# Dirtiest Joke Thread- potentially X-rated, NSFW, etc...you've been warned



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

Here you go folks...a place for jokes so bad, you've been afraid to post them in the funny joke thread. We'll have a prize for the best joke.

P.S. And I don't think I need to mention it, but if you have to post pictures, keep them legal and little.


----------



## roadwreck (Feb 17, 2009)

A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying. A priest approaches and says: "My child, why are you so upset?"

The boy tells him: "My mummy and daddy were in their car, and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says: "It's just not your day, is it?"


----------



## frazil (Feb 17, 2009)




----------



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

That right there is an awesome poster.


----------



## NCcarguy (Feb 17, 2009)

A wife tells her husband that she wants to get a boob job...and it'll cost around $10,000....The husband is extrememly upset that his wife would even think about spending that kind of money in this terrible economic time, so he offers a cheaper solution.....he tells his wife that first thing EVERY morning, when she wakes up, wrap her hand in toilet paper, and rub the paper between her boobs.....The wife, with a silly look on her face asks.....how the HELL does THAT make my boobs grow??? The husband responds.....Hell, I don't know, but it's been working on your ASS since the day I married you!!!!


----------



## roadwreck (Feb 17, 2009)

NCcarguy said:


> A wife tells her husband that she wants to get a boob job...and it'll cost around $10,000....The husband is extrememly upset that his wife would even think about spending that kind of money in this terrible economic time, so he offers a cheaper solution.....he tells his wife that first thing EVERY morning, when she wakes up, wrap her hand in toilet paper, and rub the paper between her boobs.....The wife, with a silly look on her face asks.....how the HELL does THAT make my boobs grow??? The husband responds.....Hell, I don't know, but it's been working on your ASS since the day I married you!!!!


Ha! I'm going to have to send this one to a few people.


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 17, 2009)

Not super-dirty, but still...

How are women and tornadoes alike?


----------



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

^ do I even want to hear the end of that one?


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 17, 2009)

I don't think you'll be disappointed, but I want some guesses.


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

does it have to do with country music?


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 17, 2009)

Sort of. But it does not involve burping or removing meat.


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

is the punch line about a trailer?


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 17, 2009)

No it is not about a trailer, but it is about a house.


----------



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

does it have to do with blowing?


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 17, 2009)

No. But I have to go do a site visit, so here you go:

They both moan like hell when they come, and take your house when they leave.


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

what's the difference between a steroid and a hormone?


----------



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

do we have to guess this one too?


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

you can't hear a steroid


----------



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

That was awesome. I applaud that joke.


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f&amp;ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


----------



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

Duffel Bags

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."


----------



## frazil (Feb 17, 2009)

cement said:


> A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
> The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f&amp;ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."
> 
> Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
> ...


that's funny.


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"


----------



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

dude, herpes is the gift that keeps on giving


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"


----------



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.

On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.

The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.

Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your



Spoiler



pussy


?" The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.

However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your



Spoiler



pussy


?"

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your



Spoiler



pussy


?" she asks, hesitantly.

"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

resourceful and clever!

I'm going to go barf now.


----------



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

hey! that reminds me of another joke...


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

do tell.

we are waiting.


----------



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

I would like to reference the original posting and the aftermath

http://engineerboards.com/index.php?s=&amp;amp...t&amp;p=6680978


----------



## roadwreck (Feb 17, 2009)

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


----------



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

on that note...

why are women's feet smaller than men's feet?


----------



## roadwreck (Feb 17, 2009)

I don't know, do tell


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

this should be a good one


----------



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

so they can stand closer to the kitchen sink


----------



## roadwreck (Feb 17, 2009)

doh! I knew that one!


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

that is just true, right?


----------



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

how many members of the A Team does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


----------



## roadwreck (Feb 17, 2009)

how many gAy teamers would it take?


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

wait a sec, I've got a picture somewhere...


----------



## csb (Feb 17, 2009)

Eleven...one to screw it in and ten to scream, "Faaaaaaaaabulous!"


