Airport Security Tales

[Dleg]

This is from a friend who recently traveled to the island of Rota, which is part of the Northern Mariana Islands, and therefore travel is considered intra-state.

He had spent the evening and was preparing to return to Saipan, and was in line to pass through security at "Rota International Airport." RIA security is handled, believe it or not, by our illustrious Department of Homeland Security Transportation Security Administration, which has stationed one or two "experienced" mainland supervisors there, in charge of a locally hired staff.

So, my buddy gets up to the X-ray machine and puts his bag in, after answering "no" to the laptop question. His bag goes through, and then stops, and goes backward and forward a few times. The X-ray tech motions over to the other TSA guy to come take a look. They both have very concerned looks on their faces. Finally, the second TSA guy keys his mike and my buddy hears him say "possible IED".

The Mainlander TSA supervisor then rushes out, along with several other TSA staff and airport security, which surround the X-ray station. The boss man takes a look at the screen and then orders the airport cleared. Security then proceeds to usher everyone (but my buddy) out of the small airport, while the announcements are made over the intercom.

Meanwhile, my friend is asking the TSA guys what the problem is, and if he could see the screen. The TSA guys are getting more and more worked up, nervous, sweaty, etcetera, and have evacuated all but two guys on the X-ray machine and two guys to closely guard my friend, who is insisting that there is nothing dangerous in his bag.

Finally, the lead TSA guy lets my friend see the screen and points to the "IED". My friend immediately identifies it as a watermelon that he bought from a roadside vendor on the way to the airport. The TSA supervisor passes the bag through and asks everyone else to leave, and then goes about carefully unzipping the bag, sweat dripping from his brow....

... And pulls out a watermelon. "I told you guys it was a watermelon!" My friend keeps insisting. The TSA guys confiscate the watermelon, call "all clear", and then re-open the airport. No apologies, no explanation, just a bunch of overreactive jackasses. (and no, my friend does not fit the terrorist profile, he is a middle-aged, gray-haired, white engineer).

 

[TouchDown]

I guess better safe than sorry... but COME ON. I bet those guys are enjoying watermellon.

 

[benbo]

We went to visit my wife's relatives in Missouri last summer, and bought some homemade lye soap from some Amish people. It got flagged at the airport, and we had a big hassle explaining what it was. Ultimately, they let us on with it. I made a bunch of jokes about Amish terrorists, but then I thought about it, and isn't lye soap some sort of petroleum product? Maybe it could be used by a terrorist. Anyway, it was funny.

 

[DVINNY]

I once got flagged because I had a condom full of drugs stuffed up my a.................

...... nevermind, that was a video I was watching on UTube the other night.

 

[SkyWarp]

One time when I was in Japan they used a machine to scan my soda bottle and then they let me carry it onto the plane... true story.

 

[Desert Engineer]

I like how when coming back from some international airports, they have the duty free zone and around the corner they have the security check point where you can drop off all the cheap stuff you just purchased because it is a security concern.

 

[rudy]

I remember a few months after they implemented the new airport security measures. I forget where I was flying too, but I vividly remember that they would randomly pull people aside for extra screening. Well, the little old lady in front of me got pulled over. She must of been 80 years old or so. I think her wheelchair is what made security suspicious.

 

[Wolverine]

I was flying home out of Rochester after visiting my grandparents in upstate NY a few years back. Someone had left some art supplies at their house and they gave them to me. Among the swag was a quart jar of GESSO, printed in big black on white letters. Gesso is a white acrylic paint that you use as primer on non-canvas surfaces.

TSA hand screened my bag and out comes the GESSO.

"What's this?"

"Um, it's gesso."

"What's it for"

"Um, it's acryclic paint. Not flammable. Not dangerous. It's just gesso."

[the magic book comes out and they try to look up gesso]

"It's not in the book."

"Um, does that mean not-in-the-book=good or not-in-the-book=bad?"

"It's not in the book at all."

"If we drop that in the trash, can I go get on my plane?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Bye. Nice doing business with you."

 

[Capt Worley PE]

Back when I worked for the DoD, I carried a missile launcher from an F-15 onto an airplane as carryon luggage. The flight attendants stored it up with them because of the size :true:

Bet you can't do that anymore.

The funny thing is I got stopped once carrying a ground safety pin for the same launcher. I told the security guy it was a missile launcher safety pin. When he called the supervisor, I realized I'd better reconsider my verbage. I told him it was a ground safety pin for an F-15. He let me go on.

 

[squishles10]

Back when I worked for the DoD, I carried a missile launcher from an F-15 onto an airplane as carryon luggage.

