# Engineering Jokes



## Timewalker (Jul 15, 2009)

*Operating on Engineers*

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their tails are interchangeable."

The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers . They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

:doctor:


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## snickerd3 (Jul 15, 2009)

dude threads have to earn a spot in the Hall of fame.


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## Timewalker (Jul 15, 2009)

*Knowing where to put it *

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

"One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999"

lusone:


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## Capt Worley PE (Jul 15, 2009)

How'd this get in the HoF?


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## frazil (Jul 15, 2009)

moved it.


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## Timewalker (Jul 15, 2009)

*The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach *

10. You have to earn your spot in the EB's Hall of Fame :holyness:

9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work.

8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.

6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software.

5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.

4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision.

2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into architecture.

1. There are about 10 types of capacitors.


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## frazil (Jul 15, 2009)

Timewalker said:


> *The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach *
> 10. You have to earn your spot in the EB's Hall of Fame :holyness:


LOL :appl:


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## Timewalker (Jul 15, 2009)

frazil said:


> moved it.


Thanks Frazil and Captain Worley PE for your guidance and patience...


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## Timewalker (Jul 15, 2009)

*A lawyer and an engineer were fishing ... *

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, “I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That's quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?”" he asked.


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## RIP - VTEnviro (Jul 15, 2009)

> 10. You have to earn your spot in the EB's Hall of Fame


Not HOF stuff...yet.

I suggest you go enjoy some scotch ramen while scrapbooking on a treadmill.


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## Timewalker (Jul 15, 2009)

VTEnviro said:


> Not HOF stuff...yet.
> I suggest you go enjoy some scotch ramen while scrapbooking on a treadmill.



VTEnviro,

What about looking at the positive side of things, enjoying an engineering joke lightheartedly, or even better, contributing one without the need of a scotch ramen...I suggest this as a good opportunity for you not to overcompensate licentiously on your treadmill or denote failure as your avatar...but instead, stay in touch with your funny bone and let the Hall of Fame be what it may... :Locolaugh:


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## benbo (Jul 15, 2009)

Timewalker said:


> VTEnviro,stay in touch with your funny bone


What are you suggesting here?


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## Timewalker (Jul 15, 2009)

benbo said:


> What are you suggesting here?


I'm suggesting we all have a good time here benbo....thanks for coming... arty-smiley-048:


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## Guest (Jul 15, 2009)

I don't know why ... but this one always makes me laugh ...

*The Engineer and the Frog*

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"



Timewalker said:


> *The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach *
> 10. You have to earn your spot in the EB's Hall of Fame :holyness:


That thar is awesome!!!! :appl: :bowdown: :respect:



Timewalker said:


> VTEnviro,What about looking at the positive side of things, enjoying an engineering joke lightheartedly, or even better, contributing one without the need of a scotch ramen...I suggest this as a good opportunity for you not to overcompensate *licentiously* on your treadmill or denote failure as your avatar...but instead, stay in touch with your funny bone and let the Hall of Fame be what it may... :Locolaugh:


Oohhh .... I can't wait until VTE returns and says ... "My eyes are still stinking of you!!!"

:rotflmao:


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## cement (Jul 16, 2009)

Timewalker said:


> VTEnviro,What about looking at the positive side of things, enjoying an engineering joke lightheartedly, or even better, contributing one without the need of a scotch ramen...I suggest this as a good opportunity for you not to overcompensate licentiously on your treadmill or denote failure as your avatar...but instead, stay in touch with your funny bone and let the Hall of Fame be what it may... :Locolaugh:


are you suggesting VTE doesn't touch his funny bone enough?


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## RIP - VTEnviro (Jul 16, 2009)




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## benbo (Jul 16, 2009)

Timewalker said:


> I'm suggesting we all have a good time here benbo....thanks for coming... arty-smiley-048:


I guess we would be having a good time if we were all touching our funny bones.

I won't comment on the part about "thanks for coming"


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## Dexman1349 (Jul 16, 2009)

Ok, I guess I'm missing something. What's the difference between this thread and this one:

http://engineerboards.com/index.php?showtopic=5759

Engineering specific vs general jokes? Meh.


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## Timewalker (Jul 16, 2009)

Dexman1349, I am glad you asked the question....but, the answer to your quest has been in front of your eyes all along... :eyebrows:

"For those that understand, no explaination is necessary...For those that don't, no explaination is possible..." ld-025:


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## TouchDown (Jul 16, 2009)

Oldie but a Goodie:



Pastor, Doctor And Engineer

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

Caddie: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?


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## TouchDown (Jul 16, 2009)

*Definition of pi *

What is "pi"?

Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter.

Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.00000005

Engineer: Pi is about 3.


