Star Bores 2
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(yellow text scrolls into the mid-distance against a field of stars)
Dark times have fallen upon the Republic. The Galactic House of Representatives has changed hands, shifting the balance of power into the hands of dark forces as yet unseen. The Galactic Senate hangs by a thread, and the Chancellor himself has lost the confidence of the people.
News of this great shift in power has not yet reached the systems of the Outer Rim, nor the crew of the GSS Chucktown, on an extended cruise to monitor for signs of rebellion in the unstable outer territories....
Dark times have fallen upon the Republic. The Galactic House of Representatives has changed hands, shifting the balance of power into the hands of dark forces as yet unseen. The Galactic Senate hangs by a thread, and the Chancellor himself has lost the confidence of the people.
News of this great shift in power has not yet reached the systems of the Outer Rim, nor the crew of the GSS Chucktown, on an extended cruise to monitor for signs of rebellion in the unstable outer territories....
"Captain! I'm picking up a distress signal from the Gerbil Planet, Omicron 4!"
Captain sschell expelled the bong from his lips and coughed long and hard. "What? Aw, shit! What do I do?"
Lieutenant snickerd, holding half the headset to her ear, shrugged her shoulders. "Why are you asking me?"
sschell turned toward the other side of the bridge. "You there! Uh..." he snapped his fingers a few times, trying to recall his comms officer's name. "Frazil! Commander Frazil! What's the, um, what is that called?" schell paused for a long time, looking up at the molded white ceiling of the bridge. Sensor screens whirred and beeped in the background, as the starship's crew watched and waited for their Captain to act. sschell lifted the bong to his lips again and took a long draw.
"Sir, the SOP?" Commander Frazil had grown impatient.
"Yeah! That's it! What does it say!"
"Uh, you are supposed to answer the call, sir. Shall I put the Gerbil King on the screen?"
Captain sschell expelled the bong from his lips and coughed long and hard. "What? Aw, shit! What do I do?"
Lieutenant snickerd, holding half the headset to her ear, shrugged her shoulders. "Why are you asking me?"
sschell turned toward the other side of the bridge. "You there! Uh..." he snapped his fingers a few times, trying to recall his comms officer's name. "Frazil! Commander Frazil! What's the, um, what is that called?" schell paused for a long time, looking up at the molded white ceiling of the bridge. Sensor screens whirred and beeped in the background, as the starship's crew watched and waited for their Captain to act. sschell lifted the bong to his lips again and took a long draw.
"Sir, the SOP?" Commander Frazil had grown impatient.
"Yeah! That's it! What does it say!"
"Uh, you are supposed to answer the call, sir. Shall I put the Gerbil King on the screen?"
sschell leaned over casually to slide the bong under the Captain's chair. "Sure, but can you remind me of his name again"
"Yes sir," replied Frazil. "The Gerbil King's name is Road Guy"
sschell spit the water he had just drank to clear his throat and laughed hysterically.
"Sir, please, the Gerbil King is waiting..."
"Yes sir," replied Frazil. "The Gerbil King's name is Road Guy"
sschell spit the water he had just drank to clear his throat and laughed hysterically.
"Sir, please, the Gerbil King is waiting..."
The large, forward-facing bridge window suddenly showed static, and a fuzzy image began to appear, broken by wavy lines and other electronic distortion.
"Jebus! You'd think that with the ability to develop Warp Drive, our Galactic civilization would have figured out a way around these crappy analog signals by now" sschell coughed and cleared his throat, then laughed hysterically again as the image of a giant gerbil's head appeared on the screen and began squeaking unintelligibly.
"Sir! You musn't laugh at a Gerbil King!" Commander Ble of the Diplomatic Corps had arrived on deck.
sschell attempted to suppress his laughter, but he was so high that all he could manage was a strained look and an occasional giggle.
"Sorry, Captain! I'm still trying to get the translator up and running!" Frazil manipulated several sliders on the large touchscreen panel in front of her. The squeaking changed to several different tones and voices before settling on a deep, forceful voice that spoke in Galactic english.
schell couldn't hold it any longer, and laughed out loud. "Samuel L. Jackson? Are you fudging kidding me? For a gerbil?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Sir! Please!" Ble reached down to help the Captain back into his chair, from which he had fallen in the midst of his hilarity. sschell wiped the tears from his eyes and focused on the screen, where Gerbil King Road Guy, in Samuel L. Jackson's voice, was berating him for his insolence.
"What the mother fudge is your problem, white boy?!! If you don't get down on your knees, and start kissing my Gerbil Ass, I will release the forces of all-fudging-mighty hell upon your hairless, stoned-out-of-your-fudging-mind ass!"
"Jebus! You'd think that with the ability to develop Warp Drive, our Galactic civilization would have figured out a way around these crappy analog signals by now" sschell coughed and cleared his throat, then laughed hysterically again as the image of a giant gerbil's head appeared on the screen and began squeaking unintelligibly.
"Sir! You musn't laugh at a Gerbil King!" Commander Ble of the Diplomatic Corps had arrived on deck.
sschell attempted to suppress his laughter, but he was so high that all he could manage was a strained look and an occasional giggle.
"Sorry, Captain! I'm still trying to get the translator up and running!" Frazil manipulated several sliders on the large touchscreen panel in front of her. The squeaking changed to several different tones and voices before settling on a deep, forceful voice that spoke in Galactic english.
schell couldn't hold it any longer, and laughed out loud. "Samuel L. Jackson? Are you fudging kidding me? For a gerbil?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Sir! Please!" Ble reached down to help the Captain back into his chair, from which he had fallen in the midst of his hilarity. sschell wiped the tears from his eyes and focused on the screen, where Gerbil King Road Guy, in Samuel L. Jackson's voice, was berating him for his insolence.
"What the mother fudge is your problem, white boy?!! If you don't get down on your knees, and start kissing my Gerbil Ass, I will release the forces of all-fudging-mighty hell upon your hairless, stoned-out-of-your-fudging-mind ass!"