:bananalama:

 

[Slugger926]

Back when I worked for the DoD, I carried a missile launcher from an F-15 onto an airplane as carryon luggage. The flight attendants stored it up with them because of the size :true:
Bet you can't do that anymore.

The funny thing is I got stopped once carrying a ground safety pin for the same launcher. I told the security guy it was a missile launcher safety pin. When he called the supervisor, I realized I'd better reconsider my verbage. I told him it was a ground safety pin for an F-15. He let me go on.

Back when I started working in Telecom 12 years ago, the timing clocks had to be transported by either a licensed hazard material handler or by a PE due to the radioactive materials they contanied. We had a PE that would take timing clocks as carry-on all over the country and to International sites.

 

[ODB_PE]

My dad left TX with a sealed six-pack of canned Wolf Chili. (I guess they don't sell it in upstate NY)

They wouldn't let him take it because it was a liquid. My dad reasoned that nobody on the plane would have a can opener, but they didn't buy it. I'm guessing it was getting close to lunch and the screeners were in the mood for chili.

 

[Slugger926]

I remember a few months after they implemented the new airport security measures. I forget where I was flying too, but I vividly remember that they would randomly pull people aside for extra screening. Well, the little old lady in front of me got pulled over. She must of been 80 years old or so. I think her wheelchair is what made security suspicious.

I made several trips in October thru December of 2001. If there was a female guard, the extra screening was not random for me. They screened me every time, and always had me unbuckle and unzip for them to grope right before entering airplane. IT WAS WEIRD. I did get one phone number from the only cute guard though.

 

[Dark Knight]

I am a regular on the Special Screening lines at the airports. :true:

I think it is because my blonde hair and my blue eyes. But when I moved to Florida they stopped my daughter at Atlanta for a special screening. She was 9 years old at that time. She really looked mean I guess.

 

[squishles10]

First week of October 2001 I flew home and did the following:

1. Bought the ticket 3 days in advance

2. Flew alone

3. Didn't check any luggage

I got checked at the following locations:

1. Ticket counter

2. Xray machine

3. Gate

4. Gate at layover location

I will never do that again. Next time I'll check an empty bag!

 

[ODB_PE]

First week of October 2001 I flew home and did the following:
1. Bought the ticket 3 days in advance

2. Flew alone

3. Didn't check any luggage

I got checked at the following locations:

1. Ticket counter

2. Xray machine

3. Gate

4. Gate at layover location

I will never do that again. Next time I'll check an empty bag!

Well, you did turn out to be an international jewel launderer. I guess they were not too far off.

 

[squishles10]

Well, you did turn out to be an international jewel launderer. I guess they were not too far off.

 

[ODB_PE]

I really prefer this one: :Locolaugh: or this one: :lmao:

 

[udpolo15]

About 6-months after 9/11 I went to some training for soil sampling with an X-ray fluorescence (XRF) analyzer. The XRF is the size of a brick, comes in a oversized case surrounded by foam and has radioactive signs all over it. I was talking to the trainer and asked him airport security was with the XRF. He told me he never has been asked a question.

Some tips for would be hijackers:

1) dress like a grandma = you will surely get stopped and strip searched

2) disguise your weapon as a radioactive brick = home free.

 

[Katiebug]

Hey, TSA stands for "Thousands Standing Around". You've got to remember that for most TSAers, the gig is a step up from flipping burgers or working in the janitorial field.

German airport security went nutty over an infrared pyrometer that I was carrying-on a few years back. They did the ETD swab on it three times before I could explain to a supervisor what it was. "It's a special thermometer" did the trick. Then they ran me back through the metal detector and patted me down again, and let me proceed. German security gives EVERYONE a pat-down after the metal detector. You haven't truly lived until you've been yelled at in German (especially when you don't know the language) and finally go through the metal detector, only to be met on the other side by a large woman who efficiently gropes you. At least it's not something special reserved for the unfortunate few who get the SSSS on their boarding pass.

US TSA was completely fine with my instrumentation, though. Never got asked a question about the plastic box with a trigger device and the "LASER" stickers all over it.

Coming back from that trip to Europe, the US Customs agent at Dulles asked me many, many questions about where I was born, where I went to college, where I lived, who I lived with, who I worked for. She wanted a detailed explanation of why I was born in Iowa but now lived in Connecticut (let's see, my parents did this shocking thing called MOVING). She finally asked me how an elevator works, and when I pulled out a pad of graph paper and a calculator and started making sketches, she told me I passed the test and sent me on my way. I wasn't aware that terrorists or international arms dealers were posing as mechanical engineers in the elevator industry. :screwloose: