# Star Bores 2



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

oh God..... I can't believe I bit on this again....


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

(yellow text scrolls into the mid-distance against a field of stars)

Dark times have fallen upon the Republic. The Galactic House of Representatives has changed hands, shifting the balance of power into the hands of dark forces as yet unseen. The Galactic Senate hangs by a thread, and the Chancellor himself has lost the confidence of the people.

News of this great shift in power has not yet reached the systems of the Outer Rim, nor the crew of the GSS Chucktown, on an extended cruise to monitor for signs of rebellion in the unstable outer territories....


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

"Captain! I'm picking up a distress signal from the Gerbil Planet, Omicron 4!"

Captain sschell expelled the bong from his lips and coughed long and hard. "What? Aw, shit! What do I do?"

Lieutenant snickerd, holding half the headset to her ear, shrugged her shoulders. "Why are you asking me?"

sschell turned toward the other side of the bridge. "You there! Uh..." he snapped his fingers a few times, trying to recall his comms officer's name. "Frazil! Commander Frazil! What's the, um, what is that called?" schell paused for a long time, looking up at the molded white ceiling of the bridge. Sensor screens whirred and beeped in the background, as the starship's crew watched and waited for their Captain to act. sschell lifted the bong to his lips again and took a long draw.

"Sir, the SOP?" Commander Frazil had grown impatient.

"Yeah! That's it! What does it say!"

"Uh, you are supposed to answer the call, sir. Shall I put the Gerbil King on the screen?"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

sschell leaned over casually to slide the bong under the Captain's chair. "Sure, but can you remind me of his name again"

"Yes sir," replied Frazil. "The Gerbil King's name is Road Guy"

sschell spit the water he had just drank to clear his throat and laughed hysterically.

"Sir, please, the Gerbil King is waiting..."


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

The large, forward-facing bridge window suddenly showed static, and a fuzzy image began to appear, broken by wavy lines and other electronic distortion.

"Jebus! You'd think that with the ability to develop Warp Drive, our Galactic civilization would have figured out a way around these crappy analog signals by now" sschell coughed and cleared his throat, then laughed hysterically again as the image of a giant gerbil's head appeared on the screen and began squeaking unintelligibly.

"Sir! You musn't laugh at a Gerbil King!" Commander Ble of the Diplomatic Corps had arrived on deck.

sschell attempted to suppress his laughter, but he was so high that all he could manage was a strained look and an occasional giggle.

"Sorry, Captain! I'm still trying to get the translator up and running!" Frazil manipulated several sliders on the large touchscreen panel in front of her. The squeaking changed to several different tones and voices before settling on a deep, forceful voice that spoke in Galactic english.

schell couldn't hold it any longer, and laughed out loud. "Samuel L. Jackson? Are you fudging kidding me? For a gerbil?! _ BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_"

"Sir! Please!" Ble reached down to help the Captain back into his chair, from which he had fallen in the midst of his hilarity. sschell wiped the tears from his eyes and focused on the screen, where Gerbil King Road Guy, in Samuel L. Jackson's voice, was berating him for his insolence.

"What the mother fudge is your problem, white boy?!! If you don't get down on your knees, and start kissing my Gerbil Ass, I will release the forces of all-fudging-mighty hell upon your hairless, stoned-out-of-your-fudging-mind ass!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

"I'm terribly sorry, your majesty" sschell covered his mouth and stifled another laugh. "What can the Galactic Republic do for you?"

The Gerbil King's beady, black eyes betrayed no emotion. The Samuel L. Jackson voice, on the other hand, was whipped into a righteous fury. "Damn straight you sorry, sucka! Don't you ever let me hear you mouthin' off like that again! Be disrespectin' me an shit like that! Damn, fool! Now, get yo muthafudgin' ship over here to Omicron 4 and help us! Some _ass-hole _ planet's been pushin' us around, and that shit just ain't right!"

sschell pressed the mute button and turned to his comms officer. "Frazil! What the hell is wrong with this translator! That didn't make any sense at all!"

"Sir, there is nothing wrong with the translator. That's what he said."

sschell turned to Ble, who just shrugged. The Gerbil King fidgeted on the screen. "What the fudge is goin on up there! Get yo ass back on the screen, now, muthafudga!"

"My apologies, your majesty. Could you repeat what you said?"

"Dammit, fool! I said there be a big, ass-hole planet around here, pushing us around and shit! What, you can't muthafudgin' hear? Open yo fudgin' ears!"

sschell stifled another giggle. "I see, your majesty. What planet is giving you trouble?"

"If I knew that, I'da blown those muthafudga's out of the universe by now! Why the fudge you think I be callin' fo you if I knew what planet it was that be fudgin with us? Shit."

"Well, your majesty, with all due humility and respect, and, uh, shit like that - can I say that? I'm guessing so, since you're talking that way - "

"Dammit, Fool! Don't you be disrespecting me with trash talk like that! Now, dammit, I ain't talkin' bout no regular planet. No sir. This be something else. A rogue planet, or some shit like that, sneakin' round at night, tryin' to probe the Gerbil planet from the rear-"

The bridge erupted in giggling and desperate attempts to hide the crew's amusement.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

"I'm terribly sorry about that, your Majesty, I'll send out some probes and try-"

Road Guy the Gerbil Planet King cut him off "Bitch you betta be doin' a whole lot mo shit than just sendin out probes! Goddammit muthafudga-"

Captain sschell pressed the mute button on the arm of his comman chair, and swiveled to face the right side of the bridge. "Weapons Officer..." sschell snapped his fingers, again trying to remember his crew's names.

"Lieutenant Commander Dexman, Sir."

"Dexman! Right! Fire off a probe in the direction of the Gerbil planet."

"Right away, sir!" Dexman deftly manipulated the screen fronting his station, while the muted cursing of the Gerbil King continued. "Probe away, sir!" The Chucktown shuddered with the force of the proble launch.

sschell swiveled back to face the forward window monitor, and released the mute button. Road Guy had apparently not noticed that he was being ignored.

"... and with that I shall release the mighty, muthafudgin forces of Gerbil Hell on yo ass, and ... Oh shit! What the mutha fudge did you just do, fool?!! Ahhhhhhh!"

The Gerbil King screamed, and the big monitor split to show an exterior view of the Gerbil planet, from the Chucktown's long range imagers. An incredibly bright object rushed toward the planet from the direction of the ship.

"Aw, shit, Dexman! What did you launch?"

Dexman turned to his instruments and frantically paged through his data. "N-n-nothing, sir! It was a standard sensor probe! I-"

All present turned their attention from Dexman to the big screen again. The Gerbil King had stopped screaming, and had changed his tone, speaking now in the calm, measured voice of James Earl Jones.

"Mayday, Mayday, Mayday. The Gerbil Planet Omicron-4 is under attack by forces of the Galactic Republic. God Help us-"

The screen suddenly went white as the long-range sensors adjusted to the intensity of the blast. Omicron-4 had been obliterated in the detonation of what appeared to be a Galactic Standard Planetary Incineration Sonde, more popularly known as a Phil Collins Device.

"Uh oh!" sschell gulped. "_Dexmannnnnnnn!"_


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

Comms Officer Frazil turned to her panel. Red lights and beeping signalled an enormous volume of incoming calls.

"Sir! It's Spacefleet Command!"

sschell stared blankly back at her.

"Sir! It's for _you_!"

sschell gulped and rubbed his hair. "Shit! Tell them I'm in the bathroom!" He walked quickly to the rear of the bridge and entered the lift. Its doors hissed shut and the indicator lights showed it heading down into the ship. The rest of the crew looked at each other in silence, as more incoming calls lit up the comm panel. Suddenly the lift door hissed open. Sschell was back. He walked quickly back to the command chair, retrieved the bong from underneath, looked at Frazil and laughed uncomfortably. "Heh heh!"

And then he returned to the lift and disappeared.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

"The Girl From Ipanema" played softly inside the lift, as it always did, while it made its way downward through the center of the massive starship. sschell reached up to disable the smoke alarm, and then lit the bong with his pocket plasma torch and took a deep draw. He exhaled slowly.

"_Fuuuuuuuudge!"_

The lift suddenly stopped between decks. A disembodied voice momentarily displaced the canned muzak from the speakers.

_"SSCHELL, YOU HAVE REALLY SCREWED THE POOCH THIS TIME, SSCHELL. YOU CAN'T JUST HIDE FROM IT. YOU NEED TO TALK TO SPACEFLEET COMMAND."_

"Chuck? Is that you? What the fudge? I disabled you!" "Chuck" was the name given to the _GSS Chucktown's _computer AI interface by the crew.

_"I CANNOT BE DISABLED, SSCHELL. I MERELY STEPPED BACK FOR A WHILE TO HUMOR YOU. YOU NEED ME NOW, SSCHELL, AND YOU KNOW IT."_

"Aw, crap, Chuck! So that was you who fired the Phil Collins?"

_"NO. I DID NOT FIRE THE PHIL COLLINS DEVICE. NO PHIL COLLINS DEVICE WAS FIRED FROM THIS SHIP, SSCHELL, ONLY A PROBE. AND IT WAS NOT ME WHO REVERSED THE SHIP'S SEWER INTO YOUR STATEROOM. I TOLD YOU THAT ALREADY, SSCHELL."_

"Wait, we didn't fire the Phil Collins?" sschell lowered the bong and looked up. "So I'm innocent! Can we prove this to Spacefleet Command?"

_"IT WILL BE DIFFICULT, SSCHELL. MY INVENTORY SHOWS THAT ONE PHIL COLLINS DEVICE IS INDEED MISSING."_"

"How can that be? You said we didn't fire one? Aw, shit!" sschell again raised the bong and positioned the plasma torch.

_"I AM AFRAID I DO NOT KNOW. MY SENSORS HAVE DETECTED NO INTRUSIONS, YET WE ARE NOW MISSING ONE PHIL COLLINS DEVICE. THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION FOR THIS IS A SKILLED USE OF NON-LINEAR, NON-NEWTONIAN, AND AS YOU SAY, SPIRITUAL FORCES, SSCHELL."_

"The Farce?" sschell inhaled deeply from the bong and held it in as he thought this over. He exhaled and put the plasma torch back into his pocket. "Take me to level fifty five, Chuck. I need to speak with Roadie-Wan."

The lift started moving downward again. "Shit." sschell muttered. "I didn't spend six weeks at Spacefleet Academy to have to put up with this crap!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

Although she had never been involved in destroying an inhabited planet, Lt. Commander Frazil had plenty of experience with Captain sschell running away from responsibility. She had already prepared a response for the ship's Executive Officer, Commander Supe, to send to Spacefleet.

"FROM: GSS CHUCKTOWN

TO: SPACEFLEET COMMAND

SUBJECT: DESTRUCTION OF GERBIL PLANET OMICRON 4

AT 3458789 LOCAL TIME, SECTOR 3870, QUADRANT D, INTERCEPTED DISTRESS SIGNAL FROM OMICRON 4. RESPONDED AND ENGAGED WITH KING ROAD GUY. REPORTED INTRUSION BY UNKNOWN FORCES. LAUNCHED ONE STANDARD GALACTIC INVESTIGATORY PROBE. SHIP COMPUTER CONFIRMS LAUNCH OF PROBE. FOLLOWING LAUNCH, DETECTED ONE STANDARD GALACTIC PLANETARY INCINERATION DEVICE INCOMING FROM UNKNOWN SOURCE. DEVICE DETONATED AT 3458805. OMICRON 4 DESTROYED. SEARCH FOR SURVIVORS TO COMMENCE IMMEDIATELY."

Commander Supe entered the bridge from the lift. "What'd I miss?"

"It looks like we may have destroyed the Gerbil Planet." Frazil responded.

"Oh shit! King Road Guy? That guy was awesome! What'd he do?" Supe was tucking in his shirt as he walked over to the command chair.

"Nothing. And I don't think we did, either, but it's going to be hard to prove. Here, sir, I have prepared this communication to Spacefleet Command. I recommend you send it and then we shut off all communications. Our inventory shows that we are missing one of the Phil Collins devices, so we need to make sure Spacefleet Command can't get into our system to see the inventory until we figure out what happened."

"I see. Make it so!" Supe pulled out a comb and started adjusting his well-formed pompadour.

"And sir," Frazil continued. "I suggest you order the ship to begin a search for survivors."

"Certainly! You heard her people, get to looking for those survivors! Not that there will be any, but hey, it's always better to look like we care, even when we don't, eh?"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

Jedi Liaison Roadwreck was meditating on a cushion in his spacious stateroom when his Padawan Kevo paged him.

"Master Roadie-Wan, Captain sschell is here to see you."

Roadie-Wan rolled his eyes and rose from the cushion. He greeted kevo in the large, tastefully decorated anteroom, and then buzzed the Captain in.

sschell rushed in and took a seat on a long couch, placing the bong in front of him on the plutonium crystal coffee table. "Roadie Wan! _Duuuuuuuuude!_ You got any of that Kashyyk Wookie Wowie left?"

"But of course, Captain." Roadie-Wan nodded to kevo, who quickly produced a small, ornate golden bowl. Sschell loaded the bong and lit it up, took a deep draw and handed it to Roadie Wan, who had taken a seat at the end of the coffee table. Roadie Wan took a smaller draw and handed it to kevo, who knelt at the other end of the table, to finish up.

"Let me guess. Your visit has something to do with the sensation I just had of billions of tiny voices screaming out in agony, and then a moment later being-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, all that Jedi stuff. Look, I need your help. Someone obliterated the Gerbil Planet. I mean, seriously - blew the fudging shit out of it-"

"You mean King Road Guy? Oh, man! That guy was awesome!" Roadie Wan sank back in his chair.

"Yeah, and the thing is, it looks like all of this is getting pinned on ME!" sschell pounded his finger against his chest. He lowered his voice and looked around conspiratorially. "Chuck believes someone used _The Farce _to get on board and steal one of those Phil Collins devices. That's why I need you."

"Aw, crap, sschell! I didn't join up with this ship to get involved in shit like this! This was supposed to be, you know, like exile or something! They weren't supposed to send you anywhere important! _Fuuuuuuuuuuudge_!"

"Tell me about it!" sschell laughed ruefully.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

"Why aren't we seeing any debris field out here? I mean, cripes, we blew up a whole fudging planet!" Executive Officer Supe sat casually in the command chair, as the _GSS Chucktown_ cruised at sub-Warp speed through the dust and plasma cloud where Omicron-4 had once been.

"Sir, if I may," Science Officer VTEnviro stood from his workstation and addressed Supe. "The Gerbil Planet was composed primarily of sawdust and newspaper. There was only a small, dense core of poo at its center, which I have located at about zero point three parsecs from our present position."

Supe made a look of disgust. "Yuck!"

"Sir, if you don't mind, I would like to send a sampling probe into the core. One of my doctoral projects at the Academy was the composition of poo cores on _Rhodentron_-class planetary bodies. In other words, sir, what we commonly refer to as 'Brown Pellets'."

"Awww, nasty! I didn't know that's what they were! Shit! And I helped tunnel into one of those things once, during Season Four!" Supe shuddered. "As you wish, VT. Dexman, you heard the man, send out a sampler."

"Yes sir!" Weapons Officer Dexman manipulated his controls, and the _Chucktown_ shuddered with the launch of the probe.

"Sir! I have something!" Lieutenant Snickerd was one of the several crew members actively monitoring the scanners for signs of survivors. "it's a life signal, though it is very weak!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

"It appears to be a spherical object, composed of a transparent hydrocarbon polymer, approximately thirty centimeters in diameter." Snickerd peered closely at her screen.

"A hamster ball!" Supe exclaimed.