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

cement said:


> I really shouldn't be such a sore loser.
> I just want to say congrats to


well played! three four five


----------



## roadwreck (Feb 17, 2009)

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

they say there is truth in all humor


----------



## roadwreck (Feb 17, 2009)

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

herpes is the gift that keeps on giving


----------



## NCcarguy (Feb 17, 2009)

Back during the Vietnam war, this American was sent to the edge of a river to scout the enemies position, after a day or two, he noticed this North Vietnamese soldier walking up to the other side of the river, obviously this man was here for the same reason.....Every day for the next 2 weeks the two men basically sat on the banks opposite each other just waiting for the other man to do something....Finally the American thought, this is silly, I'll just try to communicate with him, so the American got to thinking, Maybe he'll understand some hand signals, so he waved at the enemy scout to get his attention. The scout acknowledged the wave....The American threw his arms straight out to the side, then slowly lowered his hands....He was trying to ask the guy if he was a PARATROOPER....the scout just stood there, so the American started waving his arms like he was swimming, thinking maybe the scout was some kind of marine....again, he just stared back...then the American thought...maybe he's just an infantry man....so he started pounding his right fist, into his left hand...again...the enemy just stared back.....So his last message, the American took his hands up to his eyes, and made a loop with his fingers, like he was holding a pair of binoculars, and started moving his fingers back and forth closer, then away from his face.....he was asking the man if he was just a lookout.....again...the scout stared back, but soon after that he left.

The Vietnamese scout then went back to his commanding officer and reported...Those damn Americans are crazy!! I don't want to have anything to do with them, the commander asked the scout....why is that? The scout said....after sitting across the river from one American for a couple of weeks, he started waiving at me....when he finally got my attention...he started making hand gestures at me....and from what I can tell, he told me that when the sun goes down, I'm going to swim across this river, and f#$%k you in the ass, until your eyes pop out!.....

btw.....this is funny as hell if I tell it WITH the appropriate hand signals, but I have NO IDEA how funny it is to read it....so sorry if it's not!!!!..lol!


----------



## cement (Feb 17, 2009)

that is really very funny :appl:


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 17, 2009)

Now that right there is a quality post!


----------



## Chucktown PE (Feb 17, 2009)

csb said:


> A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
> 
> The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
> 
> ...





Spoiler



?" The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.

However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your

pussy


?"

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your



Spoiler



pussy


?" she asks, hesitantly.

"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."


CSB nevers fails to disappoint. Totally disgusting and totally awesome.


----------



## frazil (Feb 17, 2009)

roadwreck said:


> This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
> He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
> 
> "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
> ...






cement said:


> herpes is the gift that keeps on giving


Hmmm....this sounds familiar


----------



## klk (Feb 18, 2009)

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"


----------



## roadwreck (Feb 18, 2009)

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"


----------



## cement (Feb 18, 2009)

that is just wrong on so many levels.


----------



## Chucktown PE (Feb 18, 2009)

We really need to start spamming or the A team is going to take the lead. Where TF is VTE?


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 18, 2009)

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"

"1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."


----------



## Guest (Feb 18, 2009)

Q: How are a woman and KFC Chicken alike?

A: Once you are done with the breasts and thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to stick your bone in!

JR


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 18, 2009)

Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"


----------



## Chucktown PE (Feb 18, 2009)

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 18, 2009)

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"


----------



## csb (Feb 18, 2009)

you know, Hallmark is probably pretty close to starting a line of those...


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 18, 2009)

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".


----------



## Chucktown PE (Feb 18, 2009)

Excuse me while I go place my lunch in the toilet.


----------



## csb (Feb 18, 2009)

A young Polish girl was hitchhiking along the Interstate, and a big semi pulled over to pick her up. The driver was a serious CB addict, and the dashboard boasted an enormous CB radio.

"That's the best radio ever made," he explained to the bug-eyed girl. "You can talk anywhere in the world with it."

"No kidding," she gasped. "Boy, I would really love to talk to my mother in Poland."

"Oh, yeah?"

"I would give anything to talk to my mother in Poland."

"Anything?" he asked.

"Anything," she assured him.

"Well, maybe we can work something out," he leered, pulling his cock, by this time erect, out of his pants.

So the girl leaned over, bent down, and said loudly, "HELLO, MOM?"


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 18, 2009)

Here's another one for you, Chuck.