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## Timewalker (Jul 16, 2009)

benbo said:


> I guess we would be having a good time if we were all touching our funny bones.
> I won't comment on the part about "thanks for coming"



Well, benbo, I wouldn't recommend the use of "we were all" to underline your obvious fixation, finding behind a very word the inadequacies of puberty, but nevertheless, there is hope through therapy even for those who lack or seem to never reach maturity... :icon_anal:


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## benbo (Jul 16, 2009)

Timewalker said:


> Well, benbo, I wouldn't recommend the use of "we were all" to underline your obvious fixation, finding behind a very word the inadequacies of puberty, but nevertheless, there is hope through therapy even for those who lack or seem to never reach maturity... :icon_anal:


Huh? Shouldn't you been posting on the psychologists board?

Oh, and by the way, as a noob it seems there are a lot of things you don't know. We are allowed to look for double entendres and comment on them. It is also a way of lightening things up. Just in case you didn't understand that.


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## Timewalker (Jul 16, 2009)

VTEnviro, Nice of you to drop by! I see you changed your avatar...Hey! :thumbs: Much better than the previous one!...Now you are just a little ball with no stick... :rotflmao:


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## Timewalker (Jul 16, 2009)

benbo said:


> Huh? Shouldn't you been posting on the psychologists board?
> 
> Oh, and by the way, as a noob it seems there are a lot of things you don't know. We are allowed to look for double entendres and comment on them. It is also a way of lightening things up. Just in case you didn't understand that.



Hey benbo, lighten up! ....I maybe a noob and I'm no Dapper Dan, but I am resourceful enough to find you a psychologist if you need one... ldtimer:

:sharkattack:

...Just kidding! I agree...we're also allowed to look for quadruple entendres if we find the other level too low...and of course you understand...you're an engineer, arent you?

So, keep the ball rolling, benbo! ...and I don't mean the new VTE... :thumbs:


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## wilheldp_PE (Jul 16, 2009)

I don't want FOP dammit, I'm a Dapper Dan man!


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## benbo (Jul 16, 2009)

Timewalker said:


> Hey benbo, lighten up! ....I maybe a noob and I'm no Dapper Dan, but I am resourceful enough to find you a psychologist if you need one... ldtimer: :sharkattack:
> 
> ...Just kidding! I agree...we're also allowed to look for quadruple entendres if we find the other level too low...and of course you understand...you're an engineer, arent you?
> 
> So, keep the ball rolling, benbo! ...and I don't mean the new VTE... :thumbs:


Sounds good, I guess. It's sort of tough understanding all your advanced psychological talk.


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## Timewalker (Jul 16, 2009)

benbo said:


> Sounds good, I guess. It's sort of tough understanding all your advanced psychological talk.


benbo, it's all right man, we're all friends here sooner or later, and we're here to communicate and network...

whatever you do, benbo, don't mess with Wilheldp_PE, he's a doggone mean Dapper Dan man! :thumbs:

I have a joke VTE would love, but unless he shows his little ball again I'm not posting it...


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## benbo (Jul 16, 2009)

Timewalker said:


> benbo, it's all right man, we're all friends here sooner or later, and we're here to communicate and network...whatever you do, benbo, don't mess with Wilheldp_PE, he's a doggone mean Dapper Dan man! :thumbs:
> 
> I have a joke VTE would love, but unless he shows his little ball again I'm not posting it...


OK VT - The "ball's" in your court.

If you show him your ball, he'll show you his joke.


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## RIP - VTEnviro (Jul 16, 2009)

The poster in question has been given a temporary ban with a warning not to flame other members.


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## benbo (Jul 16, 2009)

SapperPE said:


> Hey, what's all the comotion? Huh? Can somebody explain all of this comotion?


I don't think there's really a big comotion. Timewalker posted a new link in the HOF and we're just giving him (I think he's a him) the business. And he's giving it back.


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## FLBuff PE (Jul 16, 2009)

VTEnviro said:


> The poster in question has been given a temporary ban with a warning not to flame other members.


Looks like VTE is taking his ball and going home...


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## cement (Jul 16, 2009)

I knew it!


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## benbo (Jul 16, 2009)

SapperPE said:


> My poor attempt at Flight of the Concords humor has been lost


It's probably only lost on me because I haven't seen it.


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## FLBuff PE (Jul 16, 2009)

SapperPE said:


> My poor attempt at Flight of the Concords humor has been lost


I'm not a big Flight of the Concords fan...sorry.


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## IlPadrino (Jul 16, 2009)

VTEnviro said:


> The poster in question has been given a temporary ban with a warning not to flame other members.


Boo! I'd hoped you'd lost the ban-hammer... it's just un-American!


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## Guest (Jul 16, 2009)

In the immortal words of Road Guy (ala Uncle Hulka):

_Hey Francis, lighten up!_

JR


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## Timewalker (Jul 17, 2009)

Unconstrained EBoardland Security? Excessive Engineering Water Boarding? :whipping:

Under the mighty weight of the ban-hammer and sickle, how could I, a mere mortal, law-abiding tax payer, exercise my first amendment right in the land of the free? :unitedstates:

What do you do when you have to be a man? ….James Dean in Rebel Without Applause…

:th_rockon:


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## Supe (Jul 17, 2009)

SapperPE said:


> My poor attempt at Flight of the Concords humor has been lost



Is that show on Hulu or online somewhere? I don't get HBO, but it's got to be one of the funniest shows I've ever seen.