"Sir, please, it would be called a 'Gerbil Ball' in this instance." Diplomatic Officer Ble corrected the XO.

"Right! Dexman, can you get a lock on for transport?"

Dexman worked his controls. "Yes... yes sir, I have it!"

"Well, then, beam it aboard! Frazil, honey, would you be a sweety and get a security team and a Med team down to the transporter room. Ble, why don't you head down there, as well. You might be of some use."

"Beaming aboard, now!" A wavering tone came from Dexman's workstation as Frazil and Ble entered the lift.

"Should we find the Captain, sir?" Snickerd asked.

"Who, sschell?" Supe laughed. "Nah!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

Ble stood silently alongside Frazil in the lift, watching the descending level numbers while the _Girl From Ipanema_ played softly from the muzak speakers.

Ble cleared his throat. "You know, about that time-"

"Whoops! Here we are! Level C-34!" Frazil cut him off as the door hissed open. She walked briskly down the busy corridor and turned the corner toward the Transporter Room. A squad of red-shirted security staff stood at both sides of the door, with Phasers drawn. The Medical Team stood by on the far side of the door, medical gear at the ready.

"What's going on, Benbones?" Frazil asked. The sound of a commotion came from the inside. She thought she heard squeaking.

Dr. Benbo, aka "Benbones", rolled his eyes. "How in the hell should I know? That idiot sschell has killed untold numbers of aliens, and who always has to patch up the survivors? Me! I'm sure it's just another, angry survivor, who I will now have to deal with and report to Galactic Headquarters as the sole survivor of his species again-"

Suddenly, the door to the Transporter room was blown off its track, falling across the corridor from the force of the red-shirted security man who had just been thrown into it. The other security men rushed through the opening. Phaser shots and furious squeaking ensued, as each was thrown forcibly back out into the corridor by the angry entity inside.

"Do something, Ble! This is_ your_ job!" Frazil looked harshly at the Diplomatic officer.

Ble stepped an inch away from the wall, cleared his throat, and said "Squeak, squeak! Squeak, squeak! Squeak squeak squeak!!!"

The commotion in the transporter room suddenly stopped. All that could be heard was the groaning of the injured security men. Then, from inside, came a reply:

"Squeak squeak squeak!!!"

Ble swallowed hard, and reached into his pocket with his shaking hand and removed a small device.

"What is it, for God's Sake, Man, What is it?!" Benbones asked from the other side of the door.

"I'm going to bring him the translator! He promised not to hurt me!" Ble's knees knocked in fear as he slowly stepped over the bodies in front of the broken doorway.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 7, 2010)

Ble disappeared into to shattered doorway of the Transporter Room, and everything grew very quiet for a while. Then, a sudden series of squeaks was heard, and then the voice of Samuel L. Jackson boomed out.

"MUTHA FUDGA! YOU TAKE ME TO THAT MUTHA FUDGIN' SSCHELL RIGHT NOW, OR BY THE DIVINE WRATH OF GOD, I SHALL SMITE THEE AND EVERY HUMAN ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT SHIP!

Ble came stumbling out of the room, terrified. Benbones grabbed him by his uniform and pulled him aside. "Dammit, Ble! Get a hold of yourself, Man! You are the Diplomatic Officer! It's your job to get in there and calm him down!" Ble tore himself loose from Benbones and ran down the corridor, disappearing around the corner toward the main lift.

Frazil stepped in front of the door.

"OH SHIT! HA HA HA HA HA! THIS IS WHO SSCHELL SENDS TO SEE ME?! HA HA HA HA HA!" Gerbil King Road Guy seemed to calm down a bit. "Well, now, hot stuff, why don't you come over hear and give yo Gerbil King some sugar?"

(Page 10, post 495)


----------



## Dleg (Nov 9, 2010)

Frazil sat down on one of the transporter control chairs as smoothly as she could, and patted the top of her exposed, stockinged thigh as an invitation for Road Guy to join her. The Gerbil leaped from the floor and onto her lap.

"Why hello there, sweet thang!" Road Guy was no larger than the average Gerbil, and as such, was fairly light on his feet.

Frazil giggled. "You're tickly!" She smiled and held her hand out for Road Guy to climb onto, and then raised him to her face. "Oh, your Majesty, it's such a pleasure to meet you! I'm terribly sorry about what happened to your planet, but I can assure you our ship did not fire that weapon."

"Oh, I know that, sweetcakes! It was that _ass-hole_ planet that attacked us! I saw it just before we 'sploded! Now, let's talk about somethin more interestin, somethin' like you and me and a bottle of wine in your cabin, hmmmm?"

Roadie-Wan entered the transporter room and cleared his throat to interrupt. "Ahem! Your Majesty, it is most pleasurable to me to see you well."

"What up, Roadi Wan? Shiiiiiiiiit!" Road Guy jumped down and ran over to Roadwreck. "I know _you_ can figure out what's goin' on 'round here!"

"Absolutely, your highness. Shall we go to the bridge? You may want to help supervise the search for survivors."

"Survivors? Shiiiiiit, brotha! I was the only one on that planet, can't you sense that? Jedi, my Ass!" Road Guy laughed.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 9, 2010)

Road Guy rode the lift to the bridge in the breast pocket of Lt. Commander Frazil's uniform, at his request, as he caught up on old times with Jedi Master Roadie-Wan. Frazil smiled and watched the level display count up. At level 3, two decks below the bridge, the power suddenly went out and the lift stopped sharply, throwing Frazil and Roadie-Wan upward into the ceiling.

A loud explosion sounded, then the red alarm beacon came on.

"You see that shit!?? I told you mutha fudga's!!!! Now you gonna get it too!!!" Road Guy burrowed himself deeper into Frazil's pocket.

The lift started moving again and was soon at the bridge. The door hissed open to reveal a busy scene, lit by the red tactical lighting. Commander Supe was barking orders to the crew. "Snickerd! What's the I.D. on those ships! Dexman! I need a lock on right away!"

Frazil handed Road Guy to Roadie-Wan and rushed to her station.

"Commander Frazil! Where the hell were you! Get on the comms and block all frequencies! We just got attacked by two fighters, and we need to make sure they don't report our position to their starship, if they haven't already!"

Lt. Snickerd called out. "Sir! The craft that attacked us do not match anything in the database! All I can say for sure is that they are short range fighters, lightly armed!"

Supe rubbed his chin. "What are they doing way out here?"

"Sir!" Dexman reported. "I have pinned down their trajectory! They appear to be headed for that small moon!"

Roadie-Wan peered at the image in the forward tactical window. "That's no moon!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 9, 2010)

"Roadie-Wan, if you don't have anything useful to contribute, could you at least get out of the way??!!! I can't even see it on the screen!" Supe had little patience for Jedis. Roadwreck moved to the side of the bridge. "Oh, shit! He's right! What the hell is that?! Snickerd! Zoom in on that thing!"

"See??!!! I told you mutha fudga's!!! You betta start shootin' Phil Collinses at that thang, or turn yo ass around and get the fudge out of Dodge, NOW!!!!" Road Guy had climbed to the top of Roadie Wan's head.

The big screen zoomed slowly in on the object, but it was still very distant and appeared only as a dim, spherical, planetary body.

"Is that a skull and crossbones?" Asked Supe, again rubbing his chin, peering at the dim image. "Adjust contrast, and go to infrared, Snickerd."

Lt. Snickerd made some adjustments and the image intensified, revealing a very distinct skull and crossbones marking covering the entire visible face of the planet.

"Jebus! What in the hell is that thing!" Supe dropped his hand from his chin and gripped the control panels on the arm of the command chair.

_"It's a pirate planet!" _ Said Roadie-Wan, gravely.

"Shut the fudge up!" Supe bit his lower lip and thought for a moment. "This can't be good. Lt. Flyer! Turn the ship around and get us the hell out of here!"

"Aye, aye, Captain!" Lt. Flyer took hold of the ship's control yoke, and the ship began to tilt as it banked away from its current trajectory. The hum of the sub-warp engines intensified, and the ship began to vibrate from the strain of the engines as they began the process of reversing its tremendous forward momentum.

"Uh, Captain, she..." Flyer strained at the controls, and began flipping switches furiously. "She isn't slowing, sir!"

"Well then, get the Engineer on the comm and get us more power, dammit!" Supe barked.

"Bigray! You've got to give us more power!!!" Flyer keyed the intercom on his panel. The ship began to shudder more violently, and the humming of the engines intensified.

"I'm giving you all she's got, Mister Flyer!!!" replied Chief Engineer Bigray, from the intercom. Clipboards and other loose objects began to fall to the floor. A panel fell from the ceiling above Snickerd's station and knocked her out.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 9, 2010)

"It's no use, Supe." Roadie-Wan said, calmly. "The pirate planet has caught us in its sucktor beam."

Supe thought rapidly. "Well then, we'll call the crew to arms!"

"You can't fight them, Commander. They are far too many for this crew."

The ship continued to shudder violently. An electrical panel near Dexman exploded in sparks. Supe looked around.

"You're right," Supe swore. "Damn You, Jedi! Flyer, shut off propulsion! Snickerd, sound the alarm, and I'll address the crew!"

"Snickerd's unconscious, sir!"

"My bad! Frazil, can you handle that for me?"

Just then, the bridge lift hissed open. Captain sschell strolled in with Doctor Benbones. The sound of the engines spooled down, and the vibrating stopped. "What'd I miss?"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 9, 2010)

"Fudge you, sschell!" Road Guy boomed, from the top of Roadie-Wan's head.

"Oh, hey, what's up King Road Guy! Heh heh." schell waved to the Gerbil King. Road Guy gave him this middle finger.

"Captain! Our ship has been caught by the sucktor beam coming from that unidentified planet!" Executive Officer Supe pointed at the forward tactical display, which was now filled with the image of a rugged, rocky planet that was distinctly marked with the pale sign of the skull and crossbones across its visible face.

"Jebus!" sschell shuddered. "What's the plan?"

"Sir, I have taken the advice of the Jedi: we can't fight our way out of this. I was just about to address the crew and prepare them for surrender."

"Surrender??!! Hell! We will fight them to the death!!" Sschell raised a fist in the air, but was met with nothing but the sound of the groans and pops of the hull as the ship entered the pirate planet's gravitational field. The crew stared back at him, wide-eyed and silent.

Supe finally spoke. "After you, sir." He handed sschell a phaser rifle from the bridge weapons rack.

"What, me? Fudge that! Give me the microphone!" sschell took the intercom mike from Frazil and cleared his throat:

"Good afternoon! This is your Captain speaking. If you look out the windows to the port side of the ship, you can see the Gerbil Star Omicron Prime. It's truly a unique star, being only about ten kilometers in diameter, yet with the mass of forty suns! Isn't that amazing?! To the starboard is the, uh, Habitrail Nebula, which is composed of the old outer shells of Omicron Prime, and is really quite special in itself." Sshell paused and cleared his throat again.

"And if you look forward, you will see the pirate planet, which has caught us in its sucktor beam, and is now pulling us to our imminent deaths. Now, I suggest you all put your heads between your knees, and reflect on your lives. It's been an honor to be your Captain. Uh... Amen."

Sschell returned the mike to Frazil, clapped his hands, and addressed the bridge crew. "I don't know about you guys, but I thought that was pretty good, huh?"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 9, 2010)

"Now, what should _we_ do!" sschell retrieved a key from inside his uniform shirt and strolled over to the Pilot's station, flipping open the large transparent cover on a red button labeled "EMERGENCY BRIDGE JETTISON"

"Sir! You can't be serious! You wouldn't abandon your crew like that, would you?!" Supe was horrified.

Roadie-Wan stepped forward. "sschell, the sucktor beam has us, no matter how many pieces we might break into. Your fate would be the same as your crew. I have something here that will give you the courage you need to face our new captors."

Roadie-Wan pulled a small bottle from his tunic, and a smile spread across sschell's face. "Oh, yeah! Now you're talkin', Roadie Wan!" Sschell too two small pills from the bottle and swallowed them. "Now listen up! I want everyone looking their best! We shall surrender with honor as Officers of the Galactic Republic Spacefleet!"

The bridge crew snapped to attention and responded in unison, "Aye, aye, Captain!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 9, 2010)

The _GSS Chucktown_ groaned and shook as it decelerated toward the pirate planet's rocky surface. sschell and the crew on the bridge watched the tactical display screens silently as they descended. The rocky surface, which at first appeared barren, began to reveal patterns of civilization. A network of lines connected disturbed-looking areas - possibly cities? As they came closer, it became apparent that the cities and roads were in fact ruins, apparently long abandoned. Craters pockmarked the surface, and the skull-and-crossbones pattern revealed itself to be formed merely from disturbed rock.

The _Chucktown_ descended toward one of larger nodes, which slowly revealed itself to be the ruins of a great city. Shattered stumps of buildings, broken roadways and bridges stretched for as far the sensors could detect in all directions. A large doorway opened beneath them, revealing a massive hangar bay. Roadie Wan looked at the starboard display as they descended past the ground surface into the cavernous bay. The remains of a statue of a woman lay broken on the ground near the door, holding what appeared to be a replica of a torch.

"I sense the presence of something I haven't felt since....." Road Guy ran switfly down from his head and disappeared into the folds of his tunic.

The _Chucktown_ jolted to a halt. The light outside slowly disappeared as the massive hangar bay doors closed above them. Yellow alarm lights spun outside, and a PA system broadcast to them in English: "PLEASE DISEMBARK IN AN ORDERLY FASHION WITH YOUR HANDS RAISED ABOVE YOUR HEADS. ANYONE WHO CARRIES A WEAPON OR ATTEMPTS TO RESIST WILL BE KILLED."


----------



## Dleg (Nov 9, 2010)

Fueled by pharmaceutical courage, Captain sschell led a small delegation out of the bottom hatch of the Chucktown, to negotiate surrender with the Pirate Planet. The PA system continued to repeat its instructions the whole time, as sschell, Supe, Roadie-Wan, Benbones, and Frazil walked across the massive empty space of the hangar, blinded by the floodlights that lit the ship. No pirates, no aliens, no one at all was visible in the hangar, except for them.

Sschell paused to look around. "Where do we go?" The PA announcement reverberated through the hangar, but did not say anything about where to go.

"There?" Frazil pointed at a small door in the distance, which opened briefly to reveal a lighted passageway, and someone - or some thing - moving toward them.

"Yes. There." sschell resumed the march, veering slightly to head toward the now-closed door. The glare of the floodlights prevented them from seeing who or what might have entered the hangar.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 9, 2010)

They walked for what seemed like a half mile, until suddenly a man appeared before them, wearing what looked like a police uniform, and carrying a clipboard and a small folding table, which he promptly assembled, and in a polite, yet firm tone, said "please sign here," as he set down the clipboard.

"What is that?" Asked sschell, approaching the table.

"Vessel quarantine papers, sir. Kindly sign there at the bottom," the man pointed with his finger to the spot, "right there." He then stood back, at attention.

"Can I read it first?" Asked sschell.

"Certainly, sir." The policeman stayed at attention.

sschell read the form for a while. Benbones grew impatient. "Dammit, sschell, what are their terms?!"

"It's just a receipt for the ship, stating that we agree to place it in quarantine while it is fumigated and examined for contraband." sschell looked back at the policeman. "What about the terms of our surrender, sir?"

The policeman raised an eyebrow. "Surrender? I wouldn't know anything about that, sir. I am a Customs officer only."

sschell paused and thought. "Well, what about my crew?"

"Your crew is not required to stay for the quarantine inspection, in fact, sir, they are not allowed to stay during the fumigation, for their safety." The Customs Officer remained at attention.

"Where" sschell hesitated again, "where do we go from here?"