A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss... when she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "when is the last time you've had sex?" the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.. he checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted"


----------



## klk (Feb 18, 2009)

All I have to say is wow! These are great!


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 18, 2009)

Oh, I've got more:

Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says.

The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."


----------



## csb (Feb 18, 2009)

What's that old joke about a perfect ten? Three feet tall, no teeth and with a flat head, so you have somewhere to put your beer?


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 18, 2009)

This one almost made me place my lunch in the toilet when I first heard it:

There were these two gay guys that give each other anal each night. One night before they give each other anal one of the guys has to go to the toilet. So the other guy says "okay but don't wank in there, save it for later." and the first guy agrees. This guy was in the toilet for a while so the other gay guy decides to check on him. Once he opens the toilet door he sees lots of seamen everywhere. He gets angry and yells "I thought I told you not to wank and to save it for later!" to the first gay guy. The first gay guy replies "I didn't wank, I just farted."


----------



## csb (Feb 18, 2009)

What do you do with a dog with no legs?


----------



## frazil (Feb 18, 2009)

aagh! FLBuff...that one took me a minute.


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 18, 2009)

csb said:


> What do you do with a dog with no legs?


I don't know, csb. What do you do with a dog with no legs?



frazil said:


> aagh! FLBuff...that one took me a minute.


Hey, you were warned at post #1 about this thread.


----------



## cement (Feb 18, 2009)

you take him for a drag?


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 18, 2009)

While we await csb's answer...

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"


----------



## snickerd3 (Feb 18, 2009)

FLBuff PE said:


> A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".


One of the girls I went to college with was pissed at her boyfriend so she did this very thing to him.


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 18, 2009)

snickerd3 said:


> One of the girls I went to college with was pissed at her boyfriend so she did this very thing to him.


Oh man. Talk about vindictive. Here's another, for Flyer PE...

A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel. He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunettes lips and started kissing her. She asks what the red wine is for and he replies, "For when I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says. A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her tits. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, "For when I have white meat - I have white wine." Eventually he works his way down to her cunt, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the fuck did you do that!?!" she yells. The pilot replies, "For when I go down, I want to go down in flames."


----------



## cement (Feb 18, 2009)

I was expecting a water landing for that one.


----------



## klk (Feb 18, 2009)

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."


----------



## rudy (Feb 18, 2009)

No animals or worms were hurt during the making of this joke. --PETA


----------



## klk (Feb 18, 2009)

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"


----------



## rudy (Feb 18, 2009)

Let's try this... This may be too dirty for some viewers... What am i talking about? This is EB.com

Two white horses fell in the mud...

:huh:


----------



## klk (Feb 18, 2009)

um, i'm drawing a blank on this one . . .


----------



## rudy (Feb 19, 2009)

Ok. it may not be a joke. But it's dirty.


----------



## klk (Feb 19, 2009)

dirty is good. four five


----------



## rudy (Feb 19, 2009)

Here's another dirty one, for the fans out there.

Why did Tigger smell? Because he was playing with Pooh.


----------



## Chucktown PE (Feb 19, 2009)

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"


----------



## cement (Feb 19, 2009)

what, no kittens? is that it?


----------



## roadwreck (Feb 19, 2009)

Haven't you heard? Fried cat is a breakfast deliciously on the farm.


----------



## Chucktown PE (Feb 19, 2009)

Here's another one:

A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" The Dad confused, asks him " before or after sex?" The kid says "Ummm before sex" So the dad says to him "Well have u ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red peddles." "yeah" says the son."well what about after sex" he says to his dad. His dad replies " Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"


----------



## cement (Feb 19, 2009)

you certainly can paint a word picture!


----------



## Chucktown PE (Feb 19, 2009)

Where is csb. I might go dig through the 10k and find some of her nasty ass jokes.


----------



## frazil (Feb 19, 2009)

did she ever answer the dog one?


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 19, 2009)

So this guy goes to a pet shop and says to the owner "My dog died, and I want to get another." The owner says to him "You don't want a dog. You want to buy this toothless hamster instead." The guy says "Why would I want to buy a toothless hampster?" "Undo your zipper and I'll show you," says the owner. Trepidaciously, the guy undoes his zipper. The owner puts the hampster by the guys crotch, and the hampster gives the guy the best blowjob he's ever had.

