Dr Tom
DVINNY

FBI Job interview

743 posts in this topic

FBI job opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances."

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' the man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent

said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on

the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

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^ :appl::appl:

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:bananalama:

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:lmao:

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At the end of the year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi, "We save them and send them back to the candle makers, and every now & then they send us a free box of candles"

"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But he went on to say in his obnoxious way, " What about all those matzo purchases? What do you do with all the crumbs?"

"Ah yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. " We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of matzo balls."

"I see", replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi, he went on. "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here too we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

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Oh dear god those are good...

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On the wisdom of consulting ....

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of 'you know what', we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

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^^^ Hilarious, JR!!! :laugh:

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A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midge t shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. 'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, t he rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

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A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and

decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,

"Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street

in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,

"Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner,

"but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual

gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to

change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son

returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting

home?", they asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit

project" said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking

him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went

after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking

him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied

to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse

right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you

ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,

he is your son!"

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her

three times.

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^^Most excellent! Two new ones, for me.

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This is better told in person, but I figured I would give it a shot here ....

A lady with an extreme speech impediment/lisp enters a seafood market to make a purchase. She approaches the counter and says to the guy behind the counter in a muted fashion, "I wood wike fave pownds of mah-keral"

The guy behind the counter scrunches his face up trying to understand her. She repeats the same phrase again, to which the guy behind the counter realizes she is having trouble speaking and says, "Look lady, I am having a hard time understanding you, I just don't know what you want."

So the lady steps back from the counter, lifts her dress, swipes her hand across her crotch, and then steps back up to the counter and sticks her fingers under the guy's nose.

The guy behind the counter recoils scrunching up his face and nose in horror and says, "HOLY MACKEREL LADY!"

The lady nods in approval and raises her hand wiggling all of her fingers and thumb saying, "Yeahhh ... five powndes."

JR

That joke works a little better in person, at a bar, and with a few drinks. At least that is how it was told to me - gestures and all. :ohmy:

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:appl:

Laughter is good!

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As told to me from a friend.

'I remember the time that Catherine - one of my daughter's friends

when she was little, told me that she wanted to be President one day.

Both of her parents are liberal democrats and were standing there with

us and I asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be the

first thing you would do?'

Catherine replied - 'I would give houses to all the homeless people.'

'Wow - what a worthy goal you have there Catherine.'

I told her, 'You don't have to wait to until your President to do

that, you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in

the back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go over to

the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give

him the $5 dollars to use for a new house.'

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her

mom looked at me, and Catherine replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy

come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $5

dollars.'

Catherine, welcome to the Republican Party

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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The

waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,

"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be

$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact

change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A

hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his

pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the

waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a

salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it

on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.

How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket

every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two

wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just

put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be

there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as

long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual

gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to

change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son

returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting

home?", they asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit

project" said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking

him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went

after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking

him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied

to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse

right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you

ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,

he is your son!"

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her

three times.

I must say, this joke worked most excellently for me this weekend. Just insert the names of a couple you know and ... WHAM!

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DV and JR:

thanks for the laugh. The midget one had me LOL at my desk.

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DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable little lady went into the pharmacy,

walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your

husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of badthings will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

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Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her

mom looked at me, and Catherine replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy

come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $5

dollars.'

Catherine, welcome to the Republican Party

:appl::appl::appl:

Now, if we could only get a majority Conservative in the Republican Party.

Heck, I'd even accept a few from the (D) party.

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Supposedly a real post on Craigslist -- It's funny and I'm too lazy to run snopes on it...

-----------------------

More advice for woman seeking $500K+ man, RE:431649184 (Midtown East)

Reply to: pers-441144485@craigslist.org

Date: 2007-10-05, 5:40PM EDT

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

Edited by StructuralPoke

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A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be An American...

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Subject: Just Married

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he

wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each

other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each

other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they

went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got

up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and

did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations

in the pike position, at which point he straightened out

and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay

down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion.

You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we

went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing

lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the

pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic

endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I

worked both sides of the Mississippi River.

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DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable little lady went into the pharmacy,

walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your

husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of badthings will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Im forwarding this one to my FIL. Hes a pharmacist and would probably love it.

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TEA FOR DADDY

One day my Mother was out and my Dad was in charge of

me and my older brother.

I was maybe 1 and half years old and had just

recovered from an accident in which my arm had been

broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well

gift and it was one of my favourite new toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening

news and my brother was playing nearby when I brought

Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such

yummy tea, my Mom came home.

Dad had her wait in the living room to watch me bring

him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest

thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the

hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him

drink it up, and then she says,

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that

baby can reach to get water is the toilet??........

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