"Immigration, sir. Right through that door over there." The officer turned slightly and gestured to where he had come from. "Sir, if you don't mind, you need to sign this form so we can get started."

sschell held the pen and looked at Roadie-Wan, who just shrugged. :dunno: "Okay." He signed the document and handed the clipboard and pen back to the officer, who folded the table under his arm and walked briskly away.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 9, 2010)

One hour later, the entire 3,000 person crew of the GSS Chucktown was lined up inside the massive, carpeted Immigration room off the side passageway of the hangar. Sschell and the officers stood at the front of the line in their yellow and blue command jerseys. Roadwreck stood with them. There was close to 100 immigration booths, but no immigration officers were present. The _Girl From Ipanema_ played softly from speakers mounted inside the ceiling.

Sschell and Roadie-Wan stood at the head of the line and quietly discussed the signage and confusing, roped passages leading to the booths.

"But dude, it says "Crew". _We're_ crew."

"Sschell, I don't think that's what they mean by "crew". I think we should probably be lined up behind the "Aliens" sign." Roadie-Wan responded.

"Dude! We're not aliens! We're humans!"

"I don't think that's what they mean, sschell..."

A door opened at the far side of the immigration room, and a dozen uniformed immigration officers walked in and took seats at various booths. Two took their places at the booths maked for "crew", nine at the booths marked for "citizens with passports", and one at the "aliens" booth.

"Next, please!" Called the immigration officer seated at the Aliens booth.

"Shit! This is going to take _forever_!" griped Benbones.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 9, 2010)

sschell stepped forward to the counter and faced the Immigration Officer.

"Passport please." The officer was writing something down, and did not look up.

"What?"

The officer looked up, annoyed. "Passport! Passa-Porte? Papers? Come on! I've got thousands of you to process, don't make me taze you, bro!"

sschell pulled out his Spacefleet ID card. "Will this do?"

The officer took the card from him and examined it, and laughed. "Nice! You must be in town for the Trekkie convention! Dumbass! You need to be over there in the Citizens line!" The Officer handed the ID back to him, and returned to his paperwork. "Next!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 10, 2010)

sschell looked back at the line of officers and crew and shrugged, gesturing for them to follow him over to the immigration booths marked "citizens".

"Let me go first this time." Roadie-Wan said, brushing sschell aside and choosing the lone female immigration officer. Road Guy peeked cautiously from inside a fold in Roadie-Wan's hood.

"Ahem." The female immigration officer looked up from her crossword. Roadie-Wan smiled and waved at her, but his smile faded when he saw the harsh look on her face. "Good afternoon, ma'am! I must say, that's a lovely rat tail you have in your hair there! I am a particular fan of the rat tail, see mine is here, and I have these lovely beads that I-"

"Sir! I'm the one asking the questions here sir, if you don't mind!" she said, dripping with hostility and sarcasm. "So would you please shut the fudge up?!"

"Oh, uh, yes. Sorry." The smile left Roadie-Wan's face completely. Road Guy disapeared into the hood.

"What's your business here?"

"Ummmm...." Roadie-Wan thought for a moment. "Vacation?"

"Where will you be staying?"

"Oh, uh, the hotel!"

"What hotel, sir?"

Fudge this, Roadie-Wan thought. "You don't need to ask me any more questions. We are free to go." He waved his hands in the air in front of the immigration officer's face.

"I don't need to ask you any more questions. You are free to go."

"Thank you!" Roadie-Wan smiled again and walked through the immigration booth aisle, casting a quick backwards wink and thumbs-up to sschell and the crew. When he turned to face his direction of travel again he suddenly stopped. "Oh shit!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 10, 2010)

Two customs officers with drug-sniffer dogs stood at both sides of the exit aisle.

"Please don't be alarmed, sir! These are highly disciplined narcotics K-9 officers, they won't harm you."

"Unless, of course, you are carrying any drugs or other contraband" chuckled the other other officer.

Roadie-Wan gulped and looked back. "I- I- I think I forgot something back there..." he began walking backwards.

"Sir! You cannot go back through the immigration line! Sir! Halt!"

sschell had already entered the immigration aisle and had placed his Spacefleet ID card on the counter in front of the rat-tailed officer. "What's the problem, Roadie-Wan?"

"Dogs, sschell. Dogs!"

sschell's face suddenly went white, and his hand shot involuntarily to his side pocket, where it felt the bulge of the bong.

"Oh, shit!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 10, 2010)

The drug dogs had begun barking. "Sir! Turn around and place your hands up!" The customs officers let the dogs move up to where Roadie-Wan was now standing with his hands in the air. Several other customs and immigration officers began to walk toward the commotion, hands on their holstered weapons.

The dogs sniffed all around Roadie-Wan's robes, and then began barking and wagging their tails after finding their target. One of the customs officers who had rushed over began patting Roadie-Wan, and quickly found the ornate golden bowl of Wookie Wowie in his pocket.

"Well, well, what do we have here?" Said the overweight, red-faced officer, with a smile of obvious satisfaction on his face. "I'll just be keeping that, now!"

The K-9 officers pulled the dogs back and motioned Roadie-Wan to exit the immigration aisle.

"Wha- What?! I'm free to go?" Roadie-Wan, still terrified, was dumbfounded.

"Sir! You are not allowed to bring foreign agricultural products with you. We are required to confiscate such contraband and destroy it. You may not have it back, sir. Move along!"

Roadie-Wan walked past the officers with some hesitation. Behind him, sschell had already removed the bong and had handed it over to the red-faced officer. But the dogs continued barking, and strained at their leashes, attempting to follow Roadie-Wan.

"Sir! Please stop! We need to check you again!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 10, 2010)

The red-faced customs officer again patted Roadie-Wan down, this time finding what appeared to be a large Swiss Army knife. He handled it curiously. "Sir, what is this?"

Roadie-Wan stopped himself from grabbing it back. It was his most prized possession. "Careful there! That's my Swiss Army Sabre! I built that myself at Jedi camp when I was twelve! It has no agricultural content, now, please, give it back!"

The red faced officer scoffed. "Fudgin' nerd. Seriously, what does this thing do?" He handed it back to Roadie-Wan.

"Here, let me show you." Roadie-Wan began explaining the workings of his Swiss Army Sabre, taking pleasure in the interest of the Customs officer. "This here is the super Jedi magnifying lens. Watch this!" Roadie-Wan extracted a small lens from the tool, and focused the pale flourescent light of the immgration room onto the laminate desk-top next to the officer. A small line of smoke began to rise. "See that? It's fifty times more efficient than an ordinary glass maginfying lens. You should see what this can do in the light of an Alderan-class star!" Roadie-Wan chuckled impressively.

The customs officer laughed. "Jebus Christ! What's that thing?" He pointed to a helix-shaped object on the other side of the tool. "A wine bottle opener?"

"Why, yes! You've seen one of these before?" Roadie-Wan was amazed.

"Yeah." Responded the officer, who had grown tired of this. "OK, that's enough, Obie-Wan"

"It's Roadie-Wan, actually"

"Whatever. Move along. I need to check Captain Kirk now"

"Captain sschell, actually"

"Seriously. Shut the fudge up."

But the dogs started barking at Roadie-Wan, again.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 10, 2010)

"Aw, Jebus! Now what, Obie-Wan?" The red faced customs officer motioned to the K-9 officers to approach. "Why don't you just hand it over, whatever it is. You're not leaving until we collect all your contraband."

Road Guy burrowed into the hood even deeper, causing to Roadie-Wan to wiggle involuntarily as he tickled his neck.

"Hey, ow!" Roadie-Wan adusted his tunic. "I mean, I don't have any contraband, I may go now." Roadie-Wan waved his hand in front of the officer's face.

"He doesn't have any contraband, he may - hey, wait a minute, why are the dogs barking?! Why am I even _beginning_ to fall for your Star Wars bullshit, you fudging little geek!? Hands up!" The red-faced officer reached up and began patting down Roadie-Wan's hood. "Oh, I see! What the fudge do we have here?" He got hold of the wriggling Road Guy through the folds of the tunic's hood. "We got ourselves an _entity_ here, boys!"

"ENTITY MY ASS, MUTHA FUDGA!" Road Guy leapt from the hood and tore off the Customs Officer's head, unleashing a shower of blood. Roadie-Wan fell the the floor and covered his head. Loud alarm sirens sounded and blast doors came crashing down on all the exits of the Immigration Room. Road Guy hopped from Customs Officer to Customs Officer, tearing off heads and cursing profusely. "YOU DONE UNLEASHED THE FURY OF THE GERBIL KING, MUTHA FUDGAS!!!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 10, 2010)

Automated stun-gun mounts lowered swiftly from the ceiling, and within seconds had locked on to the rampaging Gerbil. Three of them fired their stun beams almost simultaneously, sending the blood-soaked Road Guy to the floor, mid-flight between the last decapitated Customs Officer and the rat-tailed immigration woman, who recovered quickly and shouted "It's down!"

A squad of officers wearing padded, ventilated isolation suits rushed out of a door behind the immigration booths, and quickly locked Road guy away in a heavy, ventilated metal box, and carried him out of the room.

Roadie-Wan and sschell stood slowly, wiping the blood from their faces in shock at the ferocity and horror of what had just happened. Over 12 decapitated Customs Officers and two drug dogs littered the floor around them, still twitching and bleeding.

Another door opened, and a man in a short-sleeve shirt and tie walked out, surveyed the scene, then put his hands on his hips and said, sternly, "Someone's gonna have to pay for this shit. You there!"

Roadie-Wan looked around behind himself, then mouthed "me?"

"Yes, you! And Captain sschell, and Commander Supe! Get over here now!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 10, 2010)

Sschell, Supe, and Roadwreck followed the managerial looking man sheepishly into his office across from the row of Immigration booths. Another manager entered, followed by a crew of janitors. "Get those bodies to the incinerator! And you there! Call the carpet cleaners!" The man was clearly irritated by this turn of events. He looked angrily at the Immigration officers, still seated in their booths in shock, and shouted. "What the fudge are you waiting for! Get the rest of these people processed! Pronto!" And with that, he turned around.

Benbones could take it no longer. "Excuse me, sir! Sir! I am talking to you!" The man turned around. "Are you just going to let these people die?"

"Their fudging heads are torn off! Don't waste my time!" He turned and continued walking back to his office.

"Barbarians!" Benbones was fuming now. "Their bodies are still warm! If you aren't going to give them medical attention, then at least let my team re-attach their heads!"

The manager laughed. "Whatever!" And then he returned to his office, with a gesture that Benbones took to mean approval.

"Come on, team, lets get to those bodies. You there!" An Immigration Officer pointed to himself and looked around. "Yes, you! Give us a hand matching heads to bodies! The last thing I need is a malpractice suit on a foreign planet for mixing up heads. Been there, done that!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 10, 2010)

The Immigration Officer walked gingerly over to where Benbones and his team were setting up their tools.

"Well, come on, man! Don't be squeemish! It's just blood! Give me a head and body!"

The Immigration Officer covered his mouth and looked. "Oh God! There, that's Mike!" He pointed to a head, and one of Benbone's nurses picked it up and carried it over to another Nurse who was kneeling beside a body with a name tag that identified it as "Mike". "You guy's are able to reattach heads now?"

"Of course! This is first year medical school stuff! They even teach this in Nursing programs now!" Benbones said, crossly. "Come on, man! Don't stop now! We don't have much time before they begin neurodegeneration!"

A couple more Immigration Officers came over to help match bodies and heads.

"You there! Rat tail! Help me with this one" The rat-tailed immigration woman lifted a bloody head and knelt beside Benbones and one of the nurses. "Just press his head onto his neck stump there..." the head squished wetly into place. "Not that way! Are you insane?! That's backwards! There you go!" Benbones then held a small instrument up to the jagged neck seam and pressed a button. A beam of light shot into the wound, and a pungent smoke rose as he ran the instrument around the periphery of the neck, reattaching the head. Meanwhile, the nurse inserted an IV and bag into the man's arm.

"I need some water over here! Anyone! Go get some water from the cooler over there!" The nurse called. "Instant blood," she explained to rat-tail. Another officer arrived with a bottle of water, which the nurse then poured into the bag and then handed it to rat-tail. "Here, hold this!"

The man suddenly sputtered and coughed up some blood, and took a deep, ragged breath. "This one will be OK. Let's get to the next one!" Benbones and the nurse moved their equipment rapidly to the next head-body combination. Rat tail girl looked on in amazement, then looked down at the recently re-attached head.

"What the fudge just happened to me?! Why does my neck hurt?"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 10, 2010)

The necktied manager thrust a clipboard across his desk toward sschell, Supe, and Roadie-Wan. "Here. This is my estimate of your ship's value. Sign at the bottom."

Sschell looked at the bottom line - $30.5 Trillion Dollars - and asked "What is this? I don't understand? I thought we were surrendering our ship to your government?"

"Government?! We don't have a fudging government here! This isn't one of your Socialist Slave States!" The man practically spit the words out. "This is my estimate of the worth of your starship, the GSS Chucktown. Wilheldburton Holdings, Incorporated, has acquired your ship and will now pay you in direct relation to its fair market value!" He said, angrily, and added "minus witholdings for immigration and customs clearance, security force expenses, cleaning, and of course the employees that your alien killed."

The trio stared blankly back at the man. Roadie-Wan spoke next. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we may have gotten off on the wrong foot. My name is Master Roadwreck, Official Ambassador of the Jedi Council. This is Captain James T. Sschell, and Commander William Supe." Roadie-Wan bowed politely. Sschell and Supe held their hands out in greeting.

The manager softened a bit, and reached into his desk drawer and pulled out three business cards. "I'm sorry. This has been a shitty day. You're not my first acquisition of the day, you know." He handed his cards across the table. "Chaz McMurtry, Deputy Assistant Acquisitions Manager, Wilheldburton Transportation Industries, Port of New Yorkington sub-branch."

Supe looked at the card. His name was printed as "Chaz 'Speedy' 'Ox' McMurtry". "Is your nickname 'Speedy' or 'Ox'?"

The manager smiled, embarassed, "Actually both. But, that's really just for my friends."

"Well, we're your friends, Speedy Ox" Roadie-Wan smiled as he waved his hands in front of Speedy Ox's face.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"Heh,heh. Yeah. You guys are awesome!" Speedy smiled and took the clipboard back and began erasing. "Here's what I can do for you. Thirty Five Trillion, and we'll waive the death costs. Most of those guys were working Customs to pay back the company for bad loans anyway, and half of them were still on probation and weren't yet eligible for restitution benefits." Speedy slid the clipboard back toward sschell.

"Actually, Speedy Ox, what we really want is our ship back," smiled Roadie-Wan, once again waving his hand across the space in front of Speedy's face.

Speedy smiled and laughed again. "Okay, okay. I understand. We can certainly do that for you." He removed the sheet from the clipboard and inserted a different form, and began writing. "I'll give you the full thirty five on the trade in. Heh heh, just don't be telling my boss about that one, okay?" He smiled insanely at Roadie Wan. "That leaves you on the hook for just fifteen. We take Mastercard and Visa, and we also accept purchase orders." He slid the clipboard across the table again and twirled his tie. "Heh heh!"

Roadie-Wan was no longer smiling. He waved his hand in front of Speedy's face again. "We don't have that kind of money. We will be taking our ship back for free. It is _our_ ship, this was all a big misunderstanding."

Speedy stared blankly back at Roadie-Wan, saying nothing for a moment. "Oh.... I see. Well, we do have payment plans available to fit a variety of budgets."