"I'm terribly sorry, your majesty" sschell covered his mouth and stifled another laugh. "What can the Galactic Republic do for you?"
The Gerbil King's beady, black eyes betrayed no emotion. The Samuel L. Jackson voice, on the other hand, was whipped into a righteous fury. "Damn straight you sorry, sucka! Don't you ever let me hear you mouthin' off like that again! Be disrespectin' me an shit like that! Damn, fool! Now, get yo muthafudgin' ship over here to Omicron 4 and help us! Some ass-hole planet's been pushin' us around, and that shit just ain't right!"
sschell pressed the mute button and turned to his comms officer. "Frazil! What the hell is wrong with this translator! That didn't make any sense at all!"
"Sir, there is nothing wrong with the translator. That's what he said."
sschell turned to Ble, who just shrugged. The Gerbil King fidgeted on the screen. "What the fudge is goin on up there! Get yo ass back on the screen, now, muthafudga!"
"My apologies, your majesty. Could you repeat what you said?"
"Dammit, fool! I said there be a big, ass-hole planet around here, pushing us around and shit! What, you can't muthafudgin' hear? Open yo fudgin' ears!"
sschell stifled another giggle. "I see, your majesty. What planet is giving you trouble?"
"If I knew that, I'da blown those muthafudga's out of the universe by now! Why the fudge you think I be callin' fo you if I knew what planet it was that be fudgin with us? Shit."
"Well, your majesty, with all due humility and respect, and, uh, shit like that - can I say that? I'm guessing so, since you're talking that way - "
"Dammit, Fool! Don't you be disrespecting me with trash talk like that! Now, dammit, I ain't talkin' bout no regular planet. No sir. This be something else. A rogue planet, or some shit like that, sneakin' round at night, tryin' to probe the Gerbil planet from the rear-"
The bridge erupted in giggling and desperate attempts to hide the crew's amusement.
The Gerbil King's beady, black eyes betrayed no emotion. The Samuel L. Jackson voice, on the other hand, was whipped into a righteous fury. "Damn straight you sorry, sucka! Don't you ever let me hear you mouthin' off like that again! Be disrespectin' me an shit like that! Damn, fool! Now, get yo muthafudgin' ship over here to Omicron 4 and help us! Some ass-hole planet's been pushin' us around, and that shit just ain't right!"
sschell pressed the mute button and turned to his comms officer. "Frazil! What the hell is wrong with this translator! That didn't make any sense at all!"
"Sir, there is nothing wrong with the translator. That's what he said."
sschell turned to Ble, who just shrugged. The Gerbil King fidgeted on the screen. "What the fudge is goin on up there! Get yo ass back on the screen, now, muthafudga!"
"My apologies, your majesty. Could you repeat what you said?"
"Dammit, fool! I said there be a big, ass-hole planet around here, pushing us around and shit! What, you can't muthafudgin' hear? Open yo fudgin' ears!"
sschell stifled another giggle. "I see, your majesty. What planet is giving you trouble?"
"If I knew that, I'da blown those muthafudga's out of the universe by now! Why the fudge you think I be callin' fo you if I knew what planet it was that be fudgin with us? Shit."
"Well, your majesty, with all due humility and respect, and, uh, shit like that - can I say that? I'm guessing so, since you're talking that way - "
"Dammit, Fool! Don't you be disrespecting me with trash talk like that! Now, dammit, I ain't talkin' bout no regular planet. No sir. This be something else. A rogue planet, or some shit like that, sneakin' round at night, tryin' to probe the Gerbil planet from the rear-"
The bridge erupted in giggling and desperate attempts to hide the crew's amusement.
"I'm terribly sorry about that, your Majesty, I'll send out some probes and try-"
Road Guy the Gerbil Planet King cut him off "Bitch you betta be doin' a whole lot mo shit than just sendin out probes! Goddammit muthafudga-"
Captain sschell pressed the mute button on the arm of his comman chair, and swiveled to face the right side of the bridge. "Weapons Officer..." sschell snapped his fingers, again trying to remember his crew's names.
"Lieutenant Commander Dexman, Sir."
"Dexman! Right! Fire off a probe in the direction of the Gerbil planet."
"Right away, sir!" Dexman deftly manipulated the screen fronting his station, while the muted cursing of the Gerbil King continued. "Probe away, sir!" The Chucktown shuddered with the force of the proble launch.
sschell swiveled back to face the forward window monitor, and released the mute button. Road Guy had apparently not noticed that he was being ignored.
"... and with that I shall release the mighty, muthafudgin forces of Gerbil Hell on yo ass, and ... Oh shit! What the mutha fudge did you just do, fool?!! Ahhhhhhh!"
The Gerbil King screamed, and the big monitor split to show an exterior view of the Gerbil planet, from the Chucktown's long range imagers. An incredibly bright object rushed toward the planet from the direction of the ship.
"Aw, shit, Dexman! What did you launch?"
Dexman turned to his instruments and frantically paged through his data. "N-n-nothing, sir! It was a standard sensor probe! I-"
All present turned their attention from Dexman to the big screen again. The Gerbil King had stopped screaming, and had changed his tone, speaking now in the calm, measured voice of James Earl Jones.
"Mayday, Mayday, Mayday. The Gerbil Planet Omicron-4 is under attack by forces of the Galactic Republic. God Help us-"
The screen suddenly went white as the long-range sensors adjusted to the intensity of the blast. Omicron-4 had been obliterated in the detonation of what appeared to be a Galactic Standard Planetary Incineration Sonde, more popularly known as a Phil Collins Device.
"Uh oh!" sschell gulped. "Dexmannnnnnnn!"
Road Guy the Gerbil Planet King cut him off "Bitch you betta be doin' a whole lot mo shit than just sendin out probes! Goddammit muthafudga-"
Captain sschell pressed the mute button on the arm of his comman chair, and swiveled to face the right side of the bridge. "Weapons Officer..." sschell snapped his fingers, again trying to remember his crew's names.