The guy buys the hampster.

The guy goes home, and finds his wife in the kitchen. He puts the hampster on the floor. His wife shrieks "What is that? I thought you were getting us a dog!" The replies "Never mind what it is...teach it how to cook and get the [email protected] out!"


----------



## csb (Feb 19, 2009)

Sorry...I had a meeting today that was long.

What do you with a dog with no legs?

You take it for a drag!


----------



## Chucktown PE (Feb 19, 2009)

csb said:


> Sorry...I had a meeting today that was long.
> What do you with a dog with no legs?
> 
> You take it for a drag!



csb,

Where was the puke joke that inspired the swanson dinner urban dictionary definition?


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 19, 2009)

A recently widowed Jewish lady was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"


----------



## cement (Feb 19, 2009)

^ now that's funny right there


----------



## rudy (Feb 19, 2009)

any more jokes.... four five


----------



## cement (Feb 19, 2009)

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."


----------



## rudy (Feb 19, 2009)

buah ha ha ha ha.... are those words? one two three four five


----------



## klk (Feb 20, 2009)

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."


----------



## roadwreck (Feb 20, 2009)

just checking in this morning.


----------



## cement (Feb 20, 2009)

there were checks in the piggy bank too?


----------



## snickerd3 (Feb 20, 2009)

some of these are really good. I wish I was creative to think up somethese on my own.


----------



## cement (Feb 20, 2009)

I just steal them from joke websites


----------



## snickerd3 (Feb 20, 2009)

can't do that from work


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 20, 2009)

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."


----------



## Guest (Feb 20, 2009)

Okay .. this is bad .. but came to mind:

What is white, sticky, and falls from the sky?



Spoiler



The cumming of the lord!


(don't read if you are easily offended)

JR


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 20, 2009)

^^^I'm pretty sure you're going somewhere nice and warm for that.


----------



## csb (Feb 20, 2009)

I'm pretty sure that if you're easily offended, you shouldn't click on this thread!


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 20, 2009)

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."


----------



## Old as Dirt Geo (Feb 20, 2009)

A man walks into a tatoo shop and asks for a tatoo of a $100 bill on his manhood. The tatoo artist said he will do it only if the man tells him why he is want the tatoo. The man said I have 3 reasons

The first is I like to play with my money, the sencod is I like to see my money grow and the trid is I want to see how long it takes my wife to blow this 100 buck.


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 27, 2009)

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."


----------



## cement (Feb 27, 2009)

whoa! the thread is opened!


----------



## FLBuff PE (Feb 27, 2009)

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."


----------



## FLBuff PE (Jun 16, 2009)

A man goes to a whorehouse with two dollars. He explains his plight to the Madam, who tells him 'Go up tp the top floor. We have a dead hooker up there.' So the guy goes upstairs.

About 20 minutes later, he comes back downstairs. 'Well, how was it?' the madam asks. 'It was great, but her nose kept running,' the man replied.

[SIZE=18pt]*WARNING: DO NOT READ DURING/NEAR LUNCHTIME*[/SIZE]



Spoiler



The madam replied 'Oh, she must be full.'


----------



## csb (Jun 16, 2009)

ewwwww

but funny


----------



## PE-ness (Jun 17, 2009)

So this average white guy was peeing in a public toilet, standing at the urinal, when this big black guy comes running in to the urinal next to him, whips out a giant, 12 inch schlong, and says "Whew! Just made it!" and begins relieving himself.

Not being able to help seeing the enormous schlong, the average white guy turns to him and says "Could you make me one, too?"


----------



## Guest (Jul 17, 2009)

I just got texted this one from a friend ....



Spoiler



Sex is like paintball: you play hard for 30 minutes, get hot and sweaty, and when it's all over your just glad you aren't the one who got shot in the face.



h34r: h34r:

JR


----------



## pbrme (Jan 25, 2013)

> Sorry...I had a meeting today that was long.
> 
> What do you with a dog with no legs?
> 
> You take it for a drag!


I heard it this way:

What do you call a dog with no legs?