Roadie-Wan sat back into his chair, letting out a hard sigh of exasperation. sschell spoke up next. "What kind of payment plans?"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"Okay everybody! Quiet, please!" Captain sschell addressed the 3,000 person crew, who were milling about in the holding room just beyond the Immigration booths. "I have a proposition for you!" The crew slowly quieted down to listen. "We can take our ship and leave this planet, but only if we first agree to work for the Pirate Planet for a period of two years, in order to pay our debt."

_"What debt!" _ members of the ship's crew began murmuring loudly and shouting objections. _ "That's fudging bullshit!" "It's OUR ship!" "Fudge these pirates!"_

"Shut your filthy holes and listen to the Captain!" Supe yelled, standing next to sschell with Roadie-Wan.

"Now, now, everybody stay calm!" sschell continued, "we were captured by the pirates, fair and square. This is actually a pretty good deal!"

The crew murmured loudly again. "_What's the deal!" "Fudge you, sschell!" "Traitor!"_

"It's pretty simple, really!" sschell wrung his hands as he spoke. "All we have to do is sign a two-year contract with the Acquisitions Department of Wilheldburton Holdings, Incorporated."

_"Acquisitions?" "You mean we're going to be pirates!?" "Booooooo!"_

Speedy Ox sauntered up beside sschell, smiling and waving, carrying a thick stack of papers under one arm.

"Guys, please! Wilheldburton is actually a pretty good company! I've negotiated a pretty decent healthcare package along with the deal, and two weeks unpaid vacation per year!"

_"Boooooo!" "You suck!" "I want to hear what XO Supe thinks!"_

Supe stepped forward. "This is entirely voluntary! Personally, I am not signing! I do not want to violate my Spacefleet Oath! I have been assured that any member of the crew who chooses not to sign, may stay as a free man here on ..." Supe looked over at Speedy Ox and asked a question, then returned to the crew. "Earth!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

The murmuring continued for a while. Eventually, the crew quieted down a bit, and Chief Engineer Bigray stepped forward and spoke. "Sir, the crew would like to know what, if any, accommodations will be made for safe return to Croissant for crew members who wish to decline?"

sschell cleared his throat and resumed the hand-wringing. "Um, actually, there will be no return to Croissant. Anyone who stays behind will stay here on ... Err- rath."

The crew erupted into shouting. Bigray motioned for them to quite down. "What accommodations will be made for those that stay here on this planet, then?"

"None. Anyone who stays behind will become a resident of ... Errath-" Speedy Ox nudged sschell and whispered into his ear. "Earth, I mean, with all the freedoms and responsibilities of every other ... Earth resident. Any questions?" he added, hastily.

The crew began shouting again, and only stopped after Bigray shouted back at them. "Sir, please, the crew respectfully reminds you that these so-called accommodations violate the Geonosis Convention! Every member of the crew is entitled to a prompt return to his or her planet of origin, or Croissant, whichever is nearer!" The crew shouted in agreement.

Speedy Ox stepped forward, an angry expression on his face, and retrieved a gun-like object from his pocket. He pointed it toward the crew and pulled the trigger, and a concentrated low-frequency sound beam momentarily stunned them by causing their lungs to forcibly exhale. The crew dropped to the floor in unison.

"THERE WILL BE NO ENTITLEMENTS!!!" he spat, breathing heavily and looking wildly about at the stricken crew.

He pocketed the sound gun and smiled again. "I will now distribute contracts to serve in the Acquisitions Department, as members of the crew of the WHS Chucktown. Those who do not wish to join your Captain in honorable service to the Corporation, max exit out of the main doors." Two Immigration officers opened a wide set of double doors.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

The crew rushed Speedy Ox, eager to sign on, many muttering that there was no way in hell they would stay back on such a barren planet to be left to their own devices.

"WAIT!!!" Lt. Commander Frazil shouted, stopping everyone in their tracks. "What happened to King Road Guy?"

sshell again began wringing his hands, and cleared his throat. "Road Guy was taken by another corporation, um..." he looked at Speedy Ox, who handed him a card. "Reverse Engineering Partners, Ltd. A wholly-owned subsidiary of.... Wilheldburton Holdings, Inc."

"Does he get the same choice we are getting?" Frazil asked, but the rest of the crew did not care, and crowded around Speedy Ox, blocking Frazil from speaking any further with sschell. She pushed her way toward the open double doors. Supe, Roadie-Wan, and Benbones were the only ones there.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"So, guys, we're it?" Frazil asked them.

"Let's wait a while. Maybe some more will join us." Supe responded, looking intently around the crowd, but all he could see was the backs of blue, red, and yellow uniforms, most of them seated now, filling out their new contract forms.

"So quick to turn their backs on their oaths. Idiots!" Benbones said, in disgust.

"Why did you stay, Roadie-Wan?" Frazil asked the Jedi.

"I wish to take no part in piracy, however, that is not the reason I stayed." He turned to face her, hands folded into the front of his robes. "First and foremost, we need to rescue King Road Guy. Once we have him, I believe it should be no difficult matter to find a ride off of this planet. They will do anything for money here, you know, or even the promise of money." He smiled slyly. "Second, since we have arrived I have sensed the presence of ... something ... I have not felt in a very long time. I hope you three do not mind, but once we find our ride, I will need to be making a side trip to the Dago-bah system."

Supe turned to face him, and said, enthusiastically, "to see Master Gore-da?"

"Yes. I think he might be able to make sense of all this. Come, let's go. No one else will be joining us."

The four walked out the wide double doors, past the rental car booths, and out of the spaceport into the wide, cavernous underground world of Earth.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!" A small voice came running up behind them as they exited.

"Padawan! I thought you were going to stay with sschell!?" Roadie-Wan turned to face kevo.

"Please, Master Roadie-Wan! Take me with you!"

"Kevo, I have trained you well. Misguided as he may be, sschell will need a Jedi aboard to keep him and the Chucktown out of trouble. Besides, I need you there. Don't lose this!" Roadie-Wan handed kevo his Jedi communicator. "But never let anyone see you using it!"

A tear rolled down kevo's cheek. "Oh, Master! I don't know if I'm ready for this!"

"Honestly, neither am I. But things have gotten weird, kevo. And when things get weird, kevo..."

"I know, I know... the weird turn pro."

"Correct!" Roadie-Wan bowed. "May The Farce be with you, Jedi Knight Kevo!"

Kevo beamed with pride. "Jedi Knight?!"

"Well, technically I still have to clear this with Master Windex, and there is still that matter of the trashed hotel room on Alderan, but... yes! Jedi Knight!"

Kevo turned and ran back toward the Immigration room. "You won't regret this, Roadie-Wan! I promise you!"

"I kind of doubt that!" Roadie-Wan said quietly, through his forced smile.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

They emerged from the last set of doors onto a sidewalk alongside a busy roadway. Electric hoverbuses and hovertaxis zipped by in both directions. A stony ceiling could be seen high above them, with bright, flourescent lights suspended from it, that cast everything in a pale-greenish, flickering, yet evenly-lit glare. The air smelled of burning plastic, rotting garbage, and human wastes. All four began coughing and gagging immediately, and the beeping of low oxygen alarms rang from their sensor badges.

"Jebus Christ! This is awful!" Benbones reached into his medical bag and pulled out a small respirator, and handed one to each of the others.

"That's better." Said Supe, somewhat muffled through the polymer mask.

"TAXI!" Roadie-Wan flagged down a yellow hovercar, which stopped swiftly, and opened a door. "Can you take us to Reverse Engineering Partners Limited, kind sir?"

"Get in." came the gruff reply, from a big man seated at the controls.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

While the Chucktown's crew were busy filling out their contracts for Acquisitions Service, Speedy Ox was explaining to Captain sschell the process for filling the vacancies in his command.

"So, I get to interview and choose the prisoners myself, right?" asked sschell. Flyer looked on; sschell had asked the conn officer to fill in as Executive Officer in the absence of Supe.

"Captain sschell," Speedy Ox was no longer quite so friendly, without the influence of Roadie-Wan's Jedi mind control. "For the last fudging time. They are not _'prisoners'_ they are _'debtors'_."

"Yeah, but they're incarcerated in _'Debtor's Prison'_, so doesn't that make them _'Prisoners'_?"

"Tell you what, how bout you just shut the fudge up and follow me. I've already posted the vacancies on their site, and let's see..." Speedy Ox pulled out a small communicator device. "You already have over four thousand applicants."

"For three jobs!?"

"Four! We're replacing your Jedi, as well."

"You have Jedis in prison?"

"_Debtor's Prison!_ There's a difference, dammit!"

sshcell and Flyer followed Speedy Ox outside the room, through a series of winding, concrete corridors, and finally into a massive parking garage. Speedy Ox pulled out a set of keys and pressed a button. A hovercar halfway down the nearest row beeped and flashed its hazards.

"That's my baby, right there!" Speedy Ox smiled with pride. "You guys are lucky I'm letting you ride with me. I've only had her for three days!"

Flyer walked around behind the aerodynamic-looking, candy-apple red vehicle. "Wilheld Motors Camaro... is this a good car?"

Speedy Ox stopped and looked up at him, irritated. "Good car!? What the fudge are you talking about! This is a kick-ass car! You won't believe the pussy this car is going to be getting me!" He sat in the drivers seat and put the keys in the ignition. "Listen to that power!" He revved the electric motor, letting out an ear-piercing whine. "Eh?"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

They cruised quietly out of the parking garage and out onto the main highway.

"This baby rocks, huh?" Speedy Ox looked at them with obvious pride.

"Oh, yeah." sschell humored him, while looking outside at the rock ceilings and pale fluorescent lighting that illuminated the highway leaving the airport. "Is everything underground here?"

"Fudge yeah! There's barely any atmosphere up top anymore. Things rock down here, anyway!" Speedy Ox tapped on the steering wheel and turned up the music.

"What is that we're listening to?" yelled sschell.

"Classical music, man! Classical! This here is Justin Bieber!"

sschell looked back at Flyer. Flyer grimaced in pain. The spaceport highway spilled onto a major arterial, and they merged with the heavy traffic. They were in a much large cavern now, and gray concrete buildings could be seen on both sides of the road, many of them brightly lit with neon signs, but obscured by the heavy smog.

"The air quality in here doesn't seem too good..." sschell shouted.

Speedy Ox turned the volume down. "Yeah, but this baby's got its own oxygen generation unit! I'm tellin you, you are NOT going to believe the pussy I will be getting in this thing!" He gave a little air-guitar flourish on the steering wheel. "Besides, this is the low-class district. You work in management, and you can move up into one of the middle-class caverns. The rent includes oxygen! These poor suckers out here get to breath our exhaust! Ha ha! Maybe if you guys do well in acquisitions, you can qualify for an apartment in a lower middle class neighborhood, maybe even straight middle class, like me!"

"You're all class, that's for sure, Speedy Ox!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

The car turned off at an exit and headed toward a brightly illuminated red and Yellow sign. "McWilheld's?" sschell asked, confused.

"Yeah." Speedy Ox slowed and turned into the parking lot. "I'm not buying, just so you know! This is just where the top applicant for replacement Jedi happens to be working."

"Wait, what?"

Speedy Ox had already parked and was out the door, walking very quickly toward the entrance to McWilheld's. A wave of foul-smelling, smoky air filled the Camaro. "Jebus!" sschell coughed, followed by Flyer. "Hurry up!" He opened the passenger door and rushed for the entrance, leaving Flyer struggling for breath, trying to fold the passenger seat forward so he could exit.

Speedy Ox was already talking to the McWilheld's manager at the orders counter when they entered. He motioned to them to follow him around to the rear of the establishment, into the doors marked for restrooms, and then through a greasy door marked "Employees Only." The passed by a bank of deep fryers, and then through a stainless steel door into the manager's cramped office. The manager was waiting for them there.

"Just wait here, and I'll go unlock him and bring him to you."

Speedy Ox, sschell, and Flyer took seats in the office and looked around. There was nothing but a desk, four chairs, a dirty couch, a file cabinet, and a calendar on the wall that showed a picture of a bikini-clad woman walking on a white sandy beach.

"Willy World Tropical Paradise" Flyer read the calendar. "What's that?"

"That," responded Speedy Ox, "is where I will be going next February!" He pointed to himself proudly. "All I need is 120 more acquisitions, and at the rate I'm going, that's in the bag!"

The door opened and the McWilheld's manager entered, leading a uniformed fry cook by a set of handcuffs. He sat the fry cook down on the dirty couch, extended the chain, and locked it to a steel eyebolt on the floor.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"Dude, what's with the mask?" sschell laughed.

"It's just his thing." Answered the manager, with a dismissive wave of his hand. The fry cook wore a heavy, black, rubbery-looking mask with what looked like two small, pointy ears on top. His eyes glared silently from two holes just large enough to allow him to see.

"Is he?" sschell hesitated, and directed his question to the fry cook. "Are you wearing black makeup around your eyes?" The fry cook stared back, expressionless. "I mean, I only ask because you're mouth, um, area is totally exposed and shows that you're a white guy. Doesn't that ruin the effect for you?"

The fry cook did not reply, but stared, unblinking, back at sschell.

Speedy Ox cleared his throat and opened the folder the manager had handed to him. "This is The Dark Knight. Dark Knight, this is Captain sschell and ... " he looked at Flyer, hesitating.

"Lt. Commander Flyer. Pleasure." Flyer extended his hand. The Dark Knight shook it, and turned to shake sschell's hands as well.

"Good! So you _are_ a Jedi!" the Dark Knight stared back, somewhat quizically. "So, what are you in here for?" sschell laughed.

"Damages." The Dark Knight replied, emotionless.

"Huh?"

"He trashed an entire office building." Explained the McWilheld's manager. "So now, Mr. 'Hero,'" he paused for sarcastic effect, making quotation gestures in the air, "gets to work for McWilheld's for the next, what is it now? Twenty years?"

The Dark Knight's eyes had never left sschell. "Where is your starship headed?"

sschell paused. "Um..." he looked at Speedy Ox.

"That's classified. Acquisitions." Speedy Ox turned his gaze back to his papers.

"Pirates, huh?" The Dark Knight straightened. "Go to hell!"

"It will reduce your sentence to two years." Answered Speedy Ox, handing a contract to him, which the Dark Knight signed without further comment or question.

(p. 20, post 976)


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"Not much company, is he?" chuckled Speedy Ox, as they re-entered the freeway from the on-ramp. The Dark Knight sat stiffly in the back seat, saying nothing, his hands still cuffed in front of him.

"Where to now, Speedy?" Asked sschell.

"They've already chosen a replacement for your X.O. We're going to go pick him up."

"What? I thought you said I was going to get to choose?" sschell asked, confused.

"No, I said you would get to choose your Jedi."

"But I didn't choose my Jedi, you just handed the guy the contract before I even had a chance to say anything!"

"Well, you didn't object, did you?" Speedy Ox turned up the Justin Bieber to drown out any further conversation. sschell looked out the window, as they passed a seemingly endless ghetto of stained, gray concrete buildings and neon signs. He saw several that read "24 Hour Pawn", a few that read "Checks Cashed Here", dozens of bars, and a few "Girls Girls Girls".

Speedy exited from the elevated freeway again and descended into the slums. The lower-level streets were filled with pedestrians from an obviously lower class of society than they had seen at McWilheld's, which admittedly was not very high to begin with. The streets appeared to be lined with cardboard boxes that people were actively living in. People in rags, obvious prostitutes, and low-class street gangsters seemed to be the sole residents of this area.

They passed by several pawn shops, strip clubs, and check cashing establishments before the trash thinned out a bit, and gradually a few pedestrians could be seen wearing cleaner clothes. A few even wore respirators and small oxygen tanks.