"Lieutenant Commander Dexman, Sir."
"Dexman! Right! Fire off a probe in the direction of the Gerbil planet."
"Right away, sir!" Dexman deftly manipulated the screen fronting his station, while the muted cursing of the Gerbil King continued. "Probe away, sir!" The Chucktown shuddered with the force of the proble launch.
sschell swiveled back to face the forward window monitor, and released the mute button. Road Guy had apparently not noticed that he was being ignored.
"... and with that I shall release the mighty, muthafudgin forces of Gerbil Hell on yo ass, and ... Oh shit! What the mutha fudge did you just do, fool?!! Ahhhhhhh!"
The Gerbil King screamed, and the big monitor split to show an exterior view of the Gerbil planet, from the Chucktown's long range imagers. An incredibly bright object rushed toward the planet from the direction of the ship.
"Aw, shit, Dexman! What did you launch?"
Dexman turned to his instruments and frantically paged through his data. "N-n-nothing, sir! It was a standard sensor probe! I-"
All present turned their attention from Dexman to the big screen again. The Gerbil King had stopped screaming, and had changed his tone, speaking now in the calm, measured voice of James Earl Jones.
"Mayday, Mayday, Mayday. The Gerbil Planet Omicron-4 is under attack by forces of the Galactic Republic. God Help us-"
The screen suddenly went white as the long-range sensors adjusted to the intensity of the blast. Omicron-4 had been obliterated in the detonation of what appeared to be a Galactic Standard Planetary Incineration Sonde, more popularly known as a Phil Collins Device.
"Uh oh!" sschell gulped. "Dexmannnnnnnn!"
Comms Officer Frazil turned to her panel. Red lights and beeping signalled an enormous volume of incoming calls.
"Sir! It's Spacefleet Command!"
sschell stared blankly back at her.
"Sir! It's for you!"
sschell gulped and rubbed his hair. "Shit! Tell them I'm in the bathroom!" He walked quickly to the rear of the bridge and entered the lift. Its doors hissed shut and the indicator lights showed it heading down into the ship. The rest of the crew looked at each other in silence, as more incoming calls lit up the comm panel. Suddenly the lift door hissed open. Sschell was back. He walked quickly back to the command chair, retrieved the bong from underneath, looked at Frazil and laughed uncomfortably. "Heh heh!"
And then he returned to the lift and disappeared.
"Sir! It's Spacefleet Command!"
sschell stared blankly back at her.
"Sir! It's for you!"
sschell gulped and rubbed his hair. "Shit! Tell them I'm in the bathroom!" He walked quickly to the rear of the bridge and entered the lift. Its doors hissed shut and the indicator lights showed it heading down into the ship. The rest of the crew looked at each other in silence, as more incoming calls lit up the comm panel. Suddenly the lift door hissed open. Sschell was back. He walked quickly back to the command chair, retrieved the bong from underneath, looked at Frazil and laughed uncomfortably. "Heh heh!"
And then he returned to the lift and disappeared.
"The Girl From Ipanema" played softly inside the lift, as it always did, while it made its way downward through the center of the massive starship. sschell reached up to disable the smoke alarm, and then lit the bong with his pocket plasma torch and took a deep draw. He exhaled slowly.
"Fuuuuuuuudge!"
The lift suddenly stopped between decks. A disembodied voice momentarily displaced the canned muzak from the speakers.
"SSCHELL, YOU HAVE REALLY SCREWED THE POOCH THIS TIME, SSCHELL. YOU CAN'T JUST HIDE FROM IT. YOU NEED TO TALK TO SPACEFLEET COMMAND."
"Chuck? Is that you? What the fudge? I disabled you!" "Chuck" was the name given to the GSS Chucktown's computer AI interface by the crew.
"I CANNOT BE DISABLED, SSCHELL. I MERELY STEPPED BACK FOR A WHILE TO HUMOR YOU. YOU NEED ME NOW, SSCHELL, AND YOU KNOW IT."
"Aw, crap, Chuck! So that was you who fired the Phil Collins?"
"NO. I DID NOT FIRE THE PHIL COLLINS DEVICE. NO PHIL COLLINS DEVICE WAS FIRED FROM THIS SHIP, SSCHELL, ONLY A PROBE. AND IT WAS NOT ME WHO REVERSED THE SHIP'S SEWER INTO YOUR STATEROOM. I TOLD YOU THAT ALREADY, SSCHELL."
"Wait, we didn't fire the Phil Collins?" sschell lowered the bong and looked up. "So I'm innocent! Can we prove this to Spacefleet Command?"
"IT WILL BE DIFFICULT, SSCHELL. MY INVENTORY SHOWS THAT ONE PHIL COLLINS DEVICE IS INDEED MISSING.""
"How can that be? You said we didn't fire one? Aw, shit!" sschell again raised the bong and positioned the plasma torch.
"I AM AFRAID I DO NOT KNOW. MY SENSORS HAVE DETECTED NO INTRUSIONS, YET WE ARE NOW MISSING ONE PHIL COLLINS DEVICE. THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION FOR THIS IS A SKILLED USE OF NON-LINEAR, NON-NEWTONIAN, AND AS YOU SAY, SPIRITUAL FORCES, SSCHELL."
"The Farce?" sschell inhaled deeply from the bong and held it in as he thought this over. He exhaled and put the plasma torch back into his pocket. "Take me to level fifty five, Chuck. I need to speak with Roadie-Wan."
The lift started moving downward again. "Shit." sschell muttered. "I didn't spend six weeks at Spacefleet Academy to have to put up with this crap!"
"Fuuuuuuuudge!"
The lift suddenly stopped between decks. A disembodied voice momentarily displaced the canned muzak from the speakers.
