

* *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all

fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all

the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to

get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you

something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,

set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear

to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this

joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at

my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit

trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,

need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is

it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,

well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have

been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will

be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I

alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social

skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the

bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was

attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends

into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys

and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game

console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on

one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees

you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,

genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your 

•••• wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people

that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza

roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you

asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in

your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

** 

Timmy,

That's what I thought you little bastard.

Santa


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## MA_PE (Jan 3, 2013)

A lawyer story. 

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

 The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over ten million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

 The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

 Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."

 "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

 The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

 "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

 The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

 And the lawyer says, "So. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what the f**k makes you think I'd give any to you?"


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## Master slacker (Jan 3, 2013)

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You **** her again."


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## Master slacker (Feb 5, 2013)

This one's a bit late, but soooooooooo worth it. 

Q: How do you make Notre Dame-style eggs?

A: Put them in a bigger bowl than they should be in and beat them for three hours.


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## Flyer_PE (Feb 23, 2013)

*Homesick Snowbird? *

*A friend in FL writes: *

*I was in Ft. Myers the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a **parked car that read, "I miss Chicago." *

*So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"*


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## Flyer_PE (Feb 25, 2013)

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday “I need to inspect your farm for growing illegal drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs

“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”


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## Master slacker (Mar 6, 2013)

The Pope has fallen ill and the cardinals do what they can to help. They get the best doctors in Vatican City but nothing helps. Eventually one of the cardinals says: “There is only one doctor left that we haven’t tried, he is the best in all Italy.”

So the cardinals order him to summon the doctor to examine the Pope. The doctor comes to the council of cardinals and says: “I have good news and bad news, the Holy Father has cancer of the testicles, but the good news is he can be cured, all he needs to do is take this drug and have sex with a woman.”

The cardinals recoil in shock. Obviously this treatment is impossible because he is the Holy Father and therefore must remain celibate. Unfortunately, there is no other way, so one of the cardinals approaches the Pope and explains the situation. “Holy Father, you have a terrible cancer and will die unless you have sex with a woman.”

The Pope ponders this for a moment, then declares, “Ok, I’ll do it, but on three conditions.”
“Okay,” says the cardinal. “What are the conditions?”

“One, the woman must be blind, so she will never know who she made love with.”
“Okay, your Holiness, what next?”

“Two, the woman must be dumb, so if she ever realizes who she made love to, she will not be able to tell.”
“Certainly, your Holiness. And the third condition?”

"She has to have big tits.”


----------



## pbrme (Mar 6, 2013)

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.


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## blybrook PE (Mar 18, 2013)

Overheard a few minutes ago in the Architecture Department:

"Hey, did you know you can play chicken with the cars on google maps?"


----------



## cement (Apr 10, 2013)

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To escape North Korea's long-range missiles.


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## Master slacker (Apr 23, 2013)

At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Mr. Wilson? This is John, the caretaker at your country house."

........ "Ah yes, John. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Mr. Wilson, that your parrot, he is dead".

........ "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?

"Yes sir, that's the one."

........"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Mr. Wilson."

........ "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, sir. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

........ "Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mr. Wilson."

........ "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Mr. Wilson, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

........ "Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, sir."

........ "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, sir! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

........ "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Mr. Wilson."

........ "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Mr. Wilson."

........ "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"


"Your wife's, Mr. Wilson. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."



SILENCE...........LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE....

........ "John, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****.”


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## Master slacker (May 20, 2013)

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."


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## Master slacker (May 20, 2013)

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'


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## blybrook PE (May 20, 2013)

What not to name your dog.

Everybody has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Shep.” I call mine “Sex.” He’s a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like on, too!” Then I said, “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the model clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.

He said, “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny – I have the same problem.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.”

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “The courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.” Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, “Me, too.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday!


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## Master slacker (May 23, 2013)

A little "Thursday" humor.... Enjoy.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. 
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 

'You talk?' he asks. 

'Yep,' the Lab replies. 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. 
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... 

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 

'Because he's a Bullsh*tter. He's never been out of the yard'


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## Lumber Jim (May 29, 2013)

*North Dakota farmer Olie Nelson had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

"Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Olie responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Olie said, "Vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to the attorney: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie."

Olie said: 'Tank you," and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

"By yimminy yahosaphat, I vas hurt purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

"Shortly after da accident,a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

"Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, How are you feelin?'"

"Now wot da fock vud you say?"*


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## blybrook PE (Jun 3, 2013)

There's an annual contest at the Griffiths University, Australia, 
calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

The term: 'political correctness'.

The winning student wrote:

'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, 
illogical minority and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, 
which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to 
pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.'


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## Road Guy (Jun 4, 2013)

Whats the difference in a gay mustache and a straight mustache?

The Smell


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## YMZ PE (Jun 4, 2013)

That's disappointing. I thought the phrase was "Free moustache rides *for all*."


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## Ble_PE (Jun 4, 2013)

YMZ PE said:


> That's disappointing. I thought the phrase was "Free moustache rides *for all*."




It's a mustache ride, not a hot dog washing.


----------



## Dexman PE PMP (Jun 4, 2013)




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## Master slacker (Jun 4, 2013)

A despondent and severely depressed woman was standing at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve to jump.

Two guys walk buy and one says "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, could we have sex with you first?"

The woman said "Hell no... get away from me!" 

So the guy turns around and mutters, "Fine, we'll just go wait at the bottom."


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## Master slacker (Jun 6, 2013)

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh ****" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.


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## Dexman PE PMP (Jun 6, 2013)

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
...
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."


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## blybrook PE (Jun 13, 2013)

This may be a repeat, but:

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"

The husband, typically non-romantic, texted this reply: "I am on the commode. Please advise."


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## snickerd3 (Jun 13, 2013)

^ lmao right now...that is so something mr snick would say


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## Master slacker (Jul 24, 2013)

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:

"So, what's it gonna be?"

...

...

...

To which he replied, "Meow!"


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## Master slacker (Sep 12, 2013)

A lawyer, an Illegal Alien, a Pathological Liar, a Muslim, a Communist, and a Black Guy walk into a BAR. 

Bartender says, "What'll it be, Mr. President?"


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## Master slacker (Sep 12, 2013)

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.


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## Master slacker (Sep 12, 2013)

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he
try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by _both_ the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned
Nick! 

The moral of the story - Pay your bills.


----------



## Master slacker (Oct 10, 2013)

Bashful goes into the convent and asks the mother superior if there are any nuns there about _this_ size (2'-6"). "No" was the answer and the door was closed. Bashful went around to all the convents in the area and was given the same "no" answer. He went back home where the other dwarves were and they were sitting at the table drinking tea. Bashful jumped up in the air, clicked his heals, clapped his hand above his head and shouted out "Dopey's shtuped a penguin!"


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## Master slacker (Oct 10, 2013)

Not as many Scottish nun jokes to be found as I might like.

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"


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## Master slacker (Oct 10, 2013)

A woman is in a coma, and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman’s vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says ’come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.’ so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says, ’ i think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma, it will arrouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.’ so the nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. the husband says, ’I don’t know, I think that she started choking.’


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## Master slacker (Oct 10, 2013)

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"


----------



## Master slacker (Oct 10, 2013)

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man 
Walking with his legs spread apart. 
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. 
One student said to his friend: 
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. 
Those people walk just like that." 
The other student says: 
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. 
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." 
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him 
And one of the students said to him, 
"We're medical students and couldn't help 
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?" 
The old man said, 
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." 
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." 
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." 
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." 
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." 
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" 
The old man said, 
"I thought it was just GAS - but I was wrong, too!"


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## Master slacker (Nov 27, 2013)

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wild she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting in a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the clear and offered herself to him. She laid down in the grass, Tarzan ran up to her and kicked her in the crotch. In pain she yelled "What in the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replies, "Always check for squirrels!"


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## Master slacker (Nov 27, 2013)

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. 

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, Eat it all up or ... I'll haveTo give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice Man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"


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## Master slacker (Mar 11, 2014)

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied............ 

"Go look in the garage."


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## Master slacker (Mar 11, 2014)

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM...'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.... I think I'm going crazy.' 

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


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## Master slacker (Mar 19, 2014)

...I turned around and asked her, "Do you have a pen?"
She smiled and said, "Of course I do!"
I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."


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## DVINNY (Apr 15, 2014)

[SIZE=10pt]Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends 
Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. 

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, 
So for his birthday she takes him to a localStrip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 
"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been tothis club before. 
"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern 
If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortableand says,
"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws herarms around Vern,
starts to rub herself allOver him and says... 
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious,
Grabs her purse and
Storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in Beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
Must have mistaken him for someone else,But his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..