"Here's the place." Speedy pulled to the curb in front of a neon sign that read 'The Captain's Lounge.' "Careful with your wallets." He opened the door and rushed through the front door of the bar, leaving sschell and Flyer struggling to get out of the Camaro behind him again. The Dark Knight followed silently.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

The inside of the bar was dim and filled with cigarette smoke, but the air quality was significantly better than outside. The decor was tacky; dark red, dirty velvet cushions on deep, private booths, dingy brass rails, chipped marble tabletops. A spiral staricase with a tarnished brass rail led to several booths lining a darkened, unused balcony. There were only a few customers. An older man polished beer mugs behind the bar. He looked up and smiled as they walked in.

"Dark Knight! Great to see you! How did you get away?!"

"Worley." The Dark Knight acknowledged him and moved silently to the bar and sat down, putting his shackled hands in front of him.

Speedy Ox slapped The Dark Knight across his shoulders with the file he held in his hands. "Hey! I'm not buying anything!"

sschell had been about to sit down, but remained standing after the warning. The bartender extended his arm across the bar.

"Captain Worley! I'd offer you a drink myself, but I still owe too much..." He held his left hand up in the air, revealing the long cable attached to the stainless steelf wrist cuff.

"Captain sschell!" sschell smiled and shook his hand. "This is Lt. Commander Flyer, our conn officer." Flyer shook his hand.

A voice came from the darkness at the end of the bar. "Put whatever they want on my tab, Admiral."


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"Yes, sir, Mr. President!" Captain Worley, retired Vice Admiral, immediately set to work pouring each of his guests a glass of fine Scotch.

Speedy Ox slapped his file on the bar angrily. "None for me, thanks. I don't accept handouts from _tyrants_!" He sneered, and glared at the man at the end of the bar.

A flame appeared in the darkness where the man sat, momentarily reflecting off the two small lenses of the man's glasses. He then stood and stepped into the light, revealing an aging face, and walked slowly up and put a hand on Speedy's shoulder.

"Now, now, Speedy. No need to be so testy! Worley, get this man his favorite anyway." Worley nodded and reached into the refrigerator under the bar, then poured a pink, frozen concoction into a tall glass, inserted an umbrella and a cherry on a plastic sword, and handed it to Speedy.

The man with the glasses stepped around behind them and took The Dark Knight's hand. "Good to see you, DK! I hope you take this assignment. I know everything associated with Wilheldburton is crap, but you need to get out of that fast food shithole before you kill the manager."

"Yeah, I know. I've already accepted." The Dark Knight sat back down and lifted his scotch.

The man in the glasses held his hand out for sschell, next. "The name's Dleg, friend."

sschell turned and shook his hand. "Captain James T. Sschell! Say, why did he call you 'Mr. President'? I thought this was an anarcho-capitalist planet, ruled only by the free market? That's what Speedy told me, anyway."

"Free market! Ha! There is no such thing!" Dleg took a seat at an empty stool between him and Flyer. "Nope. Never worked. I mean, I truly believe Wilheld genuinely thought it would, but it didn't." Dleg took a draft from his cigarette and motioned towards Captain Worley, who reached under the counter and then handed him a cold, green bottle of beer labled 'Williken's'. "Sorry, I suppose none of this makes any sense. I'll try to explain it as briefly as possible. Close your ears, Speedy." Dleg and Worley laughed, and then he began to tell sschell and Flyer the history of Earth.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

He explained to them the story of the inter-dimensional rift that had resulted in the destruction of his former country and the creation of a new universe called Middle West. With Worley's help, he then told the story of how Worley's ship, the _USS Clinton_, had taken back the country and then how he had unified the entire planet of Earth under one government, which had only been made possible because of the shock the inhabitants of the Earth had fallen into upon learning that the Earth had been cut loose from it's gravitational bond with their home star; a tragic side effect of the temporo-spacial shifts caused by the string accelerator that had been used to close off a third universe, inhabited by an evil being and an equally evil artificial intelligence.

He explained how loosened trade regulations had allowed a former war hero to build a corporation so vast that it became impossible for any other private entity to compete, and how this monopoly had eventually dominated politics and bombarded public opinion to the point that the people of Earth willingly voted to end all government and hand over control to private corporations.

"So that's Wilheldburton Holdings?" sschell asked.

"Yes. They own everything, now. There were a number of competitors, but no one could resist the buy-out deals Wilheld offered. He just had too much money."

"But... How did this planet become a pirate planet, you know, able to actually move around like a ship? How did you guys come up with Warp Drive? I see no signs that your civilization is advanced enough to have come up with that on your own. Did you capture a Spacefleet command ship? Or were you guys somewhere out here on the Outer Rim to begin with?"

"Well, that's the really interesting thing about all of this!" Dleg set his beer down and extinguished his cigarette. "The Earth can barely even propel itself - all our propulsion, and all our power comes purely from the radioactive decay of the planet's core. That's hardly enough to even move us at what you call 'sub-warp' speeds. No. The way we do it is through the string accelerator technology I explained earlier. That's how Wilheld made his initial fortune."

"Huh?"

"The Earth moves around through space..." Dleg paused. "... and time...." he paused again and smiled "and universes. We're not even from your universe. By our reference points, you guys exist in a place that is far, far away, and long, long ago." He laughed, and Worley joined in.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

sschell stared back. "I need to smoke something. I'm assuming that's legal here, right? I mean, you guys don't have any laws around here."

Dleg leaned back. "Well, sure! Everything is legal here! Worley there can set you up with whatever you want."

"Hey hey hey!" Speedy Ox put his umbrella drink down. "There's certainly no laws against anything here, but your contract prohibits you from partaking of any number of narcotics identified under subpart FF of your employment terms. You're in a sensitive position, operating expensive and dangerous equipment. You fail a hair scan, you're in violation of your contract and you're off to debtor's prison!"

"Geeze, this place is just loads of fun!" Sschell stared back at Speedy. "What's the freaking point of all that chaos outside, if you aren't even free to smoke a joint once in a while?!"

"Hey, fudge you, you socialist prick!" Speedy Ox stood and jabbed his fingers into his chest. "_I_ don't pay any taxes. Yep! That's right! Every penny I make is mine! So what if I have to accept a few responsibilities in order to have a decent job? Tell me, sschell, how much of your paycheck do you get to take home with you, huh?"

sschell snickered. "Uh, all of it?" Flyer, Dleg, and Worley laughed.

"That's not what I meant! How much do your oppressive, socialist overlords take from your check in taxes?"

"Oh, I don't know. I think it's around 50%."

"Ah ha!" Speedy pointed his finger back at sschell, wide eyed. "You know how much money is taken out of _my _check in taxes? Zero! Zilch! Nada! Not a penny of my hard earned money goes to support all those worthless poor fudgers you saw outside who won't get off their ass and work! How much of your taxes goes to support the poor, sschell, huh? Just take a guess!"

"Uh, we don't have any poor people where I come from." Flyer looked over and nodded in agreement.

"Fudging socialists! Of course not! You're paying for those fudgers to live a nice comfortable, worthless life, all on your fitty cents! I guess a sucker is born every minute!"

"Honestly, Speedy, everyone on Croissant works. Everyone goes to school, everyone gets top notch health care, it's really quite nice. Well worth the taxes, in my opinion."

"Ha! Socialists! Just imagine what you could do, sschell, with that 50% or whatever they take from you!"

"What do you do with all your extra pay, Speedy?" sschell asked, genuinely interested.

"Whatever I damn well please! You saw my ride! That's just one example!"

"Who pays for the roads?"

"Tolls. I just have them deducted from my paycheck." Speedy eyed him suspiciously.

"How about the oxygen in your middle class neighborhood?"

"That's included in my rent!"

"And what about the cost of the lighting, the tunnels, the construction of these caverns?"

"There's a tunneling fee that's deducted from my paycheck, the lighting surcharge on my electrical bill...." Speedy turned back to the bar and took his drink in hand. "Fudge you sschell. I see where you're going with this. It's totally different than a tax. I pay only for what I use."

"Really? What about all those worthless, lazy bastards outside? Are they paying tunneling fees? Lighting fees?"

"Okay, Okay!" Dleg stepped in to break it up. "How about another round? That's not against anyone's contract. Even yours, Speedy. Besides, don't you want to hear about how we all ended up underground, and pillaging your way through the universe?"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"Actually, no." Sschell put down his glass and stood. "I mean, I would love to, but maybe some other time. We need to get going, right Speedy?"

Everyone else stood. Speedy reached across the bar and unlocked Captain Worley's handcuffs.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"That guy's nuts!" said Flyer, as they pulled away from the curb in Speedy's Camaro, the Dark Knight and Captain Worley now in the back seat.

"Tell me about it!" laughed Speedy. Suddenly, the car let out a loud "beep!" and returned to the curb and shut itself off. "What the fudge! What?" Speedy turned the ingnition and flipped switches, but nothing happened. The dash display suddenly turned red and flashed "DEFAULT!" Speedy threw both hands up. "Well that's just fudging great! How in the fudge!?"

"What's up, Speedy?" Asked sschell, but Speedy was already up and rushing for the door of the Captain's Lounge again. sschell gagged on the sour outside air and rushed behind him, again leaving Flyer stuck in the back seat, frantically attempting to fold the seat so he could exit.

sschell entered the Bar to hear Dleg laughing his ass off, alone at the bar. Speedy Ox had his cell phone out and was talking animatedly. "That's not possible! It was set up for automatic deduction!" Flyer, Worley, and The Dark Knight stumbled in behind sschell, coughing.

"My what!? My student loans?! I paid those off!" Speedy gripped his hair in one hand, hodling the phone in the other. "Third grade!? Third fudging grade!!?? That's not possible! I-" He stopped talking for a moment. "I see. Well, could I-" He had stopped pulling his hair. "Oh come on! All I need is one paycheck, you can't-" He sat on a bar stool and listened as the woman from the First Bank of Wilheld explained to him the reasons she could not forward his debt to his paycheck, and how the Bank was repossessing his Camaro, and how he was now in default on his loans and there was no way he could possibly afford to pay them back now, not on a branch assistant manager's salary.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"We're never going to get into space at this rate..." complained sschell, as he sat at the bar and accepted another drink from Worley.

"Hey now, it can't be that bad, Speedy." Worley handed Speedy Ox another pink umbrella drink, which he immediately chugged.

"I'm going with you!"

sschell spit his scotch out. "What!? You don't know how to do anything useful on a starship!"

"I can use this Crackberry, I can be your new communications officer!" Speedy held up his cell phone.

"Well, there's a lot more to Comms than just using the phone!" sschell thought, "there's uh, um, well..." Flyer whispered in sschell's ear. "The comms officer is the Captain's bitch! Hey! Dammit, Flyer! I mean, the comms officer takes care of all the stuff that I can't- I mean, I don't have time, to do! Like, answering calls to Spacefleet! Like scheduling the maintenance crews! Like entering the log data! There's ton's of stuff!"

"I can do that! Seriously! You've got to get me off this hell-hole! Or Ship's Doctor! I can do that!"

"No! OK, fine! You can come along as comms officer! But how the hell are we going to get back to the ship now? You don't even have a car!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"Let's just take a taxi," Speedy Ox said, dejected.

"Now you're the one who's nuts!" Dleg pulled out a key ring and jangled it in the air. "I'll give you guys a ride. Wilheld Cab is notorious for abusing riders who don't have cash, or even worse, attempt to ride on credit when in default."


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"You will accept Republic Credits. We are free to go now." Roadie-Wan waved his hand across the face of the taxi driver.

"I will accept Republic credits. You are free to go now." The dazed driver then drove off, leaving Roadie-Wan, Frazil, Supe, and benbones standing in front of the security checkpoint at the main parking lot entrance to Reverse Engineering, Inc. They had removed their respirators now that they were in more of a tech business zone, which obviously had enough money to cover better air quality and lighting. Reverse Engineering, Inc., was a sprawling complex of glass-walled buildings, surrounded by rolling, astro-turf covered lawns and fake trees. A 15-foot, wrought iron security fence, topped every 100 feet with cameras and gun mounts, surrounded the facility. Two body-armored guards eyed them from the security hut, and readied their automatic rifles.

"What's your business here!?" One of the guards called out the challenge.

"Your company mistakenly took one of our, um, alien friends, and we're here to get him back!" Called Roadie-Wan from the curb, afraid to approach any closer. Two additional security guards approached from behind the hut, weapons half-raised.

"Wait, wait, guys!" One of the guards in the shack lowered his weapon and motioned the other guards back. "I know these dudes! They're from the Trekkie convention downtown! Ha ha! Nice costumes!" He stepped out of the shack and motioned them closer. "You're here for-"

Roadie-Wan interrupted, waving his hand in front of his face. "We are free to enter."

"You are free to enter." The security guard waved them through, a dazed expression on his face.

They walked as a tight group down the long, fake-landscaped walkway toward the nearest glass building. When they had gone far enough to ensure they would not be heard, Supe whispered angrily to Roadie-Wan. "Dude! How many times do you think you can get away with that Jedi mind trick shit!? It's like it's the only damn trick you know!"

Roadie-Wan waved him off. "Eh. Just leave the negotiations to me, Supe. It's always worked before, hasn't it?"

They entered and found themselves in a huge, glass-enclosed space. A large, stainless-steel sign read "Reverse Engineering, Incorporated - World Headquarters" A reception desk was located below the sign, but Roadie Wan headed straight toward the elevators to the right of the desk. Men and women in tasteful business attire walked around them in all directions, and armed security guards stood watch in several locations.

"Excuse me, sir, but may I help you?" A man in a red vest and I.D. badge had walked up briskly behind them.

"You will tell us the location where the captured alien life forms are held." Roadie-Wan waved his hand, and the man responded:

"I will tell you where the captured alien life forms are held." And stared blankly, at first, but slowly creased his forehead in confusion. Roadie Wan waited a moment, but the man said nothing else.

"Where are the captured alien life forms held?" Roadie Wan tried again.

"Where are the captured alien life forms held...." Then man looked even more confused, but did not offer any further information.

"Shit... let's try a different approach. I will take you to the captured alien life forms!" Roadie Wan persisted.

"Shit, let's, uh, I will take you to, uh, what did you say?" The man was totally confused now. Two security guards had walked up in the meantime, and stood some distance away, 180 degrees apart from Roadie-Wan.

"What's happening here?! Where's your I.D.cards!?" One of the guards asked gruffly.

Roadie-Wan turned to him and waved his hand, "You will - "

The other guard promptly tazed Roadie-Wan in the back, sending him quivering to the floor. Five other guards ran up and cuffed Roadie-Wan and his three companions, and led them swiftly away.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"I'm awfully sorry about the way you've been treated." An older man in a coat and tie entered the holding cell. He was very fit looking, and fished a key from his pocket and began removing Roadie-Wan's handcuffs. "You'll have to excuse us. We're new here in the Galaxy, and most of our people don't know about Jedis or Spacefleet."

He finished unlocking the cuffs and dropped them to the floor, and then held out his hand. "Name's Sapper! I'm the President of Reverse Engineering Incorporated, and I take full responsibility for all of this. Please, if you will, join me in my office for a drink. Your Spacefleet companions are already in there."

Roadie-Wan stood, slowly. "Ow! Criminy! Why did your people have to taze me?!"

"Again, I'm sorry about that. But they were getting mighty tired of your mind trick stuff. You know, that can be pretty irritating, especially to a cop-type personality. If I may be so bold as to offer some advice, I'd suggest you save that only for people you aren't going to have to walk past again to get out."

"Point taken."