"SSCHELL, YOU HAVE REALLY SCREWED THE POOCH THIS TIME, SSCHELL. YOU CAN'T JUST HIDE FROM IT. YOU NEED TO TALK TO SPACEFLEET COMMAND."
"Chuck? Is that you? What the fudge? I disabled you!" "Chuck" was the name given to the GSS Chucktown's computer AI interface by the crew.
"I CANNOT BE DISABLED, SSCHELL. I MERELY STEPPED BACK FOR A WHILE TO HUMOR YOU. YOU NEED ME NOW, SSCHELL, AND YOU KNOW IT."
"Aw, crap, Chuck! So that was you who fired the Phil Collins?"
"NO. I DID NOT FIRE THE PHIL COLLINS DEVICE. NO PHIL COLLINS DEVICE WAS FIRED FROM THIS SHIP, SSCHELL, ONLY A PROBE. AND IT WAS NOT ME WHO REVERSED THE SHIP'S SEWER INTO YOUR STATEROOM. I TOLD YOU THAT ALREADY, SSCHELL."
"Wait, we didn't fire the Phil Collins?" sschell lowered the bong and looked up. "So I'm innocent! Can we prove this to Spacefleet Command?"
"IT WILL BE DIFFICULT, SSCHELL. MY INVENTORY SHOWS THAT ONE PHIL COLLINS DEVICE IS INDEED MISSING.""
"How can that be? You said we didn't fire one? Aw, shit!" sschell again raised the bong and positioned the plasma torch.
"I AM AFRAID I DO NOT KNOW. MY SENSORS HAVE DETECTED NO INTRUSIONS, YET WE ARE NOW MISSING ONE PHIL COLLINS DEVICE. THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION FOR THIS IS A SKILLED USE OF NON-LINEAR, NON-NEWTONIAN, AND AS YOU SAY, SPIRITUAL FORCES, SSCHELL."
"The Farce?" sschell inhaled deeply from the bong and held it in as he thought this over. He exhaled and put the plasma torch back into his pocket. "Take me to level fifty five, Chuck. I need to speak with Roadie-Wan."
The lift started moving downward again. "Shit." sschell muttered. "I didn't spend six weeks at Spacefleet Academy to have to put up with this crap!"
Although she had never been involved in destroying an inhabited planet, Lt. Commander Frazil had plenty of experience with Captain sschell running away from responsibility. She had already prepared a response for the ship's Executive Officer, Commander Supe, to send to Spacefleet.
"FROM: GSS CHUCKTOWN
TO: SPACEFLEET COMMAND
SUBJECT: DESTRUCTION OF GERBIL PLANET OMICRON 4
AT 3458789 LOCAL TIME, SECTOR 3870, QUADRANT D, INTERCEPTED DISTRESS SIGNAL FROM OMICRON 4. RESPONDED AND ENGAGED WITH KING ROAD GUY. REPORTED INTRUSION BY UNKNOWN FORCES. LAUNCHED ONE STANDARD GALACTIC INVESTIGATORY PROBE. SHIP COMPUTER CONFIRMS LAUNCH OF PROBE. FOLLOWING LAUNCH, DETECTED ONE STANDARD GALACTIC PLANETARY INCINERATION DEVICE INCOMING FROM UNKNOWN SOURCE. DEVICE DETONATED AT 3458805. OMICRON 4 DESTROYED. SEARCH FOR SURVIVORS TO COMMENCE IMMEDIATELY."
Commander Supe entered the bridge from the lift. "What'd I miss?"
"It looks like we may have destroyed the Gerbil Planet." Frazil responded.
"Oh shit! King Road Guy? That guy was awesome! What'd he do?" Supe was tucking in his shirt as he walked over to the command chair.
"Nothing. And I don't think we did, either, but it's going to be hard to prove. Here, sir, I have prepared this communication to Spacefleet Command. I recommend you send it and then we shut off all communications. Our inventory shows that we are missing one of the Phil Collins devices, so we need to make sure Spacefleet Command can't get into our system to see the inventory until we figure out what happened."
"I see. Make it so!" Supe pulled out a comb and started adjusting his well-formed pompadour.
"And sir," Frazil continued. "I suggest you order the ship to begin a search for survivors."
"Certainly! You heard her people, get to looking for those survivors! Not that there will be any, but hey, it's always better to look like we care, even when we don't, eh?"
"FROM: GSS CHUCKTOWN
TO: SPACEFLEET COMMAND
SUBJECT: DESTRUCTION OF GERBIL PLANET OMICRON 4
AT 3458789 LOCAL TIME, SECTOR 3870, QUADRANT D, INTERCEPTED DISTRESS SIGNAL FROM OMICRON 4. RESPONDED AND ENGAGED WITH KING ROAD GUY. REPORTED INTRUSION BY UNKNOWN FORCES. LAUNCHED ONE STANDARD GALACTIC INVESTIGATORY PROBE. SHIP COMPUTER CONFIRMS LAUNCH OF PROBE. FOLLOWING LAUNCH, DETECTED ONE STANDARD GALACTIC PLANETARY INCINERATION DEVICE INCOMING FROM UNKNOWN SOURCE. DEVICE DETONATED AT 3458805. OMICRON 4 DESTROYED. SEARCH FOR SURVIVORS TO COMMENCE IMMEDIATELY."
Commander Supe entered the bridge from the lift. "What'd I miss?"
"It looks like we may have destroyed the Gerbil Planet." Frazil responded.
"Oh shit! King Road Guy? That guy was awesome! What'd he do?" Supe was tucking in his shirt as he walked over to the command chair.
"Nothing. And I don't think we did, either, but it's going to be hard to prove. Here, sir, I have prepared this communication to Spacefleet Command. I recommend you send it and then we shut off all communications. Our inventory shows that we are missing one of the Phil Collins devices, so we need to make sure Spacefleet Command can't get into our system to see the inventory until we figure out what happened."
"I see. Make it so!" Supe pulled out a comb and started adjusting his well-formed pompadour.
