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FBI Job interview


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#1 DVINNY

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Posted 18 March 2008 - 01:59 AM

FBI job opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances."

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' the man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent
said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

#2 MA_PE

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Posted 18 March 2008 - 12:53 PM

^ appl.gif appl.gif

#3 squishles10

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Posted 18 March 2008 - 01:18 PM

bananalama.gif

#4 frazil

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Posted 18 March 2008 - 01:30 PM

lmao.gif

#5 DVINNY

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Posted 18 May 2008 - 02:58 AM

At the end of the year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi, "We save them and send them back to the candle makers, and every now & then they send us a free box of candles"

"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But he went on to say in his obnoxious way, " What about all those matzo purchases? What do you do with all the crumbs?"

"Ah yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. " We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of matzo balls."

"I see", replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi, he went on. "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here too we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

#6 SSmith

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Posted 18 May 2008 - 04:20 AM

Oh dear god those are good...

#7 jregieng

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Posted 18 May 2008 - 04:31 PM

On the wisdom of consulting ....


Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of 'you know what', we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

#8 ktulu

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Posted 19 May 2008 - 05:29 PM

^^^ Hilarious, JR!!! laugh.gif

#9 DVINNY

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Posted 22 May 2008 - 03:38 PM

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midge t shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. 'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, t he rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?


#10 DVINNY

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Posted 23 May 2008 - 03:08 AM

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and

decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,

"Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street

in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,

"Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.



"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner,

"but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

#11 DVINNY

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Posted 23 May 2008 - 03:11 AM

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
home?", they asked.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project" said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking
him completely out of his chair.
"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went
after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse
right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
he is your son!"
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her
three times.

#12 Dleg

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Posted 23 May 2008 - 03:29 AM

^^Most excellent! Two new ones, for me.

#13 jregieng

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Posted 24 May 2008 - 11:50 AM

This is better told in person, but I figured I would give it a shot here ....


A lady with an extreme speech impediment/lisp enters a seafood market to make a purchase. She approaches the counter and says to the guy behind the counter in a muted fashion, "I wood wike fave pownds of mah-keral"

The guy behind the counter scrunches his face up trying to understand her. She repeats the same phrase again, to which the guy behind the counter realizes she is having trouble speaking and says, "Look lady, I am having a hard time understanding you, I just don't know what you want."

So the lady steps back from the counter, lifts her dress, swipes her hand across her crotch, and then steps back up to the counter and sticks her fingers under the guy's nose.

The guy behind the counter recoils scrunching up his face and nose in horror and says, "HOLY MACKEREL LADY!"

The lady nods in approval and raises her hand wiggling all of her fingers and thumb saying, "Yeahhh ... five powndes."

JR

That joke works a little better in person, at a bar, and with a few drinks. At least that is how it was told to me - gestures and all. ohmy.gif

#14 maryannette

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Posted 24 May 2008 - 03:26 PM

appl.gif
Laughter is good!

#15 DVINNY

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Posted 25 May 2008 - 01:18 PM

As told to me from a friend.

'I remember the time that Catherine - one of my daughter's friends
when she was little, told me that she wanted to be President one day.
Both of her parents are liberal democrats and were standing there with
us and I asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be the
first thing you would do?'

Catherine replied - 'I would give houses to all the homeless people.'
'Wow - what a worthy goal you have there Catherine.'

I told her, 'You don't have to wait to until your President to do
that, you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in
the back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go over to
the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give
him the $5 dollars to use for a new house.'

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her
mom looked at me, and Catherine replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy
come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $5
dollars.'

Catherine, welcome to the Republican Party

#16 DVINNY

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Posted 02 June 2008 - 02:00 AM

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his
pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as
long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."




#17 Dleg

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Posted 02 June 2008 - 03:00 AM

QUOTE (DVINNY @ May 23 2008, 01:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
home?", they asked.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project" said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking
him completely out of his chair.
"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went
after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse
right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
he is your son!"
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her
three times.


I must say, this joke worked most excellently for me this weekend. Just insert the names of a couple you know and ... WHAM!


#18 MA_PE

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Posted 02 June 2008 - 12:50 PM

DV and JR:

thanks for the laugh. The midget one had me LOL at my desk.

#19 DVINNY

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Posted 02 June 2008 - 02:12 PM


DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable little lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of badthings will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'


#20 Wolverine

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Posted 02 June 2008 - 02:28 PM

QUOTE (DVINNY @ May 25 2008, 09:18 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her
mom looked at me, and Catherine replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy
come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $5
dollars.'

Catherine, welcome to the Republican Party

appl.gif appl.gif appl.gif

Now, if we could only get a majority Conservative in the Republican Party.

Heck, I'd even accept a few from the (D) party.

#21 StructuralPoke

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Posted 02 June 2008 - 03:11 PM

Supposedly a real post on Craigslist -- It's funny and I'm too lazy to run snopes on it...

-----------------------

More advice for woman seeking $500K+ man, RE:431649184 (Midtown East)

Reply to: pers-441144485@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-05, 5:40PM EDT

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.


PostingID: 432279810
THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:


I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

Edited by StructuralPoke, 02 June 2008 - 03:12 PM.


#22 DVINNY

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Posted 04 June 2008 - 08:21 PM

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be An American...


#23 DVINNY

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Posted 04 June 2008 - 08:23 PM


Subject: Just Married

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he
wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each
other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each
other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they
went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got
up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and
did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations
in the pike position, at which point he straightened out
and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay
down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we
went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing
lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the
pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic
endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I
worked both sides of the Mississippi River.


#24 FusionWhite

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Posted 06 June 2008 - 12:13 PM

QUOTE (DVINNY @ Jun 2 2008, 10:12 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable little lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of badthings will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'


Im forwarding this one to my FIL. Hes a pharmacist and would probably love it.

#25 sschell_PE

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Posted 12 June 2008 - 03:20 PM

TEA FOR DADDY

One day my Mother was out and my Dad was in charge of
me and my older brother.

I was maybe 1 and half years old and had just
recovered from an accident in which my arm had been
broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well
gift and it was one of my favourite new toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening
news and my brother was playing nearby when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such
yummy tea, my Mom came home.

Dad had her wait in the living room to watch me bring
him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest
thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the
hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him
drink it up, and then she says,

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that
baby can reach to get water is the toilet??........



#26 frazil

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Posted 12 June 2008 - 05:40 PM

appl.gif

#27 bigray76

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Posted 13 June 2008 - 01:30 PM

A guy was in the line at the supermarket, when he noticed a beautiful blond woman smiling and waving at him.

So he says, "Do I know you?"

She replies. "I may be mistaken, but I think you may be the father of one of my children."

Instantly his mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Christ!" he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on Joe's pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend spanked me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber in my ass?"

"No" she replies. "I'm your daughter's second grade teacher."

#28 FLBuff PE

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Posted 13 June 2008 - 03:02 PM

^^^'Doh!

#29 DVINNY

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Posted 13 June 2008 - 08:56 PM

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When s he gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch..'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE


#30 jregieng

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Posted 14 June 2008 - 07:12 PM

^^^ Those are pretty good! smile.gif

My contribution for the day:

Did you hear the one about the prostitute with a colostomy bag? She was getting a little on the side ...

Yeah .. it's covered up for good reason, so read with CAUTION. smile.gif

JR

#31 TXengrChickPE

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Posted 16 June 2008 - 06:29 PM

This one is pretty clean compared to most... but still funny as hell!

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

Locolaugh.gif

#32 DVINNY

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Posted 17 June 2008 - 01:46 AM

^^ I hope that is true. biggrin.gif



#33 FusionWhite

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Posted 17 June 2008 - 03:28 PM

Heres lesson 7:

One day a fly was buzzing around a barnyard. When it looked down it saw a HUGE pile of cow shit piled up next to the barn. Quickly swooping in the fly landed and began chowing down on the cow pie. After a few minutes the fly was full and began flapping its wings to take off. However the fly had eaten too much and was over loaded with crap.

Looking around the fly noticed a shovel leaning against the barn. Thinking that if he could climb up to the top of the shovel handle and get a running start he would be able to get off the ground and fly. So the fly waddles himself over to the shovel and climbs up to the top. He gets a big running start and jumps off the shovel and flaps his wings furiously. After hovering for a few seconds the cow shit filled fly spun out of control and splattered on the ground.

Moral of the story:

Donít fly off the handle when you know your full of shit.


#34 Wolverine

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Posted 18 June 2008 - 02:56 PM

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

"Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?''

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man."

#35 sehad

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Posted 18 June 2008 - 03:27 PM

THIS POST IS AWESOME! However it has wasted about an hour of my work day. Wish I would have found this board earlier!

#36 DVINNY

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Posted 23 June 2008 - 07:45 PM

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,

'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,00 0 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'



The social worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . you started it


#37 DVINNY

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Posted 23 June 2008 - 07:45 PM

Ancient Indian knowledge

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After
They got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of
Galaxies.. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past Three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , And we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we Will h ave a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'



'You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent.'

#38 Dark Knight

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Posted 24 June 2008 - 01:17 AM

^^^^Lone Ranger and Tonto...The Sequel

That very morning, after riding until dawn thru the desert The Lone Ranger went to take a leak behind a small cactus. He was so concentrated on the task at hand that did not see a rattle snake on the base of the cactus.

Wham....the snake did bite The Lone Ranger on the tip of the...well...you know where...let us say the tip of his...yeah...there. Tonto came running and said:" Kemosabi...do not worry. There is a village about 10 miles South of here. The Healer there be the best on the region. Tonto asking him how to save you"

And just like that Tonto rode his horse to the village and asked the Healer, who replied: "You sucking the venom from the area snake did bite"

And there goes Tonto again, riding 10 more miles back to where he left The Lone Ranger. He saw his friend already suffering the effects of the snake's venom. The Lone Ranger asks Tonto...."What did he say. How are you saving me?"

Tonto replied: "Kemosabi, he said you are screwed. You are going to die"

#39 DVINNY

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Posted 27 June 2008 - 02:42 AM

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official;

'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied;

'When white man find land, Indians running it,
no taxes, no debt,
plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free.
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled;
'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'


#40 cement

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Posted 27 June 2008 - 05:44 AM

The indian boy asked the tribal elder about how names were given.
"The first thing the medicine man sees after the birth of a child determines a child's name" the elder answered.
"The day your father was born, the medicine man saw a soaring eagle, and that is how he got his name, Soaring Eagle." He continued.
"The day you mother was born, a leaning tree caught his eyes, and her name, Leaning Tree was given."
"And our chief must have been born on a rainy day to be given a name like Storm Cloud."

"Does this answer your question, Two Dogs F*cking?"

#41 DVINNY

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Posted 27 June 2008 - 12:56 PM

The little boy (who had been looking out the window of the airplane) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'I saw you talking with your mom- Did your Mom tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'yes she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.'


#42 sehad

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Posted 30 June 2008 - 05:26 PM

QUOTE (DVINNY @ Jun 27 2008, 07:56 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The little boy (who had been looking out the window of the airplane) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'I saw you talking with your mom- Did your Mom tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'yes she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.'


Locolaugh.gif appl.gif

#43 DVINNY

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Posted 01 July 2008 - 10:47 AM

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

#44 DVINNY

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Posted 01 July 2008 - 10:50 AM

http://www.funmansio...ring_break.html

#45 DVINNY

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Posted 01 July 2008 - 10:53 AM

http://www.collegehu...m/video:1812805

#46 maryannette

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Posted 01 July 2008 - 10:55 AM

^^ I can't get there from here, but the printed one is good. Thanks for the early morning laugh.

#47 DVINNY

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Posted 01 July 2008 - 11:05 AM




^ sounds like someone we know has been single for 4 months.

#48 bigray76

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Posted 01 July 2008 - 11:49 AM

^^^Freaking hilarious!


#49 DVINNY

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Posted 01 July 2008 - 12:09 PM


My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a "Queen", so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'


#50 sehad

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Posted 01 July 2008 - 12:37 PM

Sounds like that guy had some MAJOR issues with the phone calls




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