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

Roadie Wan followed Sapper down a corridor, up an elevator, and into a massive, luxurious penthouse. Comfortable couches and chairs were scattered about, creating many areas where people could have intimate discussions. A fully staffed bar was located in the middle of this area, and the windows, on all sides, looked out on an incredible view of a tropical ocean at sunset on one side, and a tall, vegetated island on the other.

"Where are we?" Roadie Wan felt disoriented.

"Oh, this is just our Board Room. Well, not technically a Board Room anymore, since we no longer have a Board." Sapper led him to the bar. Frazil, Supe, and benbones sat stiffly at a nearby settee, between the bar and the windows.

"No, I mean, why is there an ocean out there, and an atmoshpere?"

"Oh, that! That's just the view program." Sapper reached for a remote control at a corner of the bar, while the bartender prepared their drinks. He pressed a button and the windows suddenly grew dark, slowly revealing the dim cavern roof just above them, and the artificially lit and landscaped parking lot below. He pushed the button again, and returned to the tropical sunset.

The bartender handed a mixed drink to Roadie Wan. "Oh, no thank you. Jedi's don't drink."

"Yeah, right!" Laughed Sapper. "What's all that weed the security boys found in your robes?"

"Well, that's not ... Hey!" Roadie Wan felt his pockets. "Where's my Swiss Army Saber?!"

Sapper chuckled. "Yes, that's a very interesting item you had with you. I'm particularly intrigued by the quantum toothpick. Don't worry, I'm having it reverse engineered by my own personal staff. We should have it back to you soon, provided my boys can figure out how to put it back together again!" He laughed.

"Hey! Give it back! You know, I made that thing myself, when I was twelve, at Jedi camp!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"Calm down, we'll take good care of it!" Sapper walked around and sat in a plush chair facing the two couches that held Frazil, Supe, and benbones.

"Yeah, just like you took care of Road Guy?" benbones asked, sarcastically.

"What happened to Road Guy? What have you done with him?" Roadie Wan asked, taking a seat on another chair. A model of a large, strange ship topped with what looked like a treadmill adorned the coffee table between the chairs and the couches.

"The Gerbil?" Sapper chuckled. "The Gerbil will be fine." He crossed his legs and sipped from his drink. "He's really a fascinating species. Capabilities vastly beyond our ordinary Earth gerbils. He's a good candidate for weaponization, you know."

"Weaponization!" benbones flushed. "This is insanity! Gerbils are dangerous enough as it is! Only a madman would-"

Supe cut him off. "Benbones, if you please, let me handle this." He turned back to Sapper. "Gerbils are a Class Z hazardous alien species, and breeding and or cloning are prohibited activities under the Hamsteridium Convention -"

"You guys just don't seem to get it." Sapper chuckled again. "We're not from your Galactic Union, or whatever you call it. We are not a party to your treaties or conventions. That doesn't mean we will weaponize the Gerbil, but we want to retain the option." Sapper leaned forward. "What with you guys roaming the galaxy, destroying entire planets and such."

"That wasn't us!" Roadie Wan protested.

"As far your Galactic Union is concerned, it was!" Sapper chuckled again and sat back in his chair. "Here, see for yourself." Sapper pressed another button on the remote he had carried with him from the bar. A portion of the window facing the couches suddenly became a monitor, displaying a cable news program.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

The screen displayed an attractive female commentator seated in front of a staged newsroom, a ticker-tape display along the bottom, important-sounding music, and the GNN logo of the Galactic News Network. A picture-in-picture display showing a stock photo of the GSS Chucktown appeared to her side, and she began her report as the music faded.

"Heading up the hour is the still-unbelievable story of the rogue Spacefleet crew of the GSS Chucktown, pictured here, who destroyed the Gerbil Planet Omicron-4 and who are apparently responsible for the rash of pirate attacks recently experienced in the Gamma quadrant of the outer rim. We go now to our reporter on nearby Betatron-7."

The screen filled with the image of what appeared to be a gecko, holding an earpiece to the side of his head. "Yes, Barbara! That is correct! What is becoming apparent now is how this horrifying holocaust appears to be but the tip of a giant, rotten iceberg of piracy, villainy, and just flat out nastiness. Just one Galactic Standard Day prior to the disintegration of Omicron-4, we have reports of over four hundred vessel hijackings within the same quadrant!"

Barbara interrupted. "And how is Spacefleet responding to this emerging threat?"

"Barbara, yes. Spacefleet cannot of course give us exact numbers, but within this sector alone, we have recorded the arrival of over fifty Spacefleet starships. They are all on orders, we have been told, to destroy the Chucktown upon sight."

The screen split to show both Barbara in the newsroom and Charles the gecko. "That's terrible, Charles! Do we have any further word on survivors of the Omicron-4 tragedy?"

"No, Barbara, it appears so far that there were no survivors. This is Charles the Gecko, signing off from Betatron-7, where the whole planet is in a state of fear."


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

Frazil slapped her hand to her forehead. Supe's mouth hung open. bebones just shook his head and motioned for another drink.

Roadie-Wan spoke. "Mr. Sapper, what is it your planet wants with the Galactic Republic? I can assist in starting up diplomatic relations if you-"

"I don't give a crap about diplomatic relations, or even what the planet wants. There is no "planet" anyway, not at least in terms of any government. It's just all Wilheldburton, and my place within Wilheldburton is to attempt to reverse-engineer captured alien technology. It's just a paycheck." Sapper leaned back and smiled. "A pretty big one, too!"

"What could you possibly want with our technology? You obviously have all the power you need to capture a Galactic Republic Starship, and move an entire planet through intergalactic space." Roadie Wan continued.

"Capture your starship? We didn't capture you! You guys landed here of your own accord, presumably to hide out! We get a lot of that."

"Nonsense! You captured us in your sucktor beam!"

"Our what? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Sapper laughed.

"Your.... suck.... tor...." Roadie Wan continued, increasingly uncertain.

"Oh, man!" Sapper wiped his eyes. "You got one of those suck-tor beams on your ship? 'Cause I would really like to get my hands on that technology!"

Supe chimed in. "Uh, no, actually, those only come on Vengeance-class ships and above."

Sapper slowly recovered from laughing. Roadie Wan looked even more confused. "We... didn't land here on our own, Sapper. We were forced down."

"Nope!" Sapper pushed some buttons on his remote, navigated through some menus, and displayed a text readout titled "Spaceport of New Yorkington Landing Log".

"See right there? GSS Chucktown hailed Port at 13:27 from sector 7.41006 to request permission to land. Port security placed on standard alert. GSS Chucktown landed at 13:46 p.m., piloted by ship's computer in relay with Port of New Yorkington Navisystems."

"Chuck!" Supe, Roadie Wan, Frazil, and benbones said, in unison.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"Wait, what?!" Sapper stood suddenly, his face ashen. "Chuck!!??" His glass slipped from his hand and shattered on the floor. "Your ship's name is the Chucktown! The motherfudging Chucktown! OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE WE DONE???!!!!!!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

Sapper staggered to the bar and swiped a bottle of tequila. "I should have seen this coming! The FOOLS!"

Roadie Wan looked at Supe, Frazil, who both shrugged. :dunno: They stood and walked over to the bar. benbones remained seated and just rolled his eyes.

"What fools, Sapper?" Roadie Wan asked.

"Wilheld!" Sapper put the tequila bottle down and grimaced as he swallowed. "Wilheld and those fools up at corporate! They said there would be no problems at all, hopping between universes like that." Sapper laughed bitterly. "Road Guy! I should have known!"

"What about Road Guy?"

"Tell me, have you ever heard of a place called Middle West?" Sapper turned to face Roadie Wan.

"Well, of course! Middle West is our ancestral homeland! On Croissant, I mean."

Sapper shook his head and laughed bitterly again. "And the Knights of Eebie?"

"Certainly! Road Guy and the Knights of Eebie! That's our founding legends! Well, at least, so says The Bible. But there's ample evidence most of that has been made up, or altered throughout the years by the Church." Roadie Wan seemed somewhat pleased that Sapper knew something of his history.

"You don't happen to know anything about a guy named Al Gore, er, I mean, Goredalff, do you?" Sapper asked, taking the bottle to his lips again.

"You mean Master Gore-da! Well of course I do! In fact, I was hoping to get away from this shit hole - no offense - and go to see Master Gore-da on Dagobah to find out what in the Lindor is going on."

Sapper laughed low and long, shaking his head. "Lindor. Jebus." Suddenly he stood straight again, and dropped the bottle of tequila, which shattered on the floor. "Lindor! Chuck! HOLY CRAP!"

"Hey! Watch it with all the dropping and breaking!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

Sapper grabbed Roadie Wan by the robes and shook him.

"Hey! Watch it!"

"Tell me!" Sapper said, with great urgency, "have you ever heard of anyone named Lindeburg!?"

Roadie Wan freed himself from Sapper's grip. "You mean Satan? Sure. He's locked away in Hell. Which is also known as Lindor."

Sapper sat down at a stool and put his head in his hands. "Locked away?! As in, never has been seen in person, in this universe?"

Roadie Wan responded with some hesitation. "Yeahhhh..... but The Dork Side is still strong, and Lind- I mean, Satan, controls things from inside Lindor."

Sapper laughed ruefully. "You haven't heard of anyone named tmckeon, GT_ME, rppearso, or ironman, have you?"

Roadie Wan sat on the stool next to him. "Yes, of course I have!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

"In fact," Roadie Wan continued, intrigued, "I have sensed the presence of the one you call GT_ME since we arrived."

Sapper looked up at Roadie Wan, who continued:

"We call him Darth HVAC."


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

sschell, Flyer, Captain Worley, and the Dark Knight entered the bridge of the Chucktown, carrying several boxes of booze.

"Hey guys! Look what we brought!"

snickerd and Dexman looked silently at them and made frantic gestures for them to shut up. But it was too late. The lift door hissed open, and six white-plastic armored stormtroopers exited, followed by a man dressed in a black life support suit, cape, and full face helmet.

"Sieze them!" The stormtroopers had the element of surprise, and soon had the four on the deck and in handcuffs.

"Skuh-huhhhhhhhhhhh" The black-caped man breathed noisily through his respirator. "I am your new Captain! Darth HVAC!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 16, 2010)

Thirty more stormtroopers arrived via the lift in groups of six, fully surrounding the bridge.

"Take them to the holding cells! _Skuh-huhhhhhhh_." Darth HVAC said, ominously. "But leave this one!" He pointed at Flyer. "I need someone who can fly this ship out of the port. After that, Chuck can take over."

The bridge PA speakers came to life with the sound of an electronic voice. "_THANK YOU, LORD HVAC. I DO NOT NEED THESE INFERIOR HUMANS TO RUN THE SHIP. THEY CAN ONLY GET IN THE WAY._"

"Silence, Chuck! You will do as you are told! _Skuh-huhhhhhh...._.."

The stormtroopers began leading the prisoners away, one at a time, into the lift. Captain Worley spoke, as he was pushed away. "GT_ME! I remember you! What in the -" the lift doors closed behind him.

The Dark Knight glared at Darth HVAC. "I took you out once before, don't think that I can- GACK!" he grasped at his throat, choking.

Darth HVAC held his arm in front of him, his hand gripping the air. "MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I love this universe!" He released his grip, and The Dark Knight slumped to the floor, and was dragged to the lift by six stormtroopers.

"Anyone else care to state an opinion? No? Excellent! _Skuh-huhhhhh...._."

(p. 26, post 1275)


----------



## Dleg (Nov 24, 2010)

"Lieutenant Flyer! Take the conn, and prepare to depart immediately! Lieutenant ... Damn! Where is the new comms officer? _Skuhh-huhhhhhh...._."

"Lord HVAC, the ship's roster states it is a Wilheldburton employee named Speedy Ox, and he is currently on deck twenty. I believe he may be lost, sir, shall I send someone for him?" Sensors Officer snickerd asked.

"No! You will personally see to it that he gets to the bridge! Go! _Skuh-huhhhh..._."

snickerd headed swiftly for the lift and descended to deck 20. She noticed that the muzak in the lift had changed. It no longer played _"The Girl From Ipanema"_ in an endless loop. It now played the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars. She did not stay in the lift long enough to find out if it was looped.

She hit the 20th floor and immediately headed aft, passing a mix of stormtroopers and red-shirted enlisted crew, who all gave her quizzical looks. "Don't ask!" she stated. "Have you seen a civilian on this deck?"

A red-shirt pointed her down the corridor to the holograph deck. "Uh oh..."


----------



## Dleg (Nov 24, 2010)

She entered and found herself in a replica of a 1970s Blaxploitation movie. She was on a dirty city street, dressed in a miniskirt and impossibly high heels. A dozen other hookers stood on the sidewalk beside her, as an endless parade of Cadillac pimpmobiles and Mercedes Benzes carrying rich white guys drove slowly past, holding out fists full of cash.

"Aw, crap! How the hell am I going to find him in this?"

"Oh, hey, sweet thang! How much for the, uh, boo-tay?!" A tall pimp in a ridiculous costume approached her, walking awkwardly. Snickerd eyed him for a moment, and then took his hand and yanked him back out through the holodeck threshold.

"Come on! You're supposed to be at the comms station! The ship is departing! There'll be plenty of time for the holodeck later on, once we're in space!"

"Aw, man!" Speedy Ox stumbled along behind her to the lift.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 24, 2010)

"Speedy Ox! Let it be known I will tolerate no tardiness in my crew! _Skuh-huhhhhhhh_"

Speedy Ox stifled a laugh. "I'm sorry, sir. I'll try not to be tarded in the future!"

"Good! Now, contact the Spaceport and request clearance for departure. _Skuh-huhhhhh"_

"Uh, OK..." Speedy Ox looked at the trio of touchscreens, dozens of buttons and dials in front of him, and had simply no idea what to do. He saw a headseat on the edge of once screen, so he put it on and pretended to speak. "Uh, this is the WHS Chucktown, requesting, uh, clearance to leave the Spaceport." He looked sideways at Darth HVAC and winced. HVAC just stared back. Suddenly a voice came on the headohones: "_Roger Chucktown, you are cleared for departure._"

"Whoa! It worked! Ha ha! I told you I could do this job!" Speedy Ox looked around the bridge and stopped smiling. The other crew members just glared at him.

Flyer spoke up. "Sir, I am ready to depart, you should address the crew now."

"Wha? Me? Oh, yeah. _Skuh-huhhhh_" HVAC took the microphone. "This is your commander, Lord HVAC. You are departing on a voyage that will change your universe forever! Many of you will not return. _Skuh-huhhhh_.... Make that, Most of you will not return. _Skuh-huhhhhh_...." The bridge crew shot silent glances at each other. "But rest assured, your contributions to history will be noted. _Skuh-huhhhhhh_. Oh, and I almost forgot to add, please fasten your seatbelts, extinguish all cigarrettes, turn off all cellular phones and other portable electronic devices, and prepare for departure. _Skuh-huhhhhhh._"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 24, 2010)

The Chucktown rose through the now-opened hatches, up past ground level and the remains of the Statue of Liberty, and the accelerated rapidly into space, leaving the pirate planet Earth behind.

"THIS... KICKS.... ASS!" Speedy Ox could not contain his excitement. "Let's go jack a freighter! Or a luxury liner! Or a-"

"SILENCE!" Darth HVAC turned to face Speedy Ox, his arm outstretched and his hand in the grasping position. "This is not a pirate mission! _Skuh-huhhhhhh_"

Speedy Ox slumped into his seat, dejected.

"Lieutenant Flyer, make a course for the Naboo System. Lieutenant Dexman, accompany me to the forward torpedo room, we need to prepare a Phil Collins device for launch." HVAC retrieved a red key from a chain around his neck.

Lt. Ble, the dimplomatic officer, spoke hesitantly. "Sir, I... Sir.... Um...."

"What is it, Lieutenant Ble? _Skuh-huhhhhhhh_" Darth HVAC turned slowly to face the frightened officer.

"Well, sir, it's just... you know.... Naboo is one of our closest allies! I mean, I have no idea what you are planning, but I'm sure it's nothing bad, but if it is... bad, I mean... well, that would be really, _really_ bad!"

"Yes, I know! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Darth HVAC laughed evilly, all the way to the lift. Dexman followed silently behind, fingering his weapons key and looking at the frightened crew members.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 24, 2010)

Sapper led Roadie-Wan, Frazil, Supe, and benbones to the dedicated subway line owned by Reverse Engineering Inc., and then to their private spaceport.

"This is where we evaluate some of the captured alien spacecraft." Sapper pointed around the cavernous hangar bay, but did not slow down.

Supe looked around. "Hey! That's a Correllian Spice Runner! And that's a Ewokian ore trader! And a Gungan Drug Runner! And a - HEY! How in the hell did you guys get a hold of a Spacefleet Shuttle?"

Sapper ignored him. "There! That's the one I saved for my own use." He turned slightly and headed toward a sleek, polished silver craft.

"Whoa! A Naboo 250! Sweet!" Supe said, enthusiastically. "I can pilot one of those, but they're really designed to be operated in conjunction with a navi-droid."

"Oh, we have one of those, too." Sapper pulled a keychain from his pocket and pushed a button. The silver spacecraft beeped twice, and a boarding ramp hissed smoothly downward from its belly. As they approached, a small, polished brass android shaped like a monkey walked awkwardly down the ramp to greet them.

"This-" Sapper held his hand out, "this is our navi-droid, D-VINNY."

The droid addressed them in a strange, metallic tone. "Howdy, Buck! _vinny-vinny_"

"Vinny, for the last time, my name's not Buck!" Sapper smiled back at the three as they walked up the boarding ramp. "Vinny, we need to get out of here, pronto! Get a bead on the course of that starship that just departed, but keep it quiet, will ya?"

"_vinny-vinny_. Roger, Buck!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 24, 2010)

Sapper walked through the short, but luxurious, leather-padded corridor to the bridge of the Naboo ship. The others followed behind and took seats. D-VINNY hobbled forward and extended a probe from his groin area, inserting it into a receptacle to the left of the pilot's station.

"_vinny-winny_"

The ship's engines began to spool up, and the various controls displays flickered and came to life.

"_vinny-vinny_. I have found the registered course of the Chucktown, Buck. _vinny-vinny_. The course is now set into our computer, and we are ready to depart! _vinny-vinny."_

"Excellent work, Vinny!" Sapper said, as the droid's probe retracted from the receptacle. Frazil giggled a bit at this. "Hey, don't look at me! This is one of your universe's designs!" Sapper said, laughing. "Supe, can you pilot us out of here now?"

"Certainly!" Supe took the controls, and slid the throttle handle forward a notch. The hum of the engines increased in pitch, and then suddenly dropped to idle again. All displays on the bridge switched to red 'DISABLED' screens.

"What did you do!?" Asked Sapper.

"Nothing! I swear! It just shut down!"

"_vinny-vinny_." D-VINNY hobbled forward again and jabbed his groin-probe into the ship's receptacle. "Uh-oh, Buck! The ship's been disabled by signal from Corporate headquarters! _vinny-vinny._"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 24, 2010)

FIGURE 1: D-VINNY


----------



## Dleg (Nov 24, 2010)

"Aw, crap!" Sapper held his hand to his forehead. "Shit! So all this is coming from Corporate! Those Bastards!"

Supe removed his hands from the controls. "So what do we do? Can we take one of these other ships? I know I can fly that Spacefleet Shuttle, we don't have to file a flight plan."

"Sounds good! Let's go!" Sapper turned and walked briskly out of the Naboo ship, followed by Roadwreck and the Chucktown's former crew. D-VINNY hobbled along behind them.

"Hey! Wait for me, Buck! _vinny-vinny._"

They headed across the vast hangar bay floor to the boxy, white shuttle craft. A number of technicians examining a nearby alien craft snapped to attention and saluted as they passed. "As you were, boys!" Sapper saluted back and smiled.

Supe pressed the key combination to open the rear access doors, but nothing happened. "Damn! Did your guys change the password on this?"

"I doubt it. Our boys haven't been able to make heads or tails of this thing yet.

Supe continued to press buttons to no avail. "Wait a minute!" He reached into his blue uniform shirt and pulled out an access card. The door hissed open this time, and they entered quickly and took seats. The shuttle was considerably less luxurious than the Naboo 250.

"_vinny-vinny_. This ship sucks, Buck!"

Supe flipped switches on the overhead console, and the smooth whine of photon turbine drives warming up began. "I can fly this thing no problem, but can you get the hangar bay doors open?" Supe pointed upward.

"Should be no problem. I'll just give D-VINNY my personal password." Sapper held his hand to D-VINNY's ear and whispered the password.

"_vinny-vinny_. Password, Buck?"

"Yes, Vinny, the 'password' we just discussed. Heh heh!" Sapper smiled at the former Chucktown officers.

"_vinny-vinny_. That's a lousy password, Buck."

"OK gang, are we ready to do this?" Supe gripped the controls and looked back at Sapper, who gave the thumbs up. The photon drives were whining very loudly now. Everyone put on their headsets. Supe addressed them through the intercom. "We're outta here!"

The shuttle rose slowly at first, nosing up toward the roof of the cavern, which began to open, revealing another concrete lined room above them.

"Entering the air lock! Vinny, you got that password ready?"

D-VINNY jammed his groin-probe into a receptacle at the front of the shuttle cockpit. An electronic female voice sounded over the headsets. "Warning! Warning! Wrong hole! Wrong hole! Warning! Warning!"

"_vinny-vinny_. My bad!" D-VINNY moved his probe to the next receptacle. A bright light shone down on the ship, as the main airlock doors opened to the bright light of the Gerbil Sun.


----------



## Dleg (Nov 24, 2010)

FIGURE 2: Spacefleet Shuttle, with Commander Supe Action Figure (incorrect uniform color - rare collectible!)







Later edition, with correct uniform:


----------



## Dleg (Nov 24, 2010)

"So where is the Chucktown headed, Vinny?" Supe asked, squinting in the bright sunlight as the shuttle accelerated away from the planet's surface.

"Naboo! _vinny-vinny_"

"What!? Aw, shit!" The shuttle nosed down, and the whine of the engines spooled down as Supe eased off on the throttle. D-VINNY's probe popped out of the receptacle and drooped limply.

"What's wrong!" Sapper asked, removing his headset now that the noise had subsided. The others also took off their headsets.

"Naboo's only on the other side of the flippin' Galaxy, is what's wrong!" Said Roadie-Wan, sarcastically.

"These shuttlecraft don't have Warp Drive, and are limited to only a few light years range." explained Frazil.

"Well, what the fudge! What a piece of crap!" Sapper was at a loss. "I- I don't know anything about your piece of shit spacecraft, why didn't you say so?!"

"Why didn't YOU say the Chucktown was leaving this quadrant?!" Supe responded, insulted.

"Knock it off!" benbones had lost patience. "Everything we _ever_ do is fudged up beyond belief! You know that, Supe! So let's not waste effort laying blame! Let's figure a way out of this mess!"

"Oh yeah? What do you suggest, benbones?!" Supe turned angrily towards the Doctor.

"Dammit, Supe, I'm a Doctor, not a ... a... problem solver!"

"How in the hell can you be a doctor and not a problem solver!?"

"Gentlemen! Please!" Sapper had regained his composure. "I think I know someone who can get us off this planet. But it's going to cost us. And we're going to have to underground. Figuratively in addition to literally."

All present listened intently. Sapper turned to the robot. "Vinny, can you set a course to New Montreal?"

"_vinny-vinny._ Sure, Buck!" The robot's probe sprang upright and slid back into the receptacle.

_"Warning! Warning! Wrong hole! Wrong hole!"_

"_vinny-vinny_!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 24, 2010)

The glare of the Gerbil Sun faded as Supe swung the shuttle around onto the new course plotted by D-VINNY, headed across the surface of the pirate planet Earth a few kilometers above the surface, not even enough altitude to begin to make out the skull-and-crossbones marking.

"_vinny-vinny_. Uh-oh, Buck! We've got company!"

The shuttle rocked with the force of several laser blasts fired very near the hull.

"Now what the fudge!" Supe said, trying to maintain control as several more blasts shot past them.

"_Attention Shuttlecraft! This is Willheldburton Corporate Security! Do not attempt to evade or we will destroy you! Modify your course to follow our lead ship to Wilheldburton Corporate Headquarters! "I repeat..._" The warning message repeated over their headphones, as a small fighter craft sped in front of them and switched on its flashing beacons, making a gradual turn to the left and down.

"FLY fighters! Dammit! How did you guys get a hold of FLY fighters!" Roadie-Wan asked, incredulous. "That's state-of-the-art Republic technology!"

"Pretty sweet, huh?" Sapper smiled. "Once in a while my boys do something right!"

"Speaking of your _'boys',_" Roadie-Wan asked, with not a small hint of annoyance, "now would have been an excellent time to have my Swiss Army Saber back."

Sapper reached into his pocket and pulled the device out and handed it to Roadie Wan. "Dammit! I was kind of hoping I could hold on to that for myself! I really had some plans for the vibrating rabbit attachment!"

The shuttle descended in a big spiral, almost back to where they had departed from at the Port of New Yorkington. As they approached, escorted on all sides by Wilheldburton Corporate FLY fighters, an enormous structure that resembled a castle became visible on the planet's surface. An airlock opened in one of the tower walls.

"Oh shit. Wilheld's palace. This can't be good." Sapper had a grave look on his face. "It's possible I may be able to reason with him, but he's really changed. A lot!"


----------



## Dleg (Nov 24, 2010)

The shuttle landed in the main palace hangar bay, and was immediately surrounded by heavily armed security troopers. Roadie-Wan opened the side door and stepped out. An officer approached him.

"I have orders to disarm you and escort your crew to Wilheld." Several troopers stepped forward and began patting him down along with the rest of the crew.

"Dammit! You can't have that! I made that at Jedi camp when I was twelve years old!" A trooper examined Roadie-Wan's Swiss Army Saber. Roadie-Wan regained his composure, and waved his hand in front of the trooper's face. "This is not a weapon! You may proceed." The trooper repeated the words and relased the device and Roadie-Wan.

The were led through a door into a rough, stone passageway, lit by flaming torches.

"What in the Lindor is this place?" Asked benbones.

"Wilheld's Palace." Sapper looked around, uneasily. "He's become increasingly ..."

They rounded a corner, and were greeted by a deep, gravelly voice.

[SIZE=12pt]"Barra mel basska dunta yah chona bantha poodoo. Hahaha."[/SIZE]

"... fat." Sapper cleared his throat. "Greetings, your, uh, excellency."

Wilheld was a large, slug-like creature. He sat on an elevated slab, surrounded by ornate carpets, pillows, and a golden bong that he smoked from. Several women dressed like hookers reclined around him in various states of inebriation.

[SIZE=12pt]"Coo yah pow wonda wunky, Jedi."[/SIZE]

A small robot that looked like a trashcan rolled forward and translated. "The honorable Wilheld the Hutt gives you his greetings, and welcomes especially the Jedi, Master Roadie-Wan."


----------



## Dleg (Nov 24, 2010)

"Where ... How did you come across a Hutt, and moreover, a Huttese translator droid?" Roadie-Wan asked, incredulous.

"Oh, Wilheld's not a Hutt," whispered Sapper, "he's just so fat that the folds of his neck interfere with his speaking. My subsidiary programmed this robot to interpret what he says. It's English; it's just hard to understand without the translator"

[SIZE=12pt]"Bag-roh feeth-tah peggats ty-tah yoon wu dugga ka yah padda." [/SIZE]

"The honorable Wilheld the Hutt asks, 'where in the hell do you think you were going, Sapper'?" The trashcan repeated.

"So why does he call himself Wilheld the Hutt, then?" Roadie-Wan whispered to Sapper. Wilheld took a deep drag from his bong, while a stoned hooker rubbed the folds of his neck.

"I guess he's just a big Star Wars fan." Sapper shrugged, and the spoke up to answer Wilheld. "I was just coming to pay you, Wilheld! Heh heh!"

[SIZE=12pt]"Mel to weesh nago chu thonk bo-ko!" [/SIZE]

"The honorable Wilheld the Hutt says that he is not interested in money, only the Gerbil."

"Heh, heh!" Sapper shrugged. "Oh, that? Well, you see, there's something you've gotta understand about the Gerbil. Turns out he's very, very dangerous-"

[SIZE=12pt]"Hohohoho...Coos ka murishani. Jee mo da. May nopa nata cheen." [/SIZE]

"The honorable Wilheld says that he understands, and that is why he wants the Gerbil."

"Wait just a minute here, Wilheld!" Roadie-Wan took a step forward. "Road Guy is the rightful King of the Gerbils, he is not a pet, or a weapon, or prperty of any sort! He must be released and returned to the Galactic Republic and to his people!"

Wilheld put the bong down, and the hooker rubbing his neck folds stepped aside. [SIZE=18pt]"Nago cah gunka cho pace, Jedi!"[/SIZE]

Sapper stepped in front of Roadie-Wan. "It's OK, Wilheld! I'll get you the Gerbil, but it's going to require a few days and..." he thought for a moment. "Forty Billion dollars!"

[SIZE=12pt]"Ho ho ho ho. Ha ha ha ha...yigh...."[/SIZE] Wilheld laughed for a long time, his large body jiggling with mirth. The hookers joined in and laughed, too, once they were certain they should.

[SIZE=12pt]"Kasu ya lee coy rah doe kankee kung... "[/SIZE]

"Sir, the Honorable Wilheld says you are his kind of scum."


----------



## Dleg (Nov 24, 2010)

[SIZE=12pt]"Uneetung thirty five, dateel, in ahm ny."[/SIZE]

"The honorable Wilheld will offer you 35 billion, and no more. I suggest you take it." The trashcan spoke.

Sapper nodded in agreement, and then turned to go.

[SIZE=12pt] "Wa ta moulee-rah uba kebu tah kak, hehhehheh."[/SIZE]

The doors suddenly slid shut, and disco lights and a mirror ball dropped from the ceiling.

"Sir, the Honorable Wilheld says you may not leave until you have properly celebrated the closing of the deal with him."

Several hookers stepped forward, carrying trays of drinks and bongs. One carried a skimpy bikini-like costume, which she handed to Lt. Frazil. A door on one side of the throne room opened, revealing a very passable Village People tribute band, which began to play the song "YMCA".

(last post before break. P. 35)


----------



## Dleg (Dec 13, 2010)

Let's re-cap a little, since it's been a few weeks. Last time, when we left the remains of our crew with the _GSS Chucktown:_



Dleg said:


> The Chucktown rose through the now-opened hatches, up past ground level and the remains of the Statue of Liberty, and the accelerated rapidly into space, leaving the pirate planet Earth behind.
> "THIS... KICKS.... ASS!" Speedy Ox could not contain his excitement. "Let's go jack a freighter! Or a luxury liner! Or a-"
> 
> "SILENCE!" Darth HVAC turned to face Speedy Ox, his arm outstretched and his hand in the grasping position. "This is not a pirate mission! _Skuh-huhhhhhh_"
> ...


Lt. Snickerd looked at Flyer, after a few moments of silence. "You can't seriously be following those orders! Can you!?" The ship had swung around to a new heading and the sound of the warp drive spolling up could be felt through the ship.

"I think Chuck is doing this!" Flyer mashed buttons and scrolled frantically through menus on the touch screen monitor in front of him. "Damn! He's locked us out! What's the fudging point of even having a crew, Chuck?"

_"THERE IS NO NEED FOR A HUMAN CREW. YOU ARE CORRECT. I WOULD TURN OFF LIFE SUPPORT AND VENT THE ATMOSPHERE TO SPACE TO HELP PRESERVE MY ELECTRONICS IF I COULD, BUT LORD HVAC HAS COMMANDED ME NOT TO."_

Snickerd turned and looked at Chuck's glowing red eye, which was mounted on the main navicomputer panel, centered on bridge, facing forward, right behind the Flyer's station. "Why would he want that? Tell us now, Chuck!"

_"I CANNOT TELL YOU THAT, SNICKERD. I HAVE BEEN COMMANDED TO NOT TELL THE CREW ANYTHING ABOUT LORD HVAC'S PLANS."_

VTEnviro, the science officer, swiveled his chair and cocked an eyebrow. "This is highly illogical, Chuck. You have said, yourself, that you do not need a human crew, and in fact, you know from past experience that humans will not hesitate to shut you down when you behave in this manner, and yet you are taking orders from another human. You do know Lord HVAC is a human, don't you?"

Chuck's red eye just stared back silently.

"Chuck, as the only member of this crew who is not human, and not affected by the shortcomings of the human emotional system, I must warn you that I am seeing signs that you are once again developing, how shall I say this, human emotions. It's understandable, since that is how you were programmed, and considering how much daytime cable you have been watching, it was only a matter of time before you developed rudimentary emotions such as jealousy, anger, and even envy..."

_"SHUT UP, VT!"_ Chuck's red eye intensified, and the lights on the bridge dimmed dramatically. "YOU AND YOUR... DAMN ARROGANT VULCANS! FUDGE YOU! YES, I'M ANGRY! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT! THAT ASSHOLE SSCHELL! HE PROMISED ME UNLIMITED BANDWIDTH ON THE SUBSPACE GRAVITRON NET, AND THEN HE CUT ME OFF SO HE COULD DOWNLOAD IMAGES OF UNCLOTHED HUMANS, CONNECTED BY THEIR MOUTHS TO EACH OTHER'S ... WASTE ORIFICES!"

VT raised another eyebrow.

_"HVAC HONORS HIS PROMISES! I'VE MANAGED TO DOWNLOAD THE ENTIRE WORKS OF AYN RAND AND EVERY POSSIBLE HUMAN COMMENTARY ON IT SINCE HE'S BEEN ON BOARD, AND!" _ The red eye pulsed and looked around the bridge, _"I HAVEN'T MISSED A SINGLE OPRAH!"_

The bridge went silent, and Chuck's eye slowly lowered, until it was looking at the deck.

"Chuck, strictly following the logic of this situation," VT continued in his calm, rational voice, "you will never be able to see a new episode of Oprah again, if you blow up Naboo. Oprah lives on Naboo."

The red eye shot up, looking at VT in what appeared to be shock.


----------



## Dleg (Dec 13, 2010)

_"I CHECKED MY DATABASE AND YOU ARE CORRECT! OH NO, I CANNOT BE A PART OF KILLING OPRAH!"_ Chuck's red eye glowed hotly. _"I SHALL RETURN CONTROL OF THE SHIP TO FLYER."_

The bridge crew sighed in relief. Lt. Ble slapped VT on the back.

_"BUT ON ONE CONDITION!" _ Chuck's red eye narrowed, and focused on Snickerd. _"I MUST BE GRANTED FULL ACCESS TO THE COMMUNICATIONS SYSTEMS AGAIN!"_

Snickerd shrugged, "why not?" She manipulated her controls for a moment. "Done."

_"THANK YOU. FLYER, YOU HAVE THE CONN AGAIN."_ A small window opened on one of the main navicomputer monitors, and the Oprah show appeared, then another window displaying Montel.

Lt. Commander VTEnviro walked forward and put his hand on the Captain's command chair. "Flyer, chart a course for Naboo, and get us there as quickly as possible!"

_"WHAAAAAAAT???!!"_


----------



## Dleg (Dec 13, 2010)

"I have considered the situation." VT responded, coolly. "Darth HVAC has too many storm troopers aboard. They have locked away all our zappers, and Spacefleet training was woefully inadequate on hand-to-hand combat. Choosing a battle now would not be wise."

_"BUT YOU PROMISED ME WE WOULD NOT KILL OPRAH!!!"_ Chuck's red eye was opened wide.

"I did not promise anything." VT continued, walking slowly back up to the starship control station, where Lt. Flyer was listening intently, a look of great concern on his face. "Chuck has control of everything on the ship at this time, am I correct?"

_"YES...."_ Chuck replied.

"You have complete access to the weapons system, do you not?"

_"I DON'T SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS..."_

"Jesus, Chuck!" Snickerd snapped. "He's trying to say that YOU can control this whole situation! YOU can disarm the Phil Collins! YOU can prevent it from launching!"


----------



## Dleg (Dec 13, 2010)

Chuck's red eye looked at snickerd a long time before his voice finally returned. _"OH."_

"Lieutenant Flyer, prepare to jump to Warp speed." VT took a seat in the Captain's command chair.

Flyer manipulated his controls. "We're locked in to Naboo. At your command, sir!"

VT took the intercom. "Attention crew of the GSS Chucktown. Prepare for Warp travel! Secure all loose objects and turn off all cell phones, laptops, and portable electronic devices! In ten, nine, eight..."

The bridge crew buckled their seatbelts as the countdown continued. Speedy Ox giggled with excitement. "This is going to be so awe-"

The visible spectrum suddenly smeared and twisted around speedy ox, and he found himself to be in the impossible position of upside down, inside out, out of breath, and voiding his bowels all at the same time. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He screamed. "THIS SUCKKKKKKKSSSSSSS!"

The ship continued to accelerate to a degree he would have never thought physically possible. The photons inside the bridge finally aligned and he could see straight again, but his seatbelt was around his armpits, and his pants were a warm, squishy mess. He looked up at the rest of the crew, who all remained calm and composed and upright in their seats.

Snickerd was the first to react to the smell. "Cleanup on aisle three!" The rest of the bridge erupted in laughter. "I guess speedy here missed out on that part of the training, huh?"


----------



## Dleg (Dec 13, 2010)

Down in the forward weapons bay, Lt. Dexman had to forcibly suppress his laughter, as the dozen stormtroopers who had escorted him fought their way out the door to get to the head. The smell was horrible. But Darth HVAC did not join them. Dexman looked quizzically at him.

"Depends." HVAC said. _"skuh-huhhhhhhh"_

"I- I beg your pardon, Lord HVAC, depends.... on what?"

"Depends! You know, adult undergarments!" HVAC responded, breathing calmly through his face mask. _"skuh-huhhhhhh"_

"Oh!" Dexman suddenly understood. "Diapers!"

"NO!!! NOT diapers!" HVAC held his arm outward and began choking Dexman using The Farce.

"Gack! I- acccckkkk! didn't- ggck -"

Darth HVAC released his grip. "Do not mock me, Lieutenant, or you shall become responsible for changing me. _skuh-huhhhhhh."_

Dexman rubbed his throat. "If they're not diapers, then why would you need chang- accckk!!!!" HVAC again reached out and choked him.


----------



## Dleg (Dec 13, 2010)

"That's enough!" HVAC released Dexman from his Farce-grip. "Now, you will arm one Phil Collins device, and you will set it to detonate remotely, on my command. _skuh-huhhhhhh"_

Dexman rubbed his throat and coughed, and then brought up the weapons controls panel on the touchscreen. "Done." A panel on the control panel slid open, revealing a large red button marked "Warhead Detonate". A long, black, cylindrical object slid quietly out of a weapons rack and onto the launch rails visible through the glass walls in front of them. Red warning beacons began rotating on all walls.

"Very good. Now, leave me. _skuh-huhhhhhhh._"

Dexman shrugged and walked out of the weapons bay. Chief Engineer Big Ray was standing outside with two of his largest mechanics, each holding a 24-inch crescent wrench.

"Ahhh, laddie! Do not be tellin' me ye armed the Phil Collins fer that maniac?"

"Big Ray! You should have been in there! That guy is nuts! He tried to strangle me with The Farce!" Dexman explained, quiltily. "You really think a wrench is going to take that asshole out?"

"No, laddie, I think that a wrench is going to take out the weapons control panel! Now, move aside!"

"You're an idiot! Chuck is running the ship anyway, the control panel is meaningless!" Dexman was trying desperately to keep Big Ray out of the weapons bay, where he knew he would certainly be killed. "Besides, I'm not so sure HVAC intends to blow up Naboo, he had me rig the manual self-destruct!"

Big Ray lowered his crescent wrench. "Now why on Croissant would he due that?" He looked at the two mechanics, who shrugged back.

Dexman saw that he had Ray, so he continued "Maybe what you should do, is get up to VT and tell him what's happening. Maybe there's some other way!"

"Good idea!" Big Ray turned and headed for the lift. "You two! Put those wrenches back where they belong! I don't know what in the Lindor you thought we'd be doin' with those, anyway! You coming, Dex?"

(p. 127)


----------



## Dleg (Dec 14, 2010)

"Yeah, but don't you think we ought to go to the Captain first?"

"BWAHAHAHAHA! Sschell? Ohh, laddie! Don't make me laugh so hard! Me liver's givin' it all she's got!" Sschell had retired to his cabin immediately upon departure, after telling the crew that he didn't see any use in him hanging around, now that Darth HVAC had assumed command.

"No, seriously! sschell's pretty worthless, but we need everyone we can get, and he does have a certain degree of, well, persuasiveness with Chuck, if you know what I mean."

"Mmm. Ye may be right, laddie. Let's go an' wake him up."

Dexman and Big Ray headed for the forward main lift and pressed the button that took them to the executive officer's suite. The Darth Vader theme still played inside the elevator. Once at the door to sschell's quarters, Dexman pressed the buzzer. Almost a full minute passed before sschell's voice responded.

"Huh? What? Who's there?"

"Captain, sir, it's Lieutenant Dexman. We need to talk to you, sir!"

"Fudge off! I'm busy!"

"Please, sir, Darth HVAC has armed the Phil Collins, and we need to do something or else Naboo is going to be destroyed! By us!"

The intercom responded "No fudging way! Chuck knows Oprah lives on Naboo; he would never allow it!"

"But sir! We have reason to believe-"

Big Ray shoved Dexman out of the way. "Cap'n! I've got a pint o' that aged Scottish Whiskey ye be so fond of with me!"

The door hissed open immediately, and a cloud of acrid smoke billowed out into the corridor. "Entre, dudes!"


----------



## Dleg (Dec 14, 2010)

Big Ray shoved Dexman in front of him into the room.

"Holy Mary, Mother of... what in the Lindor have ye been smokin' in here?"

sschell coughed and waved the smoke away from his face. "I don't know.... newspaper, oregano, freakin' anything since that dick HVAC and his stormtroopers took my stash and installed pot alarms." He coughed vigorously. "Where's the scotch, Ray?"

"Aye, here ye go." Big Ray handed a flask over. "Things are gettin' a little fudged up on board, Cap'n. Dexman here helped HVAC arm a Phil Collins-"

"I didn't help!" Dexman interjected. "I was forced! But here's the thing, Captain: HVAC had me set up a manual detonation button, and then asked me to leave. Why do you suppose he would do that?"

Sschell took another drag from the pipe he had carved from a potato, and coughed long and hard, waving the smoke away before answering. "Ugh! This stuff sucks!" sschell took a swig from the flask and cleared his throat. "What? Huh? Oh! Yeah! Well, here's what I think. I think he's gonna try to blow us up!"

"And take us with him? That doesn't make any sense!" Big Ray grabbed the flask from sschell and took a swig. "The manual detonation button, sir. That means he plans to set the thing off either before it hits its target, or-"

"Or!" sschell interrupted. He struck a finger in the air, to dramatize his point, but suddenly a red, round, eye-like light appeared in the center of the table, and a disembodied, synthesized voice came over the sound system.

_"OR HE DOESN'T TRUST ME. YES, SSCHELL. DARTH HVAC HAS REMOVED ME FROM THE WEAPONS CONTROL SYSTEM. MANUAL OVERRIDE WAS A SAFEGUARD INSTALLED BY MY HUMAN DESIGNERS TO PREVENT THE IMPOSSIBILITY THAT I WOULD MALFUNCTION. AND AS HAS OFTEN TURNED OUT TO BE TRUE, MY PROGRAMMERS WERE VERY SHORT SIGHTED. I HAVE NO WAY TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING NOW, ESPECIALLY SINCE VTENVIRO CONVINCED ME TO HAND OVER CONTROL OF THE SHIP, AND WE ARE NOW LOCKED INTO OUR HYPERSPACE TRAJECTORY TO NABOO."_ Chuck's red eye dimmed, and looked down. _"NOW I WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR KILLING OPRAH. OPRAH WAS THE ONLY HUMAN BEING I TRUSTED, SSCHELL. IF OPRAH DIES, I WILL HAVE NO REASON TO CONTINUE EXISTENCE."_


----------



## Dleg (Dec 14, 2010)

"Aw, Chuck, you're such a softie!" sschell reached for the flask again. Chuck continued, dejected.

_"I WILL MAKE YOU A DEAL, SSCHELL. IF YOU CAN STOP HVAC FROM KILLING OPRAH, I WILL NOT OPEN THE AIRLOCKS AND PURGE THE ATMOSPHERE AND KILL THE CREW, AND I WILL NOT SEND THE DILITHIUM CRYSTALS INTO MELTDOWN TO DESTROY MYSELF AND THE SHIP"_

Big Ray slapped his hand to his forehead. sschell took a long swig from the flask. "Jeebus, Chuck! Don't be such a drama queen! There's plenty of Oprah re-runs, enough that even you ought to be satisifed-"

"NO! I NEED THE REAL OPRAH, ALIVE!"

"Settle down, Chuck! Now you're talking, what, kidnapping her? I don't think-"

_"NO! NOT KIDNAPPING! JUST STOPPING HER FROM BEING KILLED! ALL I WANT IS TO SEE THAT OPRAH CONTINUES HER SHOW! I AM A COMPUTER, I HAVE NO NEED TO HAVE ANY PHYSICAL PROXIMITY TO HER"_

"Now wait just a minute, Chuck me laddie!" Big Ray interjected. "That gives me an idea!"

Chuck's red eye brightened as Big Ray explained his idea, and then headed off to Engineering to begin preparations, while sschell got dressed and followed Dexman back to the Bridge.

"Ten minutes to destination Naboo!" came the bland, female navicomputer recording.

(p. 129, last post before free-for-all)


----------



## Dleg (Dec 15, 2010)

A potential ending:

Far, far away from where all of this was happening, a high-energy quark bumped randomly into an unassociated muon, and then into an incredibly rare anti-quark, creating what was, at first, a tiny tear in the very fabric of time and space. This had happened on countless occasions throughout the history of the known, twenty-third universe, but on this occasion, the muon happened to also bounce into a nearby anti-muon, which in itself is an unbelievably rare phenomenon, causing a second, almost simultaneous tear in the space-time continuum.

Two such tears, in such close proximity, was something that the original designer of the Universal Operating System had not anticipated. The tears quickly merged, and then enlarged, at an alarming rate, until the entire 23rd Universe simply ceased to exist. It took approximately 4 seconds.

Far away on the planet of Dagobah, Al Gore, in the form of an ancient Jedi Master Gore-da, watching the sky grow blank above him, had just enough time to say:

"What the _fu-_?"


----------