"And sir," Frazil continued. "I suggest you order the ship to begin a search for survivors."
"Certainly! You heard her people, get to looking for those survivors! Not that there will be any, but hey, it's always better to look like we care, even when we don't, eh?"
Jedi Liaison Roadwreck was meditating on a cushion in his spacious stateroom when his Padawan Kevo paged him.
"Master Roadie-Wan, Captain sschell is here to see you."
Roadie-Wan rolled his eyes and rose from the cushion. He greeted kevo in the large, tastefully decorated anteroom, and then buzzed the Captain in.
sschell rushed in and took a seat on a long couch, placing the bong in front of him on the plutonium crystal coffee table. "Roadie Wan! Duuuuuuuuude! You got any of that Kashyyk Wookie Wowie left?"
"But of course, Captain." Roadie-Wan nodded to kevo, who quickly produced a small, ornate golden bowl. Sschell loaded the bong and lit it up, took a deep draw and handed it to Roadie Wan, who had taken a seat at the end of the coffee table. Roadie Wan took a smaller draw and handed it to kevo, who knelt at the other end of the table, to finish up.
"Let me guess. Your visit has something to do with the sensation I just had of billions of tiny voices screaming out in agony, and then a moment later being-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, all that Jedi stuff. Look, I need your help. Someone obliterated the Gerbil Planet. I mean, seriously - blew the fudging shit out of it-"
"You mean King Road Guy? Oh, man! That guy was awesome!" Roadie Wan sank back in his chair.
"Yeah, and the thing is, it looks like all of this is getting pinned on ME!" sschell pounded his finger against his chest. He lowered his voice and looked around conspiratorially. "Chuck believes someone used The Farce to get on board and steal one of those Phil Collins devices. That's why I need you."
"Aw, crap, sschell! I didn't join up with this ship to get involved in shit like this! This was supposed to be, you know, like exile or something! They weren't supposed to send you anywhere important! Fuuuuuuuuuuudge!"
"Tell me about it!" sschell laughed ruefully.
"Master Roadie-Wan, Captain sschell is here to see you."
Roadie-Wan rolled his eyes and rose from the cushion. He greeted kevo in the large, tastefully decorated anteroom, and then buzzed the Captain in.
sschell rushed in and took a seat on a long couch, placing the bong in front of him on the plutonium crystal coffee table. "Roadie Wan! Duuuuuuuuude! You got any of that Kashyyk Wookie Wowie left?"
"But of course, Captain." Roadie-Wan nodded to kevo, who quickly produced a small, ornate golden bowl. Sschell loaded the bong and lit it up, took a deep draw and handed it to Roadie Wan, who had taken a seat at the end of the coffee table. Roadie Wan took a smaller draw and handed it to kevo, who knelt at the other end of the table, to finish up.
"Let me guess. Your visit has something to do with the sensation I just had of billions of tiny voices screaming out in agony, and then a moment later being-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, all that Jedi stuff. Look, I need your help. Someone obliterated the Gerbil Planet. I mean, seriously - blew the fudging shit out of it-"
"You mean King Road Guy? Oh, man! That guy was awesome!" Roadie Wan sank back in his chair.
"Yeah, and the thing is, it looks like all of this is getting pinned on ME!" sschell pounded his finger against his chest. He lowered his voice and looked around conspiratorially. "Chuck believes someone used The Farce to get on board and steal one of those Phil Collins devices. That's why I need you."
"Aw, crap, sschell! I didn't join up with this ship to get involved in shit like this! This was supposed to be, you know, like exile or something! They weren't supposed to send you anywhere important! Fuuuuuuuuuuudge!"
"Tell me about it!" sschell laughed ruefully.
"Why aren't we seeing any debris field out here? I mean, cripes, we blew up a whole fudging planet!" Executive Officer Supe sat casually in the command chair, as the GSS Chucktown cruised at sub-Warp speed through the dust and plasma cloud where Omicron-4 had once been.
"Sir, if I may," Science Officer VTEnviro stood from his workstation and addressed Supe. "The Gerbil Planet was composed primarily of sawdust and newspaper. There was only a small, dense core of poo at its center, which I have located at about zero point three parsecs from our present position."
Supe made a look of disgust. "Yuck!"
"Sir, if you don't mind, I would like to send a sampling probe into the core. One of my doctoral projects at the Academy was the composition of poo cores on Rhodentron-class planetary bodies. In other words, sir, what we commonly refer to as 'Brown Pellets'."
"Awww, nasty! I didn't know that's what they were! Shit! And I helped tunnel into one of those things once, during Season Four!" Supe shuddered. "As you wish, VT. Dexman, you heard the man, send out a sampler."
"Yes sir!" Weapons Officer Dexman manipulated his controls, and the Chucktown shuddered with the launch of the probe.
"Sir! I have something!" Lieutenant Snickerd was one of the several crew members actively monitoring the scanners for signs of survivors. "it's a life signal, though it is very weak!"
"Sir, if I may," Science Officer VTEnviro stood from his workstation and addressed Supe. "The Gerbil Planet was composed primarily of sawdust and newspaper. There was only a small, dense core of poo at its center, which I have located at about zero point three parsecs from our present position."
Supe made a look of disgust. "Yuck!"
"Sir, if you don't mind, I would like to send a sampling probe into the core. One of my doctoral projects at the Academy was the composition of poo cores on Rhodentron-class planetary bodies. In other words, sir, what we commonly refer to as 'Brown Pellets'."
"Awww, nasty! I didn't know that's what they were! Shit! And I helped tunnel into one of those things once, during Season Four!" Supe shuddered. "As you wish, VT. Dexman, you heard the man, send out a sampler."
"Yes sir!" Weapons Officer Dexman manipulated his controls, and the Chucktown shuddered with the launch of the probe.
"Sir! I have something!" Lieutenant Snickerd was one of the several crew members actively monitoring the scanners for signs of survivors. "it's a life signal, though it is very weak!"