The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL
WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.[/SIZE]


----------



## Master slacker (Apr 24, 2014)

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. 

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. 
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.' 

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. 

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. 
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'


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## DVINNY (May 17, 2014)

*[SIZE=14pt]I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.[/SIZE]*[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

*I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.* [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]People move out of the way much faster now.

*You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.* [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

*Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers*. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]Now they drink like their fathers.

*You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?* [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]That's common sense leaving your body.

*I don't like making plans for the day.*[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

*I didn't make it to the gym again today.* [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]That makes five years in a row.[/SIZE]
*[SIZE=14pt]I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim?[/SIZE]*[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

*Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.*[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]If you find one, what's your plan.?[/SIZE]


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## blybrook PE (Aug 7, 2014)

Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. 

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it. 

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to read: Catatonics and High Colonics. This was also a no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives. Thumbs down again. 

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. 

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends. 

Everybody loved it!


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## Dark Knight (Sep 4, 2014)

Two very old guys meet each other at a park. One ask the other...

Old Man 1: How is your sexual life now?

Old Man 2: Like the Coca Cola

Old Man 1: I am a Gigantic DoucheBag

Old Man 2: First it was normal, then Light, and now *Zero*


----------



## Flyer_PE (Jan 26, 2015)

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since

she was indeed single. 

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on

Earth did you know that?”

[SIZE=11pt]The drunk replied, “Cuz you're ugly."[/SIZE]


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## Lumber Jim (Feb 18, 2015)

REDNECK LENT

EACH FRIDAY NIGHT AFTER WORK, BUBBA WOULD FIRE UP HIS OUTDOOR GRILL AND
COOK A VENISON STEAK. BUT, ALL OF BUBBA'S NEIGHBORS WERE
CATHOLIC....AND SINCE IT WAS LENT, THEY WERE FORBIDDEN FROM EATING MEAT
ON FRIDAY. THE DELICIOUS AROMA FROM THE GRILLED VENISON STEAKS WAS
CAUSING SUCH A PROBLEM FOR THE CATHOLIC FAITHFUL THAT THEY FINALLY
TALKED TO THEIR PRIEST. THE PRIEST CAME TO VISIT BUBBA, AND SUGGESTED
THAT HE BECOME A CATHOLIC.

AFTER SEVERAL CLASSES AND MUCH STUDY, BUBBA ATTENDED MASS... AND AS THE
PRIEST POURED HOLY WATER OVER HIM, HE SAID, "YOU WERE BORN A BAPTIST,
AND RAISED A BAPTIST, BUT NOW YOU ARE A CATHOLIC.

BUBBA'S NEIGHBORS WERE GREATLY RELIEVED, UNTIL FRIDAY NIGHT ARRIVED, AND
THE WONDERFUL AROMA OF GRILLED VENISON FILLED THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
THE PRIEST WAS CALLED IMMEDIATELY BY THE NEIGHBORS AND AS HE RUSHED INTO
BUBBA'S YARD CLUTCHING A ROSARY AND PREPARED TO SCOLD HIM, HE STOPPED
AND WATCHED IN AMAZEMENT.
THERE STOOD BUBBA, CLUTCHING A SMALL BOTTLE OF HOLY WATER WHICH HE
CAREFULLY SPRINKLED OVER THE GRILLED MEAT AND CHANTED: "YOU WUZ BORN A
DEER, YOU WUZ RAISED A DEER, BUT YOU IS NOW A CATFISH.

[SIZE=12pt]AMEN[/SIZE]


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## Lumber Jim (May 4, 2015)




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## Supe (Jun 12, 2015)

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. He says to himself, ‘I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


'For F*-#? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'


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## Supe (Jun 12, 2015)




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## Supe (Jun 12, 2015)

The smartest muscle in the human body is the sphincter. It can tell the difference between a solid, a liquid and a gas. Most of the time.


----------



## matt267 PE (Jun 12, 2015)

Supe said:


>


Now I know why I'm always in trouble.


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## Dexman PE PMP (Feb 17, 2016)

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’


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## Supe (Sep 26, 2016)

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. 

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. 

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: 
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come 
again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time. 

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives, " 

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell *'Mississippi'."