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## frazil (Jul 17, 2009)

^I've never found it anywhere online for free. You can download from itunes (i think). I got a copy of season 1 from a friend. Now I've got to get a copy season 2...


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## TouchDown (Jul 17, 2009)

frazil said:


> ^I've never found it anywhere online for free. You can download from itunes (i think). I got a copy of season 1 from a friend. Now I've got to get a copy season 2...


I was about to say... I thought they were a comedic band.

Then I wiki'd it and found out HBO gave them a special. They are good, I'll have to look into it.


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## Guest (Jul 17, 2009)

Timewalker said:


> Unconstrained EBoardland Security? Excessive Engineering Water Boarding? :whipping:


There's no crying on EB.com .....

JR


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## Timewalker (Jul 17, 2009)

jregieng said:


> There's no crying on EB.com .....
> JR



Well, in that case, JR, I'd better stick to dancing my blues away...Much Obliged. arty-smiley-048:


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## Guest (Jul 17, 2009)

Where are you located in Southern Florida? I just moved from Tallahassee about four months ago - I used to work pretty extensively throughout south florida. 

JR


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## Timewalker (Jul 17, 2009)

jregieng said:


> Where are you located in Southern Florida? I just moved from Tallahassee about four months ago - I used to work pretty extensively throughout south florida.
> JR



...so you left Florida, how could you do that to yourself? ...#@%&amp;!...I guess it's O.K. if you went to Hawaii...

Actually, JR, you were one in about 300,000 people/year that have left the state for economic or employment reasons. For the last couple of years we have lost population, instead of gaining the usual average of 100,000 people per year...

I'm located in Lauderdale by the Sea in Broward County...Lucky me!


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## Guest (Jul 17, 2009)

Timewalker said:


> ...so you left Florida, how could you do that to yourself? ...#@%&amp;!...I guess it's O.K. if you went to Hawaii...


Ha! Most everyone told me I was insane moving from Florida to Michigan ... but it has worked so far. Much more interesting job and better pay .. believe it or not, and that doesn't even factor in cheaper cost of living. 



Timewalker said:


> Actually, JR, you were one in about 300,000 people/year that have left the state for economic or employment reasons. For the last couple of years we have lost population, instead of gaining the usual average of 100,000 people per year...


I know that number all too well - I know so many people who were finding harder and harder to live on their salaries (mine included). While I honestly believe the state government system did right by me ... in the end, it wasn't enough to realisitically support myself or look towards a realistic retirement, so I decided to seize the oppurtunity and see where life takes me! Honestly ... I am not complaining ... I am satisified with the results of abandoning ship .. I just hope everyone else can find their way through this economic morass.



Timewalker said:


> I'm located in Lauderdale by the Sea in Broward County...Lucky me!


I know it quite well .. I did A LOT of work in Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade Counties when I worked for my former agency. 

I also have tons of family along the coast there spanning from Melbourne all the way down to Homestead with the population center located in Fort Pierce.

So - what do you do?

JR


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## Timewalker (Jul 17, 2009)

jregieng said:


> Ha! Most everyone told me I was insane moving from Florida to Michigan ... but it has worked so far. Much more interesting job and better pay .. believe it or not, and that doesn't even factor in cheaper cost of living.
> 
> I know that number all too well - I know so many people who were finding harder and harder to live on their salaries (mine included). While I honestly believe the state government system did right by me ... in the end, it wasn't enough to realisitically support myself or look towards a realistic retirement, so I decided to seize the oppurtunity and see where life takes me! Honestly ... I am not complaining ... I am satisified with the results of abandoning ship .. I just hope everyone else can find their way through this economic morass.
> 
> ...



Thanks JR, you come across like very nice person...of course you are, you're from Florida! ...I'll drop you a line... :thumbs:

....with all due respect, in regards to what do I do....what I do is to motivate people that read this thread to post a joke so that we all have a little corner in this cyberspace where we don't have to be so serious and can have some laughter... 

So, JR, when are you going to post your joke?

Best Regards.


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## engineergurl (Jul 17, 2009)

VTEnviro said:


> Not HOF stuff...yet.
> I suggest you go enjoy some scotch ramen while scrapbooking on a treadmill.




Why do I understand this...


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## Timewalker (Jul 17, 2009)

....JR, I really meant your second joke...


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## Road Guy (Jul 20, 2009)

okay not an engineering joke, but a joke none the less...

This brought tears to my eyes . . .

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said,

'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went

fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had

money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end


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## Supe (Jul 20, 2009)

Amen!

*Burp, fart, scratch*


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## FLBuff PE (Jul 20, 2009)

Road Guy said:


> okay not an engineering joke, but a joke none the less...
> 
> This brought tears to my eyes . . .
> 
> ...






Supe said:


> Amen!
> *Burp, fart, scratch*


I was just gonna say that sounds like someone I know...


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## Sschell (Jul 20, 2009)

D'OH!!!!!


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