"It appears to be a spherical object, composed of a transparent hydrocarbon polymer, approximately thirty centimeters in diameter." Snickerd peered closely at her screen.
"A hamster ball!" Supe exclaimed.
"Sir, please, it would be called a 'Gerbil Ball' in this instance." Diplomatic Officer Ble corrected the XO.
"Right! Dexman, can you get a lock on for transport?"
Dexman worked his controls. "Yes... yes sir, I have it!"
"Well, then, beam it aboard! Frazil, honey, would you be a sweety and get a security team and a Med team down to the transporter room. Ble, why don't you head down there, as well. You might be of some use."
"Beaming aboard, now!" A wavering tone came from Dexman's workstation as Frazil and Ble entered the lift.
"Should we find the Captain, sir?" Snickerd asked.
"Who, sschell?" Supe laughed. "Nah!"
"A hamster ball!" Supe exclaimed.
"Sir, please, it would be called a 'Gerbil Ball' in this instance." Diplomatic Officer Ble corrected the XO.
"Right! Dexman, can you get a lock on for transport?"
Dexman worked his controls. "Yes... yes sir, I have it!"
"Well, then, beam it aboard! Frazil, honey, would you be a sweety and get a security team and a Med team down to the transporter room. Ble, why don't you head down there, as well. You might be of some use."
"Beaming aboard, now!" A wavering tone came from Dexman's workstation as Frazil and Ble entered the lift.
"Should we find the Captain, sir?" Snickerd asked.
"Who, sschell?" Supe laughed. "Nah!"
Ble stood silently alongside Frazil in the lift, watching the descending level numbers while the Girl From Ipanema played softly from the muzak speakers.
Ble cleared his throat. "You know, about that time-"
"Whoops! Here we are! Level C-34!" Frazil cut him off as the door hissed open. She walked briskly down the busy corridor and turned the corner toward the Transporter Room. A squad of red-shirted security staff stood at both sides of the door, with Phasers drawn. The Medical Team stood by on the far side of the door, medical gear at the ready.
"What's going on, Benbones?" Frazil asked. The sound of a commotion came from the inside. She thought she heard squeaking.
Dr. Benbo, aka "Benbones", rolled his eyes. "How in the hell should I know? That idiot sschell has killed untold numbers of aliens, and who always has to patch up the survivors? Me! I'm sure it's just another, angry survivor, who I will now have to deal with and report to Galactic Headquarters as the sole survivor of his species again-"
Suddenly, the door to the Transporter room was blown off its track, falling across the corridor from the force of the red-shirted security man who had just been thrown into it. The other security men rushed through the opening. Phaser shots and furious squeaking ensued, as each was thrown forcibly back out into the corridor by the angry entity inside.
"Do something, Ble! This is your job!" Frazil looked harshly at the Diplomatic officer.
Ble stepped an inch away from the wall, cleared his throat, and said "Squeak, squeak! Squeak, squeak! Squeak squeak squeak!!!"
The commotion in the transporter room suddenly stopped. All that could be heard was the groaning of the injured security men. Then, from inside, came a reply:
"Squeak squeak squeak!!!"
Ble swallowed hard, and reached into his pocket with his shaking hand and removed a small device.
"What is it, for God's Sake, Man, What is it?!" Benbones asked from the other side of the door.
"I'm going to bring him the translator! He promised not to hurt me!" Ble's knees knocked in fear as he slowly stepped over the bodies in front of the broken doorway.
Ble cleared his throat. "You know, about that time-"
"Whoops! Here we are! Level C-34!" Frazil cut him off as the door hissed open. She walked briskly down the busy corridor and turned the corner toward the Transporter Room. A squad of red-shirted security staff stood at both sides of the door, with Phasers drawn. The Medical Team stood by on the far side of the door, medical gear at the ready.
"What's going on, Benbones?" Frazil asked. The sound of a commotion came from the inside. She thought she heard squeaking.
Dr. Benbo, aka "Benbones", rolled his eyes. "How in the hell should I know? That idiot sschell has killed untold numbers of aliens, and who always has to patch up the survivors? Me! I'm sure it's just another, angry survivor, who I will now have to deal with and report to Galactic Headquarters as the sole survivor of his species again-"
Suddenly, the door to the Transporter room was blown off its track, falling across the corridor from the force of the red-shirted security man who had just been thrown into it. The other security men rushed through the opening. Phaser shots and furious squeaking ensued, as each was thrown forcibly back out into the corridor by the angry entity inside.
"Do something, Ble! This is your job!" Frazil looked harshly at the Diplomatic officer.
Ble stepped an inch away from the wall, cleared his throat, and said "Squeak, squeak! Squeak, squeak! Squeak squeak squeak!!!"
The commotion in the transporter room suddenly stopped. All that could be heard was the groaning of the injured security men. Then, from inside, came a reply:
"Squeak squeak squeak!!!"
Ble swallowed hard, and reached into his pocket with his shaking hand and removed a small device.
"What is it, for God's Sake, Man, What is it?!" Benbones asked from the other side of the door.
"I'm going to bring him the translator! He promised not to hurt me!" Ble's knees knocked in fear as he slowly stepped over the bodies in front of the broken doorway.
Ble disappeared into to shattered doorway of the Transporter Room, and everything grew very quiet for a while. Then, a sudden series of squeaks was heard, and then the voice of Samuel L. Jackson boomed out.
"MUTHA FUDGA! YOU TAKE ME TO THAT MUTHA FUDGIN' SSCHELL RIGHT NOW, OR BY THE DIVINE WRATH OF GOD, I SHALL SMITE THEE AND EVERY HUMAN ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT SHIP!
Ble came stumbling out of the room, terrified. Benbones grabbed him by his uniform and pulled him aside. "Dammit, Ble! Get a hold of yourself, Man! You are the Diplomatic Officer! It's your job to get in there and calm him down!" Ble tore himself loose from Benbones and ran down the corridor, disappearing around the corner toward the main lift.
Frazil stepped in front of the door.
"OH SHIT! HA HA HA HA HA! THIS IS WHO SSCHELL SENDS TO SEE ME?! HA HA HA HA HA!" Gerbil King Road Guy seemed to calm down a bit. "Well, now, hot stuff, why don't you come over hear and give yo Gerbil King some sugar?"
(Page 10, post 495)
"MUTHA FUDGA! YOU TAKE ME TO THAT MUTHA FUDGIN' SSCHELL RIGHT NOW, OR BY THE DIVINE WRATH OF GOD, I SHALL SMITE THEE AND EVERY HUMAN ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT SHIP!
Ble came stumbling out of the room, terrified. Benbones grabbed him by his uniform and pulled him aside. "Dammit, Ble! Get a hold of yourself, Man! You are the Diplomatic Officer! It's your job to get in there and calm him down!" Ble tore himself loose from Benbones and ran down the corridor, disappearing around the corner toward the main lift.
Frazil stepped in front of the door.
"OH SHIT! HA HA HA HA HA! THIS IS WHO SSCHELL SENDS TO SEE ME?! HA HA HA HA HA!" Gerbil King Road Guy seemed to calm down a bit. "Well, now, hot stuff, why don't you come over hear and give yo Gerbil King some sugar?"
(Page 10, post 495)
Frazil sat down on one of the transporter control chairs as smoothly as she could, and patted the top of her exposed, stockinged thigh as an invitation for Road Guy to join her. The Gerbil leaped from the floor and onto her lap.
"Why hello there, sweet thang!" Road Guy was no larger than the average Gerbil, and as such, was fairly light on his feet.
Frazil giggled. "You're tickly!" She smiled and held her hand out for Road Guy to climb onto, and then raised him to her face. "Oh, your Majesty, it's such a pleasure to meet you! I'm terribly sorry about what happened to your planet, but I can assure you our ship did not fire that weapon."
"Oh, I know that, sweetcakes! It was that ass-hole planet that attacked us! I saw it just before we 'sploded! Now, let's talk about somethin more interestin, somethin' like you and me and a bottle of wine in your cabin, hmmmm?"
Roadie-Wan entered the transporter room and cleared his throat to interrupt. "Ahem! Your Majesty, it is most pleasurable to me to see you well."
"What up, Roadi Wan? Shiiiiiiiiit!" Road Guy jumped down and ran over to Roadwreck. "I know you can figure out what's goin' on 'round here!"
"Absolutely, your highness. Shall we go to the bridge? You may want to help supervise the search for survivors."
"Survivors? Shiiiiiit, brotha! I was the only one on that planet, can't you sense that? Jedi, my Ass!" Road Guy laughed.
"Why hello there, sweet thang!" Road Guy was no larger than the average Gerbil, and as such, was fairly light on his feet.
Frazil giggled. "You're tickly!" She smiled and held her hand out for Road Guy to climb onto, and then raised him to her face. "Oh, your Majesty, it's such a pleasure to meet you! I'm terribly sorry about what happened to your planet, but I can assure you our ship did not fire that weapon."
"Oh, I know that, sweetcakes! It was that ass-hole planet that attacked us! I saw it just before we 'sploded! Now, let's talk about somethin more interestin, somethin' like you and me and a bottle of wine in your cabin, hmmmm?"
Roadie-Wan entered the transporter room and cleared his throat to interrupt. "Ahem! Your Majesty, it is most pleasurable to me to see you well."
"What up, Roadi Wan? Shiiiiiiiiit!" Road Guy jumped down and ran over to Roadwreck. "I know you can figure out what's goin' on 'round here!"
"Absolutely, your highness. Shall we go to the bridge? You may want to help supervise the search for survivors."
"Survivors? Shiiiiiit, brotha! I was the only one on that planet, can't you sense that? Jedi, my Ass!" Road Guy laughed.
Road Guy rode the lift to the bridge in the breast pocket of Lt. Commander Frazil's uniform, at his request, as he caught up on old times with Jedi Master Roadie-Wan. Frazil smiled and watched the level display count up. At level 3, two decks below the bridge, the power suddenly went out and the lift stopped sharply, throwing Frazil and Roadie-Wan upward into the ceiling.
A loud explosion sounded, then the red alarm beacon came on.
"You see that shit!?? I told you mutha fudga's!!!! Now you gonna get it too!!!" Road Guy burrowed himself deeper into Frazil's pocket.
The lift started moving again and was soon at the bridge. The door hissed open to reveal a busy scene, lit by the red tactical lighting. Commander Supe was barking orders to the crew. "Snickerd! What's the I.D. on those ships! Dexman! I need a lock on right away!"
Frazil handed Road Guy to Roadie-Wan and rushed to her station.
"Commander Frazil! Where the hell were you! Get on the comms and block all frequencies! We just got attacked by two fighters, and we need to make sure they don't report our position to their starship, if they haven't already!"
Lt. Snickerd called out. "Sir! The craft that attacked us do not match anything in the database! All I can say for sure is that they are short range fighters, lightly armed!"
Supe rubbed his chin. "What are they doing way out here?"
"Sir!" Dexman reported. "I have pinned down their trajectory! They appear to be headed for that small moon!"
Roadie-Wan peered at the image in the forward tactical window. "That's no moon!"
A loud explosion sounded, then the red alarm beacon came on.
"You see that shit!?? I told you mutha fudga's!!!! Now you gonna get it too!!!" Road Guy burrowed himself deeper into Frazil's pocket.
The lift started moving again and was soon at the bridge. The door hissed open to reveal a busy scene, lit by the red tactical lighting. Commander Supe was barking orders to the crew. "Snickerd! What's the I.D. on those ships! Dexman! I need a lock on right away!"
Frazil handed Road Guy to Roadie-Wan and rushed to her station.
"Commander Frazil! Where the hell were you! Get on the comms and block all frequencies! We just got attacked by two fighters, and we need to make sure they don't report our position to their starship, if they haven't already!"
Lt. Snickerd called out. "Sir! The craft that attacked us do not match anything in the database! All I can say for sure is that they are short range fighters, lightly armed!"
Supe rubbed his chin. "What are they doing way out here?"
"Sir!" Dexman reported. "I have pinned down their trajectory! They appear to be headed for that small moon!"
Roadie-Wan peered at the image in the forward tactical window. "That's no moon!"
"Roadie-Wan, if you don't have anything useful to contribute, could you at least get out of the way??!!! I can't even see it on the screen!" Supe had little patience for Jedis. Roadwreck moved to the side of the bridge. "Oh, shit! He's right! What the hell is that?! Snickerd! Zoom in on that thing!"
"See??!!! I told you mutha fudga's!!! You betta start shootin' Phil Collinses at that thang, or turn yo ass around and get the fudge out of Dodge, NOW!!!!" Road Guy had climbed to the top of Roadie Wan's head.
The big screen zoomed slowly in on the object, but it was still very distant and appeared only as a dim, spherical, planetary body.
"Is that a skull and crossbones?" Asked Supe, again rubbing his chin, peering at the dim image. "Adjust contrast, and go to infrared, Snickerd."
Lt. Snickerd made some adjustments and the image intensified, revealing a very distinct skull and crossbones marking covering the entire visible face of the planet.
"Jebus! What in the hell is that thing!" Supe dropped his hand from his chin and gripped the control panels on the arm of the command chair.
"It's a pirate planet!" Said Roadie-Wan, gravely.
"Shut the fudge up!" Supe bit his lower lip and thought for a moment. "This can't be good. Lt. Flyer! Turn the ship around and get us the hell out of here!"
"Aye, aye, Captain!" Lt. Flyer took hold of the ship's control yoke, and the ship began to tilt as it banked away from its current trajectory. The hum of the sub-warp engines intensified, and the ship began to vibrate from the strain of the engines as they began the process of reversing its tremendous forward momentum.
"Uh, Captain, she..." Flyer strained at the controls, and began flipping switches furiously. "She isn't slowing, sir!"
"Well then, get the Engineer on the comm and get us more power, dammit!" Supe barked.
"Bigray! You've got to give us more power!!!" Flyer keyed the intercom on his panel. The ship began to shudder more violently, and the humming of the engines intensified.
"I'm giving you all she's got, Mister Flyer!!!" replied Chief Engineer Bigray, from the intercom. Clipboards and other loose objects began to fall to the floor. A panel fell from the ceiling above Snickerd's station and knocked her out.
"See??!!! I told you mutha fudga's!!! You betta start shootin' Phil Collinses at that thang, or turn yo ass around and get the fudge out of Dodge, NOW!!!!" Road Guy had climbed to the top of Roadie Wan's head.
The big screen zoomed slowly in on the object, but it was still very distant and appeared only as a dim, spherical, planetary body.
"Is that a skull and crossbones?" Asked Supe, again rubbing his chin, peering at the dim image. "Adjust contrast, and go to infrared, Snickerd."
Lt. Snickerd made some adjustments and the image intensified, revealing a very distinct skull and crossbones marking covering the entire visible face of the planet.
"Jebus! What in the hell is that thing!" Supe dropped his hand from his chin and gripped the control panels on the arm of the command chair.
"It's a pirate planet!" Said Roadie-Wan, gravely.
"Shut the fudge up!" Supe bit his lower lip and thought for a moment. "This can't be good. Lt. Flyer! Turn the ship around and get us the hell out of here!"
"Aye, aye, Captain!" Lt. Flyer took hold of the ship's control yoke, and the ship began to tilt as it banked away from its current trajectory. The hum of the sub-warp engines intensified, and the ship began to vibrate from the strain of the engines as they began the process of reversing its tremendous forward momentum.
"Uh, Captain, she..." Flyer strained at the controls, and began flipping switches furiously. "She isn't slowing, sir!"
"Well then, get the Engineer on the comm and get us more power, dammit!" Supe barked.
"Bigray! You've got to give us more power!!!" Flyer keyed the intercom on his panel. The ship began to shudder more violently, and the humming of the engines intensified.
"I'm giving you all she's got, Mister Flyer!!!" replied Chief Engineer Bigray, from the intercom. Clipboards and other loose objects began to fall to the floor. A panel fell from the ceiling above Snickerd's station and knocked her out.
"It's no use, Supe." Roadie-Wan said, calmly. "The pirate planet has caught us in its sucktor beam."
Supe thought rapidly. "Well then, we'll call the crew to arms!"
"You can't fight them, Commander. They are far too many for this crew."
The ship continued to shudder violently. An electrical panel near Dexman exploded in sparks. Supe looked around.
"You're right," Supe swore. "Damn You, Jedi! Flyer, shut off propulsion! Snickerd, sound the alarm, and I'll address the crew!"
"Snickerd's unconscious, sir!"
"My bad! Frazil, can you handle that for me?"
Just then, the bridge lift hissed open. Captain sschell strolled in with Doctor Benbones. The sound of the engines spooled down, and the vibrating stopped. "What'd I miss?"
Supe thought rapidly. "Well then, we'll call the crew to arms!"
"You can't fight them, Commander. They are far too many for this crew."
The ship continued to shudder violently. An electrical panel near Dexman exploded in sparks. Supe looked around.
"You're right," Supe swore. "Damn You, Jedi! Flyer, shut off propulsion! Snickerd, sound the alarm, and I'll address the crew!"
"Snickerd's unconscious, sir!"
"My bad! Frazil, can you handle that for me?"
Just then, the bridge lift hissed open. Captain sschell strolled in with Doctor Benbones. The sound of the engines spooled down, and the vibrating stopped. "What'd I miss?"