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## Supe (Oct 25, 2016)

[COLOR= rgb(0, 0, 0)]A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" [/COLOR][COLOR= rgb(0, 0, 0)]The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" [/COLOR][COLOR= rgb(0, 0, 0)]The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" [/COLOR][COLOR= rgb(0, 0, 0)]The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. [/COLOR][COLOR= rgb(0, 0, 0)]To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. we're going at night!"[/COLOR]


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## Supe (Oct 25, 2016)

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Newcasle were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through". So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through”. The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."


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## MetsFan (Oct 25, 2016)

The Hotel Fire

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying for the night in a hotel. Fortunately for this joke, a small fire breaks out in each room.
The physicist awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on the back of the hotel's wine list does some quick calculations. Grabbing the fire extinguisher, he puts out the fire with one, short, well placed burst, and then crawls back into bed and goes back to sleep.

The engineer awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on the back of the hotel's room service list (pizza menu) does some quick calculations. Grabbing the fire extinguisher (and adding a factor of safety of 5), he puts out the fire by hosing down the entire room several times over, and then crawls into his soggy bed and goes back to sleep.

The mathematician awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on a blackboard installed in the room, does some quick calculations. Jubliant, he exclaims "A solution exists!", and crawls into his dry bed and goes back to sleep.


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## MetsFan (Oct 25, 2016)

The Volume of the Red Ball

An engineer, mathematician, and physicist are each asked to determine the volume of a red metal ball.
The mathematician measures the diameter, divides it by two to obtain the radius, and then performs a double intergration.

The physicist weighs the ball and then weighs it again when immersed in water. Knowing the density of water and the difference in the two weights, she calculates the displaced volume of water, which is the volume of the ball.

The traditional engineer turns to her reference text The Physical Properties of Balls and in the chapter entitled "Metal", finds the table labelled "Red". Searching for a row that the contains the appropriate model number (which is stamped on the ball), she reads across to the column "volume", ignoring those dealing with "coefficient of thermal expansion" and "software rev. level".


----------



## Supe (Nov 16, 2016)

A Czech and Russian wildlife researcher went to a national park to study bear mating habits.

They checked in with the park rangers and the rangers said they would have to radio in once in the morning and once in the evening before they went to sleep.

One morning, no radio message came so the rangers went out looking. They found a campsite that was disturbed and no people; two bears were found wandering near by, a male and female. The rangers had no choice but to shoot both and do an autopsy to find the remains of the researchers.

The female bear was the first to be operated on and they found the remains of a person that they identified as the Russian researcher.

The coroner then remarked, "The Czech is in the male".


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## Road Guy (Dec 1, 2016)

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and a...s they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."


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## Supe (Feb 27, 2017)

An Engineer finishes a project for his customer, and when collecting his check, says to the customer; "I wish I had 10 customers just like you."

The customer, who had fought, argued, complained and withheld payment, looks at him with puzzlement and says; "Really? After all the grief I gave you, now you say you want 20 customers just like me?"

The Engineer replies; "Yes. I HAVE 50 customers just like you, I wish I had 10..."


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## goodal (Feb 27, 2017)

^this hits close to home.


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## Audi Driver P.E. (Mar 1, 2017)

Supe said:


> An Engineer finishes a project for his customer, and when collecting his check, says to the customer; "I wish I had* 10 *customers just like you."
> 
> The customer, who had fought, argued, complained and withheld payment, looks at him with puzzlement and says; "Really? After all the grief I gave you, now you say you want *20* customers just like me?"
> 
> The Engineer replies; "Yes. I HAVE 50 customers just like you, I wish I had 10..."


Clearly the customer can't pay attention.


----------



## Supe (May 4, 2017)

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport."Nationality?" asks the immigration officer."German," she replies."Occupation?"No, just here for a few days."


----------



## Supe (May 8, 2017)

A wife says to her husband, "Honey, please get me a carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get me 6."A short time later, the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"He replies, "They had avocados."


----------



## Supe (Jul 24, 2017)

An engineer dies . . . and goes to Hell.

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.

The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on staff. I'm keeping him."God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue.""Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"


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## Bot-Man (Jul 28, 2017)

A brunette goes into the doctors office completely distraught. She tells the doctor that her entire body hurts. Every square inch. She shows the doctor by first touching her knee. "Oww" she says almost in tears. Then she touches her elbow. "Owwww" She says again this time with tears flowing. She then touches her forehead. "Owwwwww" and she starts to sob. The doctor examines her and runs some tests. He then asks her "You aren't a natural brunette are you?" "No, I'm not" she says. "How did you know?" The doctor replies "Your finger is broken."


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## Supe (Sep 5, 2017)

A grizzled old Nebraska cowboy happened to make a rare visit to town. While there he always liked to enjoy a store bought haircut and a shave. His face was so deeply lined from the years in the saddle that getting a clean shave was almost impossible.

The barber being new to town told the old Cowboy not to worry and that he had the solution for that very thing. He said "take this small wooden ball and put it in your cheeks and that will smooth out those lines on your face".

The old cowboy did just that and was amazed.

"That is the best shave I have had in years he exclaimed, but what happens if I would have swallowed that wood ball?"

The barber said, "that's no problem, just wait three or four days and then bring it back like everyone else has."


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## jeb6294 (Sep 6, 2017)

My wife and I went to the Nash County 4H agricultural show last week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! A week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.


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## jeb6294 (Sep 7, 2017)

Nice mouse. Wait...what did you think it was?


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## Audi Driver P.E. (Sep 8, 2017)

jeb6294 said:


> Nice mouse. Wait...what did you think it was?


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## Supe (Oct 1, 2018)

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt .

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What in the world are ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob . "But me ’n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."


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## Supe (Oct 3, 2018)

A driver was stopped by highway patrol around 2 AM. He was asked where he was going in the wee hours of the morning.

The driver replied that he was going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.

So the officer asked, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The driver replied, "That would be my wife."


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## Supe (Oct 3, 2018)

Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population? 

Ireland. Every day it's Dublin!


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## Ble_PE (Oct 3, 2018)

Supe said:


> Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?
> 
> Ireland. Every day it's Dublin!


Get out Dad.


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## Road Guy (Oct 3, 2018)

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?





The food was great but there is no atmosphere.....


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## Supe (Oct 3, 2018)

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.


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## MA_PE (Oct 17, 2018)

What's the difference between a dirty bus terminal and a lobster with big boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.


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## Audi Driver P.E. (Oct 24, 2018)

Just saw a midget struggling carrying a TV to his car. I said " You need a hand with that flat screen, mate?" He said "Fuck off dickhead, its an ipad"


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## Supe (Aug 7, 2019)

Years ago a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot. Due to the heroics of the rescue helicopter crew and the ship's medical staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

He remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type. It was a great interview. At the end the Admiral asked, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear. I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and dismissed the Master Chief.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, was asked this same question and answered, "Well yes, sir, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral dismissed him as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two others put together. The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir, you wear contact lenses."

The Admiral thought what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" he asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear eyeglasses with only one friggen' ear."


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## Supe (Aug 7, 2019)

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.


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## Supe (Aug 7, 2019)

Happy (belated) Father's Day!

This morning I was lying in bed with my wife, and she asked me what I wanted for Father Day. I winked at her and said I wanted to recreate how I became a father. She looked lovingly into my eyes, took my hand, and squeezed it so hard it crushed my bones, while yelling "You did this to me!".


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## ChebyshevII PE PMP (Aug 7, 2019)

A pirate walks into a bar with a helm wheel in his pants. Curious, the bartender inquired about it. The pirate responded, “arrg, it’s drivin’ me nuts.”


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## ChebyshevII PE PMP (Aug 26, 2019)

The invention of the rototiller was certainly ground-breaking.


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## Supe (Dec 4, 2019)

A man walks into the doctor's office complaining of rectal pain.  Upon examination, the doctor tells him "sir, there's a piece of lettuce coming out of your rectum!"

The man replies, "Doc, that's only the tip of the iceberg."


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## Supe (Jan 29, 2020)

Two elderly ladies, Mabel and Evie, meet at a café for a nice cup of coffee and a cake.

After a while, Mabel peers closely at Evie and says, “Evie, it looks like you have a suppository in your ear!”

“What?”

“It looks like you have a suppository in your ear, Evie!” says Mabel a bit louder.

“Oh,” checks Evie, “you’re right! Drat, well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now.”


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## Supe (Jan 29, 2020)

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the side-walk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his willy through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop laughing. "O.K. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays!"


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## jeb6294 (Feb 21, 2020)




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## jeb6294 (Feb 21, 2020)




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## Road Guy (Feb 21, 2020)

brain is getting old I had to read that twice


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## Supe (May 17, 2022)

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.


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