_Nothing, the fucker won't come to you anyways._

And a few more...

What do you call a cow with two legs?_ Lean beef_

What do you call a cow with no legs?_ Ground beef_

What do you call a woman with one leg?_ Ileen_

What do you call an oriental woman with one leg?_ Ireen_

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, water skiing?_ Skip_

What do you call a man with no arms or legs swimming?_ Bob_

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs raking leaves?_ Russel_


----------



## pbrme (Jan 25, 2013)

since no one's posted any yet:

*What did Hellen Keller name her dog?* ..._ughhh_

*How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?* _By walking on her text books with their golf shoes._ ...or _They moved the furniture around._ ...or _Stuck door knobs on the walls._

*What's Hellen Keller's favorite color?* _Corduroy_ ...or _Velcro_

*Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?* _She needs the other to moan with._

*Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff?* _Nothing, she was wearing mittens._

*If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound?*

*What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?* _Endless love_


----------



## MA_PE (Jan 25, 2013)

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Art

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the floor? Matt

How do you make a homone? don't pay her


----------



## Flyer_PE (Jan 25, 2013)

What do you cal a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pond? Bob


----------



## IlPadrino (Jan 25, 2013)

"How do you make a hormone?" I heard the quickest way was to put sand in the vaseline.


----------



## Mike in Gastonia (Jan 25, 2013)

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

She was a woman.......... &lt; quickly ducks &gt;


----------



## guitarjamman (Jan 28, 2013)

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin..............


----------



## pbrme (Jan 28, 2013)

A cowboy was riding through the desert one day...

As the cowboy scanned the sun baked landscape, he noticed a dark silhouette on a nearby dune, and decided to check it out.

As he rounded the top, he was shocked to see a naked Indian laying square on his back, with his dick standing straight in the air.

The cowboy peared down and asked the naked Indian; "what the Hell do you think yer doin?"

The naked Indian looked back up at the cowboy and said; "me tell'em time"

The cowboy asked; "well what time is it?"

Naked Indian looks accross at his pecker and says; "It'em about 2:30"

The cowboy pulls out his pocket watch and says; "damn, yer right on the money." and rides off.

A while later, he noticed another dark silhouette on a nearby dune, and decided to check it out.

As he rounded the top, there was another naked Indian laying square on his back, with his dick standing straight in the air.

The cowboy peared down and asked the naked Indian; "what the Hell do you think yer doin?"

The naked Indian looked back up at the cowboy and said; "me tell'em time"

The cowboy said; "well what time is it?"

Naked Indian looks accross at his pecker and says; "It'em about 2:54"

The cowboy pulls out his pocket watch and says; "damn, yer right on the money." and rides off.

A little while later, he noticed another dark silhouette on a nearby dune, and rode up to check it out.

At the top there was another naked Indian laying square on his back, dick standing straight in the air, and jackin' it.

The cowboy asked the naked Indian; "The Hell do you think yer doin?"

The naked Indian looked back up at the cowboy and said; "me whind'em clock"


----------



## Master slacker (Jul 12, 2013)

Q. What's the hardest thing about eating vegetables? 

A. Getting them back in the wheelchair when you're finished.


----------



## Master slacker (Jul 12, 2013)

Did you hear about the girl that went fishing with 20 guys? 

She came back with a red snapper.


----------



## MA_PE (Jul 12, 2013)

Two guys and one girl get stranded on a desert island.

After a week goes by the girl is so ashamed of what she's been doing.....she commits suicide.

After another week goes by the guys are so ashamed of what they've been doing.....they bury her.

After another week goes by the guys are so ashamed of what they've been doing.....they dig her back up.


----------



## csb (Jul 12, 2013)

I missed this thread!


----------



## Ship Wreck PE (Jul 12, 2013)

Superman was on a mission, and when he flew over WonderWomans house, she was laying by the pool naked. He said I should go get some of that but I am on a mission. So a little while later he flew by and she was still naked by the pool.

He said I think I should go and tap that, so he flew down and bam! Bam! Bam! Them he flew away.

Wonder Woman jumped up and said "what the hell was that"?? And the Invisible man answered her and said " I don't know? But it sure tore my ass up"!!!!!


----------

